Coach Beard Quotes - Ted Lasso
Coach Beard quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"
Coach Beard: Those ropes are not garbage. Some of it's dirty on purpose.
Coach Beard: Jane had a surprise for me.
Ted: Oh, that's nice.
Coach Beard: My passport. Which she shredded so that I wouldn't be able to leave the country.
Ted: Good thing you got dual citizenship, huh?
Coach beard: Triple. Vatican City is a country, baby.
Ted: Coach, is this nuts? Us leaving like this? I mean, we almost won the whole frigging thing, you know? Saying goodbye to a bunch of nice folks. A-And I know I've finally accepted that air conditioning is a privilege and not a right. (sighs) I don't know. What do you think?
Coach Beard: I can't do this. (inhales deeply) I don't wanna go, Ted. I'm in love with Jane. I wanna stay, and I don't wanna let you down. But with your permission, I'd love to run off this plane and into her arms.
Ted: Well, I mean, what about your luggage?
Coach Beard: Forget my luggage. It's full of rice.
Coach Beard: I love you, Ted.
Ted: I love you too, Willis.
Coach Beard: (screams)
Ted: Oh, boy.
Coach Beard: (screams) My appendix!
Ted: The other side, Coach.
Coach Beard: Thank you. (screams)
Ted: What about you, Coach? You all right if Nate comes...
Coach Beard: If you bring that Judas back, I will burn this place to the f?cking ground.
Coach Beard: (muttering) Trying to follow the yellow brick road, where the dogs of society keep on howling.
Coach Beard: Hey, Coach, I don't want Jamie to play hurt. (taps his watch) But we gotta make a decision here.
Roy: Personally, I'm fine with him playing hurt. I played hurt all the time.
Coach Beard: You can't walk up stairs.
Coach Beard: All right, buddy. I will see you at karaoke. I will of course sign us up for "Islands in the Stream." But I'm calling dibs on Dolly.
Coach Beard: Ted and I met playing college football. He was the backup punter. I was the backup kicker. We never got in a game, but we spent a lot of time together, jogging and doing box jumps. After school, we went our separate ways. And he was dating Michelle, got into coaching. And I got into prison. When I got paroled... I had no money, family didn't want me. I had nowhere to go. So I looked up Ted. He took me in, fed me. Let me crash on his couch. And in return, I stole his car. Now, I didn't get far. And I would've gone straight back to prison if Ted didn't come down there and convince those cops that he gave me the car.
Nathan: Just like in Les Mis.
Coach Beard: Our story is very similar to Les Mis, yes.
Nathan: You went to prison?
Coach Beard: Yes. For stealing a loaf of meth. And then I stole from my friend. Who forgave me. (sighs) And gave me a job. And a life. So to honor that, I forgive you. I offer you a job. And the life part's up to you.
Coach Beard: Tonight, me and Jane have reserved an axe-throwing lane at Hatchet and Rye. You fellas care to join the festivities?
Ted: Hmm. That sounds equal parts fun and dangerous. What are y'all celebrating?
Coach Beard: Karma's speedy delivery of a shit sandwich to the Wonder Turd. Here, Jane made targets. (photo of Nathan on a target)
Ted: Hmm. Don't you feel it's bad karma to celebrate someone else's bad karma?
Coach Beard: No. You in?
Ted: How many axes you got now?
Coach Beard: Seventeen. But they're not all for throwing. Right.
Ted: But they're all here in the UK?
Coach Beard: Oh, yeah. Couldn't imagine being in a different country than my axes.
Coach Beard:I haven't seen 22 dudes have this good a time on grass since I saw the Grateful Dead jamming with the Black Crowes and Phish.
Ted: Ooh. I bet that was a tight show.
Coach Beard: Oh, it was a mess. But they had fun.
Coach Beard: "Stairway to Heaven" is a glorified fingering exercise, and you all know it!
Ted: I'll take face-to-face time over FaceTime anytime.
Coach Beard: You know what this song's about?
Henry: Someone named Jude.
Coach Beard: Not just someone. A little boy named Jude. And one day his mom and dad decided to break up. Hmm, you know, get divorced. And that made Jude real, real sad. Now, Jude's dad had a best friend, and that best friend was real worried about Jude and all his sad feelings. So he wrote him this song, hoping that, well, the words might help him somewhere down the road.
Henry: The long and winding road?
Coach Beard: Hey, Henry. You have a great mom and dad, and they love you tons, even though it's weird they live in different countries. And I know right now it feels like you're in a sad song. But you, young man, you have the power to take a sad song and make it better.
Henry: Oh, I like that. Yeah, me too. But you know what the best thing about this song is?
