Ted Lasso Quotes
All quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso". There are a lot of quotes here! Click each episode title bar for a synopsis and additional information about the epside.
Filters! Maybe you'd like to view quotes just from:
S02E12 - Inverting the Pyramid of Success (All Quotes)
George: Would Bill Shankly have a panic attack, eh? Would Brian Clough? Would Alex Ferguson have a panic attack? Be fair. No, of course he wouldn't. Look, if your ship's being attacked, right? And you run to the bridge, you want to find a captain whose brain works, not some big girl's blouse.
Jeff: I miss Roy.
Higgins: Whenever I see him in a hallway, I just give him a cool nod. You know, like this.
Keeley: Oh, sh1t. That was cool.
Higgins: I know, right? I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie, and I thought, "I'm taking that."
Ted: Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?
Keeley: So sorry about the article, Ted.
Ted: Oh, that's okay, Keeley. You know what they say. No such thing as bad publicity, right? Although, I think they might've been wrong about that one, which is a bummer 'cause they were spot on with the beer before liquor thing.
Rebecca: (eating a biscuit) Oh, God. These taste like sh1t.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Well, it was a rough night, and I am now absolutely positive that I switched the salt and sugar. I'm sorry about that.
Rebecca: No, no, no. (continues to taste the biscuit) No, it's interesting. She's a sneaky, salty bitch.
Ted: Like Heather Locklear on Melrose Place, right?
Higgins: Oh, yeah.
Keeley: That's exactly how you'd describe her.
Rebecca: (savouring the biscuit) Oh, Heather.
Jamie: Can I just say something first?
Roy: Yeah, okay. That's a good idea 'cause when I'm done, you won't have any teeth left, and you'll need them for the talking bit.
Jamie: Right. Yeah, okay. So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral, I told Keeley that I still loved her. It was wrong, and I shouldn't have done it, but I ain't used to being around dead people. It just... It did something to me, emotionally, you know? But I still... I shouldn't have done it, and it was wrong, but I just need you to know that I respect you, and I respect Keeley, and I respect your relationship, and I will never ever do anything like that ever again.
Keeley: (on the phone) It definitely sounds both helpful and compassionate. But I don't think that you moderating a session between Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist is the best move right now. All his attention is on Brentford. Thank you very much. (Hangs up the phone) F*ck you, Piers Morgan.
Ted: Hey, fellas. Before we get started here, I wanted to talk to y'all about the article you saw in the paper this morning. Actually, y'all probably saw it on your phones. I still get the paper, 'cause, well, you can't cut cartoons out of a phone, right?
Zoreaux: Yeah, but you can screenshot them and text them.
Isaac: That's copyright infringement, bruv.
Ted: I hear you, Zoreaux, but you can't hang a screenshot on a fridge either.
Dani: My refrigerator has a television.
Sam: I think I have the same one.
Ted: (to the team) Y'all found out about something from somewhere, when you should've found out about it from me first. But I chose not to tell y'all, and that was dumb. You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices in our lives every single day, ranging from, "Am I really about to eat something called Greek yogurt?" To, "Should I leave my family and take a job halfway around the world?" Me choosing not to be forthright with y'all, that was a bad choice. But I can't be wasting time wishing for a do-over on all that. 'Cause that ain't how choices work. No, sir. No. That choice, and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow my sophomore year 'cause she spilled ketchup all over herself, and it looked like she'd been shot, those are two things I ain't getting back. 'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas. And I didn't give myself the chance to build further trust with y'all. To quote the great UCLA college basketball coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf, "It is our choices, gentlemen, what show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Now, I hope y'all can forgive me for what I've done. 'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want any of y'all to hold anything back with me.
Isaac: Nah, we got you, Coach.
Colin: No problem, gaffer. And when we sniff out the rat, permission to take socks full of soap to their stomach and chest?
Isaac: We're gonna find 'em and f*ck 'em up!
Ted: No, fellas, look. I'm gonna nip that talk in the butt right now.
Coach Beard: It's "bud" not "butt," Coach.
Ted: It is? 'Cause of flowers, right?
Coach Beard: Horticulture, baby!
Roy: We're opening the champagne.
Keeley: What? No, I thought we were saving that for something really, really special.
Roy: Well, we didn't open it when your mum moved back up north. We didn't open it when England got zero points in the Eurovision. And we didn't open it when the neighbor ran over their own snake.
Keeley: That was nasty.
Roy: So we are drinking it tonight. Duck. (pops the cork)
Roy: They better not have used any pictures of me smiling.
Keeley: Like that exists...
(Keeley opens the article on her iPad)
Keeley: Oh, no. They didn't use any of the pictures with you in them. I'm so sorry, Roy. That is not cool. I'm gonna reach out and change that.
Roy: Don't you dare. Don't you change a f*cking thing. You look powerful. You're f*cking gorgeous. You look like a BILF.
Keeley: Oh, yeah? Go on, show me, then.
Coach Beard: You keep trying to hold all this in, I'm afraid your mustache is gonna pop off.
Ted: Then I'll look like that fella from The Hangover.
Coach Beard: Bradley Cooper?
Ted: You're too good to me.
Ted: Did you get kicked out of your office again?
Higgins: No, no. Temporary relocation while they change the carpet in there. It was absolutely covered in dog sh1t.
Ted: Oh, yeah. No, been there, done that.
Ted: Roy, are you saying you wanna become a Diamond Dog?
Roy: F*ck no. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind being in the room whilst it f*cking happens.
Ted: Yeah. Okay. Well, how about a one-time visitor's pass for our junkyard dog here, yeah?
(all bark together)
Ted: Diamond Dogs, mount up!
Roy: (about Keeley) The thing is... she looked so f*cking great. On her own. Without me. So natural. I... It would've actually been f*cking weird if I was in the pictures. And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral, Jamie f*cking Tartt tells her he's f*cking in love with her.
Coach Beard: And he's still alive?
Roy: Yeah. Instead of beating him to death, I f*cking forgave him. I'm still f*cking furious about it.
Nathan: Roy, when Keeley and I went shopping the other day, I kissed her.
Roy: Yeah. She told me about it. It's okay.
Nathan: I kissed her. I kissed your girlfriend.
Roy: We're good.
Nathan: All Jamie did was talk to her, and you wanted to kill him. Don't you at least wanna headbutt me or something?
Roy: You made a mistake, Nate. Don't worry about it.
Nathan: No, no, I deserve to be headbutted.
Coach Beard: I'd be happy to headbutt you, Nate.
Ted: Hey, Nate. Hey. Everything okay?
Nathan: Yes, Ted. Everything is okay.
Ted: What is it? What'd I do?
Nathan: What are you talking about?
Ted: Oh, come on, man. You're mad as hell at me. I just wanna know why. Huh? What have I got to learn here?
Nathan: You wanna know what you did?
Ted: Yeah, please.
Nathan: Okay. I'll tell you what you did. You made me feel like I was the most important person in the whole world. And then, you abandoned me. Like you switched out a light, just like that. And I worked my ass off, trying to get your attention back. To prove myself to you. To make you like me again. But the more I did, the less you cared. It was like I was f*cking invisible. You haven't even got the photo I gave you for Christmas up in your office. Just a picture of dumb Americans. Now you're gonna play Nate's false nine, so when the team f*ck up, which they will, hey, you can blame it on me. Well, no. f*ck that. (wiping his eyes) Everybody loves you. The Great Ted Lasso. Well, I think you're a f*cking joke. Without me, you wouldn't have won a single match. They would've shipped your ass back to Kansas, where you belong. With your son. 'Cause you sure as hell don't belong here... But I do. I belong here. This didn't just fall into my lap, all right? I earned this.
Ted: I know you did, Nate. And if I didn't tell you how important you were to me enough, I'm sorry about that.
Nathan: No, no. You know what? You're full of sh1t. Just f*ck you, Ted.
Jamie: (gives the ball to Dani) Dani. You got this, muchacho. It'll be fun. Trust me.
Arlo: It looks like Tartt is giving the ball to Rojas, who hasn't kicked a penalty since, well...
Mae: Come on, Dani!
Ted: Let's go, Dani!
Coach Beard: Here we go, Dani!
Dani: Football is life... (kicks the goal)
Arlo: With that goal, they'll finish in second place and will return to the Premier League in their very first attempt.
Fans: (chanting) We are going up! We are going up! We are going up! Yeah, we are going up!
Players: (in locker room) We're Richmond till we die. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Richmond till we die! We're Richmond till we die. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Richmond till we die!
Sam: Mr. Akufo. I truly enjoyed meeting you, and I'm so flattered by your offer. I'm sorry, but my answer is, "No, thank you." And I don't believe my time here at Richmond is over. And for that reason, I have to stay. I hope you can understand.
Edwin Akufo: (yelling) You Nigerian m*therf*cker! You Yoruba trash. Who the f*ck do you think you are, wasting my time? You medium-talent piece of sh1t.
Edwin: I will dedicate my life to destroying you, you f*cking asshole! You will never play on the Nigerian national team. You understand me, pinky-dick? Never! I will buy your childhood home, and I will take a sh1t in every room. And then I will burn the place down. Yeah. Then, I will sit there, and I'll eat kenkey, and I'll poop on the f*cking ashes. I promise you this, hey.
Ted: Before living here, I used to think still water was just folks saying it's still water, you know? Like, it was water, and it continues to remain to be water.
Rebecca: Well, there's no greater education than travel.
Trent Crimm: Coach Lasso!
Ted: Hey. There he is. I was worried about you. I thought you might've been in a bike accident.
Trent: Actually, I don't know how to ride a bicycle.
Ted: Really? That surprises me.
Trent: Why? 'Cause of the hair and the whole vibe?
Ted: Yeah, I guess so.
Keeley: How did you get actual printed tickets?
Roy: From my travel agent, Kathy. She's old-school.
Keeley: Roy, are you sure they still take paper tickets at airports? Like, is the plane gonna have propellers? Oh, my God. Am I gonna be able to smoke on the flight?
S02E11 - Midnight Train to Royston (All Quotes)
Ted: (enters Rebeca's office) Bing-bong, you ding-dongs.
