Keeley Quotes - Ted Lasso
Keeley quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"
Keeley: Hey, Jamie. Look at me. You've got a lot going on right now.
Jamie: Mm-hmm.
Keeley: There's a lot going on, yeah. This is the first time you've played back home since you left.
Jamie: (exhales heavily) Ooh.
Keeley: The crowd's gonna hate you. And the person who's gonna be booing the loudest in the crowd is your dad.
Jamie: I didn't think of that.
Keeley: Yeah. And I know a lot of people are shit-talking your hair online.
Jamie: They're what?
Keeley: (stammers) No! ...Think about it. If you guys win tomorrow, then you will be on the precipice of achieving everything that you've ever dreamed of.
Jamie: Oh, my God. (passes out)
(Later)
Roy: How'd it go with Jamie?
Keeley: Yeah, I f?ck?d it.
Keeley: What is it called when you have the opposite of the Midas touch?
Mae: The Midas shits.
Keeley: That's it. That's what I have. Everything I touch turns to shit.
Mae: Shit helps things grow, love.
Keeley: The one time I've been on a horse was for a photo shoot years ago. Horse was so dr?g up that it could've been the guitarist in the s?x Pistols.
Keeley: Well, I'm taking Jack out tonight. And if she tries to pay, then I will give her...
Rebecca: You'll give her what?
Keeley: Just the tip? (both chuckle)
Keeley: Tonight is the best aurora borealis ever. Like, it's the aurora "boreal-iest." In Norway. And Jack and her plane are waiting for me at the airport right now.
Keeley: What? You actually dated a birthday clown?
Jack: For three wacky weeks.
Keeley: Did you ever have s?x with the clown? Like, with the nose and everything?
Jack: Of course I did. (laughs) It was in his car, actually. All crammed in there with, like, 30 of his clown friends.
Keeley: We spent all evening picking up, like, 50 kilos of lamb ka-poops. It's the most fun I've had in months.
Rebecca: She seems fun.
Keeley: She's my CFO. The company that financed me placed her here. But she's my CFO, yet sometimes my CFO...
Rebecca: Chief Financial Officer.
Keeley: Oh, my. I did not know that. I've been saying "corporate flying object"
Keeley: (on the phone) It definitely sounds both helpful and compassionate. But I don't think that you moderating a session between Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist is the best move right now. All his attention is on Brentford. Thank you very much. (Hangs up the phone) F*ck you, Piers Morgan.
Keeley: You helped this panda become a lion.
Rebecca: (sobbing) I'm so proud of you.
Keeley: How did you get actual printed tickets?
Roy: From my travel agent, Kathy. She's old-school.
Keeley: Roy, are you sure they still take paper tickets at airports? Like, is the plane gonna have propellers? Oh, my God. Am I gonna be able to smoke on the flight?
Nathan: God, this place is so posh. Feel like I'm not supposed to be here.
Keeley: This place is for rich twats who piss away all their money on an outfit they only wear once. But, Nate, today you are one of those twats.
Keeley: I found this company, and they bury you in a biodegradable sack. So when your body decomposes, it fertilizes the seeds of a fruit tree. That's what I want. Because then you and all the people that love me can eat the fruit from my tree.
Roy: That is f*cking mental.
Keeley: Coming from the guy that wants me to ruin a bus driver's life just 'cause he killed you swerving to avoid a child.
Roy: I didn't know about the f*cking child.
Keeley: I just like the idea that my death can nourish people.
Roy: With fruit made from your rotting corpse? I wouldn't eat that.
Keeley: But you'll eat a kebab that you find a hair in?
Roy: It's fine if you know who the hair is from. That's part of the deal. He's a lovely bloke.
Sassy: So, Stinky. Who are you secretly shagging?
Rebecca: What?
Keeley: Let's skip the part where you pretend you're not, yeah?
Rebecca: What are you even talking about?
Keeley: How about the bullshit text after the date, the fact I have not seen you outside of work for two weeks, and that even though today is your father's funeral, you are glowing like a girl that just got properly plowed.
Keeley: If you're gonna be here, you need to go sit quietly on the couch and read your book, yeah?
Roy: (growls and moves away to read his book)
Keeley: That's not helping me either.
Roy: What? I'm doing exactly what you said. I'm sitting quietly and reading my book.
Keeley: You doing exactly what I tell you to do is so f*cking hot.
Keeley: Do you reckon you'd be up for driving us back from lunch?
Ted: Sure, I'll give it a shot.
Keeley: I've got some creative work I wanna do this afternoon and I kinda wanna be a little buzzed for it.
Ted: Seems like a great idea all around.
Ted: Keeley, you got any advice for this young, half-dressed fella (referring to Jamie) on how to get through to Roy?
Keeley: I agree.
Ted: That's a confusing way to answer that question. Am I wrong?
Keeley: No, I mean, I agree with Roy. Just agree with everything that he throws at you. Really takes the anger wind out of his brat sails.
Keeley: You guys talking about Beard and Jane? She's quite the jealous type, right? She once followed me all the way home just to ask if Beard was shagging Ted.
Rebecca: Is that a joke from Sex and The City?
Keeley: No, but thank you. I love that you're so excited. That's so Bantr, a place where minds can come to undress. That's really good. I'm gonna use that.
Rebecca: I have a secret: I make myself big. Before I go into the room, I find somewhere private, I stand up on my tiptoes, put my arms in the air and make myself as big as possible to feel my own power. Like this... (clears throat) (inhales deeply) (growls) (more growls then silence)
Keeley: F*ck, you're amazing. Let's invade France.
