S01E02 - Biscuits

No: 2  |  Season: 1   Episode: 2  |  Air Date: 14-Aug-20  |  Runtime: 29 mins


It's Ted's first day of coaching, and fans aren't happy. He makes little headway but remains undeterred as the team plays its first match.

Director and Writers

Director: Zach Braff
Writers: Story by: Brendan Hunt & Jason Sudeikis Teleplay by: Joe Kelly


Ted: You know what today feels like?
Coach Beard: First day of school.
Ted: First day of school. That's right.

Ted: What about you, Coach? How you feeling?
Coach Beard: A little nervous.
Ted: Well, heck, yeah. No such thing as "last-day jitters."

Ted: (enters Rebecca's office) Knock-a-doodle-do.

Ted: Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. I don't know why y'all do that.

Ted: I would not bet on that. I mean, unless you wanna win a buttload of money.

Coach Beard: Remember what you said to me our first day coaching at Wichita State?
Ted: Lose the ponytail?
Coach Beard: Relax. They're just kids.

Ted: Hey, look at Isaac. He looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats.
Coach Beard: Boots. They call cleats "boots."
Ted: I thought you said that the trunk of a car was a boot.
Coach Beard: Also a boot.
Ted: Hold on now. If I were to get fired from my job where I'm puttin' cleats in the trunk of my car...
Coach Beard: You got the boot from puttin' boots in the boot.

Roy: Oi. Walk away, you little prick.
Jamie Tartt: All right, granddad. Keep your wig on.

Ted: Hey, Sam, come here a sec.
Sam: Coach, I'm sorry.
Ted: You know what the happiest animal on earth is? It's a goldfish. You know why?
Sam: No.
Ted: Got a ten-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam. Yeah?

Ted: You still laughing at stuff you don't think is funny, huh?
Nathan: I'm not always sure what's a joke and what isn't.
Ted: Yeah, it's tough to tell these days, isn't it?

Rebecca: How was your first official day?
Ted: I'm not entirely sure what y'all's smallest unit of measurement is over here, but that's about how much headway I made.

Rebecca: Are you mad? Pandas are fat and lazy and have piss-stained fur. Lions are powerful and majestic and rule the jungle.

Keeley: That Rebecca is an intimidating, very tall woman. I mean, the minute she locked eyes with me, I started sweating.
Ted: Oh, no. She got some fences, all right, but you just gotta hop over 'em.

Ted: (going through the suggestion box) Let's see what we got here. "Wanker." Let's see what else we got. "Piss off, wanker." "I hope you choke on a Big Mac."
Coach Beard: Good thing these are anonymous.
Ted: No, Roy signed that one.

Ted: Okay, I got one. What if I joined forces with a swashbuckling cat to play tiny guitars for women of the night as we read Alex Haley's most seminal work?
Coach Beard: You'd be in cahoots with Puss in Boots, playing lutes for prostitutes, reading Roots.
Ted: No, The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I gotcha.

Ted: Let's tie up some loose ends from yesterday. First concert, Kenny Rogers, right? Best concert, we got Beastie Boys at HORDE Fest, 1995. You're gonna love this story. Actually, did y'all get the O.J. trial over here?

Reporter: How are you feeling about taking on Crystal Palace this weekend?
Ted: A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile if you ask me.

Trent Crimm: Could you explain the offside rule?
Ted: Well, Trent, I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.

Ted: I wanted to ask you about Jamie.
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: What would you say motivates him?
Keeley: Bl0w j0bs.
Ted: Is there a second option?


"Juice" by Lizzo (Keeley's photo shoot.)

"Glad All Over " by the Dave Clark Five (End credits.)

Notes and Trivia

Jeremy Swift was nominated for (did not win) a Primetime Emmy Award for "Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series" for the episode "Biscuits."

For directing the episode "Biscuits," Zach Braff was nominated (did not win) for a 2021 Emmy for "Outstanding Directing For A Comedy Series."

The announcer Arlo White (plays himself) is the lead play-by-play voice of NBC Sports' US Premier League coverage.




Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.

The photo shoot where Ted met up with Keeley was shot on Richmond Hill B321 near the "Richmond Hill Viewing Point." (Google Street View)

Richmond's fictional Nelson Road stadium, aka the "dog pound," is actually Selhurst Park, home of the Premier League's Crystal Palace. Ironically, Crystal palace was Richmond's opponent in this episode's match.

The location where Higgins walks his dog and speaks on the phone to Rebecca about the paparazzi photos was filmed in the trees along Pembroke Villas Road, in Richmond, England. (Google Street View)


StarringJason SudeikisTed Lasso
StarringHannah WaddinghamRebecca Welton
StarringJeremy SwiftHiggins
StarringPhil DunsterJamie Tartt
StarringBrett GoldsteinRoy Kent
StarringBrendan HuntCoach Beard
StarringNick MohammedNathan Shelley
Starring (With)Juno TempleKeeley Jones
Guest StarringToheeb JimohSam Obisanya
Guest StarringAnnette BadlandMae
Guest StarringJames LanceTrent Crimm
Co-StarringBilly HarrisColin
Co-StarringKola BokinniIsaac
Co-StarringStephen ManasRichard
Co-StarringArlo WhiteArlo White
Co-StarringChris PowellChris Powell
Co-StarringShannon HayesSoccer Girl
Co-StarringCraig ConwayErnie Lounds
Co-StarringMarcus OniludeMarcus
Co-StarringCameron ColeHimself
Co-StarringAnuschka RappPanda Girl
Co-StarringShaun PrendergastPaparazzi
Co-StarringJoseph AkubezePhotoshoot Photographer