Rebecca: Guess who is going to be featured in Vanity Fair's business issue as a powerful woman on the rise.
Ted: (excited) I finally got it? This is incredible!
Rebecca: Not you. Keeley.
Ted: Oh, that makes more sense. Hey, congrats, Keeley. That's gonna be a Vanity Fair to remember.
Ted: Dr. Sharon's last day is tomorrow, and we're all chipping in to get her something special.
Rebecca: What did you decide on?
Ted: An envelope of cash. You know, I figured she already has all our deep, dark secrets. Kinda tough to top that with a scarf and a candle, you know?
Roy: Oi, are my eyebrows crazy? I've gotta do a photo shoot with Keeley tonight, and the photo shoot coordinator told me my eyebrows are crazy.
Nathan: Jesus, are my eyebrows crazy?
Roy: They wanna do a "at home with the footballer boyfriend" shot. Bet they won't even use it. She also told me I've gotta wear all black so that Keeley pops.
Nathan: You're always wearing black.
Roy: This isn't black. This is dark heather charcoal.
Nathan: When we play Brentford, we should play with a false nine.
Ted: Couldn't agree more. What is that?
Roy: Play without strikers.
Ted: Okay. Wait, so Jamie and Dani ain't gonna play?
Coach Beard: They do, but they play in midfield where no one expects them to be.
Ted: Yeah. I see. Okay, so we got both our aces tucked up our sleeves, huh? Love that.
Coach Beard: You know, we used to believe that trees competed with each other for light. Suzanne Simard's field work challenged that perception, and we now realize that the forest is a socialist community. Trees work in harmony to share the sunlight.
Nathan: Can't you just give me a straight answer for once?
Roy: I think he just did.
Edwin Akufo: My most sincere apologies. I was told your training would be finished by now.
Ted: Oh, that's okay. Hakuna matata, right? (Laughs) Oh, I'm sorry. That was kind of racist, wasn't it?
Edwin Akufo: Oh, you know, Timon and Pumbaa are cartoons. So I'll let it slide.
Ted: Hey, I appreciate you. So, you must be Edwin Akufo, huh?
Edwin Akufo: Yeah, I am.
Ted: I'm Ted Lasso. (holds out his hand for a handshake)
Edwin Akufo: I don't shake hands. But I have someone who does. Francis.
(Francis steps forward and shakes Ted's hand)
Ted: That is one of the best handshakes I've ever hand shook right there. Firm yet comforting, you know, like a weighted blanket for my hand toes.
Edwin Akufo: Relegation destroys some teams, but it's only seemed to have made yours stronger.
Ted: That's all 'cause of the boss right here. (referring to Rebecca) Trickle-down economics may stink, but trickle-down support smells like pizza, roses and, I assume, Viola Davis.
Edwin Akufo: I'm interested in buying one of your players. Sam Obisanya.
Keeley: (surprised) But Rebecca loves Sam.
Ted: Yeah, we all love Sam.
Higgins: Also, Sam is under contract with us for another three years.
Edwin Akufo: Yes, I understand. Therefore, I would offer you a generous transfer fee of so much money that people would think I'm crazy, and you've taken advantage of me, in a financial, non-sexual way, of course.
Higgins: I believe he's making you an offer you can't refuse.
Ted: Oh, Godfather, I see you.
Rebecca: Well, I'm refusing an offer he can't make.
Ted: Is that a quote from the third movie?
Ted: Well, gosh dang it. Now I wish we had two Sams, you know? One for y'all and one for us. Where are we at with cloning these days, by the way? Them Scottish folks have been mighty quiet on that front for a while, which means we gotta be close, right?
Edwin Akufo: Yeah, well, like my father used to say, a sad white man is still a white man.
Edwin Akufo: (to Sam) I figure we could maybe go to a museum, have something to eat.
Edwin Akufo: Wonderful. After you.
Edwin Akufo: It's lovely to meet you all. Bye.
Higgins: So strange. I once wrote a play about a billionaire who took a footballer to a museum and then dinner.
Rebecca: What happens in the play?
Higgins: Well, they get their meal for free because they found a little bit of glass in the pasta.
Nathan: I just wondered if you'd mind helping me pick out a fancy suit?
Keeley: Abso-fucking-lutely. Perfect timing, actually. I've gotta pick up some outfits for this photo shoot I'm doing. Come with.
Nathan: What, now?
Keeley: Now. Let's go kill two birds with one stone.
Nathan: All right, yeah. Let's go... murder some birds with a rock.
Roy: (referring to a table full of alchohol) I always thought this was what the teachers did when we went home.
Ms. Bowen: Art fundraiser tonight. For 20 quid, you can buy a kid's art. For 40, I'll send it home with you already in a rubbish bin.
Roy: That's a solid business model.
Ms. Bowen: I won't be able to display Phoebe's artwork.
Roy: Why not?
(Ms. Bowen shows Roy drawings of breasts)
Roy: Oh, no. She draws ti...
Ms. Bowen: Unnervingly accurate charcoal sketches of breasts, yes. There were more, but some of the boys stole them and I think are using them as currency.
Ted: Okay, so let's see. You and...
Ted: ...uel L. Jackson?
Ted: Right, okay. Just checking. Okay, well, you know, I think that's great. Hold on. Wait. No... Yes. Yeah, I do. No, I think that's fine.
Rebecca: I think I need to end it.
Ted: Sure, I can see that.
Rebecca: I asked him for a bit of time to figure things out. And now we're in a bit of a limbo situation.
Ted: Great party game, horrible relationship status.
Ted: Well, Rebecca. Listen to me. Don't listen to me. Don't listen to Edwin Akufo. Don't even listen to Sam. You just listen to your gut, okay? And on your way down to your gut, check in with your heart. Between those two things, they'll let you know what's what. They make good harmony, like two-thirds of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, you know what I mean?
Ted: You know, boss, you're starting to develop a bit of a habit.
Rebecca: Am I?
Ted: Oh, yeah. Same time, same place last year, you dropped another truth bomb on me.
Rebecca: See you next year.
Ted: I can't wait.
Nathan: God, this place is so posh. Feel like I'm not supposed to be here.
Keeley: This place is for rich twats who piss away all their money on an outfit they only wear once. But, Nate, today you are one of those twats.
Jarkko: I'm worried about the crotch. Does the crotch feel loose? The crotch looks loose. Keeley, thoughts on the crotch?
(Keeley and Jarkko kneel down to stare at Nathan's crotch)
Nathan: Oh, my Go...
Keeley: I think the crotch looks great.
Jarkko: We can have the crotch taken in. It's better to have a tight crotch than a loose crotch, you know?
Ted: I just came up to invite Doctor Sharon to Colin's birthday party tomorrow night.
Higgins: Colin's birthday is August the 21st.
Ted: I love that you know that.
Higgins: Yeah, I know everybody's birthday.
Ted: Really? Liam Neeson.
Higgins: June 7th.
Ted: Tina Turner.
Higgins: November 26th.
Ted: Chuck Norris, Sharon Stone, and Osama Bin Laden.
Higgins: All March the 10th.
Ted: You are good.
Ted: Beg to differ, Higgy Stardust. Sharon's last day is manana.
Higgins: Yes, but an emergency came up, and she has to leave tonight.
Ted: Wait, she left without saying goodbye?
Higgins: She wrote everybody a letter. Mine was very nice. Here's yours.
(Ted refuses to take the letter)
Higgins: Don't "let-her" her get away with it, Ted!
Roy: So you're Ms. Bowen, the mean teacher. Well, Phoebe likes you.
Ms. Bowen: She's smart. Most of them hate me. They have, like, 20 different mean nicknames for me.
Roy: Go on.
Ms. Bowen: I don't know any of them. Ms. Bowlegs, Ms. Boring, Ms. Bonehead, Ms. Bellend, Boaty Ms. Boatface and then there's one little boy who simply calls me Fuck-witch, which is admittedly my favorite.
Ted: (To Dr. Sharon) Well, well, well. Look what the weird bike rode in.
Dr. Sharon: Ted, how long have you been standing out here?
Ted: A long time. And I really gotta use the john too, but I'm gonna hold it a bit longer, 'cause I'm so dang ticked off at you.
Dr. Sharon: (to Ted) Thanks to you, I've learned that expressing my vulnerabilities can help my patients with theirs. You helped me become a better therapist. And that's saying something, because I was already f*cking brilliant.
Ted: That's nice of you to say. And yet, you were gonna leave without letting me know any of that.
Dr. Sharon: Ted, it's all in the letter.
Ted: It's all in the letter! It's all in your... Okay, well, fine. I'll read your stupid-ass letter. Unbelievable. You spelled "favorite" wrong.
(Ted reads the letter)
Ted: It's a very good letter.
Sam: I've never had West African food this good in London. I can't believe I didn't know this place existed.
Edwin: Well, it doesn't. I had it created for us. I brought in my own chefs. I travel often, and I know what it's like to miss the food from home.
Edwin: Sam, you are the fourth person to know this. I'm buying Raja Casablanca in Morocco. My only focus in life will be to make us one of the biggest clubs in the world. Bayern, United, PSG, Barcelona... Casablanca. The greatest African players around the world will come home to play for us. Mark my words, in 20 years, an African team will win the World Cup.
Keeley: Please say that it's gonna be good 'cause I'm really losing it. I'm so nervous.
Roy: Babe, you've done a thousand magazines. You did an advert for a service station where you jumped out of an airplane topless eating a hamburger. You can't be more nervous than that.
Keeley: All right, so, earlier when I was suit shopping with Nate, there was a little misunderstanding. He tried to kiss me. It wasn't a big deal, but I just thought you should know.
Roy: Sh1t. That must've been awkward. Thank you for telling me. (pauses) I was talking to Phoebe's teacher earlier for three hours. And at the end she asked me if I was married, and I just said no, nothing else. I don't know why.
(both pause to think)
Keeley: At the funeral, Jamie told me he still loves me.
(both pause to think)
Photographer: Okay. Here we go. Turn to me.
(they both turn and awkwardly stare straight forward)
Baz: (to Dr. Sharon) You're the shrink for the team, yeah? (turns to Jeremy) Go on. Ask her.
