S02E02 - Lavender
No: 12 | Season: 2 Episode: 2 | Air Date: 30-Jul-21 | Runtime: 33 mins
After being kicked off a seedy reality show, and fired by Man City, a dejected Jamie considers his next career move. Roy takes Keeley's advice and tries out a new gig. Ted makes strides in coming to terms with Dr. Sharon.
Director and Writers
Director: Declan Lowney
Writers: Leann Bowen
Phillip: We are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.
Jamie: Easy, Phillip. I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.
Holly: Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy? Are you gonna wait for her?
Jamie: Nah, no. I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean? Find the fittest girl there, have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya. Strategy.
Jamie: The second that I found out that George Harrison had died, I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin. Start taking chances. Living life to the fullest.
Holly: But George Harrison died 20 years ago.
Jamie: Yeah, but I only just found out.
Phillip: So what's next for Jamie Tartt?
Jamie: Don't know. Back to Man City. If Pep will have me, that is.
Holly: It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip. You might find this quite interesting.
(cut to clip)
Reporter: Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City?
Vinai Ahuja: Yes, Jamie. You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other. But no, he won't be coming back to Man City. We wish him luck.
Coach Beard: Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.
Ted: Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and... Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.
Roy: I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation 'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fu#king beast in defense. Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner. Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.
Keeley: I don't know what does it for me more, you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist."
Ted: Hey, Higgins. Did you hire Dr. Sharon without running it by me first?
Higgins: Yes. I thought it couldn't hurt. But I should've asked you first, Ted. You're absolutely right.
Ted: No, I'm dead wrong. I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations. You gotta be able to make your own decisions. Still, you should've texted me first.
Higgins: That's 100% true.
Ted: No, 1,000% false! I mean, you're a busy man! Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best! Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first. Okay?
Higgins: No, I will not.
Ted: Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.
Jamie: What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fu%king Tartt.
Manager: You're too much of a liability. You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City. Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise by having Jacuzzi sex. No one wants you.
Jamie: What about a team in Spain or Germany?
Manager: (picks up the phone) Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt? No. Okay, thank you. See?
Jamie: You weren't even speaking Spanish.
Tracy: Maybe it's time for you to focus on your television career.
Manager: This is Tracey, your new talent agent.
Tracy: You have an amazing offer for a new reality show in Ibiza. How do you feel about taking ecstasy every night for three straight weeks?
Sharon: That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar.
Ted: Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.
Ted: You ever been to a therapist, Rebecca?
Rebecca: What for? I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat. I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear... Being alone. Big whoop.
Phoebe: Is it time for trophies, Uncle Roy?
Roy: Yeah, yeah.
Ms. Bowen: Emily's mom bought everyone consolation trophies.
Roy: Must be nice to just burn cash. "Best dressed"? That's stupid. You're all wearing the same thing.
Roy: Look, when I was young, you got shouted at for losing.
Ms Bowen: Same. But then, tough love never bothered me. As long as I knew the coach gave a shit.
Roy: (to the team) Oy! It has been an honor coaching all of you. I do hope you'll come back and play next year. But only if you fu*king mean it!
(The girls giggle)
Roy: Fine. I will try it once. But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of children to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
Keeley: I look forward to the attention.
Jamie: I named him Ted. After Ted Danson.
Ted: All-time great. You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place. What a career. I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Jamie: Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl.
Ted: Yeah. All three of them got that Midas touch, don't they?
Ted: I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do. You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work. But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know?
Ted: How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer?
Coach Beard: Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession?
Ted: Metaphor, huh?
Coach Beard: Bingo, Ringo.
Ted: There ain't nothing going on out here on this field that I can do better than any of y'all. Unless you break into a game of "finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric." Then I'll be changing your latitudes and attitudes left, right and center.
Roy: (on the phone) What if everyone thinks I'm shit?
Keeley: Since when do you care what people think? You're Roy fu%king Kent.
Producer: (interrupting) Ready for Mr. Kent.
Roy: I gotta go. Thank you.
Keeley: Kill 'em. Roy-o!
Jeff Stelling: Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea legend joins us. Welcome, Roy.
Jeff: Right, what did you think? Did your former club play well?
Roy: No. I thought they played like shit.
Jeff: Our apologies to the viewing audience. Roy Kent with some salty language. Would you care to elaborate, Roy?
Roy: All right. Chelsea was shit today. They were shocking. Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home. They were too timid. They were too respectful of United. They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten.
Chris Kamara: That's harsh, Roy. United's been on a good run recently.
Roy: Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em. You could see it in their faces: Abject terror. Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas. Have some fu*king pride in your shirt or don't fu*king wear it.
Ted: Higgins, as a founding member of the Diamond Dogs, it breaks our little bowwow hearts to see you wandering around this building. A man without a desk. So we'd like to ask you to move in with us down here with my man, Nate.
"Anarchy in the UK" by Sex Pistols (Plays when Roy walks to the television studio)
"Tear It Up" by Queen (Closing music)
Notes and Trivia
Note that Ted jokes about "Robert" plant and Higgins responds with "Jimmy" page, both references to the front men of the rock band "Led Zepellin."
Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.
The scene where Keeley discovers Jamie was following her was filmed at The Press Room, 29 London Rd, Twickenham. (Submitted by J. Garrett-Jones) (Google Street View)
|Dr. Sharon Fieldstone
|Kevin "KG" Garry
|Miguel Gaspar Harichi