S03E02 - (I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea

No: 24  |  Season: 3   Episode: 2  |  Air Date: 22-Mar-23  |  Runtime: 47 mins


News of a top player looking to move to London sends the English clubs into a frenzy. Richmond play their first game back in the Premier League.

Director and Writers

Director: M.J. Delaney
Writers: Sasha Garron


Keeley: Maybe we could all have a picnic together in the conference room?
Barbara: Um, I can't make it.
Keeley: I didn't tell you when it was.
Barbara: I know.

Ted: Whoa! Trent Crimm. Are you kidding me? Hey, nice to see you, man. You know, they got a big old Ziploc bag full of your hair ties down at the lost and found.

Ted: No time like the present. W... Except 11:11. That's my wishing time. Or 23:11, if, uh, I'm at a military base or Euro Disney.

Higgins: Zava is leaving Juventus.
Ted: What about their kids? I'm sorry. I didn't know what any of those things meant. I thought it was like Greek mythology or something.

Higgins: He wants to play in the Premier League because his wife binged The Office and she wants to live in England.
Ted: Ooh, I think you mean Scranton, Pennsylvania, buddy.
Rebecca: No, the British Office, Ted.
Ted: Oh, that's right. Y'all did a premake over here.

Keeley: He goes through teams like you go through manicurists.
Rebecca: The fumes make me dizzy, and I overshare.

Rebecca: I mean, maybe he's a handful, but who doesn't love a handful?
Ted: I mean, if you're talking salted peanuts, yes, please. If you're talking Skittles though, no, thank you. You know, the dye melts, and it gets all over your fingers, makes 'em all sticky.

Ted: (To Keeley) Come on. Talk to me. What's it like being the boss of your own Keeley Street Band, huh?

Keeley: Maybe I could hire a shaman and we could do a bunch of ayahuasca under a blood moon.
Ted: I was thinking something like an escape room, but, hey, Clamato Clamato, right?

Roy: What the f?ck you doing?
Jamie: I was gonna hug you.
Roy: Well, you came at me too fast.
Jamie: Jesus, sorry. I forget how skittish elderly people could be 'cause of the war.

Will: (To Roy and Jamie)(nervously) Maybe we should all go out sometime. Us three. You know, get a couple drinks, couple pints, couple shots. Fishbowls. Single guys club.

Ted: What would you think if we sign Zava?
Coach Beard: (shrieks)
Ted: Ooh. That's good, right?
Coach Beard: Zava? Yeah. Okay.
Ted: Second question. Who is Zava?

Ted: Beg to differ, Claudia Schiffer.

Ted: Ooh, 11:11. Make a wish. (To Coach Beard) What'd you wish for?
Coach Beard: Oh, come on, Coach. I can't tell you that.
Ted: I just don't want our wishes to cancel each other out.
Coach Beard: That's not how it works.

Ted: Is this about us getting Zava?
Moe: Huh? What? We're getting Zava?
Dany: I just wished for that 30 seconds ago.

Ted: I need you to run to my apartment, go into my desk, and grab my CD called "Ted's breakup mix." Okay?
Will: Got it. What's a CD?

Keeley: Okay. Now the lamb chugs a Cafka mini and poof, turns into a smoking hot lion.
Barbara: Great, b-but we can't actually make the lamb drink the Cafka mini, right?
Keely: No, of course not.
Jimmy: Okay, good.
Barbara: We were told by the people in the lab, the lamb cannot drink it.
Jimmy: Yeah, no, it will die instantly. Something about enzymes.

Higgins: I have an update on the meeting with Zava.
Rebecca: Oh, great.
Higgins: Zava doesn't want to meet with us.
Rebecca: What? Why not?
Higgins: Uh, his people said, "It would be a waste of time for us and an embarrassment for him."

Higgins: A friend of my wife knows an agent whose masseuse moonlights as an airline steward on private jets. Now... she wasn't working today, but her coworker who can read lips, he saw Zava mouth the word "Chelsea" a lot.
Keeley: God, I wish I could read lips.

Rebecca: Years ago, when I was bartending in that private club, Rupert and his then wife came into the bar. (sighs) He was the life and soul of the party. Buying rounds of drinks for everyone, telling stories. Just charm personified. And he left me a massive tip. And then about a week later, he came back without his wife and asked me out. I, of course, said no. Then he left.
Keeley: What a dick.
Rebecca: But then he came back the next night and the next night and the next. And he would just sit at the bar with a drink and chatted to me until close. And he just said, "It doesn't matter if you ever go out with me. It's just worth it being here to get to know you."
Keeley: It's a fine line between stalking and romance.
Rebecca: And after about six weeks of that, he asked me out again. And I said yes without any hesitation. Because by that point... (inhales sharply) I just felt so lucky because he wanted me. He made me feel special. Chosen.