Jeremy: I'm scared of snakes. Like, really scared of snakes, even the tiny ones in my garden. Does that mean anything?
Dr. Sharon: Do you want it to mean something?
Jeremy: I just don't wanna be afraid when I'm tending to my tomatoes.
Dr. Sharon: Because the garden is your safe space. Is it about the snakes, or is it about the fear and anxiety slithering into your consciousness?
Jeremy: That's it. The last one! That's it!
Baz: I have a recurring dream...
Dr. Sharon: (whispers) Oh, God.
Baz: ...where I'm floating. Not flying, floating.
Mae: (interrupting) Piss off, you three. You want psychiatric help, call the number I gave you.
S02E10 - No Weddings and a Funeral (All Quotes)
Ted: You know, growing up, I used to believe that if you did good things, you went to heaven. You did bad things, you went to hell. Nowadays, I know we all just do both. So wherever he is, I hope he's happy.
Higgins: I like to imagine a heaven where animals are in charge, and humans are the pets. I'd like to spend eternity curled up in front of a fire at Cindy Clawford's feet.
Nathan: I'd like to be reincarnated as a tiger... and then ravage anyone who looked at me wrong.
Coach Beard: You know, if you weigh a person's body right after death, it's 21.3 grams lighter, and some say that's the weight of the soul.
Roy: Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again. You live, you die, you're done. Good night.
Keeley: He's on his period.
Isaac: Oi, so we're all going to this funeral as a team. So that means ties, shirts... and no trainers.
Zoreaux: What if they're, like, really nice Yeezys?
Isaac: What color?
Zoreaux: Bright red.
(Isaac stares at him)
Zoreaux: Okay, I'll wear some dress shoes.
Dani: Where do you get dress shoes?
Colin: I don't have time to stand in line at midnight and wait till morning to buy new shoes.
Jamie: You don't have to do that for shoes like these, mate. Nobody wants them.
Keeley: Roy, if you die, do you want to be buried or cremated? Like, if you were hit by a bus today, what do I do?
Roy: Go after the bus driver and make him pay for what he did to me. Avenge me, Keeley. Avenge me!
Keeley: I found this company, and they bury you in a biodegradable sack. So when your body decomposes, it fertilizes the seeds of a fruit tree. That's what I want. Because then you and all the people that love me can eat the fruit from my tree.
Roy: That is f*cking mental.
Keeley: Coming from the guy that wants me to ruin a bus driver's life just 'cause he killed you swerving to avoid a child.
Roy: I didn't know about the f*cking child.
Keeley: I just like the idea that my death can nourish people.
Roy: With fruit made from your rotting corpse? I wouldn't eat that.
Keeley: But you'll eat a kebab that you find a hair in?
Roy: It's fine if you know who the hair is from. That's part of the deal. He's a lovely bloke.
Dani: I hate dress shoes so much, Jamie.
Jamie: I know, muchacho. 'Cause remember, they ain't made for people like us. They're made for sheep. They're made for Muggles. They're made for twats.
Dani: When I get home, I will set them on fire, and their memory will burn in hell.
Jamie: Jesus, Dani.
Dani: Jesus has no place in the conversation of these damn shoes.
Coach Beard: I don't think I've ever been in a properly... Anglican house of worship before, and... it makes me miss you, and I just wish you were here.
Jane: Me too. I love funerals. Is it an open casket?
Coach Beard: God, I hope so.
Sassy: So, Stinky. Who are you secretly shagging?
Keeley: Let's skip the part where you pretend you're not, yeah?
Rebecca: What are you even talking about?
Keeley: How about the bullshit text after the date, the fact I have not seen you outside of work for two weeks, and that even though today is your father's funeral, you are glowing like a girl that just got properly plowed.
Keeley: We're just trying to figure out who Rebecca is shagging.
Deborah: Oh, I know. And it's good.
Sassy: Hang on. Hang on. Okay, let's play 20 questions.
Keeley: Yes! Yes.
Nora: Oh, my... this is thrilling.
Sassy: Is he tall?
Keeley: Is it Sam?
Rebecca: (suprised) How the f*ck did you know that?
Ted: When I was in fifth or sixth grade, there was this book called Johnny Tremain, and our homework for, like, a month was to read this book. At the end of the month, I hadn't read a lick of it, you know. And we had a test, big test, like, the next day. And the night before, I was anxious as all heck, and I couldn't sleep, and my dad starts getting after me about that. And I start crying. And he's like, "Whoa, buddy. What's wrong? What's wrong?" And I tell him what's up. And he says, "Hey, don't worry about it, okay. Just go up to your room, lay your head on your pillow and think about something you're looking forward to." So that's what I did. Next morning, I wake up, and he says, "Hey, you ain't gonna ride your bike to school. I'm gonna drive you." And I'm like, "All right." And on the way to school, he talks me through the entire book, like it's a bedtime story or something. Because he stayed up all night, the whole night, reading the whole damn thing, 'cause he didn't want his little boy stressed out over some stupid, silly test. And I ended up getting an A. Boom. He was a good dad. And I don't think he knew that.
Rebecca: I don't really know what to say. My father... was... (begins to recite song lyrics) We're no strangers to love. You know the rules... And so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this From any other guy. I... just want to tell you how I'm feeling. Try to make you understand. Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say...
Ted: Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
All: Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Rebecca: Never gonna give, never gonna give...
All: Give you up.
Rebecca: Never gonna give, never gonna give...
All: Give you up.
Rebecca: Thank you.
Dani: (wearing Rebecca's slippers) Rebecca, muchisimas gracias. I can feel my toes again. I am so happy we wear the same size.
Rebecca: Good. Me too. You keep those.
Dani: Your generosity knows no boundaries.
Jamie: (to Keeley) Listen, Keeley. I know that you're with Roy and that you're happy, but today's made me realize that I'd hate myself if I didn't say... I didn't just come back to Richmond to get away from my dad. I also came back 'cause of you. I finally think that I'm becoming the best version of myself, the kind of man that you always knew that I could be. And I know that this is a mad, shitty thing to do, but... I love you, Keeley.
Roy: (to Keeley) Listen, I was a prick today, making dumb f*cking jokes. It's, just, death makes me uncomfortable 'cause when my granddad died, I spent every single night for a whole year praying that I could just talk to him just once, or see him just one more time like he was Obi-Wan Kenobi or some sh1t. And I got f*ck all. But it did make me realize, we only got this one life, and I don't wanna waste a second of it. I love you, Keeley.
Ted: I know I only got to meet Mr. Welton that one time, but, well, the fact that a fella his age could still do every move from Donald O'Connor's big old dance scene from Singin' in the Rain, it just gave me a lot of hope for getting older, you know.
Rebecca: (while watching a Rick Astley video) I think you had a bit of a thing for Rick Astley, Mother.
Deborah: Well, maybe I did. But that's not him, is it?
Rebecca: Yeah, of course it is.
Deborah: No, I thought he was Black. That's Rick Astley?
S02E09 - Beard After Hours (All Quotes)
Gary Linaker: It was moment after moment like this. A real David versus Goliath match, but where Goliath just curb-stomped David in the back of the skull like in that Ed Norton movie.
Thierry Henry: Moonrise Kingdom?
Gary Linaker: I think that's it, yeah. man
Thierry Henry: Yeah. Well, for me, the match was a real Cinderella story. If her glass slipper broke and sliced her Achilles tendon.
Gary Linaker: What about Coach Beard?
Thierry Henry: What about him, indeed. Coach Beard knew an aggressive offensive strategy was a mistake. He should not have let Ted, Nathan and Roy convince him otherwise.
Gary Linaker: Great point, Thierry. Coach Beard is Ted Lasso's number two. He's supposed to challenge him, not just be a sniveling lackey.
Thierry Henry: Look, Gary, the man has no va-va-voom.
Gary Linaker: Does anything say "sad, single man" more than a chessboard coffee table?
Mae: Jane coming?
Coach Beard: We broke up.
Coach Beard: She accused me of being jealous. Me. Because I told her it's hard to know where I stand, which it is, because she never says "I love you."
Mae: Did you say it to her?
Coach Beard: I did.
Mae: And she didn't say it back.
Coach Beard: She did not.
Coach Beard: Thank you for helping me relive that.
Mae: Well, you must feel awful.
Coach Beard: Reason is powerless in the expression of love.
Mae: Nuh-uh. I meant about the match. What the hell was your thinking behind those tactics?
Coach Beard: We can talk and drink as long as we talk about anything but the game and drink.
Jeremy: Have you ever been to Vegas?
Baz: What's Ted like behind closed doors?
Paul: How do you cope knowing the universe is infinite but your consciousness can end in a second?
Coach Beard: I've been to Vegas many times. One night is good, two nights is perfect, three is too many. Ted is a man. Just a man. And as for the fragility of life, I'm so glad someone finally asked. Because, yeah, I got a few thoughts.
(after many beers have been quaffed)
Coach Beard: And so, in conclusion, if this is all indeed a simulation, which everything in my experience suggests that it is, then all we can do is tip our caps to the rascal pulling the strings.
Mae: That's it, people. Just like my legs after a date with a guy who kept correcting me, we're closed.
Paul: You went on a date with Richard?
Richard: I think you'll find, Mae, it was two dates.
Richard: Coffee was a date.
Coach Beard: Do we know each other?
Sarah Coombes: I don't think we do, sir. May I see your membership card?
Coach Beard: University of Barcelona, class of 2004?
Sarah Coombes: I went to Warwick, 2007.
Coach Beard: Oh, sorry, you looked older.
Sarah Coombes: Are you a member here?
Coach Beard: Here? No. God, no. Never.
Sarah Coombes: Well, if you're not a member, I'm afraid you can't come in. This is Bones & Honey.
Coach Beard: You are very rude. What is your name?
Sarah Coombes: My name is Sarah Coombes. What is your name?
Coach Beard: None of my business.
Sarah Coombes: Bones & Honey, may I help you?
(Beard leaves and goes back outside)
Baz: (on the phone) Hello, uh, this is the fire brigade. Uh, it's very important that we get in touch with, uh...
Coach Beard: (whispers) Sarah Coombes.
Baz: Sarah Coombes. Oh, that's you. Oh, well, I'm very sorry, madam, but your flat is on fire. Y-You need to come down here immediately.
