Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso Quotes - Ted Lasso

Ted Lasso Quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"


S02E12 - Inverting the Pyramid of Success (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?
Keeley: So sorry about the article, Ted.
Ted: Oh, that's okay, Keeley. You know what they say. No such thing as bad publicity, right? Although, I think they might've been wrong about that one, which is a bummer 'cause they were spot on with the beer before liquor thing.

Ted: Fact is, everything they said was true. And unlike Lieutenant Kaffee, I actually can handle the truth.

Ted: Hey, don't you worry, Hig Newton. I'm on it like a bonnet.

Ted: (to the team) Y'all found out about something from somewhere, when you should've found out about it from me first. But I chose not to tell y'all, and that was dumb. You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices in our lives every single day, ranging from, "Am I really about to eat something called Greek yogurt?" To, "Should I leave my family and take a job halfway around the world?" Me choosing not to be forthright with y'all, that was a bad choice. But I can't be wasting time wishing for a do-over on all that. 'Cause that ain't how choices work. No, sir. No. That choice, and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow my sophomore year 'cause she spilled ketchup all over herself, and it looked like she'd been shot, those are two things I ain't getting back. 'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas. And I didn't give myself the chance to build further trust with y'all. To quote the great UCLA college basketball coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf, "It is our choices, gentlemen, what show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Now, I hope y'all can forgive me for what I've done. 'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want any of y'all to hold anything back with me.
Isaac: Nah, we got you, Coach.

Coach Beard: So... Are you gonna say anything?
Ted: Well, I mean, eventually, yeah. You may have noticed through the years I can be quite loquacious.

Ted: Before living here, I used to think still water was just folks saying it's still water, you know? Like, it was water, and it continues to remain to be water.
Rebecca: Well, there's no greater education than travel.

Ted: Well, as the man says, you gotta follow your bliss, right?

S02E11 - Midnight Train to Royston (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: (enters Rebeca's office) Bing-bong, you ding-dongs.
Rebecca: Guess who is going to be featured in Vanity Fair's business issue as a powerful woman on the rise.
Ted: (excited) I finally got it? This is incredible!
Rebecca: Ted!
Ted: Yeah?
Rebecca: Not you. Keeley.
Ted: Oh, that makes more sense. Hey, congrats, Keeley. That's gonna be a Vanity Fair to remember.

Ted: Dr. Sharon's last day is tomorrow, and we're all chipping in to get her something special.
Rebecca: What did you decide on?
Ted: An envelope of cash. You know, I figured she already has all our deep, dark secrets. Kinda tough to top that with a scarf and a candle, you know?

Rebecca: Who is Edwin Akufo?
Higgins: His father owns the largest tech firm in Ghana.
Ted: Wait a second. I thought I did.
Higgins: ...Until he died last month.
Ted: I apologize for my joke.

Edwin Akufo: My most sincere apologies. I was told your training would be finished by now.
Ted: Oh, that's okay. Hakuna matata, right? (Laughs) Oh, I'm sorry. That was kind of racist, wasn't it?
Edwin Akufo: Oh, you know, Timon and Pumbaa are cartoons. So I'll let it slide.
Ted: Hey, I appreciate you. So, you must be Edwin Akufo, huh?
Edwin Akufo: Yeah, I am.
Ted: I'm Ted Lasso. (holds out his hand for a handshake)
Edwin Akufo: I don't shake hands. But I have someone who does. Francis.
(Francis steps forward and shakes Ted's hand)
Ted: That is one of the best handshakes I've ever hand shook right there. Firm yet comforting, you know, like a weighted blanket for my hand toes.

Edwin Akufo: Relegation destroys some teams, but it's only seemed to have made yours stronger.
Ted: That's all 'cause of the boss right here. (referring to Rebecca) Trickle-down economics may stink, but trickle-down support smells like pizza, roses and, I assume, Viola Davis.

Ted: Well, gosh dang it. Now I wish we had two Sams, you know? One for y'all and one for us. Where are we at with cloning these days, by the way? Them Scottish folks have been mighty quiet on that front for a while, which means we gotta be close, right?
Edwin Akufo: Yeah, well, like my father used to say, a sad white man is still a white man.
Ted: Word.

Ted: Sam and Rebecca are already one of my all-time favorite TV couples. To have one of them in real life? Yes, please.

Ted: Well, Rebecca. Listen to me. Don't listen to me. Don't listen to Edwin Akufo. Don't even listen to Sam. You just listen to your gut, okay? And on your way down to your gut, check in with your heart. Between those two things, they'll let you know what's what. They make good harmony, like two-thirds of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, you know what I mean?

Ted: Beg to differ, Higgy Stardust. Sharon's last day is manana.
Higgins: Yes, but an emergency came up, and she has to leave tonight.
Ted: Wait, she left without saying goodbye?
Higgins: She wrote everybody a letter. Mine was very nice. Here's yours.
(Ted refuses to take the letter)
Ted: No.
Higgins: Don't "let-her" her get away with it, Ted!

Ted: If you excuse me, I'm gonna go hit one of my favorite British words, and my absolute favorite Diamond Phillips, the loo.

