S02E02 - Lavender

No: 12  |  Season: 2   Episode: 2  |  Air Date: 30-Jul-21  |  Runtime: 33 mins


After being kicked off a seedy reality show, and fired by Man City, a dejected Jamie considers his next career move. Roy takes Keeley's advice and tries out a new gig. Ted makes strides in coming to terms with Dr. Sharon.

Director and Writers

Director: Declan Lowney
Writers: Leann Bowen


Host: The audience at home has voted. Danthony, Jamie. One of you will go home tonight. The other will continue his lustful journey.
Jamie: Better call your nan, mate. Tell her to put the kettle on.

Phillip: We are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.
Jamie: Easy, Phillip. I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.
Holly: Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy? Are you gonna wait for her?
Jamie: Nah, no. I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean? Find the fittest girl there, have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya. Strategy.

Jamie: The second that I found out that George Harrison had died, I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin. Start taking chances. Living life to the fullest.
Holly: But George Harrison died 20 years ago.
Jamie: Yeah, but I only just found out.

Phillip: So what's next for Jamie Tartt?
Jamie: Don't know. Back to Man City. If Pep will have me, that is.
Holly: It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip. You might find this quite interesting.
(cut to clip)
Reporter: Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City?
Vinai Ahuja: Yes, Jamie. You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other. But no, he won't be coming back to Man City. We wish him luck.

Coach Beard: Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.
Ted: Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and... Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.

Nathan: We don't want calm athletes. We want killer athletes.
Coach Beard: Even after they shower?

Nathan: Did you sleep here?
Coach Beard: "Perchance to dream here."

Roy: I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation 'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fu#king beast in defense. Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner. Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.
Keeley: I don't know what does it for me more, you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist."

(They spot Ted riding on the back of a mower)
Keeley: What is Ted doing?
Roy: He's probably homesick. Closest thing he can find to a Dodge Ram.

Ted: (When he is suprised to see Sharon arriving for work) What's she doing back here, I wonder? Don't we have direct deposit?

Ted: Hey, Higgins. Did you hire Dr. Sharon without running it by me first?
Higgins: Yes. I thought it couldn't hurt. But I should've asked you first, Ted. You're absolutely right.
Ted: No, I'm dead wrong. I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations. You gotta be able to make your own decisions. Still, you should've texted me first.
Higgins: That's 100% true.
Ted: No, 1,000% false! I mean, you're a busy man! Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best! Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first. Okay?
Higgins: No, I will not.
Ted: Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.

Jamie: What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fu%king Tartt.
Manager: You're too much of a liability. You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City. Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise by having Jacuzzi sex. No one wants you.
Jamie: What about a team in Spain or Germany?
Manager: (picks up the phone) Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt? No. Okay, thank you. See?
Jamie: You weren't even speaking Spanish.

Tracy: Maybe it's time for you to focus on your television career.
Manager: This is Tracey, your new talent agent.
Tracy: You have an amazing offer for a new reality show in Ibiza. How do you feel about taking ecstasy every night for three straight weeks?

Jamie: You gotta help me, man.
Manager: Jamie, you know you're like a son to me. Now you're like a dead son, which means I love you even more.

Sharon: That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar.
Ted: Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.

Rebecca: Is it tacky to say I'm rich on an online dating profile?
Keeley: Only if you put the word "filthy" in front of it.

Ted: You ever been to a therapist, Rebecca?
Rebecca: What for? I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat. I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear... Being alone. Big whoop.

Roy: (Speaking to his young girl football team) You all played a hell of a game. But you lost. I want you to remember this feeling. Burn this moment into your brains.
(The girls smile back)
Roy: Good.

Phoebe: Is it time for trophies, Uncle Roy?
Roy: Yeah, yeah.
Ms. Bowen: Emily's mom bought everyone consolation trophies.
Roy: Must be nice to just burn cash. "Best dressed"? That's stupid. You're all wearing the same thing.

Roy: Look, when I was young, you got shouted at for losing.
Ms Bowen: Same. But then, tough love never bothered me. As long as I knew the coach gave a shit.
Roy: (to the team) Oy! It has been an honor coaching all of you. I do hope you'll come back and play next year. But only if you fu*king mean it!
(The girls giggle)

Roy: Well, we lost. Would have been closer, but one of the goals got disallowed because apparently nine-year-olds aren't allowed to do headers yet. Fu$king brain development.

Roy: Babe, come on. Don't be embarrassed. Whatever it is, it's fine. I like watching couples have sex in the woods.
Keeley: You do? Why?
Roy: 'Cause I could never be that free.

Roy: Fine. I will try it once. But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of children to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
Keeley: I look forward to the attention.

Jamie: I named him Ted. After Ted Danson.
Ted: All-time great. You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place. What a career. I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Jamie: Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl.
Ted: Yeah. All three of them got that Midas touch, don't they?

Ted: That's a real roller coaster there. Glad I was tall enough to join you on that ride.

Jamie: Mae, would you be a darling and ask those lads at the end of the bar to stop staring at me, please?
Mae: (to the three bar flys) Oy, you three, fu$k off.

Ted: I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do. You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work. But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know?

Coach Beard: Somebody order training extra spicy today?
Ted: Yeah, it's got that Nando's peri-peri sauce on it, huh?

Ted: How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer?
Coach Beard: Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession?
Ted: Metaphor, huh?
Coach Beard: Bingo, Ringo.