Henry: What? (busker hits high note)
Coach Beard: This! (busker singing chorus) (all sing along)
Coach Beard: At the 1974 World Cup, the tiny country of the Netherlands came out of nowhere and made it all the way to the World Cup Final, playing the home team, heavily favored Germany. Those Dutch hippies scored before the Germans even touched the ball.
Jan Maas: Yeah, but Holland lost that game.
Coach Beard: Correct. But along the way, they won the hearts of fans all around the world with a style of play... dare I say, a philosophy... called Total Football. Which, coincidentally, Coach dreamed up in a barbecue-sauce-related hallucination just last week.
Ted: No, it's true. But hey, it's not about me. Go on, keep shining.
Coach Beard: The best player on that team and the godfather of Total Football was this guy. Can anyone tell me who this is?
Isaac: That's Tim Robinson from I Think You Should Leave.
Coach Beard: No. It is Dutch football legend, Johan Cruyff.
Jan Maas: It's pronounced Cruijff.
Coach Beard: My apologies. With Total Football, Johan Cruijff...
Jan Maas: That's it.
Coach Beard: ...took his small club Ajax to three straight European titles. Now, he later became a coach, first at Ajax, and then he took Total Football to Barcelona, where he won the Spanish championship four years in a row. Now a central cog of that team was an industrious but brilliant midfielder named Josep Guardiola. AKA Pep.
Ted: Look at that head of hair. God had to take it away just to balance things out, you know?
Roy: Hmm.
Coach Beard: Pep became a coach as well, honing his own version of Total Football that he took to Barcelona and Bayern Munich, eventually landing at our great white whale, Manchester City. (players boo) Where he briefly coached a very talented young player... until that beautiful dum-dum quit to go do a reality show. (players laugh)
Jamie: I was robbed!
Coach Beard: Total Football is about constant movement. Players are no longer in set positions. Defenders are free to attack. Attackers are trusted to defend. It's about taking risks and supporting each other's choices.
Sam: Like when your friend wears something new and outside his comfort zone, and instead of ignoring it, everybody pays him a compliment. (players murmuring in agreement)
Colin: By the way, great hat, Ash.
Roy: It's pretty sweet. Hmm.
Ted: Yeah, it frames his face nicely.
Coach Beard: Exactly. Total Football is about letting go of your baggage and trusting your intuition. It's jazz. It's Motown. It's Mamet. It's Pinter. It's Einstein. It's Keurig. It's Gaga! It's my mother proudly displaying her vibrator on the bedside table! It's about throwing off the constraints put upon you by society and by yourselves! We all know football is life. But a beautiful life... is Total Football.
Coach Beard: So now I'm starting to get all these subtle, little hints from Jane. Like, certain magazines left on the coffee table and always hearing about her friends who are doing it.
Ted: Well, marriage is a big commitment, you know?
Coach Beard: No, I'm talking about pegging.
Ted: Oh. Well, still. (chuckles) Wait, what magazines?
Coach Beard: Think only you can get these guys out of their pineapple percussions.
Ted: Doldrums. Nice.
Coach Beard: My man, Kenneth the bus driver, hooked me up a couple of weeks ago.
Ted: Wait, so you travel with it? I thought they had plenty of that stuff here.
Coach Beard: Well, I just don't like my medicine to be taxed.
Ted: You know, I've always been more of a beer man or, uh, Sour Patch Kids.
Coach Beard: Sour Patch Kids don't form literal new pathways in your brain. Picture a sheet of fresh, white snow covering all the footsteps of all the paths that you've trod before, forcing you... Nay, encouraging you... to begin anew.
Ted: Wait, let me guess, Piggy Stardust.
Coach Beard: Rashers to rashers, oink to oinky.
Ted: I love it.
(both imitate explosion)
Coach Beard: Man City. (scoffs) I can't believe our white whale has the same name as the strip club where I danced in college.
Ted: Any news?
Coach Beard: Nobody knows where he is.
Roy: That f?cking prick's not answering his phone.
Coach Beard: Neither is his agent, his manager, his publicist, his trainer, his acupuncturist, his acupressurist, his fecalist, his avocado whisperer, not even his barber.
Ted: Hmm. Maybe he's dead.
Roy: F?cking better be.
Coach Beard: The only modicum of comfort is knowing that in all the innumerable parallel universes, there is not one where we win that game.
Coach Beard: So, the one thing we cannot do against West Ham is the False Nine.
Roy: 'Cause that's Nate's shit.
Coach Beard: Exactly. So, we decided to go with our classic 4-4-2.
Roy: Which is exactly what that prick expects us to do.
