Jamie Tartt Quotes - Ted Lasso
Jamie Tartt quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"
Jamie: There's something so sad about a suitcase. Do you know what I mean? It's like... It's like a drawer without a home.
Jamie: (laying in his mother's arms as she stroked his hair) It was just poopy. You know, it really upset me. This guy on Twitter, he kept saying that it was blonde, but I'm like, "It's f?cking walnut mist, mate."
Jamie: It's your original England kit from the 2014 World Cup. Your name's on the back there. Uh, I got 'em to change the E to a U.
Roy: I love it.
Phoebe: Oh. Yeah. You owe me a pound, Jamie.
Jamie: But I didn't say nothing.
Phoebe: N-No, but you made me think it, and that's basically the same thing.
Jamie: Yeah, fair play.
Colin: Hey, hey, Jamie? Jamie? Can I get some Lynx?
Jamie: Yeah, sure, mate. What's your pit flavor? I've got Epic Fresh, Sport Recharge, Java, Africa, Ice Chill, Gold, Excite, Black, Dark Temptation and Leather and Cookies.
Colin: Leather and Cookies, please.
Jamie: Smart choice for a smart boy.
Jamie: I ain't doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong.
Players: Whoa!
Jamie: I mean... I mean... No, I mean, I think we're all doing it wrong. (stammers) If we want this to work, you gotta stop going to me and start playing through me. You get me?
Jamie: They put a dam on the river Amstel. "Amsteldam." Amsterdam.It's good, innit?
Roy: Come on. f?cking stop for a f?cking second! Please. God. How do you know so much about here?
Jamie: I've been to Amsterdam twice. When I was 14, me dad was trying to get back with me mum, and he was acting like some kind of f?ck?ng super dad or some sh?t, and he brought me out here for some father-son bonding time. Anyway, he said it was to watch a football match. After the game, he took me to the red-light district for my real present. He, uh... He took me to lose my virginity to those ladies behind the windows.
Roy: Jesus. Must have been traumatizing.
Jamie: No. She loved it.
Jamie: Tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.?
Roy: Damn f?cking right.
Roy: What the f?ck you doing?
Jamie: I was gonna hug you.
Roy: Well, you came at me too fast.
Jamie: Jesus, sorry. I forget how skittish elderly people could be 'cause of the war.
Jamie: Can I just say something first?
Roy: Yeah, okay. That's a good idea 'cause when I'm done, you won't have any teeth left, and you'll need them for the talking bit.
Jamie: Right. Yeah, okay. So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral, I told Keeley that I still loved her. It was wrong, and I shouldn't have done it, but I ain't used to being around dead people. It just... It did something to me, emotionally, you know? But I still... I shouldn't have done it, and it was wrong, but I just need you to know that I respect you, and I respect Keeley, and I respect your relationship, and I will never ever do anything like that ever again.
Roy: F*ck!
Jamie: (to Keeley) Listen, Keeley. I know that you're with Roy and that you're happy, but today's made me realize that I'd hate myself if I didn't say... I didn't just come back to Richmond to get away from my dad. I also came back 'cause of you. I finally think that I'm becoming the best version of myself, the kind of man that you always knew that I could be. And I know that this is a mad, shitty thing to do, but... I love you, Keeley.
Higgins: Fathers and sons. So tricky. They should really write songs about it.
Jamie: Think they do.
Higgins: Yeah, I know. I was just...
Jamie: Anyway... You... Are you close with your dad?
Higgins: Ups and downs, like everyone. It's complicated.
Jamie: Mine's not complicated. He's just a dick. Every situation, he does exactly what a dick would do. Not much you can do with that. Know what I mean?
Jamie: James Tartt. His mates are Denbo Cullens and Bug.
Higgins: "Bug"?
Jamie: Just Bug. One G. Like the animal. It's his legal name. Changed it.
Higgins: Because he's small like a bug?
Jamie: No, 'cause he eats bugs for money.
Jamie: Will, do you think you could take me name off me shirt and then put it back on but bigger?
Roy: Jamie, what the f*ck were you doing? Richard loses his man, gets into the box, and you run the other way?
Jamie: I was pulling my defender out of his path.
Roy: He's your teammate. He needs you to come to the ball and support him. You all got that?
