Nathan - Ted Lasso

Nathan Quotes - Ted Lasso

Nathan quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"

S03E11 - Mom City (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: Don't think the cleaners actually cleaned the floor.
Jade: There are no cleaners.
Nathan: So, why do we put the chairs on the tables?
Jade: The patriarchy.

Isaac: Can I have 75 kebabs to go?
Nathan: Uh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, of course. Um, chicken, pork or lamb? (pauses) Or 25 of each?
Isaac: (snaps fingers) Nate the Great.

S03E09 - La Locker Room Aux Folles (Nathan Quotes)

Rupert: Knock 'em dead, killer.
Nathan: Well, I hope their kit man remembered to bring 11 body bags. (chuckles)

S03E08 - We'll Never Have Paris (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: I guess it's just us for the very first meeting of the... Drumroll, please. Love Hounds. (howls, chuckles) (stammers) I thought that we... we men could, uh, get together whenever we needed, every now and then, and just talk and help each other out with how things are going on in our personal lives.
Roger: Okay. Well, I'd love to talk about the stresses of taking care of my aging parents.
Nathan: (stammers) Yeah, I'll start. Um, so I... I've started seeing this girl, and it's going real well. I really like her. She's great. Um, but she's hesitant to label our relationship, and I don't know whether to give her space or whether to let her know just how strongly I feel about us being together. (breathes deeply) Disco, would you, uh... Do you got any thoughts or...
Disco: I've been divorced three times. (sighs) Never let them know how you feel. It's very expensive.
Roger: Okay. I re... I read this book that said, "If you like a woman, you should insult her."
Nathan: Okay, this meeting's over, and it'll probably never happen again.

S03E07 - The Strings That Bind Us (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: Siri.
Siri: Yes, Wunderkind?
Nathan: How can you tell if a girl likes you or is just being nice to you?
Siri: You can't.

Nathan: Would you like to go on a date with me?
Jade: Yes.
Nathan: Good. Good.

S03E05 - Signs (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: Hello, Jade. um... Shelley. Uh, reservation for two. Thank you.
Jade: And you, miss? How can I help you?
Nathan: (stammers) Oh, no, she, uh... We, uh... This is Anastasia. Uh, she is a very famous model, uh, and we are on a date. Togeth... Together. Two. For two.
Anastasia: Hello. (to Jade) You have very cute head.
Jade: Thank you. I got it from my father.

Anastasia: Can we please leave? I mean, the food is yummy, but it's just so dumpy and sad.
Nathan: Okay, look, I know it might not exactly be cool, but this place is important to me. This is where my family celebrated our birthdays, anniversaries. It's where we came after I got promoted as assistant coach at Richmond. (inhales deeply) Every important event in our lives has been spent here. And, to me, that makes this place even better than cool. (chuckles) Hmm. Oh, what am I thinking? We should get the saganaki!
Anastasia: Oh, I'm going to make a call. My friend has the flu. And I have to check on her.
Nathan: No, that's... No, that's very nice. That's kind. (Anastasia begins to gather her belongings) Do you need all that stuff to go make a call?

Jade: (mocking Nathan) After all, our baklava is divine.
Nathan: Yeah, I don't... Um... For some reason, whenever I'm trying to impress someone, I end up sounding like my gran.

S03E04 - Big Week (Nathan Quotes)

Manager: Look who's here. No f*cking way! Do you know who this is?
Hostess: Mmm. Jason Jelly.
Manager: That's right.
Nathan: No, "Nathan Shelley."

Manager: This man's money is no good here. Never charge. Except for booze. Gotta charge for booze.
Nathan: I didn't order any booze.

S03E01 - Smells Like Mean Spirit (Nathan Quotes)

Co-worker: There he is. The Wonder Kid himself.
Nathan: Get out.
Co-worker: (leaves)

Nathan: You. Come over here. Come over here. Come and stand on this line for me. This... This, over here. Yeah. This is a very important line. Everyone, this is the dumb-dumb line. This is where dumb-dumbs go. Stay. You, go in for the dumb-dumb. Try not to join him on the line. Go.

Rupert: What's lovely are these delightful preseason prognostications. Yeah. Aren't they delish? Especially poor, old Richmond. Can you believe they're picked to finish 20th?
Nathan: Well, yeah, because there's no 21st.

