S02E03 - Do the Right-est Thing
No: 13 | Season: 2 Episode: 3 | Air Date: 6-Aug-21 | Runtime: mins
When Rebecca is asked to look after her god-daughter, she discovers the most rewarding activity is letting the young girl shadow her at work. Jamie Tartt's return to the team turns out to be a rocky road. Due to unsavory business practices in Nigeria, Sam organizes a protest against one of the team's biggest sponsors.
Director and Writers
Director: Ezra Edelman
Writers: Ashley Nicole Black
Ted: You new around here?
Nora: To planet Earth? No, I'm 13. But I'm also fairly certain this is my third life reincarnated.
Ted: Well, color me impressed... 'cause my third lap around this big blue marble I was nothing but a horsefly.
Nora: Oh, I've never seen a horse fly. Saw a horse pee once. That was a lot.
Ted: Yeah. Noisy too.
Ted: Hey, who's the new receptionist?
Sassy: That's Nora, my daughter.
Ted: Okay. Wait? Is she mine?
Sassy: Ted, we had sex like six months ago.
Ted: Right, right. Sorry. Yeah, bad math.
Sassy: And if memory serves, you finished on my...
Ted: I believe that Jamie's on a path to becoming a better man and I'm just here to help him along that journey. You know, think of me as his own personal Mr. Miyagi. Except without all that extra yard work. Yeah.
Jamie: I know I wasn't the greatest teammate. I did some shitty things. I said some shitty things. But I want each and every one of you to know that I'm truly sorry and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it up to ya. Yeah?
Colin: You called me a jaundiced worm.
Jamie: Right, yeah. And I'm sorry about that, Colin.
Colin: In a profile for my hometown paper.
Rebecca: We could go and see a show tonight. What about The Mouse Trap? You know that Agatha Christie play where someone dies every performance? Usually in the audience. Seeing as only old people go and see it.
Nora: Why do all their dolls have to be tragically orphaned? Edith's parents died in the war. Emma's had scurvy.
Rebecca: Yes. The Americans really do the historical doll concept better, don't they? Must be their innate sense of triumph, however misguided.
Nora: Yeah, but no one does the orphans better than us Brits.
Roy: Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It's bullshit. I didn't need a fu$king parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots. Watch this... Phoebe. Do you wanna come to my podiatrist appointment later?
Phoebe: Yes, please!
Shannon: When are you guys gonna finally win a match?
Ted: Geez louise, Shannon. Not even Beard comes at me that strong this early, you know? We like to start off with a little small talk, you know? Like, I'll say, "Hey, what's the word, Larry Bird?" Then he'll say...
Shannon: "Don't call me Larry Bird and when are we gonna finally win a fu$king match?"
Ted: Yeah. Like that.
Coach Beard: Jane and I took a big step forward in our relationship this weekend. We are now sharing an iCloud account. They call it digital intimacy.
Higgins: So if she found out that you downloaded a dating app...
Coach Beard: She would destroy my phone with pliers and a blowtorch. Yes.
Jamie: I had this dope idea last night during me eyebrow threading. I'm gonna buy the whole team PS5s. They'll fu$king love me.
Ted: Yeah, but, you know, some folks might also consider that buying affection, you know.
Jamie: Exactly. Yeah, what better thing to spend money on than love? Hey?
Ted: I think it's time for these young fellas to meet... That guy.
Coach Beard: No. No, no.
Ted: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Coach Beard: They don't need to meet that guy. They don't. Nobody does.
Ted: Don't worry, Coach. It's gonna be great. All right. I'll see you in a little bit.
Nathan: Who's "that guy"?
Coach Beard: Led Tasso.
Nathan: Who's Led Tasso?
Coach Beard: The last resort.
Sam: Well, it has come to my attention that Dubai Air's parent company, Cerithium Oil, is destroying Nigeria's environment. And at the same time bribing government officials to look the other way. I can't be the face of one of their subsidiaries.
Nora: Hell, yeah.
Led Tasso: Now start touching your toes! Touch your toes! Those are your feet fingers. Let's go, dummies. Touch your toes. And touch each other's toes!
Led Tasso: You heard me! Touch each other's toes! I don't wanna hear it. Hands on toes. Someone else's toes besides your own.
Colin: What muscle is this working?
Led Tasso: Don't worry about it. The only muscle I don't wanna see working right now is your mouth, Colin.