Paul: I actually feel bad for Sarah Coombes.
Baz: Nah. Think how excited she'll be when she realizes that her place didn't actually burn down.
Coach Beard: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Sarah Coombes's life. Her apartment will look more amazing to her than any place any of us have ever lived.
Coach Beard: Evening, gents. I see you've met my proteges. I'm Professor Declan Patrick Aloysius MacManus. At your service. I assure you, the pleasure is mine. But, I must tell you, these lads here were the best of the best at Oxford itself. And now, we're just having a wee liquid reunion, aren't we?
Red: I'm sure you know that your trousers are ripped.
Coach Beard: They're designed that way. To make it easier for people to kiss my ass.
Red: Be careful. We have decency laws in England. You'll get arrested.
Coach Beard: I wasn't aware the laws were so restrictive here.
Red: Oh, yeah. We're a repressed nation. One exposed arse can bring down the monarchy itself.
Coach Beard: How dare you speak of Prince Andrew that way.
Red: I could fix those for you. I live over there.
Coach Beard: In that pointy building?
Coach Beard: Could I please use the phone?
Hotel Desk Clerk: The hotel phones are just for guests, I'm afraid, sir.
Coach Beard: Okay then. Could I please use your phone?
Hotel Desk Clerk: My personal phone?
Coach Beard: Yes, I lost my phone and my wallet, and I'm just trying to get back home.
Hotel Desk Clerk: And what would you be using my personal phone for, sir?
Coach Beard: Booking a cab.
Hotel Desk Clerk: Nope. I'm not falling for that.
Coach Beard: Oh, I'm not trying to trick you.
Hotel Desk Clerk: Exactly what a trickster would say.
Coach Beard: I would just go through my own account, you know.
Hotel Desk Clerk: That's how it starts, isn't it? First you book a cab. Next thing I know, you've geolinked my phone to your network and all of a sudden, you and fake Melania have downloaded all my bank details and you're using my identity to shift more poppy seeds to your own private island. No. Not tonight. I've been in this game too long now.
Coach Beard: What game?
Hotel Desk Clerk: You won't touch my phone. Within seconds, you'll have my mother's maiden name, all my cryptocurrencies. Not that I have any. Next thing I know, my hard drive is being confiscated by MI5 for illegal images that you've tricked me into downloading. Oh, no. You'll not make a fool of me. Not you. Not a dead ringer for Dame Judi Dench. Not anyone. Shame on you, sir! Good night.
Ted: Sometimes, every once in a blue moon, there is a game so awful, so...
Roy: Dog sh1t?
Coach Beard: A catastrophe of epic proportions.
Ted: That the only way to watch it back is at ten times the speed and with the Benny Hill theme music playing under it. Here we go.
S02E08 - Man City (All Quotes)
Dr. Sharon: He refuses to open up. And when he gets anywhere close to being vulnerable, he fires off a zinger or some obscure reference to something very specific to a 40-year-old white man from middle America.
Keeley: I haven't found a term I like yet for when I tell people I'm taking a sh1t. What do you use?
Rebecca: I need to reapply my lip liner. Men don't know what that means and women understand it requires time and focus.
Ted: You're telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y'all patch me up and I don't have to pay jack squat?
Hospital Orderly: You're damn right.
Ted: I tell you, I love this country. I love this town. Oh, did you know that Winnie the Pooh was based on a real bear from the London Zoo?
Dr. Sharon: (arrives and hears Ted talking) F*ck me.
Ted: No intracranial hemorrhaging? Or subdural hematoma?
Doctor: No. You seem to know a lot about brain injuries.
Ted: Well, I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy in my early 30s. And actually, you know, I coached football. The American kind. You know? The one with all the concussions and hullabaloo about kneeling and such.
Ms. Bowen: Coach Kent, we've got a bit of an issue with Phoebe's behavior.
Roy: Let's have it.
Ms. Bowen: She's been swearing. A lot.
Roy: How bad is it?
Ms. Bowen: Today she called one of her classmates an "apathetic shitfucker."
Roy: Are they?
Ms. Bowen: Oh, yes. But that's not the point. Do you have any idea where she might be getting this from?
Dr. Sharon: (on a phone message recording) Ted, it's Sharon. I can't come to the phone right now. But if you want to talk my ear off about some bullshit because you're too afraid to properly emote, leave a message. Beep!
Dr. Sharon: (to Ted) I didn't mean it.
Ted: Come on now. You meant it a little bit. In concussio veritas, right? Ain't that the saying?
Higgins: (working in the cleaning closet) I'm just in here until my office exists. It's really no problem. If I spill anything, I'm next to everything I need to clean up.
Jamie: This is very, very sad.
Higgins: Fathers and sons. So tricky. They should really write songs about it.
Jamie: Think they do.
Higgins: Yeah, I know. I was just...
Jamie: Anyway... You... Are you close with your dad?
Higgins: Ups and downs, like everyone. It's complicated.
Jamie: Mine's not complicated. He's just a dick. Every situation, he does exactly what a dick would do. Not much you can do with that. Know what I mean?
Jamie: James Tartt. His mates are Denbo Cullens and Bug.
Jamie: Just Bug. One G. Like the animal. It's his legal name. Changed it.
Higgins: Because he's small like a bug?
Jamie: No, 'cause he eats bugs for money.
Phoebe: Thank you for the ice cream, Uncle Roy.
Roy: Oi! You can't swear, Phoebe.
Phoebe: But you swear all the time.
Roy: Yeah. And it didn't hold me back 'cause I'm a footballer. No one cares if we swear. It's part of the job. It's encouraged. But you can't be a doctor, or a teacher, or a...
Phoebe: Veterinarian for wild animals.
Roy: Or a veterinarian for wild animals. I still don't get how that works. You treat them in the woods and no one pays you?
Roy: I get concerned that I've been infecting you with the worst parts of me.
Phoebe: That's not true. Uncle Roy, you teach me great things. I called that boy a name because he's a bully. And because of you, I stand up to bullies. And referees. And I can do that without swearing.
Roy: Yeah. 'Cause you are better than me.
Phoebe: I'm as good as the best you. Maybe we can stop swearing together.
Roy: F*ck you.
Ted: So, you gonna get a new bike, or you wanna lay off riding for a bit?
Dr. Sharon: I don't know. I haven't thought about it.
Ted: Well, I hope you get back on that horse. And by horse, I mean bicycle. Although how cool would it be if you started riding a horse to work? Everybody starts calling you "Dr. Sharon Horsewoman" or... You know, becomes your hook.
Rebecca: No. Sam. We can't... I'm your boss. No. No. You are way too young. I mean, you're what, like, 24?
Sam: I'm... I'm 21.
Rebecca: Oh, my God. I'm a pedophile. I feel... I've groomed you. All these messages. I was grooming you!
Sam: You didn't groom me, okay? We didn't know who we were.
Rebecca: Okay, but... but now we do, and this is not happening.
Dr. Sharon: After today, I was worried I'll be too scared to enjoy riding again.
Ted: I would say that fear's a lot like underwear...
Dr. Sharon: (interrupting) No, I don't want to discuss it. I don't need a pep talk.
Ted: (referring to Wembley Stadium) Focus up. All right, fellas, I want you to close your eyes. Look around. (stops) You know. I mean, open them up and take it all in. But remember, this right behind me, just a regular old football pitch. You take away the stadium and all the stands, I think you'll find it's the same size as our pitch back home on Nelson Road.
Coach Beard: Not exactly.
Ted: What's that?
Nathan: It's 500 square yards bigger.
Ted: Really? The pitches aren't the same size?
Nathan: This is the biggest pitch in the country.
Coach Beard: Huge advantage for City.
Ted: Boy, oh, boy. This sport has the loosiest-goosiest rules of all. Tough to get my head around sometimes. Okay. All right. It's bigger. And, look, I know y'all grew up watching games on this field, so you're probably a little nervous. Shoot, I know I got goose bumps. I remember being a little kid, sitting in front of the television and watching Queen perform right over there during Live Aid.
Coach Beard: No, you didn't.
Roy: That was old Wembley.
Nathan: That field was even bigger.
Ted: It doesn't matter. Point is, guys, we're here now, okay? At this Wembley. The one that Freddie Mercury never stepped foot in. And this is our day to make history. And I believe we're gonna do just that.
Ted: Hey, fellas, hold on a sec. I need to tell you all something. When I left the match against Tottenham, it... it wasn't 'cause, you know, my stomach was bothering me. It was 'cause I had a panic attack. I've been having them from time to time as of late, and I'm working on it. But I just want you all to know the truth. We good?
All: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course. Okay.
Ted: Okay, all right. All right, let's go get 'em. Richmond on three.
Higgins: Wait! I need to confess something too. I messed up the time zones on our transfer deadline, which is why we didn't sign up that amazing fullback from Brazil.
All: That's okay. Okay. Yeah, okay. All good. Okay. That's all right.
Ted: Yeah. Okay. Here we go.
Roy: I don't read the scouting reports you guys write. I've lied every time they've come up. They're boring, and I won't do it.
Ted: I appreciate that.
Nathan: I pretend to get ideas in the moment, but they're just good ideas I've had for months. I just time them to look spontaneous.
Higgins: It's a good move.
Ted: Illusion of the first time.
Coach Beard: There was one game this season where I was accidentally on mushrooms.
Coach Beard: I'd been at Jane's house, and I drank tea from the wrong pot.
Roy: The Port Vale match?
Coach Beard: Yeah. It won't happen again.
Ted: Thanks, guys. All right, let's go kick their butts.
Coach Beard: Butts on three.
Ted: Works for me. One, two, three.
Ted: (To Coach Beard) You all fancy now, drinking tea, huh?
Coach Beard: I didn't know how to tell you.
Nathan: Hey, ref! Clean the sh1t out of your eyes, you dickless wonder.
Arlo: Oh, no. Never mess with Mike Dean.
Mike Dean: (gives Nathan a yellow card) Can't say that, mate. I'm sorry. There you go.
Ted: Sorry about that, Mike. We all know you have a penis.
Mike Dean: I've been called worse.
Security: Mr. Tartt. You have a visitor. Says he's your father.