Reporter: How are you and the lads getting on?
Nathan: Yeah, really great. Um... Getting to know them. Getting to know all about them. Getting to like them... Getting to hope... Excuse me a second.

Reporter: Coach Shelley, you are now the manager of a contending Premier League team, but just two years ago, you were a mere kit man, washing another team's underwear. I mean, it must all feel a bit overwhelming for you, yes?
Nathan: Not for me, no. Because I earned this job. What's overwhelming is the confusion I feel when someone so intelligent-looking asks such a stupid question.

S02E12 - Inverting the Pyramid of Success (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: Roy, when Keeley and I went shopping the other day, I kissed her.
Roy: Yeah. She told me about it. It's okay.
Nathan: I kissed her. I kissed your girlfriend.
Roy: We're good.
Nathan: All Jamie did was talk to her, and you wanted to kill him. Don't you at least wanna headbutt me or something?
Roy: You made a mistake, Nate. Don't worry about it.
Nathan: No, no, I deserve to be headbutted.
Coach Beard: I'd be happy to headbutt you, Nate.

Ted: Hey, Nate. Hey. Everything okay?
Nathan: Yes, Ted. Everything is okay.
Ted: What is it? What'd I do?
Nathan: What are you talking about?
Ted: Oh, come on, man. You're mad as hell at me. I just wanna know why. Huh? What have I got to learn here?
Nathan: You wanna know what you did?
Ted: Yeah, please.
Nathan: Okay. I'll tell you what you did. You made me feel like I was the most important person in the whole world. And then, you abandoned me. Like you switched out a light, just like that. And I worked my ass off, trying to get your attention back. To prove myself to you. To make you like me again. But the more I did, the less you cared. It was like I was f*cking invisible. You haven't even got the photo I gave you for Christmas up in your office. Just a picture of dumb Americans. Now you're gonna play Nate's false nine, so when the team f*ck up, which they will, hey, you can blame it on me. Well, no. f*ck that. (wiping his eyes) Everybody loves you. The Great Ted Lasso. Well, I think you're a f*cking joke. Without me, you wouldn't have won a single match. They would've shipped your ass back to Kansas, where you belong. With your son. 'Cause you sure as hell don't belong here... But I do. I belong here. This didn't just fall into my lap, all right? I earned this.
Ted: I know you did, Nate. And if I didn't tell you how important you were to me enough, I'm sorry about that.
Nathan: No, no. You know what? You're full of sh1t. Just f*ck you, Ted.

S02E11 - Midnight Train to Royston (Nathan Quotes)

Will: Hi. Got the suit Ted bought you back from the dry cleaners.
Nathan: Oh, it's my suit! The second Ted gave it to me, ownership transferred, and it became my suit, Will.

Nathan: I just wondered if you'd mind helping me pick out a fancy suit?
Keeley: Abso-fucking-lutely. Perfect timing, actually. I've gotta pick up some outfits for this photo shoot I'm doing. Come with.
Nathan: What, now?
Keeley: Now. Let's go kill two birds with one stone.
Nathan: All right, yeah. Let's go... murder some birds with a rock.

S02E10 - No Weddings and a Funeral (Nathan Quotes)

Ted: You know, growing up, I used to believe that if you did good things, you went to heaven. You did bad things, you went to hell. Nowadays, I know we all just do both. So wherever he is, I hope he's happy.
Higgins: I like to imagine a heaven where animals are in charge, and humans are the pets. I'd like to spend eternity curled up in front of a fire at Cindy Clawford's feet.
Nathan: I'd like to be reincarnated as a tiger... and then ravage anyone who looked at me wrong.

S02E08 - Man City (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: Hey, ref! Clean the sh1t out of your eyes, you dickless wonder.
Arlo: Oh, no. Never mess with Mike Dean.
Mike Dean: (gives Nathan a yellow card) Can't say that, mate. I'm sorry. There you go.
Ted: Sorry about that, Mike. We all know you have a penis.
Mike Dean: I've been called worse.

S02E07 - Headspace (Nathan Quotes)

Colin: Lucky us. We get to be trained by the Wonder Kid himself.
(The team laughs)
Nathan: (sour) Oh, very funny, Colin. You a stand-up comic now? Kind of ironic, 'cause I sat you down at the match the other day.