Keeley: Roy and I are celebrating a new tradition that I'm calling "Sexy Christmas." It's not gonna be like that. It's gonna be a swinging... a swinging Sinatra, Vegas-y type Christmas for adults where we get all dressed up, and we sip on martinis, sit by the fire... and then it's gonna be like that.
Roy: I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation 'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fu#king beast in defense. Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner. Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.
Keeley: I don't know what does it for me more, you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist."
Rebecca: Is it tacky to say I'm rich on an online dating profile?
Keeley: Only if you put the word "filthy" in front of it.
Roy: (on the phone) What if everyone thinks I'm shit?
Keeley: Since when do you care what people think? You're Roy fu%king Kent.
Producer: (interrupting) Ready for Mr. Kent.
Roy: I gotta go. Thank you.
Keeley: Kill 'em. Roy-o!
Rebecca: Did you write a statement for Ted?
Keeley: Yeah, I did. But then he said, "Now, don't you fret, Boba Fett." He's got it covered.
Keeley: I have a confession to make. I've never really cared about football. I know. I know it sounds insane, but I know how to act at a match. (yelling) "Referee! Offside, you turnip!"
Ted: Hey, did those marketing folks from Tom Ford ever get back to you?
Keeley: Yeah, they did. They said they're gonna stick with the models they already have.
Ted: Aw, nuts.
Keeley: I know. But they did say that if they ever do an everyman campaign or something satirical, your name's on their list.
Rebecca: Imagine doing something unforgivable to someone who doesn't deserve it and then having to look them in the eye and tell them what you've done.
Keeley: I don't have to imagine. I've done it. Year Eight, I took a shit in Joanna Wellington's locker. I apologized, I was uninvited to her birthday party, and then we patched it up a week later. Just fu$king tell him.
Rebecca: Sorry, why did you do a shit in her locker?
Keeley: I don't know. I was 13. What? Teenage girls are, like, mysterious and dark and dangerous.
Keeley: I do kind of think kids are pretty incredible. I mean, she's got new teeth that push out her old teeth. The body is a miracle.
Roy: Roy Kent has been the best player on every team he's been on since he was a kid. I like being Roy Kent. I don't know if I can handle just being some loser has-been called Roy. "All right, Roy?" Yeah. "What you been up to?" Fu*k all.
Keeley: God. I think men who feel sorry for themselves are so sexy.
Roy: Stop it.
Keeley: No, seriously. I do. And if you start telling me how hard it is playing a game for a living, I think I might come.
Keeley: In my experience, I've always found that endorsements work best if you really believe in the product. So, I can find good opportunities for you guys if you let me know what you're into.
Colin: I love Air Jordans. I'd fu$k a pair of Jordans.
Keeley: All right. So, athletic wear then, yeah?
Sam: I'm into issue-oriented products. You know, pro-environment or anti-pollution. That kind of thing. Oh, and also Air Jordans. But I don't want to sleep with them.
Keeley: Isaac, what about you?
Issac: Rolos.
Keeley: So, sweets and chocolate then?
Issac: No. Just Rolos, yeah? And none of that Sour Patch bullshit either, yeah?
Keeley: I just want to say up front that I'm really flattered you asked me to come this weekend.
Rebecca: Oh. Come on now.
Keeley: But, hey, we're both single. I think you are super hot. If I'm gonna dip my toe back into the lady pool, I can't think of a finer body of water to do it with than you.
Keeley on Hotel TV: Liverpool has much to offer when it comes to nightlife. From pubs and clubs, to the great Asian pastime of karaoke!
Keeley: I don't even remember doing this.
Keeley: There you are. Fu*king hell. I thought you guys ditched me. Jesus, I didn't know that I had abandonment issues till right now.
Keeley: Jamie, thank you. Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge fu$king mistake. But you have really helped me to feel good about this decision, just by... being you.
Jamie: You're welcome.
Rebecca: (referring to Jamie) No judgment, but are you back with that twat?
Keeley: No. We're done. (Pause) God, I love that you care though. I'll kiss you on the mouth if I can reach those lips.
Rebecca: What is it you do again?
Keeley: I'm sort of famous for being almost famous.
Keeley: In anything else, I hate olives. I think the little, like, orange clitoris thing is really freaky.
Keeley: Do you wanna go get, like, really drunk?
Rebecca: Yes, I do.
Keeley: Then we can go rob a bank or something.
Keeley: When this shit hits, Jamie is going to go mental. There's going to be photographers all over us.
Ted: Right, right.
Keeley: The next picture of me will not be this perfect. I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like... Guess what the headline will be.
Ted: Gesundheit?
Keeley: "Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart."
Ted: Did you just come up with that?
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: Everyone would read that.
Keeley: Of course they would. You have no idea the power of rhyming in this goddamn country.
Keeley: That Rebecca is an intimidating, very tall woman. I mean, the minute she locked eyes with me, I started sweating.
Ted: Oh, no. She got some fences, all right, but you just gotta hop over 'em.
Ted: I wanted to ask you about Jamie.
Keeley: Yeah.
Ted: What would you say motivates him?
Keeley: Bl0w j0bs.
Ted: Is there a second option?
Keeley: You're trending hard on Twitter right now.
Ted: How 'bout that.
Keeley: Do you even tweet?
Ted: Nah. But I do beatbox all right. (beat boxes a line)
Keeley: I never know how to react when a grown man beatboxes in front of me.
Keeley: If you get curious and you start searching around on Twitter, I would avoid #Richmond, or wanker. Or dick.
Ted: Well, I'll take your word for it.