James Tartt: Are you decent? (to security) I told ya. Dick. (to the team) Oh, gentlemen! Gentlemen! Hey, it's a tough one, lads. It's a tough one, but no shame to it, 'cause, you know, we only ever beat everybody we play. So you pups had no chance. And there he is, my son. My own flesh and blood. Poor Jamie, my son. Now, maybe I'm thinking his heart's still in Manchester and that's why he missed that sitter in the first half. You absolutely balled it. You balled it. What were you thinking? I'm only kidding, hey. Hey, look, do us a favor and get Denbo and Bug past security. They wanna go on the pitch, take a few snaps, yeah?
Jamie: I'd rather 'em not.
James Tartt: Yeah, they just want to look around. It'll only take a second.
Jamie: I'd rather 'em not.
James Tartt: What? What, you're not gonna all go little moody bitch just 'cause you got your arse served to you on a plate, are ya?
Jamie: Don't speak to me like that. Don't speak to me like that. Don't speak to me like that.
James Tartt: Okay, well, let's see if you can hear this. You know that ickle TV show you made? You made it easier for Manchester City to kick you to the curb. And look where you are now. Twaddling about with a bunch of amateurs. (to team) No offense, no offense. (grabs Jamie) Don't turn your back on me, you pussy.
(Jamie punches him)
Ted: My father killed himself when I was 16. That happened to me and to my mom.
Dr. Sharon: I'm so sorry, Ted.
Ted: And look, I don't know if that's where maybe some of my issues stem from.
Dr. Sharon: No, it definitely is.
S02E07 - Headspace (All Quotes)
Nathan: (referring to his photo in the newspaper) Would you look at that. (laughs) They'll let anyone in the newspapers nowadays, won't they?
Lloyd Shelley: They say humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking about yourself less.
Ted: (sitting across from Dr. Sharon) Quite intimate here, you know? Close. Close quarters. It's like we're on a episode of The Sopranos, without all the gratuitous violence, which is a good thing. But a lot less spaghetti and clams too, which is a bad thing. So...
Ted: You got tissues over there, huh? Hmm.
Dr. Sharon: Yes, tissues.
Ted: Yeah. What are those for?
Dr. Sharon: Sometimes it gets a bit emotional in here.
Dr. Sharon: Not always, but sometimes.
Ted: Yep, yep, yep.
Dr. Sharon: Sometimes people just sneeze.
Ted: All right, fellas. Look, there are two things you can't ever let the other team know, all right? The first one's your home address. Mark my words. You'll start having food deliveries and SWAT teams showing up 24-7, which is nuts, 'cause in my day, all we had to worry about was crank phone calls. Then, with the advent of caller ID, that joy got 86'd from the prank menu, which is a darn shame, 'cause the Jerky Boys were a national treasure. Y'all should give them a Google sometime. But I digress...
Ted: I don't wanna see y'all walking around with your tired faces, all... Okay? Just huffing and puffing around the pitch. Uh-uh. No, thank you. The only face I wanna see from y'all is, what, Coach?
Coach Beard: (yelling) Game face, baby!
Ted: Darn tootin', Vladimir Putin!
Colin: Lucky us. We get to be trained by the Wonder Kid himself.
(The team laughs)
Nathan: (sour) Oh, very funny, Colin. You a stand-up comic now? Kind of ironic, 'cause I sat you down at the match the other day.
Keeley: Oh, my God. Just answer him. It's been two days.
Rebecca: I don't know what to say.
Higgins: How about the truth? "I'd love to meet up, but I'm worried that you can't live up to the fantasy I've created in my head. So I'm going to let my insecurities keep me from possibly finding my one true love."
Rebecca: I mean, everything always goes wrong. All relationships are a nightmare.
Higgins: My relationship is the oxygen that gives me life.
Rebecca: Apart from Leslie's marriage, which is a bloody greeting card of some kind.
Keeley: If you're gonna be here, you need to go sit quietly on the couch and read your book, yeah?
Roy: (growls and moves away to read his book)
Keeley: That's not helping me either.
Roy: What? I'm doing exactly what you said. I'm sitting quietly and reading my book.
Keeley: You doing exactly what I tell you to do is so f*cking hot.
Colin: I was wondering if I'd done anything to annoy you...
Colin: It's just because I felt like you got angry at me for taking the piss yesterday, but Dani and Jamie did the same thing, and you didn't get mad at them.
Nathan: Oh, yeah, I can... Yeah. No, I can explain that. Um, you see, Jamie and Dani are like Picasso and Gauguin.
Nathan: (bitterly) Artists. They're artists. And, uh, Colin, you paint too, but, um, your work doesn't end up in museums. It hangs at... Well, you're like a painting at a Holiday Inn, you know? You don't inspire. You don't move people. You're there. You cover a bloodstain. You do the job, so... just do the job. All right?
Rebecca: Keeley, stop auditioning your complaints. Just tell the person who can actually do something about it.
Ted: Well, I don't know, boss. Sometimes it's good to bottle things up. That's how we get, you know, pickles.
Keeley: And vodka.
Will: Extra virgin olive oil.
Higgins: And messages.
Higgins: In bottles.
Ted: All right, fellas! Hey! So here's the plan today. Peas and carrots, you're going with Coach Roy. Rest of you beef chunks are coming with me. Let's go to work.
Coach Beard: Starters with Roy, reserves with Coach.
Roy: Jamie, what the f*ck were you doing? Richard loses his man, gets into the box, and you run the other way?
Jamie: I was pulling my defender out of his path.
Roy: He's your teammate. He needs you to come to the ball and support him. You all got that?
Jamie: Respectfully, Coach, that ain't what he needs from me. He needs me to give him space.
Roy: What'd you say?
Jamie: The best thing I can do in that situation is give him space.
Jan Maas: He's right, actually.
Jamie: Yeah, I know. I learned it from Pep.
Jan Maas: He got it from "Cruijff".
Jamie: Pronounced "Cruyff."
Jan Maas: Okay, Englishman.
Jamie: Look, whatever. The point is that Richard doesn't need me to crowd him. And since he's me teammate, I should trust him to do what's best, right?
Roy: F*ck! (walks off mad)
Jamie: I didn't say nothing bad this time!
Dani: Coach Nate, we have a gift for you.
Issac: Yeah. Good thing you apologized, otherwise this would be awkward.
(They give Nathan a jersey)
Nathan: "Wonder Kid."
Jan Maas: I mean, because of you saying that instead of "wunderkind," which is the proper pronunciation.
Thoreaux: It was Will's idea.
Nathan: Was it?
Will: Well, you know, it's a pretty awesome nickname, so cheers.
Nathan: Oh, no, thank you. Um... I mean, I did say wunderkind...
Jan Maas: Ahhhh....
Ted: Because I respect your readers so much, I'll leave out all the specific nastiness that occurred. Yeah. But I'm fit as a fiddle now.
Trent Crimm: So you had food poisoning and you are fit as a fiddle now...
Ted: Exactamundo, Dikembe Mutombo.
Trent Crimm: Love our chats.
Roy: Hey, Siri. Play the "Roy is sorry for not understanding Keeley" playlist. (Keeley giggles) I stole those roses from your neighbor's garden. Ripped them to shreds. And that... That's Phoebe's light, so I'm gonna have to give that back or I'm gonna get it in the neck. And that, that's a foot scrubber or something. The woman said it's good if you've got gross feet.
Keeley: What? You think I've got gross feet?
Roy: Babe, I think you're the cat's pajamas, but your feet are a f*cking state. (Keeley laughs) But who am I to judge? I found so much of my hair down the drain, it looked like a rat had got trapped and f*cking drowned.
S02E06 - The Signal (All Quotes)
Ted: (to Keeley and Roy) Hey. I tell you what, I'm shipping the heck out of you two.
Roy: I'm calling HR.
Ted: Yeah, well, tell Mr. Pufnstuf I said hello. That is a joke for people born in the early to mid '70s.
Ted: I don't know about you fellas, but I am fired up for this FA Cup thing. I mean, come on. A March Madness tournament in the middle of our season featuring every dang team in the country? Yes, please. I mean, what we got? Davids versus Goliaths, right? You know? Rockys versus Apollos. Steve Wiebes against Billy Mitchells. What's another one, Coach?
Coach Beard: Pearl Jam versus Ticketmaster.
Ted: Classic battle of art versus commerce right there.
Ted: Diamond Dogs, mount up! Hey, Roy, you wanna sit in with us...
Roy: No! (leaves)
Ted: Okay. Yeah, shut that. (Higgins begins to climb through the window) He looks a little bit... Yeah, you're gonna come in through here. (Ted tries to help Higgins) That's fine. I got you. Just... Do you wanna... Dukes of Hazzard style, or as you guys probably call it, "the Earls of Risk."
Ted: One of my best friends growing up was this fella, Marcus Girard. He dated the same girl from grade school to high school to college, whole time. And she could be a little bit of a pill, if I'm being honest, you know? No reason to start lying now. And, well, I let him know that. I told him so. And he was not too pleased, all right? And that is the last time I ever gave a best man speech.
Nathan: I try to be outwardly supportive of all relationships due to my dad sabotaging one of my first loves. In year four, he sat me and my classmate, Nadia Shookums, down in the living room and said he thought we could both do better. Well, she listened to him.
Ted: Boy, that's a heaping spoonful of truth soup right there.
Ted: Hi, Rebecca's mom. Hey, fellas. Say hi.
Team: Hi, Rebecca's mum.
Deborah: Hello, boys. And the name's not Rebecca's mum, it's Deborah. I'm a work in progress, a voracious book on tape listener and a staunch believer that if you get dealt lemons in life, then you should make lemon lavender mojitos.
Ted: Boy, I love meeting people's moms. It's like reading an instruction manual as to why they're nuts.
Coach Beard: (yelling fanatically) Let's go!
Ted: How's Mrs. Beard doing, by the way?
Coach Beard: Full-blown QAnon.
Keeley: Do you reckon you'd be up for driving us back from lunch?
Ted: Sure, I'll give it a shot.
Keeley: I've got some creative work I wanna do this afternoon and I kinda wanna be a little buzzed for it.
Ted: Seems like a great idea all around.