S02E06 - The Signal (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: I try to be outwardly supportive of all relationships due to my dad sabotaging one of my first loves. In year four, he sat me and my classmate, Nadia Shookums, down in the living room and said he thought we could both do better. Well, she listened to him.
Ted: Boy, that's a heaping spoonful of truth soup right there.

Nathan: Colin, Dani, Richard, you're coming off.
Colin: Me?
Nathan: Yes, you, Colin. Park the bus! Park the bus! No one up front. Do it.

Reporter: It seemed like a negative strategy to pull everyone into defense when you needed a goal.
Nathan: Yes, but I knew they needed a goal too. As long as I made sure they couldn't get through, at some point, human nature, someone would screw up and we could exploit that.
Reporter: Impressive by an assistant coach.
Nathan: Just did what had to be done. It's not like I'm some kind of "wonder kid."
Reporter: Some kind of what?
Nathan: "Wonder kid."
Reporter: I think you mean wunderkind.
Nathan: Yeah? Yeah. Can we fix that with editing, or...
Reporter: No, we're live.

S02E05 - Rainbow (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: This is my mom and dad's favorite restaurant and Friday's their 35th wedding anniversary, Jade.
Jade: How do you know my name?
Nathan: Oh, I don't. That's what the 35th wedding anniversary is... Jade.

Nathan: I would really like the window table, you know, just to impress my dad.
Jade: I'm sorry. I can't guarantee a reservation for the window table.
Nathan: I know Roy Kent, if that's...
Jade: Is he your dad?
Nathan: No.
Jade: Well, please let us know if Mr. Kent ever wants the window table.

Nathan: (referring to the free coffee makers) Oh, wow. Look at this.
Keeley: Sorry, Nate. They're actually just for the players.
Nathan: Oh. Oh, good. Oh, I hate free coffee anyway, always tastes so, um...

Nathan: Can you make me famous?
Keeley: No! Nate, you don't wanna be famous.
Nathan: I don't?
Keeley: No! There'll be photographers all up your bum, and tabloids going through your rubbish.
Nathan: I don't want that.
Keeley: Groupies everywhere?
Nathan: That's not horrible.

Keeley: Hello, sir. Can I help you?
Nathan: Uh, yes. Um, Nathan Shelley, party of three.
Keeley: Let's see, Mr. Shelby.
Nathan: Yes, Shelby. Sorry, I should have said Shelby.
Keeley: (imitates buzzer) No. That is not your name.
Nathan: It's pretty close.

Nathan: (in restaurant bathroom) You are Nathan f*cking Shelley. (spits on mirror)
(Leaves the bathroom)
Nathan: (to his parents) Be right back. Don't get too comfortable.
Nathan: (to the hostess) Jade, this is a special night for my parents, and the window table is open. So, here is what I would love to see happen. You're gonna give us that table, and then my family and I are gonna order a starter, main course, little dessert, a bottle of wine. And you are going to be stunned by how quickly a gaggle of Shelleys can get through a three-course meal and get out of here. So what do you say?
Jade: Okay.

S02E03 - Do the Right-est Thing (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: So, I downloaded Bantr last night.
Ted: Attaboy.
Coach Beard: Looking for a lady, hey?
Nathan: Oh, God, no. No, I deleted it immediately.

S02E01 - Goodbye Earl (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: You gotta stay on 'em. Pressure makes pearls, right? Wait, that's wrong. It's diamonds-- Shit! I messed it up.

Coach Beard: We got a situation, Coach.
Nathan: He's underselling. We have a Shakespearean fu$king tragedy.

Nathan: If Dani needs motivation, we could always just show him his goddamn paycheck.
Ted: I mean, that's a tad aggressive, you know. But hey, I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, so I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate.

S01E10 - The Hope that Kills You (Nathan Quotes)

Ted: Nathan Shelley, I present to you this whistle. But it is sad. Do you know why?
Nathan: No.
Ted: Because it has never been blown.
Nathan: Is that the same reason why Colin's sad?

Coach Beard: Quick question. Are those the only clothes you own?
Nathan: This? No, I got three of these.

