Higgins - Ted Lasso

Higgins Quotes - Ted Lasso

Higgins quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"


S03E12 - So Long, Farewell (Higgins Quotes)

Keeley: Maybe we can get some of those fancy seats. The ones with the heaters like they have at Tottenham.
Higgins: Ooh, they're amazing... in February. You see, I accidentally turned mine on last summer and nearly melted my bottom crack together.

S03E11 - Mom City (Higgins Quotes)

Keeley: Richmond should have a classic old song for our fans to sing. '
Higgins: Oh, we did. Uh, when Freddie Mercury briefly owned the team in 1980, he tried to make "Fat Bottomed Girls" the team anthem. Didn't work out.
Keeley: Did a bunch of people get offended?
Higgins: Just the flat-bottomed girls really.

S03E10 - International Break (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: I am the director of Football Operations. And a bunch of us DFOs have a little jazz jam band we call "The Directors of Beboperations."

Rebecca: I don't want to be part of the Akufo League.
Higgins: Oh, why? Because he's an emotionally erratic billionaire with the temperament of one of those kids in Willy Wonka that gets murdered at the chocolate factory?
Rebecca: I don't think that's what happens, Leslie.
Higgins: I hate to break it to you, Rebecca, but those children are dead.

Higgins: If any of the other people start disappearing one by one due to a series of unfortunate accidents seemingly caused by their own hubris, you get the hell out of there. Do you hear me?

S03E08 - We'll Never Have Paris (Higgins Quotes)

Trent: Ted. You can't worry about something that hasn't happened yet.
Higgins: Ooh, what he said. If anything, you should find out before you flip out.

S03E06 - Sunflowers (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: Here we are. (sighs) His name was Chet Baker. American, gifted trumpeter, unique singer and a h?r?in addict. He was tortured by demons, but they didn't stop him from making beautiful music. He's what got me into jazz in the first place, you know.
Will: Oh.
Higgins: You hear his story and you think, "There's nothing more punk rock than that." (inhales deeply) Then, on the 13th of May, 1988, he passed away on this very spot.
Will: Oh, wow. H-How was it he died?
Higgins: Uh, he fell from, uh, that window up there. But was it an accident? Did he jump, or was he pushed?
Will: And we're gonna solve that mystery tonight?
Higgins: No, no. We're just here to pay our respects to a legend. What led to his death? We don't know, Will. Mmm. We only know this... dr?g are bad.
Will: Yes. No, they are.

Higgins: Let's get lost now! (starts to play the upright bass)

S03E05 - Signs (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: The thing is, the club is going in the wrong direction, and I fear that it has little to do with the quality of our players. Therefore, if we don't do well against City, we may have to consider... Think about thinking about possibly, maybe focusing on theoretically, as it were, changing the manager of our club.
Rebecca: You want to fire Ted?
Higgins: At what point during any of that did it seem like something I wanted to do?

Higgins: My Aunt Devorah has a touch of the shine, a little bit of the inner eye. And she predicted that Julie and I would have five children, all boys. And look at us now. Just a house full of soaking wet toilet seats.

S03E04 - Big Week (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: Oh, it's like that old riddle.
Rebecca: What riddle?
Higgins: You know, always a tricky one, this one. A father and son are in a car wreck. Dad dies instantly, the son is rushed to an emergency room. A surgeon walks in and says, "I can't operate on this boy. He's my son." How is it possible?
Keeley: Because she's a woman.
Rebecca: She's gay.
Barbara: Sperm donor.
Shandy: He lives in a simulation?
Higgins: Right. Yeah, I guess that's a bit dated now.

S03E03 - 4-5-1 (Higgins Quotes)

Rebecca: Leslie! We do have a signed contract, don't we?
Higgins: Of course. We have an e-signature. That's legally binding... I think... I'll make a call.

Higgins: So, I just talked to legal about Zava's contract. Uh, an e-signature is legally binding. Tiny wrinkle, instead of signing his name, he signed "You're welcome."

Higgins: There are more VIPs here than London Fashion Week. I assume. I don't know.

S03E02 - (I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: I have an update on the meeting with Zava.
Rebecca: Oh, great.
Higgins: Zava doesn't want to meet with us.
Rebecca: What? Why not?
Higgins: Uh, his people said, "It would be a waste of time for us and an embarrassment for him."

Higgins: A friend of my wife knows an agent whose masseuse moonlights as an airline steward on private jets. Now... she wasn't working today, but her coworker who can read lips, he saw Zava mouth the word "Chelsea" a lot.
Keeley: God, I wish I could read lips.

S02E12 - Inverting the Pyramid of Success (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: Whenever I see him in a hallway, I just give him a cool nod. You know, like this.
Keeley: Oh, sh1t. That was cool.
Higgins: I know, right? I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie, and I thought, "I'm taking that."

Higgins: (holding two small dogs) This is Mascot Idol: Semifinals. One of these two contestants will be our new mascot. Will it be Macy Greyhound or Tina Feyhound?

Higgins: A good mentor hopes you will move on. A great mentor knows you will.
Keeley: I like that.
Higgins: Yeah? Just made it up.

Ted: Did you get kicked out of your office again?
Higgins: No, no. Temporary relocation while they change the carpet in there. It was absolutely covered in dog sh1t.
Ted: Oh, yeah. No, been there, done that.

