S03E09 - La Locker Room Aux Folles
No: 31 |
Season: 3
Episode: 9 |
Air Date: 10-May-23 |
Runtime: 44 mins
Summary
Colin and Isaac's friendship is tested. Roy is asked to do a press conference
Director and Writers
Director: Erica Dunton
Writers: Chuck Hayward
Quotes
Roy: You know, I didn't wanna say it at the time 'cause I'm trying to be less stuck in my f?cking ways...
Ted: But?
Roy: But I thought it was nuts to change our entire philosophy and style of play mid-season.
Coach Beard: But?
Roy: But it's f?cking great.
Coach Beard:I haven't seen 22 dudes have this good a time on grass since I saw the Grateful Dead jamming with the Black Crowes and Phish.
Ted: Ooh. I bet that was a tight show.
Coach Beard: Oh, it was a mess. But they had fun.
Roy: Whistle! Whistle! That's half. Great job.
Ted: Whoo! You hear that? Roy said y'all did a great job.
Dani: Ay, Chihuahua. I can't remember which pair is clean and which one is dirty.
Sam: You bundle your dirty socks?
Dani: Just because they're dirty doesn't mean they don't deserve to have a friend.
Ted: Uh-oh. When girl talk turns into girl hug, you know that either means something horrible's happened or absolutely nothing at all.
Keeley: I mean, I'm not heartbroken. It's more like heart-bent.
Ted: Ooh, heart-bent. I like that. It's a great title for a country song. You know, like... (singing) I'm heart-bent in my apartment 'Cause all that you left, was your fart scent.
Rebecca: All right. Goodbye, Ted.
Ted: (singing as he leaves) And now that you're gone. I wrote this song. 'Cause all you left was the smell of your farts.
Coach Beard: "Stairway to Heaven" is a glorified fingering exercise, and you all know it!
Rebecca: Oi! Kent! Get your hairy arse into my office. Now! (storms out)
Players: (murmuring, chuckling, whistling) Oooooh!
Roy: Every single one of you knows my arse isn't hairy. Yet none of you spoke up. And I will never forgive you.
Ted: So, are folks still dissecting frogs in science class these days or is it all just talking about the frog's feelings now?
Teacher: Honestly? Both.
Michelle: Ms. Ledbetter, is there anything Henry can be doing to bring up his grade in your class?
Ted: Yeah, besides helium.
Ted: You know what my favorite thing was about Sir Isaac Newton? He was so down to Earth.
Rebecca: If I ask you to do a press conference, do the f?cking press conference.
Roy: Okay. shit. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a big deal.
Rebecca: So you just didn't do it? Is that the plan for the rest of your life? You're just gonna walk away from everything the second it isn't fun or easy? (sighs) What do you want, Roy? Hmm? What do you really want?
Roy: I just want to be left alone.
Rebecca: Oh, bullshit, Roy! You want way more than that! You're just so convinced that you don't deserve anything good in your life, that you'd rather eat a bowl of shit soup and then complain about the portions. Get out of your own way, man. 'Cause this whole "woe is me" thing you've got going on is just f?cking ponderous.
Rupert: Knock 'em dead, killer.
Nathan: Well, I hope their kit man remembered to bring 11 body bags. (chuckles)
Keeley: So now that Jack is officially my ex, please feel free to say any of the things that you didn't like about her.
Higgins: Ooh. Her handshake was way too firm. You know... (groaning) I get it. You're friendly. (chuckles, mutters) Good riddance.
Ted: Focus up. Focus up, y'all. Coach, who we got today?
Coach Beard: Brighton and Hove Albion.
Ted: Brighton, Hove and Albion. I didn't know we were playing a law firm.
Arlo: As we enter one minute of stoppage time, the Seagulls would be thrilled to go into the locker room leading by a goal to nil. Any thoughts, Chris?
Chris: Seagulls are wretched creatures who'll steal your car keys right off your beach towel.
Roy: I don't know what happened out there, but I do know whatever it was isn't what you're really angry about. Is it?
Isaac: (sighs)
Roy: So then trust me. You got to go deal with that... or you're gonna f?ck up whatever it is you actually do care about.
Will: (interjecting) He's right, you know. The little things we get mad about are like snowflakes on a mountain. And if we wait too long, then we're just one sneeze away from an avalanche that will kill us all.
Roy: Thank you, Will.