S02E10 - No Weddings and a Funeral (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: When I was in fifth or sixth grade, there was this book called Johnny Tremain, and our homework for, like, a month was to read this book. At the end of the month, I hadn't read a lick of it, you know. And we had a test, big test, like, the next day. And the night before, I was anxious as all heck, and I couldn't sleep, and my dad starts getting after me about that. And I start crying. And he's like, "Whoa, buddy. What's wrong? What's wrong?" And I tell him what's up. And he says, "Hey, don't worry about it, okay. Just go up to your room, lay your head on your pillow and think about something you're looking forward to." So that's what I did. Next morning, I wake up, and he says, "Hey, you ain't gonna ride your bike to school. I'm gonna drive you." And I'm like, "All right." And on the way to school, he talks me through the entire book, like it's a bedtime story or something. Because he stayed up all night, the whole night, reading the whole damn thing, 'cause he didn't want his little boy stressed out over some stupid, silly test. And I ended up getting an A. Boom. He was a good dad. And I don't think he knew that.

Ted: I know I only got to meet Mr. Welton that one time, but, well, the fact that a fella his age could still do every move from Donald O'Connor's big old dance scene from Singin' in the Rain, it just gave me a lot of hope for getting older, you know.

S02E09 - Beard After Hours (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: He'll be here. Beard's like the mailman, you know? He always delivers and he looks great in shorts.
Coach Beard: Morning, fellas.
Ted: What'd I tell you?

Ted: Sometimes, every once in a blue moon, there is a game so awful, so...
Roy: Dog sh1t?
Nathan: Haunting?
Coach Beard: A catastrophe of epic proportions.
Ted: That the only way to watch it back is at ten times the speed and with the Benny Hill theme music playing under it. Here we go.

S02E08 - Man City (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: You're telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y'all patch me up and I don't have to pay jack squat?
Hospital Orderly: You're damn right.
Ted: I tell you, I love this country. I love this town. Oh, did you know that Winnie the Pooh was based on a real bear from the London Zoo?
Dr. Sharon: (arrives and hears Ted talking) F*ck me.

Ted: No intracranial hemorrhaging? Or subdural hematoma?
Doctor: No. You seem to know a lot about brain injuries.
Ted: Well, I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy in my early 30s. And actually, you know, I coached football. The American kind. You know? The one with all the concussions and hullabaloo about kneeling and such.

Doctor: Hospital policy states that head trauma patients, they cannot leave unattended.
Ted: And there ain't no policy like a hospital policy, 'cause a hospital policy don't stop.

Ted: By all measures, it's not the cruelest prank ever played, but no one should ever make someone eat a Vaseline sandwich. But that's Ronnie Fouch for you. Innovator.

Ted: I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat.

Ted: So, you gonna get a new bike, or you wanna lay off riding for a bit?
Dr. Sharon: I don't know. I haven't thought about it.
Ted: Well, I hope you get back on that horse. And by horse, I mean bicycle. Although how cool would it be if you started riding a horse to work? Everybody starts calling you "Dr. Sharon Horsewoman" or... You know, becomes your hook.

Dr. Sharon: I really should get some rest.
Ted: Hey, 10-4, good buddy. Good colleague.

Ted: (to Coach Beard) What do you say we make like Schreiber and Liev, huh?

S02E07 - Headspace (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: (sitting across from Dr. Sharon) Quite intimate here, you know? Close. Close quarters. It's like we're on a episode of The Sopranos, without all the gratuitous violence, which is a good thing. But a lot less spaghetti and clams too, which is a bad thing. So...

Ted: You got tissues over there, huh? Hmm.
Dr. Sharon: Yes, tissues.
Ted: Yeah. What are those for?
Dr. Sharon: Sometimes it gets a bit emotional in here.
Ted: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Sharon: Not always, but sometimes.
Ted: Yep, yep, yep.
Dr. Sharon: Sometimes people just sneeze.

Ted: All right, fellas. Look, there are two things you can't ever let the other team know, all right? The first one's your home address. Mark my words. You'll start having food deliveries and SWAT teams showing up 24-7, which is nuts, 'cause in my day, all we had to worry about was crank phone calls. Then, with the advent of caller ID, that joy got 86'd from the prank menu, which is a darn shame, 'cause the Jerky Boys were a national treasure. Y'all should give them a Google sometime. But I digress...

Ted: I don't wanna see y'all walking around with your tired faces, all... Okay? Just huffing and puffing around the pitch. Uh-uh. No, thank you. The only face I wanna see from y'all is, what, Coach?
Coach Beard: (yelling) Game face, baby!
Ted: Darn tootin', Vladimir Putin!

Ted: Like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight 'cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers.

Ted: All right, fellas! Hey! So here's the plan today. Peas and carrots, you're going with Coach Roy. Rest of you beef chunks are coming with me. Let's go to work.
Team: What?
Coach Beard: Starters with Roy, reserves with Coach.

Ted: Because I respect your readers so much, I'll leave out all the specific nastiness that occurred. Yeah. But I'm fit as a fiddle now.
Trent Crimm: So you had food poisoning and you are fit as a fiddle now...
Ted: Exactamundo, Dikembe Mutombo.
Trent Crimm: Love our chats.

S02E06 - The Signal (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: Hey, Doc. You get in any trouble last night?
Dr. Sharon: Nothing I care to speak about at work.
Ted: Doc, you are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.