Ted: Keeley, you got any advice for this young, half-dressed fella (referring to Jamie) on how to get through to Roy?
Keeley: I agree.
Ted: That's a confusing way to answer that question. Am I wrong?
Keeley: No, I mean, I agree with Roy. Just agree with everything that he throws at you. Really takes the anger wind out of his brat sails.
Deborah: You see, there comes a point when you realize life is long, and it's also very short. And sometimes it's neither. But it is always what it is, you know? So, I looked him in the eye and I said, "Paul, I'm leaving you." I'm gonna live my best life now, for as long as I can, until I die. Or until I'm murdered. And then I stood up, I flushed the toilet, I pulled up my trousers, and I walked straight out of there.
Keeley: That's incredible. Inspiring. You should do a TED Talk.
Ted: No, I agree. Yeah, 'cause right now you're getting a whole heap of "Ted listen."
Deborah: (referring to the noisy bar patrons) Could you tell them to stop shouting at the football?
Mae: What football? They're watching last night's Bake Off.
Bar Patrons: Look at that sponge! That's rubbish! Temper your chocolate, you twat!
Coach Beard: I was just thinking about you.
Jane: What were you thinking?
Coach Beard: That if you ever left me again I would throw myself off a cliff.
Jane: And I'd lay down at the bottom so you could land on me.
Coach Beard: (breathy) Jane Pain.
Jamie: Why won't you coach me?
Roy: Because you don't deserve it.
Jamie: You're right. I don't deserve it.
Roy: And the way you play is dull and conformist.
Jamie: It's true. I do play in quite a dull and conformisty way.
Roy: And you're ugly. You're an ugly, ugly boy. With bad hair. Say it.
Jamie: I am...
Jamie: I am an ugly, ugly boy... With hair that maybe could be slightly... With bad hair, fine!
Roy: Cheers. I enjoyed that.
Jamie: You f*cking arsehole!
Roy: Yeah. I know you are, but so are you.
Jamie: I'm trying to build bridges here.
Roy: You couldn't f*cking build Jeff Bridges.
Jamie: How will I know when?
Ted: I'm actually curious about that myself too.
Roy: We'll give you a signal.
Jamie: What signal?
Ted: Any specifics we need to look out for?
Roy: You'll know it when you see it.
Will: I swear, if we actually win this match, I will burn this pub to the ground. I will...
(Mae stares at him)
Will: ...knock over a chair. I will channel my raging enthusiasm into ways to help my community.
Ted: Hey, what do you think? Trick play? You know, maybe a Loki's Toboggan or Upside-Down Taxi?
Roy: You don't need it. The little prick's gonna f*cking score from there.
Nathan: No way.
(Jamie places the ball)
Coach Beard: It's too far.
(Jamie kicks the goal)
Ted: Are you kidding me?
Rebecca: Your noise is back. What's up?
Higgins: I feel compelled to tell a friend something he won't want to hear.
Rebecca: Is this about Beard and Jane? I see her sometimes, lurking around the car park. I mean, she's a bit intense, but she's adorable. Like a tipsy Reese Witherspoon playing Running Charades.
Higgins: What's Running Charades?
Rebecca: What's Running Charades?
Reporter: It seemed like a negative strategy to pull everyone into defense when you needed a goal.
Nathan: Yes, but I knew they needed a goal too. As long as I made sure they couldn't get through, at some point, human nature, someone would screw up and we could exploit that.
Reporter: Impressive by an assistant coach.
Nathan: Just did what had to be done. It's not like I'm some kind of "wonder kid."
Reporter: Some kind of what?
Nathan: "Wonder kid."
Reporter: I think you mean wunderkind.
Nathan: Yeah? Yeah. Can we fix that with editing, or...
Reporter: No, we're live.
Higgins: (to Coach Beard) Look, let me ask you one question. You're a great man. Does Jane make you greater?
Coach Beard: (Cringes)
Higgins: Okay, look, I apologize. (moves to shake hands)
(Coach Beard pushes his hand away, then hugs him)
Higgins: Okay, okay. That...
Coach Beard: I hear you. I get it. We will never speak of this again.
S02E05 - Rainbow (All Quotes)
Nathan: This is my mom and dad's favorite restaurant and Friday's their 35th wedding anniversary, Jade.
Jade: How do you know my name?
Nathan: Oh, I don't. That's what the 35th wedding anniversary is... Jade.
Jeff: Roy, your old mob in Richmond, uh, struggling. There are a lot of theories as to why that might be. One that's gaining traction is a lack of leadership from your successor as captain, Isaac McAdoo.
Roy: Isaac's a good lad. He'll find his way.
George: You know, under Ted Lasso, Richmond, well, they're like a woman behind the wheel... completely lost!
Roy: George! Didn't you lose your license drink driving?
George: That was an allergic reaction to my medication.
Roy: The same medication that made you piss your pants?
Nathan: I would really like the window table, you know, just to impress my dad.
Jade: I'm sorry. I can't guarantee a reservation for the window table.
Nathan: I know Roy Kent, if that's...
Jade: Is he your dad?
Jade: Well, please let us know if Mr. Kent ever wants the window table.
Ted: People saying there's something wrong with us. Not the way I see it, okay? And here's why: I believe in communism. (players murmur) Rom-communism, that is.
Bumbercatch: What is rom-communism?
Ted: Well, Bumbercatch, it is a world view that reminds us that romantic comedies with folks like Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan or, uh, Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant or... Who am I missing, Coach?
Coach Beard: (sighs)
Richard: Drew Barrymore?
Thoreaux: Matthew McConaughey, obviously.
Ted: All right, all right.
Jamie Tartt: The three Kates.
Colin: Yeah, Beckinsale, Hudson, Winslet.
Nathan: You forgot Blanchett.
Coach Beard: Different spelling.
Sam: I enjoy Renee Zellweger and all the Bridget Jones movies. Mmm. I mean, her accent is pitch perfect and her gift of physical comedy is grossly underrated.
Ted: Point is, fellas, if all those attractive people with their amazing apartments and interesting jobs, usually in some creative field, can go through some lighthearted struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.
Ted: Gentlemen, believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end. Now these next few months might be tricky, but that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest. Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end in the dark forest. That son of a gun always shows up smack-dab in the middle of a story. But it will all work out. Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out. Exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.
Ted: Wait a second, we play Sheffield Wednesday?
Coach Beard: Saturday.
Ted: Oh, we're playing Sheffield Saturday?
Coach Beard: Sheffield Wednesday, Saturday.
Ted: We gotta play 'em twice in the same week?
Coach Beard: (inhales deeply) The club is called Sheffield Wednesday. We play them on Saturday. They're called Sheffield Wednesday because they used to only play on Wednesdays. But nowadays they play on whatever day they feel like, including, but not limited to, Saturdays, which, again, is the day we will be playing them.
Dr. Sharon: Do you want me to talk to Isaac?
Ted: No. That's okay. We got it. I know exactly what Isaac needs. Thank you, though.
(Dr. Sharon leaves)
Nathan: Okay. What does Isaac need?
Ted: Oh, I have no idea.
Ted: Usually in this situation I'd have a player talk to the team captain before I intervened. But Isaac's our captain. Exactly. And I can't very well ask Isaac to pull himself aside. 'Cause that would be dangerously close to messing with the, what's it?
Nathan: The dark arts?
Coach Beard: No, no. Space-time continuum?
Ted: That's it, yeah.
Rebecca: This mystery man that I've been talking to on Bantr has just quoted Rilke. "Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures".
Keeley: Oh, that is so hot. Maybe you're writing letters to a hung poet.
Rebecca: Is that a joke from Sex and The City?
Keeley: No, but thank you. I love that you're so excited. That's so Bantr, a place where minds can come to undress. That's really good. I'm gonna use that.
Nathan: (referring to the free coffee makers) Oh, wow. Look at this.
Keeley: Sorry, Nate. They're actually just for the players.
Nathan: Oh. Oh, good. Oh, I hate free coffee anyway, always tastes so, um...
Higgins: We have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham. Just got a call from their new owners, showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. I can't tell if them buying the club is a joke or not, so I haven't replied to them yet.
Rebecca: So your ringtone for your wife is "She's a Rainbow" by the Rolling Stones? That's awfully affectionate.
Higgins: Yeah, well, it's our song. It was playing the moment we met. And, uh, it's not an exaggeration. She really is my rainbow.
Higgins: The night I met my wife, I was attempting to be a brooding punk with hair spiked out to here. (raises hand high over his head) And then, uh, "She's a Rainbow" came on and I started playing upright air bass but I had a pint in my hand and ended up pouring beer all over my head. Oh! Everyone in the bar laughed, except one person who handed me a damp, disgusting bar towel. And I've been married to her for 29 years.
Nathan: Can you make me famous?
Keeley: No! Nate, you don't wanna be famous.
Nathan: I don't?
Keeley: No! There'll be photographers all up your bum, and tabloids going through your rubbish.
Nathan: I don't want that.
Keeley: Groupies everywhere?
Nathan: That's not horrible.
Keeley: Nathan needs a table at a restaurant.
Rebecca: Whoo, excellent. Alain Ducasse at The Dorchester? Ooh, L'Atelier Robuchon. Chiltern Firehouse!
Nathan: No, er-- Um, it's, uh, A Taste of Athens in T-Tooting.
Rebecca: Did he just say, "Tooting"?
Keeley: Tooting. It's his parents' favorite place.
Nathan: Well, it's the place that my dad complains about the least.
Rebecca: Wait, you can't get a table at something called "A Taste of Athens" in Tooting?
Nathan: No, it's impossible.
Rebecca: All right. Well, there's a simple solution to that. I'll just buy the restaurant.
Keeley: (laughs) Well, you know the saying? "You buy a man a table, he eats once. You teach a man how to get a table and he eats at that restaurant until it becomes a Starbucks."
Ted: Fancy running into you here, after asking Keeley where you were and scootin' my boot right over, that is.
Roy: She told me to expect a mustachioed surprise that would anger me. I thought it was gonna be Wario or my great-aunt Natalie.
Ted: I don't know what makes your aunt Natalie so great, but I appreciate your effusiveness, despite her appearance.