Ted: When I was growing up back in Kansas City, I had a buddy named Stevey Jewell. Now, he was a huge Denver Broncos fan. But we were all growing up smack dab in the middle of Chiefs country. So he used to catch a lot of guff for it, you know? But me? Me, I-I told him it didn't affect the way I felt about him at all, you know? I told him that I "didn't care." (stammers) And I didn't, you know. But then in 19s... what, '97, '98, he had to watch back-to-back Super Bowls with the Denver Broncos in 'em all by himself. First one, he ate an entire seven-layer dip from Price Chopper all by himself. Big ol' thing. And it just wrecked his stomach. Apparently, he destroyed the toilet in his parents' basement. (stammers) I remember the rumor at the time being that he caused $9,000 worth of damage. Could you imagine? To a toilet. 9,000 bucks. The next year, he did the exact same thing. All by himself. He must have thought it was good luck or something. I don't know. 'Cause I wasn't there. 'Cause I "didn't care." But I should've cared. You know? I should've supported him. I-I should've been at his house both them years. Sharing that seven-layer dip with my friend while his garbage-ass team wins back-to-back Super Bowls.
Colin: Coach, did you just compare being gay to being a Denver Broncos fan?
Ted: You know what? I did, and I regret it. Yeah. Sorry about that.
Jamie: What the f?ck are Denver Broncos?
Ted: The point is, Colin... we don't not care. We care very much. We care about who you are and what you must've been going through. Yeah? But hey, from now on, you don't have to go through it all by yourself.
Trent Crimm: Better or worse than you imagined?
Colin: Uh, second-best way it could've gone, I think. Best way being the entire team confesses that they're gay too, and we get to be on the cover of Oprah's magazine.
Baz: Guy probably deserved it though, right?
Paul: Absolutely.
Jeremy: No doubt.
Mae: I hope his kids shiv him in his sleep.
Trent Crimm: Congratulations, Ted. That's eight wins in a row.
Ted: Oh, come on now, Trent. You know I don't care about winning or losing.
Coach Beard: (blows raspberry)
Ted: No, the truth is, only way I could be happier is if my arm-feet were covered in barbecue sauce.
Roy: You never talk about a streak. My grandparents were happily married for 51 years 'cause they never said a f?cking word to each other.
Roy: Yeah. All right. (sighs) You got me today. Any questions? (reporters clamoring) F?cking hell. You. Five-o'clock-shadow head.
Reporter: Coach Kent, do you or the organization condone what Isaac McAdoo did today?
Roy: What a stupid f?cking question. (reporters chuckling) Course we don't. What Isaac did was awful. He was lucky he only got a red card.
Reporter: Okay. So why'd he do it?
Roy: When I was first coming up through Sunderland, there was an old-timer on the team. Local guy. He and his wife were about to have their first kid, so during training one day, I made a joke that, statistically, I was probably the real dad. And the boys fell about laughing, but he went f?cking nuts. He battered me. Properly. I had a black eye, chipped tooth, three broken ribs. I couldn't play for six games. He got booted off the team. After that, no club would go near him. Then in the summer, after I could breathe again, I bumped into him in a pub. And I got the chance to say sorry for my stupid f?cking joke. And he got to tell me... (swallows) He and his wife had lost the baby... (reporters groaning) A month before all that went down. He hadn't told anyone. Kept it all inside. Look, I get that some people think if they buy a ticket, they've got the right to yell whatever abusive shit they want at footballers. But they're not just footballers. They're also people. And none of us know what is going on in each other's lives. So for Isaac to do what he did today, even though it was wrong... I give him love. And as for why he did what he did... that's none of my f?cking business. Next question.
Roy: Yeah, New Trent.
Marcus: Uh, Coach, let's talk about Colin Hughes.
Roy: Yeah, he's a hell of a player and a great man. I think we've underused him.
Marcus: I think you're right.
Roy: Glad we agree. I prefer you to Old Trent.
Isaac: You lied to me. For years. What is it about me that made you think you couldn't tell me?
Colin: No, it was nothing to do with you. (sighs) It was about me. I was 99% sure that you'd support me. But the 1% chance that you wouldn't scared the shit out of me.
Issac: I don't know how you did it. I can't keep a secret for shit.
Colin: I know. Another reason I didn't tell you.
Isaac: Is "top or bottom" s?x positions or sleeping arrangements?
Colin: s?xual positions. Unless bunk beds are involved. Then it's both.
Issac: Would you ever shag a woman?
Colin: No, I'm gay.