Dr. Sharon: Ted, make an appointment when you need to talk.
Ted: Hey, I talk all the time, Doc. Just let me follow you around for ten minutes. After five, you'll want me to hush my butt.

Ted: (to Keeley and Roy) Hey. I tell you what, I'm shipping the heck out of you two.
Roy: I'm calling HR.
Ted: Yeah, well, tell Mr. Pufnstuf I said hello. That is a joke for people born in the early to mid '70s.

Ted: I don't know about you fellas, but I am fired up for this FA Cup thing. I mean, come on. A March Madness tournament in the middle of our season featuring every dang team in the country? Yes, please. I mean, what we got? Davids versus Goliaths, right? You know? Rockys versus Apollos. Steve Wiebes against Billy Mitchells. What's another one, Coach?
Coach Beard: Pearl Jam versus Ticketmaster.
Ted: Classic battle of art versus commerce right there.

Ted: One of my best friends growing up was this fella, Marcus Girard. He dated the same girl from grade school to high school to college, whole time. And she could be a little bit of a pill, if I'm being honest, you know? No reason to start lying now. And, well, I let him know that. I told him so. And he was not too pleased, all right? And that is the last time I ever gave a best man speech.

S02E05 - Rainbow (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: People saying there's something wrong with us. Not the way I see it, okay? And here's why: I believe in communism. (players murmur) Rom-communism, that is.
Bumbercatch: What is rom-communism?
Ted: Well, Bumbercatch, it is a world view that reminds us that romantic comedies with folks like Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan or, uh, Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant or... Who am I missing, Coach?
Coach Beard: (sighs)
Richard: Drew Barrymore?
Thoreaux: Matthew McConaughey, obviously.
Ted: All right, all right.
Jamie Tartt: The three Kates.
Colin: Yeah, Beckinsale, Hudson, Winslet.
Nathan: You forgot Blanchett.
Coach Beard: Different spelling.
Sam: I enjoy Renee Zellweger and all the Bridget Jones movies. Mmm. I mean, her accent is pitch perfect and her gift of physical comedy is grossly underrated.
Ted: Word!

Ted: Point is, fellas, if all those attractive people with their amazing apartments and interesting jobs, usually in some creative field, can go through some lighthearted struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.

Ted: Gentlemen, believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end. Now these next few months might be tricky, but that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest. Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end in the dark forest. That son of a gun always shows up smack-dab in the middle of a story. But it will all work out. Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out. Exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.

Dr. Sharon: Coach Lasso, is Isaac okay?
Ted: No, ma'am, he is not. Nah, he's a wigwam and a teepee right now.
Dr. Sharon: What does that mean?
Coach Beard: He's too tense.
Both: Boom!

Dr. Sharon: Do you want me to talk to Isaac?
Ted: No. That's okay. We got it. I know exactly what Isaac needs. Thank you, though.
(Dr. Sharon leaves)
Nathan: Okay. What does Isaac need?
Ted: Oh, I have no idea.

Ted: Fancy running into you here, after asking Keeley where you were and scootin' my boot right over, that is.
Roy: She told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me. I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie.
Ted: I don't know what makes your aunt Natalie so great, but I appreciate your effusiveness, despite her appearance.
Roy: (growls)

Roy: Why are you bothering me at my kebab place? This is like my church.
Ted: Oh? Who knew transubstantiation could happen with a pita?

Ted: What do you think about joining the coaching staff?
Roy: F*ck off.
Ted: Mmm, that's a solid negotiation tactic right there.
Roy: I don't wanna coach. I like what I'm doing, and I'm good at it. People tweet about me, with JIFs and everything.
Ted: I know some folks pronounce it "GIFs", but I hear you.

Ted: Ain't no side-eye like a Roy Kent side-eye.

Roy: Was that all right?
Ted: That was great.
Roy: Too many f*cks?
Ted: I don't know. Kinda like all the nipples in that movie, Showgirls. Halfway through, you don't even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative.
Roy: I dated Gina Gershon once.
Ted: That makes me happy.

Ted: I came here tonight 'cause when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life coaching with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin ASAP.
Roy: Please stop.
Ted: You complete our team.
Roy: You're an asshole.
Ted: I'm also just a coach, standing in front of a boy, asking him if...
Roy: Listen, I'm never coming back to Richmond. Not now, not ever...

Coach Beard: Set your alarm for PM instead of AM?
Ted: Yes, sir, Steve Kerr. Thank you.
Coach Beard: Still, you got down here pretty quick.
Ted: Yeah, well, I think a fella should only take as long as the tune "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey to get dressed in the morning.
Coach Beard: Makes sense.

Dr. Sharon: I was just checking in. See how you're feeling.
Ted: Oh, well, that's mighty nice of you. How am I feeling? I don't know, you know? I-- I'm just dealing with the terror of knowing what this world is about, you know? Watching a few good friends screaming to let them out.
Dr. Sharon: So, you're feeling under pressure?
Ted: Ba ba ba be doo...

S02E04 - Carol of the Bells (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Rebecca: It's actually rather lovely. We just sing carols around Elton's piano, and hopefully Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig will do their puppet show again.
Ted: That sounds like double-O heaven to me.