Coach Beard: So, we do the opposite. Five up front. Full-on attack. But Nate knows we're gonna do that, because Nate knows that we're trying to outthink him by thinking like him.
Roy: Well, f*ck Nate, f*ck thinking and f*ck f*cking Socrates.
Coach Beard: So, we gotta stop thinking like Nate and start thinking like Nate would think we would think if Nate were thinking like us, and then do the last thing that Nate thinking like us thinking like Nate thinking like us would ever expect us to do... Have Zava drop back and play Nate's False Nine.
Roy: Voi-f*cking-la.
Higgins: Brilliant.
Coach Beard: Pain is like carbon monoxide. Expressing it to the person who hurt you is like opening a vent, but holding it in will poison you.
Ted: Please tell Jane I said hello.
Coach Beard: I would, but, uh, she still finds our relationship threatening.
Ivor: Back in 1859, an engineer called Joseph Bazalgette and his team built more than 1,200 miles of interconnected tunnels and sewers. And its creation helped cure a massive cholera outbreak after untreated human waste found its way into the River Thames. Anyone know what that epidemic was called?
Coach Beard: Great Stink of 1858.
Ivor: That's correct.
Jamie: All right? Is Roy here?
Coach Beard: I don't hear any grunting.
Coach Beard: Just need a second. It's Jane.
Ted: How's all that going?
Coach Beard: We broke up. (Checks his phone) We're back on.
Coach Beard: You keep trying to hold all this in, I'm afraid your mustache is gonna pop off.
Ted: Then I'll look like that fella from The Hangover.
Coach Beard: Bradley Cooper?
Ted: You're too good to me.
Coach Beard: You know, we used to believe that trees competed with each other for light. Suzanne Simard's field work challenged that perception, and we now realize that the forest is a socialist community. Trees work in harmony to share the sunlight.
Nathan: Can't you just give me a straight answer for once?
Roy: I think he just did.
Coach Beard: Your eyebrows aren't crazy.
Roy: Thank you.
Coach Beard: They're psychotic.
Roy: I appreciate that.
Coach Beard: I don't think I've ever been in a properly... Anglican house of worship before, and... it makes me miss you, and I just wish you were here.
Jane: Me too. I love funerals. Is it an open casket?
Coach Beard: God, I hope so.
Coach Beard: We can talk and drink as long as we talk about anything but the game and drink.
Jeremy: Have you ever been to Vegas?
Baz: What's Ted like behind closed doors?
Paul: How do you cope knowing the universe is infinite but your consciousness can end in a second?
Coach Beard: I've been to Vegas many times. One night is good, two nights is perfect, three is too many. Ted is a man. Just a man. And as for the fragility of life, I'm so glad someone finally asked. Because, yeah, I got a few thoughts.
(after many beers have been quaffed)
Coach Beard: And so, in conclusion, if this is all indeed a simulation, which everything in my experience suggests that it is, then all we can do is tip our caps to the rascal pulling the strings.
Coach Beard: Do we know each other?
Sarah Coombes: I don't think we do, sir. May I see your membership card?
Coach Beard: University of Barcelona, class of 2004?
Sarah Coombes: I went to Warwick, 2007.
Coach Beard: Oh, sorry, you looked older.
Sarah Coombes: Are you a member here?
Coach Beard: Here? No. God, no. Never.
Sarah Coombes: Well, if you're not a member, I'm afraid you can't come in. This is Bones & Honey.
Coach Beard: You are very rude. What is your name?
Sarah Coombes: My name is Sarah Coombes. What is your name?
Coach Beard: None of my business.
(phone rings)
Sarah Coombes: Bones & Honey, may I help you?
(Beard leaves and goes back outside)
Baz: (on the phone) Hello, uh, this is the fire brigade. Uh, it's very important that we get in touch with, uh...
Coach Beard: (whispers) Sarah Coombes.
Baz: Sarah Coombes. Oh, that's you. Oh, well, I'm very sorry, madam, but your flat is on fire. Y-You need to come down here immediately.
Coach Beard: Evening, gents. I see you've met my proteges. I'm Professor Declan Patrick Aloysius MacManus. At your service. I assure you, the pleasure is mine. But, I must tell you, these lads here were the best of the best at Oxford itself. And now, we're just having a wee liquid reunion, aren't we?
Red: I'm sure you know that your trousers are ripped.
Coach Beard: They're designed that way. To make it easier for people to kiss my ass.
Red: Be careful. We have decency laws in England. You'll get arrested.
Coach Beard: I wasn't aware the laws were so restrictive here.
Red: Oh, yeah. We're a repressed nation. One exposed arse can bring down the monarchy itself.
