S01E05 - Tan Lines

No: 5  |  Season: 1   Episode: 5  |  Air Date: 28-Aug-20  |  Runtime: 31 mins


Ted reunites with his wife and son. Ted makes a bold choice and takes Jamie out of the game.

Director and Writers

Director: Elliot Hegarty
Writers: Brett Goldstein


Ted: Our therapist gave us this code word to use. So if either of us says "Oklahoma," the other one has to tell the God's honest truth. Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful. Did ruin the musical for me though.

Keeley: Jamie, thank you. Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge fu$king mistake. But you have really helped me to feel good about this decision, just by... being you.
Jamie: You're welcome.

Ted: Jamie, how many times I gotta tell you to make the extra pass? Come on. Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.
(Players murmur)
Ted: Oh, that's right. Y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open. That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.
Roy: It's a fu$king good idea, to be fair.
Ted: Yeah, it is.

(Ted runs to meet his family)
Nathan: That is a lot longer run than he thinks, though.
Coach Beard: Metaphor.

Jamie: I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner. The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt. (Photographers take pictures) Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats. Get that one. (rolls up his sleeve) It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm."

Rebecca: (referring to Jamie) No judgment, but are you back with that twat?
Keeley: No. We're done. (Pause) God, I love that you care though. I'll kiss you on the mouth if I can reach those lips.

Rebecca: If any of the other players needed some branding work done, is that something you'd be interested in?
Keeley: I don't want you to offer me a job just 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.
Rebecca: Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.

Rebecca: What is it you do again?
Keeley: I'm sort of famous for being almost famous.

Ted: (to his wife and son) Little tip for y'all, all right? Fries are called "chips." Chips are called "crisps." And "bangers" aren't great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.

Michelle: Do they, um, wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper? I read they do that here.
Ted: No, no. I wish. Boy, I'd love that. Having my food teach me stuff?
Michelle: Yeah, that's your dream scenario, right? A doughnut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.
Ted: Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole.

Ted: Coach's views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one, loses its flavor.

Nathan: If you were worried about your relationship, then why did you fly 4,438 miles away?
Ted: That is a very specific number to know off the top of your head.
Nathan: Oh, well, uh, my dad used to be a cartographer. Used to say I was .001 miles tall.

Higgins: If you're with the right person, even the hard times are easy.
Ted: (whistles) Someone call 911. I want to report a truth bomb.
Coach Beard: I think... think they do 999 here.
Nathan: It is 999.

Ted: I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons.

Announcer 1: We certainly haven't seen this before. Ted Lasso is running into the stands.
Announcer 2: Well, where the hell is he off to?
Announcer 1: He's not slowing down on those steps. That's some real impressive cardio from Ted Lasso there.

Ted: Fellas, we're broken. We need to change. And, look, I know change can be scary. One minute, you're playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside.
(chuckles are heard)
Ted: Mm. She was a striking woman. Not classically beautiful, but striking. First time I ever saw tan lines.

Roy: Took balls, what you did.
Ted: That's all we got is balls, Roy. It's all we got.

(After winning the match)
Crowd: Wanker! Wanker!
Ted: Well, same word, ain't it?
Coach Beard: Yeah, but different.
Ted: Yeah, kinda like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right?
Coach Beard: Who was president back then?
Ted: Ronald Reagan.
Coach Beard: "Ronald Reagan? The actor?"
Ted: Oh, man. I love it when you do Doc Brown. You walked me right into that.


"Wishin' And Hopin'" by Dusty Springfield (Opening)

"Bring it on Home to Me" by Sam Cooke (Ted and his son play wit lego.)

"Forever" by Mumford & Sons (End scene.)

Notes and Trivia

One of the scenes refer to a famous incident in 2001 when two players of Newcastle went off on each other and the referee had no choice but to send them off. It's a very rare occurrence in football but within the laws of the game. A clip of the incident is easily found on internet. The above incident occurred in 2005 vs Aston Villa, not 2001.




Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.



StarringJason SudeikisTed Lasso
StarringHannah WaddinghamRebecca Welton
StarringJeremy SwiftHiggins
StarringPhil DunsterJamie Tartt
StarringBrett GoldsteinRoy Kent
StarringBrendan HuntCoach Beard
StarringNick MohammedNathan Shelley
Starring (With)Juno TempleKeeley Jones
Guest StarringToheeb JimohSam Obisanya
Guest StarringAnnette BadlandMae
Guest StarringAndrea AndersMichelle Lasso
Co-StarringArlo WhiteHimself
Co-StarringChris PowellHimself
Co-StarringBilly HarrisColin
Co-StarringKola BokinniIsaac
Co-StarringStephen ManasRichard
Co-StarringAdam ColborneBaz
Co-StarringBronson WebbJeremy
Co-StarringKevin 'KG' GarryPaul
Co-StarringGus TurnerHenry
Co-StarringMary RoscoeJulie
Co-StarringAlice NokesRosie
Co-StarringShannon HayesSoccer Girl
Co-StarringTom CotcherOld Guy
Co-StarringJerome WrightRandom Guy