Ted: Once Henry wakes up here, in about an hour, he wants us to open presents and spend all day together on FaceTime. It's gonna be a lovely afternoon of yuletide cheer in two dimensions.

Rebecca: How's FaceTime Christmas with Henry going?
Ted: Well, I lost him to an overpriced guilt gift. Hubris, thy name is Ted.
Rebecca: Grab a coat. You're coming with me.

Ted: I love the buskers y'all got over here. Always reminds me of that movie, Once. You ever see that?
Rebecca: Great film.
Ted: Yeah, I loved Once so much, I saw it twice.

(After Ted donates loose change to the buskers, Rebecca donates a roll of bills)
Ted: Oh, shit. I guess that's what I get for taking a tinkle next to John Holmes.

Rebecca: Did he just call you a wanker?
Ted: Yeah, it's an inside joke. Mostly inside of him.

S02E03 - Do the Right-est Thing (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: You new around here?
Nora: To planet Earth? No, I'm 13. But I'm also fairly certain this is my third life reincarnated.
Ted: Well, color me impressed... 'cause my third lap around this big blue marble I was nothing but a horsefly.
Nora: Oh, I've never seen a horse fly. Saw a horse pee once. That was a lot.
Ted: Yeah. Noisy too.

Ted: Hey, who's the new receptionist?
Sassy: That's Nora, my daughter.
Ted: Okay. Wait? Is she mine?
Sassy: Ted, we had sex like six months ago.
Ted: Right, right. Sorry. Yeah, bad math.
Sassy: And if memory serves, you finished on my...

Ted: All right, Lloyd, why don't you go all Pat Benatar on me, yeah?
Lloyd: And hit you with my best shot?
Ted: Fire away.

Lloyd: You think this'll end your team's embarrassing streak of draws?
Ted: Oh, Lloyd, I've never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers. It's all part of growing up.

Ted: I believe that Jamie's on a path to becoming a better man and I'm just here to help him along that journey. You know, think of me as his own personal Mr. Miyagi. Except without all that extra yard work. Yeah.

Ted: All right, fellas, I think we've all had enough of this amuse-bouche. Time to move on to the main course. Chef Beard, what's on the menu?
Coach Beard: 11 v 11. Let's go!

Ted: I think it's time for these young fellas to meet... That guy.
Coach Beard: No. No, no.
Ted: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Coach Beard: They don't need to meet that guy. They don't. Nobody does.
Ted: Don't worry, Coach. It's gonna be great. All right. I'll see you in a little bit.
Nathan: Who's "that guy"?
Coach Beard: Led Tasso.
Nathan: Who's Led Tasso?
Coach Beard: The last resort.

Led Tasso: Now start touching your toes! Touch your toes! Those are your feet fingers. Let's go, dummies. Touch your toes. And touch each other's toes!
Team: What?
Led Tasso: You heard me! Touch each other's toes! I don't wanna hear it. Hands on toes. Someone else's toes besides your own.
Colin: What muscle is this working?
Led Tasso: Don't worry about it. The only muscle I don't wanna see working right now is your mouth, Colin.

Led Tasso: What, you wanna make this ball your girlfriend? You gonna start taking it to places under your arm? Having people compliment how y'all look together? And then what? You start caressing it and playing with, like, the little air hole nub? Yeah? Messing around with that? Making out with it. Making it your girlfriend. Is that what you wanna do? hen when? You ask it to marry you? Y'all wanna be married to a ball?

Led Tasso: I hope y'all drank a lot of water today 'cause y'all are gonna be so dehydrated, that you're gonna look like one of them trees from a Tim Burton movie. I'm talking any Tim Burton movie! Even Dumbo! Even freaking Dumbo.

Led Tasso: I haven't seen a pass that soft since my high school drama teacher asked me to mow his lawn.

Ted: How are you feeling?
Sam: Good. I think. I just hope the rest of the team is not upset with me.
Ted: Hey, doing the right thing is never the wrong thing.

S02E02 - Lavender (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Coach Beard: Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.
Ted: Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and... Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.

Ted: (When he is suprised to see Sharon arriving for work) What's she doing back here, I wonder? Don't we have direct deposit?

Sharon: That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar.
Ted: Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.

Jamie: I named him Ted. After Ted Danson.
Ted: All-time great. You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place. What a career. I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Jamie: Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl.
Ted: Yeah. All three of them got that Midas touch, don't they?

Ted: That's a real roller coaster there. Glad I was tall enough to join you on that ride.

Ted: I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do. You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work. But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know?

Coach Beard: Somebody order training extra spicy today?
Ted: Yeah, it's got that Nando's peri-peri sauce on it, huh?

Ted: Hey, Sam! Hold up! Hey! Look, baby, when you make that pass, you gotta put some grass under it. Make Dani chase it down like it's a loose toddler in a busy parking lot.

Ted: There ain't nothing going on out here on this field that I can do better than any of y'all. Unless you break into a game of "finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric." Then I'll be changing your latitudes and attitudes left, right and center.

Ted: People say cuss words when they don't know the right ones to use to express themselves. Except Bernie Mac. He uses them like van Gogh uses yellow. You know, effectively.

Ted: There's a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.