Ted: What do you think about joining the coaching staff?
Roy: F*ck off.
Ted: Mmm, that's a solid negotiation tactic right there.
Roy: I don't wanna coach. I like what I'm doing, and I'm good at it. People tweet about me, with JIFs and everything.
Ted: I know some folks pronounce it "GIFs", but I hear you.
Roy: Let me finish my kebab and pray on it.
Ted: (kneels and does the sign of the cross) Right there. (leaves money on the table) For the collection plate. Later, skater.
Roy: Well, this place is ruined now.
Keeley: Hello, sir. Can I help you?
Nathan: Uh, yes. Um, Nathan Shelley, party of three.
Keeley: Let's see, Mr. Shelby.
Nathan: Yes, Shelby. Sorry, I should have said Shelby.
Keeley: (imitates buzzer) No. That is not your name.
Nathan: It's pretty close.
Rebecca: I have a secret: I make myself big. Before I go into the room, I find somewhere private, I stand up on my tiptoes, put my arms in the air and make myself as big as possible to feel my own power. Like this... (clears throat) (inhales deeply) (growls) (more growls then silence)
Keeley: F*ck, you're amazing. Let's invade France.
Ted: What about me? What do I get to do?
Ted: Aw, come on. Can I keep score?
Ted: All right, I'm gonna use my fingers. It's zero-zero!
Ted: It is nil-nil.
Nathan: (in restaurant bathroom) You are Nathan f*cking Shelley. (spits on mirror)
(Leaves the bathroom)
Nathan: (to his parents) Be right back. Don't get too comfortable.
Nathan: (to the hostess) Jade, this is a special night for my parents, and the window table is open. So, here is what I would love to see happen. You're gonna give us that table, and then my family and I are gonna order a starter, main course, little dessert, a bottle of wine. And you are going to be stunned by how quickly a gaggle of Shelleys can get through a three-course meal and get out of here. So what do you say?
Issac: What the f*ck, Roy? Did you bring me round here to get my leg broke?
Roy: No. I brought you here to remind you that football is a f*cking game that you used to play as a f*cking kid. 'Cause it was fun, even when you were getting your f*cking legs broken or your f*cking feelings hurt. So, f*ck your feelings, f*ck your overthinking, f*ck all that bullshit, go back out there and have some f*cking fun.
Issac: All right, game on.
Roy: Was that all right?
Ted: That was great.
Roy: Too many f*cks?
Ted: I don't know. Kinda like all the nipples in that movie, Showgirls. Halfway through, you don't even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative.
Roy: I dated Gina Gershon once.
Ted: That makes me happy.
Ted: I came here tonight 'cause when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life coaching with somebody, you want the rest of your life to begin ASAP.
Roy: Please stop.
Ted: You complete our team.
Roy: You're an asshole.
Ted: I'm also just a coach, standing in front of a boy, asking him if...
Roy: Listen, I'm never coming back to Richmond. Not now, not ever...
Coach Beard: Set your alarm for PM instead of AM?
Ted: Yes, sir, Steve Kerr. Thank you.
Coach Beard: Still, you got down here pretty quick.
Ted: Yeah, well, I think a fella should only take as long as the tune "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey to get dressed in the morning.
Coach Beard: Makes sense.
Woman: We had season tickets for Richmond. My family was well-off.
Man: I was a young punk that snuck in every week. My father wanted us in the best seats in the house.
Man: I sat there because she was there.
Woman: My mother and my boyfriend were furious. They wanted to call security to kick him out.
Man: But she insisted that I should stay.
Woman: And we fell in love.
Man: And we fell in love.
Woman: Years later, a close friend of the family used the same story line for the film Titanic. And we've been in litigation ever since.
Rebecca: (Laughing while texting her mystery man on her phone)
Keeley: Just stop with the foreplay. Tell him you own Richmond and that you're f*cking fit.
(Cut to Ted Lasso walking and texting on his phone)
Dr. Sharon: I was just checking in. See how you're feeling.
Ted: Oh, well, that's mighty nice of you. How am I feeling? I don't know, you know? I-- I'm just dealing with the terror of knowing what this world is about, you know? Watching a few good friends screaming to let them out.
Dr. Sharon: So, you're feeling under pressure?
Ted: Ba ba ba be doo...
Dr. Sharon: My door is always open.
Ted: Then why even have one? Heck, Coach Beard could take that thing out for ya Jack Torrance style with eight good whacks.
Coach Beard: Five good whacks. Lumberjack World Championship qualifier, baby!
Jeff: Let's round off the Premier League with Arsenal heading on the road to Newcastle, where 17-year-old Matthew Kerr will make his debut. They're calling him the Irish Ronaldo. What can we expect today?
George: Well, I think we can expect to see a commanding performance from the lad.
Jeff: Roy, what do you think he'll do today?
Roy: I don't know. He's 17. He'll probably have chips for dinner and a wank before bed.
Roy: All we do is sit around here and guess what a bunch of little pricks are gonna go and do out there, then we come back at halftime, and we complain 'cause they didn't do exactly what we thought they'd do. We don't know. Of course we don't know. We're not in the locker rooms with them. We're not on the pitch with them. We can't look 'em in the eyes and encourage them to be better than they ever thought they were capable of being. We're just... we're just on the outside looking in. Judging them.
Ticket Takers: Do you have a ticket? I can't let anyone in without a ticket.
Roy: I'm Roy Kent.
Ticket Taker: He does look like him. A little. Around the mouth.
Roy: Ah, for f*ck's sake. (goes to the ticket window) I believe you're holding a ticket for Reba McEntire.
Ticket Seller: Good to see you back, Reba.
S02E04 - Carol of the Bells (All Quotes)
Colin: A scarf. Cool. Bumbercatch, did you make this?
Bumbercatch: Yeah, man, knitting soothes me. Sorry. I didn't know everyone was doing booze.
Colin: Nah, mate. Cheers! This is great. I can wrap it around my booze.
Ted: Nate, is this a photo of you and me after our first win?
Ted: Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it. Look at that.
Keeley: "Ted, thank you for everything you've done for me. Nathan." What a lovely inscription...
Coach Beard: ...that you wrote completely over my head, face and body.
Coach Beard: Jane and I are going to a pagan Christmas ritual at Stonehenge.
Keeley: What? I thought you two broke up.
Coach Beard: We did, but we got the tickets before we broke up. So, we're going as friends. That's gonna be...
Keeley: Roy and I are celebrating a new tradition that I'm calling "Sexy Christmas." It's not gonna be like that. It's gonna be a swinging... a swinging Sinatra, Vegas-y type Christmas for adults where we get all dressed up, and we sip on martinis, sit by the fire... and then it's gonna be like that.
Ted: How you spending the rest of Santa's birthday?
Rebecca: I'm going to a Christmas party at a friend's house.
Keeley: What friend's that? First and last name, please.
Rebecca: Elton John.
Ted: Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer, Prancer and Vixen.
Rebecca: It's actually rather lovely. We just sing carols around Elton's piano, and hopefully Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig will do their puppet show again.
Ted: That sounds like double-O heaven to me.
Keeley: Why did Bernard get you toothpaste and mouthwash for Christmas, babe?
Phoebe: Because he told everyone my breath is rancid.
Roy: Right, where does Bernard live?
Keeley: Roy, we are not going to go beat up a little kid.
Roy: Why not?
Dani: My mother was very happy I wouldn't be alone on Christmas and insisted I bring a traditional Mexican ponche! If you want to be a little bit cheeky, you can put some tequila in it.
Julie: Dani, it already smells like it has tequila in it.
Dani: Yes, this one is pre-cheeked.
Roy: This isn't embarrassing. Embarrassing is me eating so much ice cream at a birthday party, knowing I'm no good with dairy, that I poop my pants on the bus. (pauses)
Keeley: Finish your story...
Roy: Three weeks ago.
Dani: We're not gonna make it. Tell my incredibly beautiful wife I love her.
Zoreaux: I'm not gonna do that, 'cause you'll tell her yourself. Then you're gonna hook me up with her identical, beautiful twin sister.
Sam: Why did you bring a date to the team Christmas party?
Richard: The French believe that having a beautiful woman around is always a good thing.
Jan Maas: That was not true with the Helter Skelter murders.
Child: Mom! There are two white people at the door and they're smiling!
Mother: Can I help you?
Rebecca: Good afternoon. We work for Santa Claus, and I believe he received this.
Child: My letter!
Rebecca: Yes, we're terribly sorry that your presents didn't arrive last night. But as elves we've been personally directed by Mr. and Mrs. Claus to deliver your presents this afternoon and to apologize for the delay. Am I forgetting anything?
Ted: Well, you see what happened was Rudolph's nose shined so brightly that it rendered me unable to see, and I was... I was delirious for several minutes. And I ended up putting this whole sack of goodies on the wrong sled. I mean, you know, ain't that nuts? Anyway, this bad boy's been around the world at least twice over the past day so? Yeah, you smell that? That's the Himalayas right there. That's all for you.
Child: Am I getting notes of Beijing?
Ted: I bet you are, yeah.
Tommy: Yo! Can I get an ussie?
Tommy: Not with you, mate. With Keeley. I mean, you're a legend at Chelsea but shit at Richmond. But Keeley Jones was a seminal figure throughout my teenage years.
Ted: How long have you been doing this?
Rebecca: For years, but then Rupert... You know, I should have done it last year, but I just sat by myself instead. Drinking and plotting horrible things.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Rebecca: Look, I know all too well how stunningly shitty the first Christmas after you get divorced can be. I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Ted: Yeah, well, I am now, you know. A lot better than I would have been if I just drank whiskey all day and watched It's a Wonderful Life on repeat. That could have gone dark.
Ted: You're willing to miss a puppet show by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz? 'Cause that sounds like a lot of fun.
Rebecca: Don't get me wrong, they are incredible. But all I really want to see those two do together is fu$k.
S02E03 - Do the Right-est Thing (All Quotes)
Ted: You new around here?
Nora: To planet Earth? No, I'm 13. But I'm also fairly certain this is my third life reincarnated.
Ted: Well, color me impressed... 'cause my third lap around this big blue marble I was nothing but a horsefly.