Led Tasso: What, you wanna make this ball your girlfriend? You gonna start taking it to places under your arm? Having people compliment how y'all look together? And then what? You start caressing it and playing with, like, the little air hole nub? Yeah? Messing around with that? Making out with it. Making it your girlfriend. Is that what you wanna do? hen when? You ask it to marry you? Y'all wanna be married to a ball?
Led Tasso: I hope y'all drank a lot of water today 'cause y'all are gonna be so dehydrated, that you're gonna look like one of them trees from a Tim Burton movie. I'm talking any Tim Burton movie! Even Dumbo! Even freaking Dumbo.
Sharon: Well, that was interesting.
Ted: Thank you, Doc. Yeah, little something we came up with back in Kansas. See, what we're doing is...
Sharon: You pretend to be an asshole. So the team make you their common enemy and not Jamie.
Ted: Yeah. Spot on.
Coach Beard: Oh, yeah. Got it right away.
Coach Beard: Maybe they don't have Chuck E. Cheese here.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Y'all might call it something different here. Like Charles Edgar Cheeserton III or something, right?
Coach Beard: He's a mouse but he's also a musician.
Ted: And he loves video games and pizza.
Nora: Hey, dick hole.
Rebecca: (types) "Dear Richard Cole."
Nora: You creepy old pedo.
Rebecca: (types) "My old friend."
Nora: Sam isn't going anywhere, asshole.
Rebecca: (types) "I have decided not to release Sam Obisanya."
Nora: You're a shitty old man with a tiny, shriveled penis. I feel sorry for your wife. Her life must be a constant hell.
Rebecca: (types) "Please give Daphne my love."
Nora: Sincerely, boss ass bitch.
Rebecca: (types) "Sincerely, boss ass bitch."
Sam: Dubai Air is owned by a horrible company. One that has turned the southern coast of Nigeria, my home, into a hellish, fiery swamp. I can no longer wear their name on my chest. Never again.
Issac: Give me the tape, bruv.
Arlo: The story everyone is talking about is the return of Jamie Tartt. Chris, will the Richmond faithful welcome him back?
Chris: Tough to say, Arlo. Supporters are a notoriously fickle bunch...
(Cut to fans at the local bar)
Fans: (chanting) Jamie Tartt, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, Jamie Tartt, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, Jamie Tartt...
"Hand In My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette (Open music)
"Khala My Friend" by Amanaz (Closing music)
Notes and Trivia
When Ted says, "What do you say we do what the man says and make today our masterpiece," he is referring to former UCLA Bruins men's basketball coach John Wooden who's famous quote was, "Make each day your masterpiece."
When Sam is texting his parents, initially his phone shows no time stamp in the upper left corner. However, a time stamp later appears.
Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.
The scene where Rebecca and Nora have tea was filmed at Pitzhanger Manor & Gallery, Mattock Ln, London.
The street scenes outside the doll shop were filmed on Church Street in Twickenham. (Google Street View)
|Starring||Jason Sudeikis||Ted Lasso|
|Starring||Hannah Waddingham||Rebecca Welton|
|Starring||Jeremy Swift||Leslie Higgins|
|Starring||Phil Dunster||Jamie Tartt|
|Starring||Brett Goldstein||Roy Kent|
|Starring||Brendan Hunt||Coach Beard|
|Starring||Nick Mohammed||Nathan Shelley|
|Starring||Sarah Niles||Dr. Sharon Fieldstone|
|Starring (With)||Juno Temple||Keeley Jones|
|Guest Starring||Toheeb Jimoh||Sam Obisanya|
|Guest Starring||Cristo Fernandez||Dani Rojas|
|Guest Starring||Kola Bokinni||Isaac|
|Guest Starring||Ellie Taylor||Flo 'Sassy' Collins|
|Guest Starring||James Lance||Trent Crimm|
|Co-Starring||Billy Harris||Colin Hughes|
|Co-Starring||Moe Jeudy-Lamour||Thierry Zoreaux|
|Co-Starring||Mohammed Hashim||Moe Bumbercatch|
|Co-Starring||David Elsendoorn||Jan Maas|
|Co-Starring||Charlie Hiscock||Will Kitman|
|Co-Starring||Anna Martine Freeman||Sarah|
|Co-Starring||Bill Fellows||George Cartrick|
|Co-Starring||Kevin 'KG' Garry||Paul|