Ted: Higgins, as a founding member of the Diamond Dogs, it breaks our little bowwow hearts to see you wandering around this building. A man without a desk. So we'd like to ask you to move in with us down here with my man, Nate.

Ted: Isn't the idea of "never give up" one of them things we always talk about in sports? And shouldn't that apply to people too?

Ted: Most of my conspiracies revolve around the Freemasons on account of a couple different Disney cartoons I watched a bunch as a kid.

Ted: Reading that email will be like listening to a cover tune of your thoughts. Rather hear this tune for the first time from the original artist.

S02E01 - Goodbye Earl (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Nathan: Is it okay if I pray?
Ted: Yeah, of course. But to which god and in what language, you know?
Coach Beard: You could cross your fingers, make a wish.
Ted: There you go.

Marcus: How many more matches you think can end in a draw before you hit the panic button?
Ted: Well, Marcus, there's two buttons I never like to hit, all right? And that's "panic" and "snooze."

Ted: When I was three years old, I got attacked by our neighbor's dog. I-I don't remember it happening, but my mother said it was pretty-- pretty scary, you know. I do remember being afraid of dogs while growing up though. Like if I was at a friend's house for a sleepover or something, they'd have to keep their family dog outside, otherwise I'd bawl my eyes out. Then in high school, our neighbor, Mr. Grady, well, his wife passed away. And he was real sad about that, as you can imagine, and he just kinda stopped taking care of their dog. Same one that bit me. His name was Hank. And so I started looking after him, you know. Feeding him, taking him on walks, playing fetch, all that fun stuff. Eventually, Mr. Grady's son moved his dad into a nursing home, and he asked if I wanted to keep Hank, and I was like, "Yeah. Heck, yeah." And then a year or so after that we had to put Hank to sleep. It's funny to think about the things in your life... that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they're now gone. I think those things come into our lives... to help us get from one place to a better one. And I hope we helped Earl do just that. We gonna miss him around here a whole bunch.

Ted: I'm telling you, all these ties are my fault. It's straight up celestial payback for the Man City game. There I was wishing and hoping for a freaking tie, and now the karma police are making good on showing me what I get when I mess with them.

Rebecca: What do you say to a cocktail, Coach Lasso?
Ted: Oh, the same thing I'd say to Diane Sawyer if she ever asked me out on a date: "Yes, please."

Keeley: How you feeling?
Ted: Well, Keeley, I feel like a bigger loser than the biggest loser from The Biggest Loser.

Higgins: How's Dani doing?
Ted: Oh, he's a little shell-shocked, but Dani's a lot like an expensive tape measure. He snaps back real quick.

Ted: (about Roy) He knows he's always got a ticket waiting for him at will call?
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: And don't forget, I don't put it under his name. I don't want folks messing with him. It's under an alias. Like, last week it was Loretta Lynn, this week was Dolly Parton, and next week is, if I remember correctly, Shania Twain.

Ted: I haven't seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.

Ted: Hey, fellas! Line up for Midnight Poutine!

Ted: Well, fellas, I am more stumped than Paul Bunyan's local forest.

Nathan: What are the yips?
Coach Beard: It's when, just out of nowhere, an athlete suddenly can't do the basic fundamentals of their sport.
Ted: Yeah, you know, like Chuck Knoblauch's throw to first, or Charles Barkley's golf swing. You guys know what I mean... (no response)... Sometimes being here is like living in a foreign country.

Higgins: Ted, what are your thoughts on therapy?
Ted: General apprehension and a modest Midwestern skepticism. Why do you ask?

S01E10 - The Hope that Kills You (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Nathan: There is a scenario where Crystal Palace beat Norwich by six goals, and we avoid relegation with just a tie.
Ted: No, no, no. Nope. Sorry. No. I hate ties, Nate. How many times I gotta tell you that? They ain't natural, all right? If God wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers, all right?

Ted: So I've been hearing this phrase y'all got over here that I ain't too crazy about. "It's the hope that kills you." Y'all know that? I disagree, you know? I think it's the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief. Now, where I'm from, we got a saying too, yeah? A question, actually. "Do you believe in miracles?" Now, I don't need y'all to answer that question for me... but I do want you to answer that question for yourselves. Right now. Do you believe in miracles? And if you do... then I want y'all to circle up with me right now. Come on. Let's go.
(Players cheer and get in a circle)

Announcer: Obisanya with an inch-perfect through ball. Winchester was clearly offside.
Ted: Come on, now! Explain to me how that's offside.... No, I'm serious. How is that offside? I don't understand that yet.

Ted: I don't want to hear about any other game going on any other place. Okay? Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister.
Zoreaux: What?
Ted: Which is an American phrase that I'm now realizing does not exist here, and that's good, 'cause it's creepy, and I hate it myself, I don't know why I said it. I think it's just the adrenaline, the nerves and all that. But we are playing for a win. Win and in. You hear?

Ted: Hey. Y'all played a heck of a game out there. We may not have won, but y'all definitely succeeded. I mean, you gave the champs 90 minutes of hell. Zoreaux, where you at? That dude had more saves than a Baptist preacher. Give it up for Zoreaux. Yeah. (applause) That's right. What about Roy? Roy chased down his grandson. Stopped him from getting an easy one.

Ted: I want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain't nobody in this room alone.