Higgins: In year five, I was not allowed in the class photo because I developed a rare smile allergy. (looks awkward)

S02E11 - Midnight Train to Royston (Higgins Quotes)

Edwin Akufo: (to Sam) I figure we could maybe go to a museum, have something to eat.
Sam: Sure.
Edwin Akufo: Wonderful. After you.
Sam: Okay.
Edwin Akufo: It's lovely to meet you all. Bye.
(They leave)
Higgins: So strange. I once wrote a play about a billionaire who took a footballer to a museum and then dinner.
Rebecca: What happens in the play?
Higgins: Well, they get their meal for free because they found a little bit of glass in the pasta.

Ted: I just came up to invite Doctor Sharon to Colin's birthday party tomorrow night.
Higgins: Colin's birthday is August the 21st.
Ted: I love that you know that.
Higgins: Yeah, I know everybody's birthday.
Ted: Really? Liam Neeson.
Higgins: June 7th.
Ted: Tina Turner.
Higgins: November 26th.
Ted: Chuck Norris, Sharon Stone, and Osama Bin Laden.
Higgins: All March the 10th.
Ted: You are good.

S02E08 - Man City (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: (working in the cleaning closet) I'm just in here until my office exists. It's really no problem. If I spill anything, I'm next to everything I need to clean up.
Jamie: This is very, very sad.

S02E06 - The Signal (Higgins Quotes)

Ted: You back into floating office mode, huh?
Higgins: Yeah. But it's no bother. I'm a flaneur by nature.
Ted: I get that, yeah. Hey, Coach, what's a flaneur?
Coach Beard: A wanderer.

Higgins: (to Coach Beard) Look, let me ask you one question. You're a great man. Does Jane make you greater?
Coach Beard: (Cringes)
Higgins: Okay, look, I apologize. (moves to shake hands)
(Coach Beard pushes his hand away, then hugs him)
Higgins: Okay, okay. That...
Coach Beard: I hear you. I get it. We will never speak of this again.

S02E05 - Rainbow (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: We have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham. Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not, so I haven't replied to them yet.

Rebecca: Did you just see what was on my screen?
Higgins: Oh, no, no, no, no. (sighs) I have five boys. I never look over anyone's shoulders to see what's on their screens. I used to.

Rebecca: So your ringtone for your wife is "She's a Rainbow" by the Rolling Stones? That's awfully affectionate.
Higgins: Yeah, well, it's our song. It was playing the moment we met. And, uh, it's not an exaggeration. She really is my rainbow.

Rebecca: It is so odd to imagine you young.
Higgins: Yeah, I get that a lot. I was the only kid in primary school with sciatica. I had a gelatinous L4 and five.

Higgins: The night I met my wife, I was attempting to be a brooding punk with hair spiked out to here. (raises hand high over his head) And then, uh, "She's a Rainbow" came on and I started playing upright air bass but I had a pint in my hand and ended up pouring beer all over my head. Oh! Everyone in the bar laughed, except one person who handed me a damp, disgusting bar towel. And I've been married to her for 29 years.

S02E04 - Carol of the Bells (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: To my lovely wife, Julie, my sons... To you and all your families back in Lagos, Guadalajara, Groningen, Cordon, Montreal, Benin City, Harare, Kingston... and Santa Cruz de la Sierra.

S02E02 - Lavender (Higgins Quotes)

Ted: Hey, Higgins. Did you hire Dr. Sharon without running it by me first?
Higgins: Yes. I thought it couldn't hurt. But I should've asked you first, Ted. You're absolutely right.
Ted: No, I'm dead wrong. I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations. You gotta be able to make your own decisions. Still, you should've texted me first.
Higgins: That's 100% true.
Ted: No, 1,000% false! I mean, you're a busy man! Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best! Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first. Okay?
Higgins: No, I will not.
Ted: Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.

S02E01 - Goodbye Earl (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: We just received a giant food delivery from our rivals over at Brentford F.C.
Keeley: That's nice. What kind of food?
Higgins: Thai... Oh, now I get it.

Higgins: I should go. I promised the boys we'd watch Empire Strikes Back tonight, and I have to get my thoughts together for when they ask about Luke and Leia making out.

S01E10 - The Hope that Kills You (Higgins Quotes)

Rebecca: Thank you, Leslie.
Ted: Leslie? Is that your first name?
Higgins: It was my mother's name. I'm what's known as a feminine junior.

S01E09 - All Apologies (Higgins Quotes)

Rebecca: There are a lot of surprises happening here. Like that tiny little beard.
Higgins: It's called a Van Dyke after the 17th century Flemish painter.
Rebecca: Oh. Right.
Higgins: And I think it makes me look how I feel. Chill.
Rebecca: How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it?
Higgins: She hates it with a white-hot intensity.

S01E06 - Two Aces (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: This is my cat's collar. She was a faithful companion for 20 years. Gonna miss you, Cindy Clawford.

S01E04 - For the Children (Higgins Quotes)

Higgins: Hey, Ted. Uh, do you think Rebecca knows what the real Adele looks like?

S01E03 - Trent Crimm: The Independent (Higgins Quotes)

Rebecca: There's no way she can trace that photo back to me, can she?
Higgins: Yes.
Rebecca: What do you mean "yes"? Did you not use an alias or a burner phone?
Higgins: I'm not a spy, Rebecca. I'm just the director of football operations.