Jamie: Respectfully, Coach, that ain't what he needs from me. He needs me to give him space.
Roy: What'd you say?
Jamie: The best thing I can do in that situation is give him space.
Jan Maas: He's right, actually.
Jamie: Yeah, I know. I learned it from Pep.
Jan Maas: He got it from "Cruijff".
Jamie: Pronounced "Cruyff."
Jan Maas: Okay, Englishman.
Jamie: Look, whatever. The point is that Richard doesn't need me to crowd him. And since he's me teammate, I should trust him to do what's best, right?
Roy: F*ck! (walks off mad)
Jamie: I didn't say nothing bad this time!
Jamie: Barnett, here's what's gonna happen, yeah. You're gonna foul me, and I'm gonna score all the way from back here.
Barnett: Piss off, Tartt.
Keeley: Did you not buy a Secret Santa gift?
Jamie: I didn't know I had to. The email said "Secret Santa." I didn't wanna ruin the surprise, did I?
Jamie: I know I wasn't the greatest teammate. I did some shitty things. I said some shitty things. But I want each and every one of you to know that I'm truly sorry and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it up to ya. Yeah?
Colin: You called me a jaundiced worm.
Jamie: Right, yeah. And I'm sorry about that, Colin.
Colin: In a profile for my hometown paper.
Bumbercatch: You hit on my mum. In front of my dad.
Jamie: I apologize for that, Bumbercatch. Please tell your father I'm sorry. And give Janet me best, yeah?
Jamie: I had this dope idea last night during me eyebrow threading. I'm gonna buy the whole team PS5s. They'll fu$king love me.
Ted: Yeah, but, you know, some folks might also consider that buying affection, you know.
Jamie: Exactly. Yeah, what better thing to spend money on than love? Hey?
Host: The audience at home has voted. Danthony, Jamie. One of you will go home tonight. The other will continue his lustful journey.
Jamie: Better call your nan, mate. Tell her to put the kettle on.
Phillip: We are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.
Jamie: Easy, Phillip. I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.
Holly: Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy? Are you gonna wait for her?
Jamie: Nah, no. I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean? Find the fittest girl there, have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya. Strategy.
Jamie: The second that I found out that George Harrison had died, I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin. Start taking chances. Living life to the fullest.
Holly: But George Harrison died 20 years ago.
Jamie: Yeah, but I only just found out.
Phillip: So what's next for Jamie Tartt?
Jamie: Don't know. Back to Man City. If Pep will have me, that is.
Holly: It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip. You might find this quite interesting.
(cut to clip)
Reporter: Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City?
Vinai Ahuja: Yes, Jamie. You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other. But no, he won't be coming back to Man City. We wish him luck.
Jamie: What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fu%king Tartt.
Manager: You're too much of a liability. You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City. Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise by having Jacuzzi sex. No one wants you.
Jamie: What about a team in Spain or Germany?
Manager: (picks up the phone) Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt? No. Okay, thank you. See?
Jamie: You weren't even speaking Spanish.
Jamie: You gotta help me, man.
Manager: Jamie, you know you're like a son to me. Now you're like a dead son, which means I love you even more.
Jamie Tartt: Well, I'd never say a bad word about me old club... even though I did carry them through every match. But they're good lads. Apart from Roy Kent. He is a knob. You know, and it's nice to have a real manager like Pep, instead of that American rodeo clown. You know, Lasso sent me away, now they're facing the drop. Sunday, I get to put the final nail in the ashes. Instant karma, it's gonna get ya.
Jamie Tartt: I'm good. I had ten touches, I had two completed dribbles, and in the 89th minute they let me take a free kick. I scored. Got half a chub.
Jamie: I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner. The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt. (Photographers take pictures) Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats. Get that one. (rolls up his sleeve) It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm."
Sam: Jamie. Jamie. Sorry, I didn't put that cross where you wanted it.
Jamie: Ah. Forget it, mate. Hey, would it be too forward if I gave you some advice that might help improve your game a bit?
Sam: No. Please, anything.
Jamie: What you need to do is get yourself a time machine, and go back to the moment when your mom was about to fu$k a sad little man with no athletic talent. Pull her off him, fly her to Argentina, and drop her onto Maradona's c0ck. Hope that helps, mate.