Ted: Sam, do you remember what animal has the shortest memory?
Sam: A goldfish.
Ted: That's right. It's a goldfish. Sam, what do you think we should all do once we get done being sad and/or angry about this situation?
Sam: I think we should all be a goldfish.
Ted: I agree. Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together. And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish. Onward. Forward.

Ted: The teams that get relegated, they can get un-relegated, yeah?
Rebecca: They can get promoted.
Ted: So then, next year we get ourselves a promotion, which looks good on any resume. Then we come back to this league and... we do something that no one believes we could ever do. Win the whole fu&king thing.

S01E09 - All Apologies (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: All right, let's mix it up in here a little. If you're an introvert, I want y'all to raise your hand. You guys get the next few questions. (several reporters raise hands) Ah! That was a trick! If y'all were really introverts, you would've been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won't shut up.

Ted: All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.
Sam: Oh, food poisoning is no joke. One time, I was being sick, and at the same time, I was having diarrhea.
Ted: Mm. Yep. That'll happen. Anybody else wanna share?
Dani: To be able to do both those things at the same time? The body is a miracle.
Ted: Yeah. Good perspective. I appreciate that.

Ted: So, fellas, we all know speed is important. But being able to stop and change directions quickly? Well, that's like Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak. It don't get nearly enough credit.

Ted: (to Coach Beard) All right. I see what's going on here. This is about Roy, ain't it? So you gonna give me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. That's a combo. Does it come with a medium drink?

Roy: Told my niece I might not be playing. She asked if we could go get ice cream.
Ted: Well, hey, at least you had someone you could talk to, right? How was the ice cream?
Roy: Good. It's fu*king ice cream.
Ted: Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best. It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel perform live, you know? It never disappoints. It does give me the toots though. The ice cream, not Billy Joel.

Ted: I promised myself I was never gonna watch Fresh Prince again when they swapped out Aunt Vivs. But truth be told, as long as they let Carlton do his thing, I was always gonna take a minute and just sit right there.

Ted: Alfonso Ribeiro, the greatest physical comedian of the 19th, 20th and 21st century. Case in point right here. (dances the Carleton) Iconic, yeah?
Roy: I never know how to react when a grown man does the Carlton in front of me.
Ted: You could see a silhouette doing this, you know exactly what it is, you know exactly who's doing it. It is the one, the only, Alfonso...

Roy: Can I think about it?
Ted: I'd call you a big dummy, poo-poo face if you didn't.

Ted: Be honest with me. It's a prank, right? The tea. Like, when us tourist folks aren't around, y'all know this tastes like garbage.
Roy: No. I love it.
Ted: You don't love it. It's pigeon sweat.

Ted: Bing-bong! It's biscuits o'clock.

S01E08 - The Diamond Dogs (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Sassy: I'm gonna go back to sleep, and then I'm gonna order a huge breakfast on your tab.
Ted: That's a pro move right there. Yeah. Hey, I'll be your Underhills anytime.

Roy: Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing, but every time I think about her, all I think about is Jamie fu$king Tartt.
Ted: Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape. A love triangle. Second place of course is the "I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit" dodecahedron.
Roy: Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes?
Ted: No, Roy, it does not. But, in my defense, it rarely does.

Roy: Who the fu*k are the Diamond Dogs?
Ted: It's just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.

Rebecca: We're actually here to meet with the Milk sisters.
Rupert: They won't be coming now.
Ted: Oh, no. Did they expire?

Ted: So, Rupert, y'all take your darts over here pretty seriously, huh? This and... what's the billiard game y'all do that sounds like a brand of cookies?
Rupert: Snooker?
Ted: That's it. That's the one, yup. Boy, I'd love to curl up on a couch under a weighted blanket, watch You've Got Mail and devour a box of Snookers.

Ted: As my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that's a little rich for my blood.

Ted: Mae, what do I need to win?
Mae: Two triple-twenties and a bulls-eye.
Rupert: (laughs) Good Luck.
Ted: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said, "Be curious, not judgmental." I like that.
(Throws a triple 20)
Ted: So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. 'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions. You know? Questions like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"
(Throws another triple 20)
Ted: To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away." Barbecue sauce.
(Throws a bulls-eye)
Ted: Good game, Rupert.

Ted: Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing you do all day, but I need a favor.
Sam: We'll die for you, Coach!
Ted: That's a little dramatic, Sam, but I see how you got there with me invoking the military and all.

S01E07 - Make Rebecca Great Again (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: Obviously we're bummed out that O'Brien tore his butt.
O'Brien: It's my upper hamstring, Coach.
Ted: You tore your butt, son. There's nothing to be ashamed of, okay? It happens. People tear their butts all the time in athletics. You're not alone, man. (To COach Beard) Hey, Coach, you've torn your butt a few times, right?
Coach Beard: Three times.

Reporter: I'm wondering, how worried are you about the threat of relegation?
Ted: Lloyd, right now I'm mostly concerned with the definition of relegation.

Ted: (to reporters) All right. See you fellas in Liverpool, yeah? (Boards the bus) Oh. Hey! Last one there is a Scotch egg!

Ted: All right, fellas, we got team meal in an hour. After that, it's either gonna be movie night or a pillow fight. What's it gonna be this time around?
All: Movie night.
Ted: All right. But I tell you what, y'all say "pillow fight" one time, and we'll never watch another movie together again.

