Coach Beard - Ted Lasso

Coach Beard Quotes - Ted Lasso

Coach Beard quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"


S02E12 - Inverting the Pyramid of Success (Coach Beard Quotes)

Jamie: All right? Is Roy here?
Coach Beard: I don't hear any grunting.

Coach Beard: Just need a second. It's Jane.
Ted: How's all that going?
Coach Beard: We broke up. (Checks his phone) We're back on.

Coach Beard: You keep trying to hold all this in, I'm afraid your mustache is gonna pop off.
Ted: Then I'll look like that fella from The Hangover.
Coach Beard: Bradley Cooper?
Ted: You're too good to me.

S02E11 - Midnight Train to Royston (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: You know, we used to believe that trees competed with each other for light. Suzanne Simard's field work challenged that perception, and we now realize that the forest is a socialist community. Trees work in harmony to share the sunlight.
Nathan: Can't you just give me a straight answer for once?
Roy: I think he just did.

Coach Beard: Your eyebrows aren't crazy.
Roy: Thank you.
Coach Beard: They're psychotic.
Roy: I appreciate that.

S02E10 - No Weddings and a Funeral (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: I don't think I've ever been in a properly... Anglican house of worship before, and... it makes me miss you, and I just wish you were here.
Jane: Me too. I love funerals. Is it an open casket?
Coach Beard: God, I hope so.

S02E09 - Beard After Hours (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: We can talk and drink as long as we talk about anything but the game and drink.
Jeremy: Have you ever been to Vegas?
Baz: What's Ted like behind closed doors?
Paul: How do you cope knowing the universe is infinite but your consciousness can end in a second?
Coach Beard: I've been to Vegas many times. One night is good, two nights is perfect, three is too many. Ted is a man. Just a man. And as for the fragility of life, I'm so glad someone finally asked. Because, yeah, I got a few thoughts.
(after many beers have been quaffed)
Coach Beard: And so, in conclusion, if this is all indeed a simulation, which everything in my experience suggests that it is, then all we can do is tip our caps to the rascal pulling the strings.

Coach Beard: Do we know each other?
Sarah Coombes: I don't think we do, sir. May I see your membership card?
Coach Beard: University of Barcelona, class of 2004?
Sarah Coombes: I went to Warwick, 2007.
Coach Beard: Oh, sorry, you looked older.
Sarah Coombes: Are you a member here?
Coach Beard: Here? No. God, no. Never.
Sarah Coombes: Well, if you're not a member, I'm afraid you can't come in. This is Bones & Honey.
Coach Beard: You are very rude. What is your name?
Sarah Coombes: My name is Sarah Coombes. What is your name?
Coach Beard: None of my business.
(phone rings)
Sarah Coombes: Bones & Honey, may I help you?
(Beard leaves and goes back outside)
Baz: (on the phone) Hello, uh, this is the fire brigade. Uh, it's very important that we get in touch with, uh...
Coach Beard: (whispers) Sarah Coombes.
Baz: Sarah Coombes. Oh, that's you. Oh, well, I'm very sorry, madam, but your flat is on fire. Y-You need to come down here immediately.

Coach Beard: Evening, gents. I see you've met my proteges. I'm Professor Declan Patrick Aloysius MacManus. At your service. I assure you, the pleasure is mine. But, I must tell you, these lads here were the best of the best at Oxford itself. And now, we're just having a wee liquid reunion, aren't we?

Red: I'm sure you know that your trousers are ripped.
Coach Beard: They're designed that way. To make it easier for people to kiss my ass.
Red: Be careful. We have decency laws in England. You'll get arrested.
Coach Beard: I wasn't aware the laws were so restrictive here.
Red: Oh, yeah. We're a repressed nation. One exposed arse can bring down the monarchy itself.
Coach Beard: How dare you speak of Prince Andrew that way.
Red: I could fix those for you. I live over there.
Coach Beard: In that pointy building?

S02E06 - The Signal (Coach Beard Quotes)

Ted: Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts.
Coach Beard: (yelling fanatically) Let's go!
Ted: How's Mrs. Beard doing, by the way?
Coach Beard: Full-blown QAnon.
Ted: Yep.

Coach Beard: No horseradish?
Ted: I thought you were allergic?
Coach Beard: To horses and radishes.
Ted: I'm sorry.

Coach Beard: I was just thinking about you.
Jane: What were you thinking?
Coach Beard: That if you ever left me again I would throw myself off a cliff.
Jane: And I'd lay down at the bottom so you could land on me.
Coach Beard: (breathy) Jane Pain.