Ted: Hey, Sam! Hold up! Hey! Look, baby, when you make that pass, you gotta put some grass under it. Make Dani chase it down like it's a loose toddler in a busy parking lot.

Ted: There ain't nothing going on out here on this field that I can do better than any of y'all. Unless you break into a game of "finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric." Then I'll be changing your latitudes and attitudes left, right and center.

Coach Beard: I guess Sam doesn't like Jimmy Buffett.
Nathan: Who's Jimmy Buffett?
Coach Beard: Really?

Ted: People say cuss words when they don't know the right ones to use to express themselves. Except Bernie Mac. He uses them like van Gogh uses yellow. You know, effectively.

Ted: There's a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.

Sam: Did everybody see me when I stomped off...
Ted: No, no one saw that... ... Yeah, man! Everyone saw that. Come on. Of course they did.

Roy: (to the television make-up artist) What are you doing?
Woman: Sorry. What do you usually do with your lashes?
Roy: I leave them the fu&k alone.

Roy: Jamie Carragher sent me flowers. We fu@king despised each other when we played, now he's sending me flowers. How the fu*k does he know I love white orchids?

Roy: (on the phone) What if everyone thinks I'm shit?
Keeley: Since when do you care what people think? You're Roy fu%king Kent.
Producer: (interrupting) Ready for Mr. Kent.
Roy: I gotta go. Thank you.
Keeley: Kill 'em. Roy-o!

Jeff Stelling: Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea legend joins us. Welcome, Roy.
(Roy grunts)
Jeff: Right, what did you think? Did your former club play well?
Roy: No. I thought they played like shit.
Jeff: Our apologies to the viewing audience. Roy Kent with some salty language. Would you care to elaborate, Roy?
Roy: All right. Chelsea was shit today. They were shocking. Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home. They were too timid. They were too respectful of United. They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten.
Chris Kamara: That's harsh, Roy. United's been on a good run recently.
Roy: Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em. You could see it in their faces: Abject terror. Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas. Have some fu*king pride in your shirt or don't fu*king wear it.

Ted: Higgins, as a founding member of the Diamond Dogs, it breaks our little bowwow hearts to see you wandering around this building. A man without a desk. So we'd like to ask you to move in with us down here with my man, Nate.

Ted: Isn't the idea of "never give up" one of them things we always talk about in sports? And shouldn't that apply to people too?

Coach Beard: Pro, he's a great player. Con, he's a poop in the punch bowl.

Ted: Most of my conspiracies revolve around the Freemasons on account of a couple different Disney cartoons I watched a bunch as a kid.

Ted: Reading that email will be like listening to a cover tune of your thoughts. Rather hear this tune for the first time from the original artist.

Sharon: Heavy is the head that wears the visor, Coach Lasso. You must have a lot on your mind.

Sharon: Prince of Tides.
Ted: Is that your nickname for me now?
Sharon: No, Coach Lasso. My favorite book.


"Anarchy in the UK" by Sex Pistols (Plays when Roy walks to the television studio)

"Tear It Up" by Queen (Closing music)

Notes and Trivia

Note that Ted jokes about "Robert" plant and Higgins responds with "Jimmy" page, both references to the front men of the rock band "Led Zepellin."




Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.

The scene where Keeley discovers Jamie was following her was filmed at The Press Room, 29 London Rd, Twickenham. (Submitted by J. Garrett-Jones) (Google Street View)


StarringJason SudeikisTed Lasso
StarringHannah WaddinghamRebecca Welton
StarringJeremy SwiftHiggins
StarringPhil DunsterJamie Tartt
StarringBrett GoldsteinRoy Kent
StarringBrendan HuntCoach Beard
StarringNick MohammedNathan Shelley
StarringSarah NilesDr. Sharon Fieldstone
Starring (With)Juno TempleKeeley Jones
Guest StarringToheeb JimohSam Obisanya
Guest StarringCristo FernandezDani Rojas
Guest StarringKola BokinniIsaac
Guest StarringAnnette BadlandMae
Guest StarringRuth BradleyMs. Bowen
Co-StarringBilly HarrisColin Hughes
Co-StarringMoe Jeudy-LamourThierry Zoreaux
Co-StarringStephen ManasRichard Montlaur
Co-StarringMohammed HashimMoe Bumbercatch
Co-StarringDavid ElsendoornJan Maas
Co-StarringHolly WilloughbyHerself
Co-StarringPhillip SchofieldHimself
Co-StarringAdam ColborneBaz
Co-StarringBronson WebbJeremy
Co-StarringKevin "KG" GarryPaul
Co-StarringJeff StellingHimself
Co-StarringChris KamaraHimself
Co-StarringBill FellowsGeorge Cartrick
Co-StarringElodie BlomfieldPhoebe
Co-StarringCharlie HiscockWill Kitman
Co-StarringEllie JadavAmelia
Co-StarringAroop ShergillAddison
Co-StarringFleur EastJaylah Vivienne
Co-StarringGeorgia GagenEllie
Co-StarringMiguel Gaspar HarichiDanthony
Co-StarringNadia ShashClaire
Co-StarringDaniela SpataruLibby
Co-StarringRaffaello DegruttolaUri
Co-StarringLucy BlackTracey
Co-StarringLloyd GriffithLloyd
Co-StarringEmilio DoorgasinghVinai Ahuja