Sassy: A fax machine, hey? Are you sending something to the year 1997?
Ted: Yeah, just a little note to myself telling me to buy Apple stock.

S01E06 - Two Aces (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: You know, it's okay, 'cause it's a great time now for me to, you know, bury myself in my work here. And so... Although, I'm not crazy... I don't love the word "bury," you know what I mean? It's just got a negative connotation to it, don't it? What's another word I could say? Everyone loves a good bath, right? Just a nice warm bath, right? Yeah? So that's what I'll say. I'll say, "I'm gonna bathe myself in work."

Rebecca: Your decision to bench Jamie Tartt was very brave.
Ted: Thank you.
Rebecca: I mean, a masterstroke.
Ted: I don't think we're allowed to talk like that at work anymore.

Ted: (To Jamie Tartt) If you can't practice, you can't practice. If you're hurt, you're hurt. It's as simple as that. But it ain't about that... at all. You're sitting in here. You're supposed to be the franchise player. And yet here we are, talking about you missing practice. We're talking about practice. You understand me? Practice. Not a game. Not a game. Not the game you go out there and die for. Right? Play every weekend like it's your last, right? No, we're talking about practice, man. Practice! You know you're supposed to be out there. You know you're supposed to lead by example. You're just shoving that all aside. And so here we are, Jamie. We're talking about practice. Not a game. Not the game. We're talking about practice, with your team. With your teammates. The only place we get to play together, we got control over. Rest of the time it's us 11 against those 11. We're talking about practice, man! I'm talking about practice! And you can't do it 'cause you're hurt. Right? It's fine by me. Tell you what. Do me a favor. When you get out there, set up the cones so the other reserves can do a little passing drill.

Ted: Oh, boy. I tell you, man. I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids.

Sam: Coach, is it true in America you guys have so many beautiful dogs in pounds that some get put down for no reason?
Ted: That is true, Sam. But it's also something a lot of female singer-songwriters are trying to change.

Ted: Gentlemen, I am, by nature, a believer. Ghosts, spirit guides, aliens. Still, I can't actually tell you what lives beyond our physical world and what doesn't. What I can tell you, is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.

S01E05 - Tan Lines (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: Our therapist gave us this code word to use. So if either of us says "Oklahoma," the other one has to tell the God's honest truth. Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful. Did ruin the musical for me though.

Ted: Jamie, how many times I gotta tell you to make the extra pass? Come on. Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.
(Players murmur)
Ted: Oh, that's right. Y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open. That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.
Roy: It's a fu$king good idea, to be fair.
Ted: Yeah, it is.

Ted: (to his wife and son) Little tip for y'all, all right? Fries are called "chips." Chips are called "crisps." And "bangers" aren't great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.

Michelle: Do they, um, wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper? I read they do that here.
Ted: No, no. I wish. Boy, I'd love that. Having my food teach me stuff?
Michelle: Yeah, that's your dream scenario, right? A doughnut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.
Ted: Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole.

Ted: Coach's views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one, loses its flavor.

Ted: I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons.

Ted: Fellas, we're broken. We need to change. And, look, I know change can be scary. One minute, you're playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside.
(chuckles are heard)
Ted: Mm. She was a striking woman. Not classically beautiful, but striking. First time I ever saw tan lines.

Roy: Took balls, what you did.
Ted: That's all we got is balls, Roy. It's all we got.

S01E04 - For the Children (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: Looks like we still got ourselves a team divided here. Coach, you know what I'm thinkin' about right now?
Coach Beard: West Side Story?
Ted: You know it. Sharks and Jets. You think these fellas could solve their problems with a dance-off at a gymnasium?

Ted: Nate the Great! He's gonna be my date! And for obvious reasons, we'd love to be at table eight!

Ted: Fashion's all about confidence. If I didn't have any confidence, I never would've worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night.

Rebecca: Rupert was always very good at the public speaking part.
Ted: Hey, here's a little trick of the trade. Just make fun of yourself right off the bat, a little joke. Folks will love that.
Rebecca: Okay, so, what should I make fun of myself about?
Ted: (inhales) Right, right, right. (stammers) Um...

Roy: Just the usual. Jamie being a little bitch prima donna.
Ted: Roy, let me ask you something. What were you like when you were 23? Playing in this league, making all that money.
Roy: Little bitch prima donna.
Ted: Yeah. You know how they say that "youth is wasted on the young"? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.

Ted: Love of a sports team is a lifetime obsession. Kinda like your best friend's older sister, right?

S01E03 - Trent Crimm: The Independent (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: Yeah, finally saw Big Ben. Boy, I thought I'd seen the biggest clock there was. When I was a kid, my folks took me to the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower up there in Milwaukee. They ended up leaving me there all by myself. Yeah, three hours and 42 minutes. You know how I know that?
Rebecca: You were staring at a clock?

Rebecca: I have a branding meeting, so...
Ted: I always feel so bad for the cows, but you gotta do it otherwise they get lost.

Ted: Sorry, Nate. I have a real tricky time hearing folks that don't believe in themselves.

Ted: (toward Rebecca) This woman right here is strong, confident and powerful. Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it either.