S02E05 - Rainbow (Coach Beard Quotes)

Dr. Sharon: My door is always open.
Ted: Then why even have one? Heck, Coach Beard could take that thing out for ya Jack Torrance style with eight good whacks.
Coach Beard: Five good whacks. Lumberjack World Championship qualifier, baby!

S02E04 - Carol of the Bells (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: Jane and I are going to a pagan Christmas ritual at Stonehenge.
Keeley: What? I thought you two broke up.
Coach Beard: We did, but we got the tickets before we broke up. So, we're going as friends. That's gonna be...

S02E03 - Do the Right-est Thing (Coach Beard Quotes)

Ted: Okay, fellas. Got a big game this weekend. What are we looking at, Coach?
Coach Beard: Very physical.
Ted: Okay. All right. Anything else?
Coach Beard: Borderline violent.

Coach Beard: Jane and I took a big step forward in our relationship this weekend. We are now sharing an iCloud account. They call it digital intimacy.
Higgins: So if she found out that you downloaded a dating app...
Coach Beard: She would destroy my phone with pliers and a blowtorch. Yes.

S02E02 - Lavender (Coach Beard Quotes)

Nathan: We don't want calm athletes. We want killer athletes.
Coach Beard: Even after they shower?

Nathan: Did you sleep here?
Coach Beard: "Perchance to dream here."

Ted: How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer?
Coach Beard: Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession?
Ted: Metaphor, huh?
Coach Beard: Bingo, Ringo.

Coach Beard: I guess Sam doesn't like Jimmy Buffett.
Nathan: Who's Jimmy Buffett?
Coach Beard: Really?

Coach Beard: Pro, he's a great player. Con, he's a poop in the punch bowl.

S02E01 - Goodbye Earl (Coach Beard Quotes)

Ted: Back home, if a team was playing poorly, we don't call 'em unlucky. What do we call 'em, Coach?
Coach Beard: New York Jets.

Coach Beard: I think we already know what it is, don't we, Coach?
Ted: What you talking about, Willis?
Coach Beard: (holds up a clipboard with "The Yips" written on it)
Ted: Hey, you're not supposed to say that out loud.
Coach Beard: Which is why I wrote it down.

Ted: We don't say the Y-word out loud, you understand? It's like saying Macbeth in a theater, or Voldemort at Hogwarts, or...
Coach Beard: Soccer in England.

Ted: Hey, Coach, can I get real a second? Forget my meal a second?
Coach Beard: Put down your beer and tell your buddy how you feel a second?

Ted: I'm all for whatever it takes to help Dani get back to being a hundred. But this whole idea of bringing in someone from the outside to help us get him there, I don't know, it just kinda puts a little knot in my belly. I'm not sure why.
Coach Beard: Sounds like it might be your favorite Gin Blossoms song.
Ted: "Follow You Down"?
Coach Beard: No, "Hey Jealousy."
Ted: No, "Hey Jealousy" is their best song. My favorite song of theirs is "Follow You Down." You don't know that story?
Coach Beard: Uuhhhh...

Coach Beard: Do you remember what you said when I got dumped by that cruise ship dancer and swore I would never date another dancer again?
Ted: "Can I have your tap shoes?"
Coach Beard: "All people are different people."
Ted: I said that? That's pretty good.
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: You went out with another dancer though?
Coach beard: Many. Too many.

Ted: Hey, they got a whole bunch of new emojis on here. You see this?
Coach Beard: Do you remember when they added Groucho but no Harpo? It's bullshit.

S01E10 - The Hope that Kills You (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: It got confusing, 'cause they don't call it jock itch here.
Ted: So you didn't know what spray to buy?
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: Yeah. What'd you go with?
Coach Beard: Mr. Muscle?

Ted: Okay, so if the Premier League is the best, then what's the league called right below it?
Coach Beard: The Championship.
Ted: Now, hold on one second. So if you come in last place in the Premier League, you get to play in the Championship?
Coach Beard: They also invented irony.

Ted: Well, hello, Nelson. Let me introduce you to another Nelson right here. I think you two will hit it off just fine, 'cause you're both so damn pessimistic!
Coach Beard: I believe the gentleman is suggesting that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.

Announcer: Here comes Lasso's assistant coach to review their tactics. What chess moves do they have in store?
Coach Beard: When the vinegar was next to the Heineken, they weren't offside. It's not when the vinegar catches the ball, it's when ketchup passes the ball.
Ted: Yes, I understand now.

