S01E08 - The Diamond Dogs

No: 8  |  Season: 1   Episode: 8  |  Air Date: 18-Sep-20  |  Runtime: mins

Summary

Ted and Roy are both having relationship problems. Ted consults the Diamond Dogs while Roy lays it on the line with Keeley.

Director and Writers

Director: Declan Lowney
Writers: Leann Bowen

Quotes

Sassy: Last night was fun.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Five stars. Certified fresh.

Sassy: I'm gonna go back to sleep, and then I'm gonna order a huge breakfast on your tab.
Ted: That's a pro move right there. Yeah. Hey, I'll be your Underhills anytime.

Coach Beard: Something on your mind, Coach?
Ted: No, why?
Coach Beard: We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick, and that's a record by about five hours.

Ted: Okay, look. I'm gonna tell you something but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: I'm serious. I don't want to make jokes about it. I don't want you giving me any knowing glances. You know what I mean? Okay.
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: Last night, I... I slept with Rebecca's friend Sassy.
Coach Beard: Want to talk about it?
Ted: I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.

Nathan: Ever since I was little, I always used to dream about sitting down with a bunch of mates talking about the complex dynamics between men and women.

Ted: Tell you what, I gotta get you all some satin jackets made, with "Ted Lasso's Personal Dilemma Squad" embroidered on the back there. That's a clunky name. There's gotta be something better here. Let me think. I know. How about the "EQ Warriors"?
Coach Beard: The "Knights of Support"?
Higgins: Nah. Sounds like a brand of jockstrap. The "Proud Boys"?
(Nathan vomits in a bucket)
Nathan: What about the "Diamond Dogs"?
Ted: Attaboy, Nate. Diamond Dogs it is.

Jamie Tartt: I'm good. I had ten touches, I had two completed dribbles, and in the 89th minute they let me take a free kick. I scored. Got half a chub.

Ted: I wanna thank you again for being there for me up in Liverpool.
Rebecca: It was nothing, Ted.
Ted: No, no. It was something. You got a coupon for life, young lady. Yeah. I got your back. Think of me as your own personal metaphorical Saint Bernard. You don't need to be dealing with a metaphorical avalanche to avail yourself to the metaphorical bourbon hanging around my neck.

Keeley: In my experience, I've always found that endorsements work best if you really believe in the product. So, I can find good opportunities for you guys if you let me know what you're into.
Colin: I love Air Jordans. I'd fu$k a pair of Jordans.
Keeley: All right. So, athletic wear then, yeah?
Sam: I'm into issue-oriented products. You know, pro-environment or anti-pollution. That kind of thing. Oh, and also Air Jordans. But I don't want to sleep with them.
Keeley: Isaac, what about you?
Issac: Rolos.
Keeley: So, sweets and chocolate then?
Issac: No. Just Rolos, yeah? And none of that Sour Patch bullshit either, yeah?

Roy: I always end up with my watch being stolen or a story in the press about how my penis has a curve in it.
Keeley: Does it actually?
Roy: No, I just make it feel like it does with my hips.

Roy: Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing, but every time I think about her, all I think about is Jamie fu$king Tartt.
Ted: Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape. A love triangle. Second place of course is the "I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit" dodecahedron.
Roy: Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes?
Ted: No, Roy, it does not. But, in my defense, it rarely does.

Roy: Who the fu*k are the Diamond Dogs?
Ted: It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.

Nathan: Okay, so this is about you and Keeley, right?
Coach Beard: Saw this coming.
Higgins: Nothing like the early days of courtship.
Roy: Okay, this is my fu*king nightmare.
Ted: I think the idea of you and Keeley is like cookies and cream. And I think we all agree, two great tastes that go great together, right?

Nathan: I mean, Keeley's just so kind. You know, to be liked by someone like her must be... 's wonderful.
Ted: Shout out to the Gershwin brothers right there.
Coach Beard: Fu$k yeah, the Gershwins.