Isaac: I know, but what if you had to?
Colin: 1967 Raquel Welch.
Issac: My man.
Music
"La cage aux folles (From "La cage aux folles")" by George Hearn, Donald Pippin (Opening music)
"All That You Are" by Bear's Den (Nathan goes to see Jade)
"I Am What I Am (From "La cage aux folles")" by Donald Pippin, George Hearn (Closing Credits)
Notes and Trivia
The episode title is a reference to the famous French play "Le Cage aux folles", which has twice been adapted to a film version. It tells the story of a gay couple and the craziness that occurs when their son introduces his family to his fiancee and her ultra-conservative parents.
A Reddit user transcribed Keeley's text messages:
Just had the best salad from this new green place. We should go sometime.
greek* not green lol
5:00 works for me
Sorry, that was for someone else. But does 5:00 work for you????
Okay. it's nuts we haven't talked since you left. I don't want you to feel like I'm crowding you or anything I just want to know where you're at. I feel pretty in the dark about where we left things. which is totally fine but it would b great to talk everything over. I think we'd both feel better if we did. maybe with dinner or maybe we should do a weekend away or something. I saw this spa with kittens where they walk all over you like a kitten massage which looked totally amazing and I think you'd love it so we could just properly escape there and get pampered and leave all this drama behind
Where are you?
I miss you
Wanna get a drink?
JACK?
When Higgins said, "The press is ready for you, Ted. It's a big one," Ted responded, "That's what the lady from the American Office said." In a round about way, this is just Ted saying, "That's what she said," in a reference to an oft-used line by the character Michael Scott of "The Office."
The book Jade is reading was "Kafka on the Shore" by Haruki Murakami. The book tells the stories of a bookish 15-year-old Kafka Tamura who runs away from his Oedipal curse, and Satoru Nakata, an old, disabled man with the uncanny ability to talk to cats. The book incorporates themes of music as a communicative conduit, metaphysics, dreams, fate, the subconscious.
Goofs
In the scene where Ted gives Rebecca and Keeley biscuits, Rebecca's salad bowl disappears between shots.
Locations
Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field
can be found here.
The location that doubles as the entrance to "Bones and Honey" is located at 39 America Street, London.
(Google Maps)
Cast
Starring | Jason Sudeikis | Ted Lasso |
Starring | Hannah Waddingham | Rebecca Welton |
Starring | Jeremy Swift | Leslie Higgins |
Starring | Phil Dunster | Jamie Tartt |
Starring | Brett Goldstein | Roy Kent |
Starring | Brendan Hunt | Coach Beard |
Starring | Nick Mohammed | Nathan Shelley |
Starring | Anthony Head | Rupert Mannion |
Starring | Toheeb Jimoh | Sam Obisanya |
Starring | Cristo Fernandez | Dani Rojas |
Starring | Kola Bokinni | Isaac McAdoo |
Starring | Billy Harris | Colin Hughes |
Starring | James Lance | Trent Crimm |
Starring (With) | Juno Temple | Keeley Jones |
Guest Starring | Andrea Anders | Michelle Lasso |
Guest Starring | Annette Badland | Mae |
Guest Starring | Adam Colborne | Baz |
Guest Starring | Bronson Webb | Jeremy |
Guest Starring | Kevin 'KG' Garry | Paul |
Guest Starring | Edyta Budnik | Jade |
Co-Starring | Moe Jeudy-Lamour | Thierry Zoreaux |
Co-Starring | Stephen Manas | Richard Montlaur |
Co-Starring | Moe Hashim | Moe Bumbercatch |
Co-Starring | David Elsendoorn | Jan Maas |
Co-Starring | Charlie Hiscock | Will Kitman |
Co-Starring | Arlo White | Himself |
Co-Starring | Chris Powell | Himself |
Co-Starring | Jadran Malkovich | Disco |
Co-Starring | Sam Fletcher | Roger |
Co-Starring | Shannon Nelson | Ms. Ledbetter |
Co-Starring | Bill Fellows | George Cartrick |
Co-Starring | Jeff Stelling | Himself |
Co-Starring | Clinton Morrison | Clinton Morrison |
Co-Starring | David Kirkbride | Damien |
Co-Starring | Marcus Onilude | Marcus |
Co-Starring | Lloyd Griffith | Lloyd |
Co-Starring | Guy Porritt | Gary |
Co-Starring | Anna Martine Freeman | Sarah |