Ted: Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough-and-tumble playgrounds of Brookridge Elementary School. One, if little Ronnie Fowch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no, and you get the hell outta there. 'Cause there's a good chance that little son of a gun has just pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper.

Ted: (referring to Roy) He's the one, Coach. If we're gonna make an impact here, the first domino that needs to fall is right inside that man's heart.

Ted: I know Trent, yeah. He's a tough cookie.
Rebecca: Really?
Ted: Yeah, but that's okay. You know what you do with tough cookies, don't ya?
Rebecca: No.
Ted: Dip 'em in milk.

Ted: Hey, Trent. You know who you remind me of right now?
Trent: No. Who?
Ted: One of them robot vacuums. Just kinda wandering around looking for dirt.

Ted: Well, that's the funny thing about coincidences, ain't it? Sometimes they just happen.

Ted: Hey, Ollie. This is my friend Trent. Trent, this is my buddy Ollie. Congrats. You both just met a cool person.

Ted: (to Trent) I love coaching. Now, I'm gonna say this again just so you didn't think it was a mistake the first time I said it. For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It's about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field. And it ain't always easy, Trent, but neither is growing up without someone believing in you.

S01E02 - Biscuits (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Ted: What about you, Coach? How you feeling?
Coach Beard: A little nervous.
Ted: Well, heck, yeah. No such thing as "last-day jitters."

Ted: (enters Rebecca's office) Knock-a-doodle-do.

Ted: Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. I don't know why y'all do that.

Ted: I would not bet on that. I mean, unless you wanna win a buttload of money.

Ted: Hey, Sam, come here a sec.
Sam: Coach, I'm sorry.
Ted: You know what the happiest animal on earth is? It's a goldfish. You know why?
Sam: No.
Ted: Got a ten-second memory. Be a goldfish, Sam. Yeah?

Ted: You still laughing at stuff you don't think is funny, huh?
Nathan: I'm not always sure what's a joke and what isn't.
Ted: Yeah, it's tough to tell these days, isn't it?

Rebecca: How was your first official day?
Ted: I'm not entirely sure what y'all's smallest unit of measurement is over here, but that's about how much headway I made.

Ted: Let's tie up some loose ends from yesterday. First concert, Kenny Rogers, right? Best concert, we got Beastie Boys at HORDE Fest, 1995. You're gonna love this story. Actually, did y'all get the O.J. trial over here?

Reporter: How are you feeling about taking on Crystal Palace this weekend?
Ted: A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile if you ask me.

Trent Crimm: Could you explain the offside rule?
Ted: Well, Trent, I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.

S01E01 - Pilot (Ted Lasso Quotes)

Tommy: You coaching football. Mate, you are a legend for doing something so stupid. I mean, it's mental. They're gonna fuc$ing murder you.
Ted: Well, you know, I've heard that tune before. But here I am, still dancing.

Ted: Come on. Hit me with a fun fact.
Coach Beard: They don't say "out of bounds." They say "into touch."
Ted: Okay, you owe me five bucks if I sneak that into a sentence later.

Ted: Hey, hey, hey! If we see each other in our dreams, let's goof around a little bit, pretend like we don't know each other.
Coach Beard: You got it, stranger.

Ollie: Okay. That's Tower Bridge.
Ted: Right. Not the London Bridge, 'cause this one's still up.

Ted: If that's a joke, I love it. If not, I cannot wait to unpack that with you.

Rebecca: How do you take your tea?
Ted: Well, usually I take it right back to the counter 'cause someone's made a horrible mistake.

Ted: You know, I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right.

Rebecca: Would you like a tour?
Ted: I'd love to see Abbey Road.
Rebecca: ...of the club.
Ted: Yeah, let's start there.

Rebecca: Some of the locals claim they still see fallen soldiers wandering around the pitch.
Ted: That's spooky.
Rebecca: Do you believe in ghosts, Ted?
Ted: I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves.

Ted: Heck, you could fill two Internets with what I don't know about football. But I'll tell you what I do know. I know that AFC Richmond, like any team I've ever coached, is gonna go out there and give you everything they got for all four quarters.
Reporter: Halves.
Ted: What was that?
Reporter: Two halves.
Ted: Right. Sorry. Halves, yeah. They're gonna give you everything they got for two halves, win or lose.
Reporter: Or tie.
Ted: Right. Y'all do ties here. Sorry. That's going to take some getting used to for me. 'Cause back where I'm from, you try to end a game in a tie, well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.

Reporter: Can you even name any footballers?
Ted: Well, yeah, you got Ronaldo and the fellow that bends it like himself.

Reporter: What's a goalie?
Ted: The fella with the big Mickey Mouse hands and the... by the net.

Ted: You know, I'd love to say hi to the team, if I can.
Rebecca: Can't keep a gaffer from his pitch.
Ted: You can say that again. Okay. (Aside to Coach Beard) I am 0 for 2 in that sentence.

Ted: Holy smokes! Did you see that? That fella looked like a kitty cat when it gets spooked by a cucumber.

Ted: I do love a locker room. Smells like potential... and am I getting notes of Axe body spray?

Ted: (Referring to Roy) Last time I saw eyes that cold, they were going head-to-head with Roy Scheider.
Coach Beard: Jaws?
Ted: No, All That Jazz.