Coach Beard: How dare you speak of Prince Andrew that way.
Red: I could fix those for you. I live over there.
Coach Beard: In that pointy building?
Ted: Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts.
Coach Beard: (yelling fanatically) Let's go!
Ted: How's Mrs. Beard doing, by the way?
Coach Beard: Full-blown QAnon.
Ted: Yep.
Coach Beard: No horseradish?
Ted: I thought you were allergic?
Coach Beard: To horses and radishes.
Ted: I'm sorry.
Coach Beard: I was just thinking about you.
Jane: What were you thinking?
Coach Beard: That if you ever left me again I would throw myself off a cliff.
Jane: And I'd lay down at the bottom so you could land on me.
Coach Beard: (breathy) Jane Pain.
Dr. Sharon: My door is always open.
Ted: Then why even have one? Heck, Coach Beard could take that thing out for ya Jack Torrance style with eight good whacks.
Coach Beard: Five good whacks. Lumberjack World Championship qualifier, baby!
Coach Beard: Jane and I are going to a pagan Christmas ritual at Stonehenge.
Keeley: What? I thought you two broke up.
Coach Beard: We did, but we got the tickets before we broke up. So, we're going as friends. That's gonna be...
Ted: Okay, fellas. Got a big game this weekend. What are we looking at, Coach?
Coach Beard: Very physical.
Ted: Okay. All right. Anything else?
Coach Beard: Borderline violent.
Coach Beard: Jane and I took a big step forward in our relationship this weekend. We are now sharing an iCloud account. They call it digital intimacy.
Higgins: So if she found out that you downloaded a dating app...
Coach Beard: She would destroy my phone with pliers and a blowtorch. Yes.
Nathan: We don't want calm athletes. We want killer athletes.
Coach Beard: Even after they shower?
Nathan: Did you sleep here?
Coach Beard: "Perchance to dream here."
Ted: How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer?
Coach Beard: Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession?
Ted: Metaphor, huh?
Coach Beard: Bingo, Ringo.
Coach Beard: I guess Sam doesn't like Jimmy Buffett.
Nathan: Who's Jimmy Buffett?
Coach Beard: Really?
Coach Beard: Pro, he's a great player. Con, he's a poop in the punch bowl.
Ted: Back home, if a team was playing poorly, we don't call 'em unlucky. What do we call 'em, Coach?
Coach Beard: New York Jets.
Coach Beard: I think we already know what it is, don't we, Coach?
Ted: What you talking about, Willis?
Coach Beard: (holds up a clipboard with "The Yips" written on it)
Ted: Hey, you're not supposed to say that out loud.
Coach Beard: Which is why I wrote it down.
Ted: We don't say the Y-word out loud, you understand? It's like saying Macbeth in a theater, or Voldemort at Hogwarts, or...
Coach Beard: Soccer in England.
Ted: Hey, Coach, can I get real a second? Forget my meal a second?
Coach Beard: Put down your beer and tell your buddy how you feel a second?
Ted: I'm all for whatever it takes to help Dani get back to being a hundred. But this whole idea of bringing in someone from the outside to help us get him there, I don't know, it just kinda puts a little knot in my belly. I'm not sure why.
Coach Beard: Sounds like it might be your favorite Gin Blossoms song.
Ted: "Follow You Down"?
Coach Beard: No, "Hey Jealousy."
Ted: No, "Hey Jealousy" is their best song. My favorite song of theirs is "Follow You Down." You don't know that story?
Coach Beard: Uuhhhh...
Coach Beard: Do you remember what you said when I got dumped by that cruise ship dancer and swore I would never date another dancer again?
Ted: "Can I have your tap shoes?"
Coach Beard: "All people are different people."
Ted: I said that? That's pretty good.
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: You went out with another dancer though?
Coach beard: Many. Too many.
Ted: Hey, they got a whole bunch of new emojis on here. You see this?
Coach Beard: Do you remember when they added Groucho but no Harpo? It's bullshit.
Coach Beard: It got confusing, 'cause they don't call it jock itch here.
Ted: So you didn't know what spray to buy?
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: Yeah. What'd you go with?
Coach Beard: Mr. Muscle?
Ted: Okay, so if the Premier League is the best, then what's the league called right below it?
Coach Beard: The Championship.
Ted: Now, hold on one second. So if you come in last place in the Premier League, you get to play in the Championship?
Coach Beard: They also invented irony.
Ted: Well, hello, Nelson. Let me introduce you to another Nelson right here. I think you two will hit it off just fine, 'cause you're both so damn pessimistic!
Coach Beard: I believe the gentleman is suggesting that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.