S01E09 - All Apologies (Coach Beard Quotes)

Ted: Hi, guys. What's up?
Coach Beard: Please have a seat.
Ted: Okay. I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy or tell me that you're dating each other. Either one's cool with me. 'Cause your suggestion is ally.
Coach Beard: We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.
Ted: I see. Okay.
Coach Beard: It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.
Nathan: He's showing his age, and he's made significant mistakes in each of the last five matches. We just haven't been bitten in the ass by them yet.
Coach Beard: But yesterday our butts had teeth marks. Deep ones. The kind you usually have to pay for.

Nathan: You paid someone to bite you?
Coach Beard: No, of course not.
Nathan: Oh, sorry. I...
Coach Beard: Been paid.

Ted: Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver. Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.
Coach Beard: I was always more of a Taber guy.

Ted: Hey. Who put a firecracker up your butt and lit it?
Coach Beard: You did! And I'm sick of it. Look, I understood this mission when we were in Kansas. But those were kids and these are professionals and winning does matter to them. And it matters to me. And that's okay. Ain't that right, Mae?
Mae: A-fu#king-men it is.
Coach Beard: How do you not get it? Losing has repercussions. We lose, we get relegated. We get relegated, this is over and we will have built nothing. And if you wanna pick a player's feelings over a coach's duty to make a point... I don't wanna drink with someone that selfish.
(Beard walks away, but is stopped by his ex-girlfriend Jane who is playing chess with another man)
Jane: That was the sexiest fu&king thing I've ever seen in my life.
Coach Beard: Get your things. (to Jane's chess partner) She's been toying with you. (moves a chess piece) Checkmate, mate.

Roy: My six-year-old niece found my girlfriend's vibrator. So I had to take her to get her ears pierced in an attempt to erase the memory.
Coach Beard: Been there.

S01E08 - The Diamond Dogs (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: Something on your mind, Coach?
Ted: No, why?
Coach Beard: We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick, and that's a record by about five hours.

S01E07 - Make Rebecca Great Again (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: Still haven't told him John and George are dead?
Ted: They're what?
Beard: It was Keith Richards.

Ted: Room 5150. Finally. Sammy Hagar, greatest lead singer in Van Halen history... In the post-David Lee Roth era.
Coach Beard: Thank you.
Ted: Coach, what room you got?
Coach Beard: 5148.
Ted: Hey.
Both: Howdy, neighbor.

Coach Beard: (singing karaoke) Caught in a bad romance. Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah Roma-roma-ma. Gaga, ooh-la-la. Want your bad romance.

S01E06 - Two Aces (Coach Beard Quotes)

Ted: Word become a sound? What's that called again?
Coach Beard: Semantic satiation.

S01E05 - Tan Lines (Coach Beard Quotes)

(Ted runs to meet his family)
Nathan: That is a lot longer run than he thinks, though.
Coach Beard: Metaphor.

(After winning the match)
Crowd: Wanker! Wanker!
Ted: Well, same word, ain't it?
Coach Beard: Yeah, but different.
Ted: Yeah, kinda like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right?
Coach Beard: Who was president back then?
Ted: Ronald Reagan.
Coach Beard: "Ronald Reagan? The actor?"
Ted: Oh, man. I love it when you do Doc Brown. You walked me right into that.

S01E04 - For the Children (Coach Beard Quotes)

Ted: Easy, easy, easy now! Coach, tell these boys what the first rule of my fight club is.
Coach Beard: No fight club!

S01E02 - Biscuits (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: Remember what you said to me our first day coaching at Wichita State?
Ted: Lose the ponytail?
Coach Beard: Relax. They're just kids.

Ted: Hey, look at Isaac. He looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats.
Coach Beard: Boots. They call cleats "boots."
Ted: I thought you said that the trunk of a car was a boot.
Coach Beard: Also a boot.
Ted: Hold on now. If I were to get fired from my job where I'm puttin' cleats in the trunk of my car...
Coach Beard: You got the boot from puttin' boots in the boot.

Ted: Okay, I got one. What if I joined forces with a swashbuckling cat to play tiny guitars for women of the night as we read Alex Haley's most seminal work?
Coach Beard: You'd be in cahoots with Puss in Boots, playing lutes for prostitutes, reading Roots.
Ted: No, The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I gotcha.

S01E01 - Pilot (Coach Beard Quotes)

Coach Beard: You know how they came up with soccer? So, these Victorian-era headmasters, all they wanted to do was get the boys to stop masturbating. So they invented a sport where the boys wouldn't use their hands at all, and they thought that might do the trick. I'm not sure if it worked, but...