Ted: We get one goal, we're right back in this thing, yeah? But right now, we are being so unoffensive, we might as well be a Hallmark Christmas movie, you know what I'm saying?

Ted: Hallmark Christmas movies are films that feature women from the big city falling in love with their childhood crushes. It's usually some fella that owns a Christmas tree farm. Sometimes he's also Santa Claus or a prince. They suck, but they're great. But they also mostly suck. But they're also kinda great. They're good with the sound off.

Rebecca: (to Zava who is at a urinal) You are such a f?cking chickenshit. I mean, if you were great, truly great, you could play anywhere. But instead you choose a club like West Ham, because it's big and shiny, and you know that they'll win whether you're there or not. And you'll never have to wonder if you're still as good as you tell everyone you are. But you and I know that you're not. You're overrated. You're overpaid. (sniffs) And you eat too much f?cking asparagus.

Arlo: Chris, have you ever scored with your face?
Chris: I've scored with every part of my body, Arlo. That's a ridiculous question.

Dany: Do you think Zava saw?
Jamie: Don't be a dick, man.

Zava: I have changed my mind. Zava will not play for Chelsea.
Rebecca: Oh, God. I'm sorry. I can't watch this.
Zava: Zava will play for Richmond. May I keep the pen?

Moe: We've got Zava!
Coach Beard: (shrieks)

Coach Beard: Jane and I are gonna go see her friend's immersive theater show about the menstrual cycle.
Ted: Oh. All right, well, I hope you're not late.

Ted: Please tell Jane I said hello.
Coach Beard: I would, but, uh, she still finds our relationship threatening.


"Lovely Day / Good as Hell Mashup" by Pomplamoose (Opening Music)

"A Well Respected Man" by The Kinks (When Trent Crimm walks through the clubhouse)

"Ready To Go" by Republica (Plays during the commercial shoot)

"Liquidator" by Harry J All-Stars (Plays when Rebecca decides to talk Zava into joining Richmond)

"Night's Falling" by Andrew Bird (End credits)

Notes and Trivia

The episode title is a reference to the Elvis Costello song "(I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea". The song appeared on Costello's 1978 second album, 'This Year's Model' and it was inspired by Costello's childhood trips to Chelsea.

Zava both acts like and physically resembles real footballer Zlatan Ibrahimovic.




Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.

The football scenes were filmed at Stamford Bridge stadium in Fulham, the real home of the Premier League club Chelsea.


StarringJason SudeikisTed Lasso
StarringHannah WaddinghamRebecca Welton
StarringJeremy SwiftLeslie Higgins
StarringPhil DunsterJamie Tartt
StarringBrett GoldsteinRoy Kent
StarringBrendan HuntCoach Beard
StarringNick MohammedNathan Shelley
StarringAnthony HeadRupert Mannion
StarringToheeb JimohSam Obisanya
StarringCristo FernandezDani Rojas
StarringKola BokinniIsaac McAdoo
StarringBilly HarrisColin Hughes
StarringJames LanceTrent Crimm
Starring (With)Juno TempleKeeley Jones
Guest StarringAnnette BadlandMae
Guest StarringAdam ColborneBaz
Guest StarringBronson WebbJeremy
Guest StarringKevin 'KG' GarryPaul
Guest StarringMaximilian OsinskiZava
Guest StarringKaty WixBarbara
Guest StarringAmbreen RaziaShandy Fine
Guest StarringHarriet WalterDeborah Welton
Co-StarringMoe Jeudy-LamourThierry Zoreaux
Co-StarringStephen ManasRichard Montlaur
Co-StarringMoe HashimMoe Bumbercatch
Co-StarringDavid ElsendoornJan Maas
Co-StarringCharlie HiscockWill Kitman
Co-StarringArlo WhiteHimself
Co-StarringChris PowellHimself
Co-StarringDavid BoyleEdward the Lamb Wrangler
Co-StarringMiranda ShamisoJanette
Co-StarringTimothy BentinckMr. Gilman
Co-StarringMitra DjaliliChloe
Co-StarringDarren StrangeDan
Co-StarringOmar IbrahimJonny
Co-StarringChi Lewis-ParryMatthew
Co-StarringAnya SayadianVeggie Dog Vigilante Victim
Co-StarringRose JohnsonHelen
Co-StarringJonathan RhodesDewey
Co-StarringStephen FrostBruce