Announcer: Here comes Lasso's assistant coach to review their tactics. What chess moves do they have in store?
Coach Beard: When the vinegar was next to the Heineken, they weren't offside. It's not when the vinegar catches the ball, it's when ketchup passes the ball.
Ted: Yes, I understand now.
Ted: Hi, guys. What's up?
Coach Beard: Please have a seat.
Ted: Okay. I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy or tell me that you're dating each other. Either one's cool with me. 'Cause your suggestion is ally.
Coach Beard: We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.
Ted: I see. Okay.
Coach Beard: It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.
Nathan: He's showing his age, and he's made significant mistakes in each of the last five matches. We just haven't been bitten in the ass by them yet.
Coach Beard: But yesterday our butts had teeth marks. Deep ones. The kind you usually have to pay for.
Nathan: You paid someone to bite you?
Coach Beard: No, of course not.
Nathan: Oh, sorry. I...
Coach Beard: Been paid.
Ted: Coach, you are a natural-born caregiver. Like Chief from Cuckoo's Nest.
Coach Beard: I was always more of a Taber guy.
Ted: Hey. Who put a firecracker up your butt and lit it?
Coach Beard: You did! And I'm sick of it. Look, I understood this mission when we were in Kansas. But those were kids and these are professionals and winning does matter to them. And it matters to me. And that's okay. Ain't that right, Mae?
Mae: A-fu#king-men it is.
Coach Beard: How do you not get it? Losing has repercussions. We lose, we get relegated. We get relegated, this is over and we will have built nothing. And if you wanna pick a player's feelings over a coach's duty to make a point... I don't wanna drink with someone that selfish.
(Beard walks away, but is stopped by his ex-girlfriend Jane who is playing chess with another man)
Jane: That was the sexiest fu&king thing I've ever seen in my life.
Coach Beard: Get your things. (to Jane's chess partner) She's been toying with you. (moves a chess piece) Checkmate, mate.
Roy: My six-year-old niece found my girlfriend's vibrator. So I had to take her to get her ears pierced in an attempt to erase the memory.
Coach Beard: Been there.
Coach Beard: Something on your mind, Coach?
Ted: No, why?
Coach Beard: We just had a five-hour bus ride where you didn't talk a lick, and that's a record by about five hours.
Coach Beard: Still haven't told him John and George are dead?
Ted: They're what?
Beard: It was Keith Richards.
Ted: Room 5150. Finally. Sammy Hagar, greatest lead singer in Van Halen history... In the post-David Lee Roth era.
Coach Beard: Thank you.
Ted: Coach, what room you got?
Coach Beard: 5148.
Ted: Hey.
Both: Howdy, neighbor.
Coach Beard: (singing karaoke) Caught in a bad romance. Ra-ra-ah-ah-ah Roma-roma-ma. Gaga, ooh-la-la. Want your bad romance.
Ted: Word become a sound? What's that called again?
Coach Beard: Semantic satiation.
(Ted runs to meet his family)
Nathan: That is a lot longer run than he thinks, though.
Coach Beard: Metaphor.
(After winning the match)
Crowd: Wanker! Wanker!
Ted: Well, same word, ain't it?
Coach Beard: Yeah, but different.
Ted: Yeah, kinda like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right?
Coach Beard: Who was president back then?
Ted: Ronald Reagan.
Coach Beard: "Ronald Reagan? The actor?"
Ted: Oh, man. I love it when you do Doc Brown. You walked me right into that.
Ted: Easy, easy, easy now! Coach, tell these boys what the first rule of my fight club is.
Coach Beard: No fight club!
Coach Beard: Remember what you said to me our first day coaching at Wichita State?
Ted: Lose the ponytail?
Coach Beard: Relax. They're just kids.
Ted: Hey, look at Isaac. He looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats.
Coach Beard: Boots. They call cleats "boots."
Ted: I thought you said that the trunk of a car was a boot.
Coach Beard: Also a boot.
Ted: Hold on now. If I were to get fired from my job where I'm puttin' cleats in the trunk of my car...
Coach Beard: You got the boot from puttin' boots in the boot.
Ted: Okay, I got one. What if I joined forces with a swashbuckling cat to play tiny guitars for women of the night as we read Alex Haley's most seminal work?
Coach Beard: You'd be in cahoots with Puss in Boots, playing lutes for prostitutes, reading Roots.
Ted: No, The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I gotcha.
Coach Beard: You know how they came up with soccer? So, these Victorian-era headmasters, all they wanted to do was get the boys to stop masturbating. So they invented a sport where the boys wouldn't use their hands at all, and they thought that might do the trick. I'm not sure if it worked, but...