S01E09 - All Apologies (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: (Walks in on Rebecca and Keeley in the equipment room) Sorry. Um, wow. I know women like shoes, but, girls, come on, this is silly. (laughs nervously) Sorry, that was really sexist. Um, I just wasn't expecting there to be anyone in here. Um, but you are in here, and that's great. Take as long as you need.

Nathan: I know now's not the best time, Coach, but I have been feeling physically sick since walking away from you the other day. Plus last night, I had a horrible nightmare that I was pecking you to death like a crow. I'm so sorry.
Ted: It's okay, Nate. We're all good in the hood, all right? But hey, but do me a favor. Try to apologize to me in your dream so we're good on that side of things too.

S01E08 - The Diamond Dogs (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: Ever since I was little, I always used to dream about sitting down with a bunch of mates talking about the complex dynamics between men and women.

S01E07 - Make Rebecca Great Again (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: So, just to remind you, the hotel furniture stays in the rooms, not the hallway or the pool. Nor are you allowed to ship it to your homes or other hotels, okay?

Ted: I'm just asking for your opinion. You understand that, yeah?
Nathan: Yeah.
Ted: And you got one, yes?
Nathan: Yeah.
Ted: Locked, loaded, ready to rip? Let me hear it.
Nathan: No.
Ted: Why not? What are you afraid's gonna happen if you tell me?
Nathan: That you won't like my idea and it makes you hate me. Then you fire me. Then I have to move back in with my parents and they'll be ashamed of me. Then everyone finds out back home and laughs at me until my face melts off. Excuse me. (leaves)
Coach Beard: Well, at least he didn't stammer.

Nathan: (To Isaac) I've noticed of late... that you've been playing like a big, dumb pussy.
Issac: What the fu$k did you say to me, bruv?
Nathan: You're more concerned about looking tough than actually being tough. There's a way to be intimidating without being physical. I hope you don't mind me saying.

Nathan: (to Sam) You're constantly getting beat on the wings. It's 'cause you're indecisive. You second-guess more than a shitty psychic. The only African I know more imprisoned by their own thoughts is goddamn Nelson Mandela.

Nathan: (to Colin) You and all your fancy step over bullshit. Let me ask you this. Do you wax your pubes?
Colin: What?
Nathan: Did I stutter, dickhead? Do you wax your pubes? Yes or no.
Colin: No.
Nathan: Then why are you always trying to play like a Brazilian?

Dani: Whoo! Roast me, amigo.
Nathan: All right. You say that football is life, right?
Dani: Football is life.
Nathan: Yeah, well, then your defense is death. The only person I've seen lose their man more often is Carrie fu*king Bradshaw.

Nathan: (to Roy) The great Roy Kent. You're old now. And slow. And your focus drifts. But your speed and your smarts were never what made you who you are. It's your anger. That's your superpower. That's what made you one of the best midfielders in the history of this league. But I haven't seen it on the pitch at all this season, Roy. I mean, you used to run like you were angry at the grass. You'd kick the ball like you'd caught it fu$king your wife, for Christ's sake. But that anger doesn't come out anymore when you play. But it's still in there. And I'm afraid of what it's gonna do to you if you just keep it all for yourself.
(Roy rips a bench off the wall)
Roy: Let's go get these fu$kers.
(Team cheers)
Ted: (To Nathan) See? Told you it'd be fun.

S01E05 - Tan Lines (Nathan Quotes)

Nathan: If you were worried about your relationship, then why did you fly 4,438 miles away?
Ted: That is a very specific number to know off the top of your head.
Nathan: Oh, well, uh, my dad used to be a cartographer. Used to say I was .001 miles tall.

S01E04 - For the Children (Nathan Quotes)

Keeley: Nate, that's a very nice suit. I think you look chic.
Nathan: Oh, thank you. It's actually only the second suit I've ever owned. The first one was my suit when I was a naked baby.
Keeley: (blank stare)
Nathan: Sorry, it's funny when Ted says it. I...
Ted: Well, the term "birthday suit" woulda helped you a ton there, yeah.

Nathan: I just wanted to say thanks for talking to Colin and Isaac.
Roy: Why is your face so close to mine?
Nathan: Well, my initial plan was to hug you, but I just chickened out just now.
Roy: Right.
(Nathan hugs Roy)
Roy: Okay, we're done.