Ted: Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past. But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy. And that's not okay!
Nathan: Oh, he means the opposite. I love it when Coach does sarcasm.
Roy: I can't control my feelings.
Ted: Well, then by all means you should let them control you.
Higgins: He's doing it again.
Ted: Good eye. Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing-ing aside, do me a favor. Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay?
Roy: She slept with him last night.
Nathan: I mean, are you two officially dating?
Roy: No.
Higgins: Have you already slept together?
Roy: No.
Ted: Coach, you wanna bring this home?
Coach Beard: Grow up and get over it.
Ted: The Diamond Dogs have struck again.
All Except Roy: (howling and barking)
Roy: You're all pricks.

Rebecca: We're actually here to meet with the Milk sisters.
Rupert: They won't be coming now.
Ted: Oh, no. Did they expire?

Keeley: Right. The product you'd most like to get into business with is joy?
Dani: Si. Mucho, mucho joy.
Keeley: I don't know if I can get you paid for that though, Dani.
Dani: I like to give away joy for free.

Keeley: Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman insert on Sunday. Could you please elaborate on the hip movement that makes your penis feel like it has a curve in it?
Roy: Right, no more questions. We'll see you on the pitch.

Ted: So, Rupert, y'all take your darts over here pretty seriously, huh? This and... what's the billiard game y'all do that sounds like a brand of cookies?
Rupert: Snooker?
Ted: That's it. That's the one, yup. Boy, I'd love to curl up on a couch under a weighted blanket, watch You've Got Mail and devour a box of Snookers.

Ted: As my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that's a little rich for my blood.

Roy: (explaining) I do yoga with a group of women in their 60s. They have no idea who I am, it's twice a week and it's really good for my core. Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's been going through a divorce and she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam. We all ended up at G-A-Y till 2:00 a.m. and then we had crepes in Balham with some drag queens. Like I said, it's private.
Keeley: I'm gonna kiss you now. Unless it's gonna make you run away again.

(Paparazzo takes photos of Roy and Keeley kissing...)
Roy: Where's your manners? You're supposed to ask before you take something.
(Takes the man's memory card)
Roy: For example, may I take this?
Paparazzo: No.
Roy: Well, I'm fu$king taking it. (Gives the memory card to Keeley) Here. It's pictures of our first date.

Ted: Mae, what do I need to win?
Mae: Two triple-twenties and a bulls-eye.
Rupert: (laughs) Good Luck.
Ted: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said, "Be curious, not judgmental." I like that.
(Throws a triple 20)
Ted: So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. 'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions. You know? Questions like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"
(Throws another triple 20)
Ted: To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away." Barbecue sauce.
(Throws a bulls-eye)
Ted: Good game, Rupert.

Ted: Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing you do all day, but I need a favor.
Sam: We'll die for you, Coach!
Ted: That's a little dramatic, Sam, but I see how you got there with me invoking the military and all.

Music

"Put Your Hands Up" by The Struts (After Rebecca buys drinks)

"Diamond Dogs" by David Bowie (End credits.)

Notes and Trivia

When Sassy makes the comment that she's going to order a huge breakfast and charge it to his room, Ted replies, "I'll be your Underhills anytime." This is a send-up to the film Fletch where the main character is always charging things to a married couple named "The Underhills."

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.

The scene where the Papparazzo took photos of Roy and Keeley together was filmed near the Richmond Bridge. (Google Street View)

Cast

StarringJason SudeikisTed Lasso
StarringHannah WaddinghamRebecca Welton
StarringJeremy SwiftHiggins
StarringPhil DunsterJamie Tartt
StarringBrett GoldsteinRoy Kent
StarringBrendan HuntCoach Beard
StarringNick MohammedNathan Shelley
Starring (With)Juno TempleKeeley Jones
Guest StarringAnthony HeadRupert Mannion
Guest StarringToheeb JimohSam Obisanya
Guest StarringEllie TaylorFlo 'Sassy' Collins
Guest StarringAnnette BadlandMae
Co-StarringBilly HarrisColin
Co-StarringKola BokinniIsaac
Co-StarringCristo FernandezDani Rojas
Co-StarringKeeley HazellBex
Co-StarringAdam ColborneBaz
Co-StarringBronson WebbJeremy
Co-StarringKevin 'KG' GarryPaul
Co-StarringMoe Jeudy-LamourThierry Zoreaux
Co-StarringStephen ManasRichard
Co-StarringJasmine RaymondGail
Co-StarringSamuel EdwardsGeoff
Co-StarringShaun PrendergastPaparazzi