Nora: Oh, I've never seen a horse fly. Saw a horse pee once. That was a lot.
Ted: Yeah. Noisy too.
Ted: Hey, who's the new receptionist?
Sassy: That's Nora, my daughter.
Ted: Okay. Wait? Is she mine?
Sassy: Ted, we had sex like six months ago.
Ted: Right, right. Sorry. Yeah, bad math.
Sassy: And if memory serves, you finished on my...
Ted: I believe that Jamie's on a path to becoming a better man and I'm just here to help him along that journey. You know, think of me as his own personal Mr. Miyagi. Except without all that extra yard work. Yeah.
Jamie: I know I wasn't the greatest teammate. I did some shitty things. I said some shitty things. But I want each and every one of you to know that I'm truly sorry and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to make it up to ya. Yeah?
Colin: You called me a jaundiced worm.
Jamie: Right, yeah. And I'm sorry about that, Colin.
Colin: In a profile for my hometown paper.
Rebecca: We could go and see a show tonight. What about The Mouse Trap? You know that Agatha Christie play where someone dies every performance? Usually in the audience. Seeing as only old people go and see it.
Nora: Why do all their dolls have to be tragically orphaned? Edith's parents died in the war. Emma's had scurvy.
Rebecca: Yes. The Americans really do the historical doll concept better, don't they? Must be their innate sense of triumph, however misguided.
Nora: Yeah, but no one does the orphans better than us Brits.
Roy: Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It's bullshit. I didn't need a fu$king parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots. Watch this... Phoebe. Do you wanna come to my podiatrist appointment later?
Phoebe: Yes, please!
Shannon: When are you guys gonna finally win a match?
Ted: Geez louise, Shannon. Not even Beard comes at me that strong this early, you know? We like to start off with a little small talk, you know? Like, I'll say, "Hey, what's the word, Larry Bird?" Then he'll say...
Shannon: "Don't call me Larry Bird and when are we gonna finally win a fu$king match?"
Ted: Yeah. Like that.
Coach Beard: Jane and I took a big step forward in our relationship this weekend. We are now sharing an iCloud account. They call it digital intimacy.
Higgins: So if she found out that you downloaded a dating app...
Coach Beard: She would destroy my phone with pliers and a blowtorch. Yes.
Jamie: I had this dope idea last night during me eyebrow threading. I'm gonna buy the whole team PS5s. They'll fu$king love me.
Ted: Yeah, but, you know, some folks might also consider that buying affection, you know.
Jamie: Exactly. Yeah, what better thing to spend money on than love? Hey?
Ted: I think it's time for these young fellas to meet... That guy.
Coach Beard: No. No, no.
Ted: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Coach Beard: They don't need to meet that guy. They don't. Nobody does.
Ted: Don't worry, Coach. It's gonna be great. All right. I'll see you in a little bit.
Nathan: Who's "that guy"?
Coach Beard: Led Tasso.
Nathan: Who's Led Tasso?
Coach Beard: The last resort.
Sam: Well, it has come to my attention that Dubai Air's parent company, Cerithium Oil, is destroying Nigeria's environment. And at the same time bribing government officials to look the other way. I can't be the face of one of their subsidiaries.
Nora: Hell, yeah.
Led Tasso: Now start touching your toes! Touch your toes! Those are your feet fingers. Let's go, dummies. Touch your toes. And touch each other's toes!
Led Tasso: You heard me! Touch each other's toes! I don't wanna hear it. Hands on toes. Someone else's toes besides your own.
Colin: What muscle is this working?
Led Tasso: Don't worry about it. The only muscle I don't wanna see working right now is your mouth, Colin.
Led Tasso: What, you wanna make this ball your girlfriend? You gonna start taking it to places under your arm? Having people compliment how y'all look together? And then what? You start caressing it and playing with, like, the little air hole nub? Yeah? Messing around with that? Making out with it. Making it your girlfriend. Is that what you wanna do? hen when? You ask it to marry you? Y'all wanna be married to a ball?
Led Tasso: I hope y'all drank a lot of water today 'cause y'all are gonna be so dehydrated, that you're gonna look like one of them trees from a Tim Burton movie. I'm talking any Tim Burton movie! Even Dumbo! Even freaking Dumbo.
Sharon: Well, that was interesting.
Ted: Thank you, Doc. Yeah, little something we came up with back in Kansas. See, what we're doing is...
Sharon: You pretend to be an asshole. So the team make you their common enemy and not Jamie.
Ted: Yeah. Spot on.
Coach Beard: Oh, yeah. Got it right away.
Coach Beard: Maybe they don't have Chuck E. Cheese here.
Ted: Oh, yeah. Y'all might call it something different here. Like Charles Edgar Cheeserton III or something, right?
Coach Beard: He's a mouse but he's also a musician.
Ted: And he loves video games and pizza.
Nora: Hey, dick hole.
Rebecca: (types) "Dear Richard Cole."
Nora: You creepy old pedo.
Rebecca: (types) "My old friend."
Nora: Sam isn't going anywhere, asshole.
Rebecca: (types) "I have decided not to release Sam Obisanya."
Nora: You're a shitty old man with a tiny, shriveled penis. I feel sorry for your wife. Her life must be a constant hell.
Rebecca: (types) "Please give Daphne my love."
Nora: Sincerely, boss ass bitch.
Rebecca: (types) "Sincerely, boss ass bitch."
Sam: Dubai Air is owned by a horrible company. One that has turned the southern coast of Nigeria, my home, into a hellish, fiery swamp. I can no longer wear their name on my chest. Never again.
Issac: Give me the tape, bruv.
Arlo: The story everyone is talking about is the return of Jamie Tartt. Chris, will the Richmond faithful welcome him back?
Chris: Tough to say, Arlo. Supporters are a notoriously fickle bunch...
(Cut to fans at the local bar)
Fans: (chanting) Jamie Tartt, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, Jamie Tartt, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah, Jamie Tartt...
S02E02 - Lavender (All Quotes)
Phillip: We are lucky to have with us, here in the studio, loser, Jamie.
Jamie: Easy, Phillip. I'm not just a loser, I'm the loser.
Holly: Well, Jamie, look, first things first, will you keep your promise to Amy? Are you gonna wait for her?
Jamie: Nah, no. I was just playing a game, do you know what I mean? Find the fittest girl there, have sex with her in the toilet, ask her to marry ya. Strategy.
Jamie: The second that I found out that George Harrison had died, I realized that I had to stop waiting for life to begin. Start taking chances. Living life to the fullest.
Holly: But George Harrison died 20 years ago.
Jamie: Yeah, but I only just found out.
Phillip: So what's next for Jamie Tartt?
Jamie: Don't know. Back to Man City. If Pep will have me, that is.
Holly: It's funny you mention that 'cause we've got a clip. You might find this quite interesting.
(cut to clip)
Reporter: Any thoughts on Jamie Tartt and his future with Manchester City?
Vinai Ahuja: Yes, Jamie. You know, my wife and I thought he and Amy were meant for each other. But no, he won't be coming back to Man City. We wish him luck.
Coach Beard: Jane and I got in a fight last night, and she threw my keys in the river.
Ted: Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and... Actually, you know what? I'm starting to realize that Ol' Blue Eyes might've skewed mercurial.
Roy: I'm going to get the girls to run a 4-4-2 diamond formation 'cause that little Kokoruda girl is a fu#king beast in defense. Then I was going to cook you cordon bleu for dinner. Nigella says if you butterfly the chicken, it'll be more moist.
Keeley: I don't know what does it for me more, you mentioning Nigella or using the word "moist."
Ted: Hey, Higgins. Did you hire Dr. Sharon without running it by me first?
Higgins: Yes. I thought it couldn't hurt. But I should've asked you first, Ted. You're absolutely right.
Ted: No, I'm dead wrong. I mean, heck, you're Director of Football Operations. You gotta be able to make your own decisions. Still, you should've texted me first.
Higgins: That's 100% true.
Ted: No, 1,000% false! I mean, you're a busy man! Whatever path you think is best is gonna be best! Still, next time you have plans, I want you to run 'em by me first. Okay?
Higgins: No, I will not.
Ted: Good! Why should you? I ain't your daddy.
Jamie: What you mean no one wants me? I'm Jamie fu%king Tartt.
Manager: You're too much of a liability. You act like an asshole and disappear on Man City. Then you act like an asshole and cheat on Amy with Denise by having Jacuzzi sex. No one wants you.
Jamie: What about a team in Spain or Germany?
Manager: (picks up the phone) Hello, Real Madrid? Do you want Jamie Tartt? No. Okay, thank you. See?
Jamie: You weren't even speaking Spanish.
Tracy: Maybe it's time for you to focus on your television career.
Manager: This is Tracey, your new talent agent.
Tracy: You have an amazing offer for a new reality show in Ibiza. How do you feel about taking ecstasy every night for three straight weeks?
Sharon: That's very thoughtful, Coach Lasso. But I don't eat sugar.
Ted: Really? Wow. I've never met someone who doesn't eat sugar. Only heard about 'em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.
Ted: You ever been to a therapist, Rebecca?
Rebecca: What for? I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat. I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear... Being alone. Big whoop.
Phoebe: Is it time for trophies, Uncle Roy?
Roy: Yeah, yeah.
Ms. Bowen: Emily's mom bought everyone consolation trophies.
Roy: Must be nice to just burn cash. "Best dressed"? That's stupid. You're all wearing the same thing.
Roy: Look, when I was young, you got shouted at for losing.
Ms Bowen: Same. But then, tough love never bothered me. As long as I knew the coach gave a shit.
Roy: (to the team) Oy! It has been an honor coaching all of you. I do hope you'll come back and play next year. But only if you fu*king mean it!
(The girls giggle)
Roy: Fine. I will try it once. But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of children to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
Keeley: I look forward to the attention.
Jamie: I named him Ted. After Ted Danson.
Ted: All-time great. You know, from Cheers to Curb to The Good Place. What a career. I mean, he's basically the male version of Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Jamie: Who's like the female version of Dave Grohl.
Ted: Yeah. All three of them got that Midas touch, don't they?
Ted: I've noticed that sometimes having a tough dad is exactly what drives certain fellas to become great at what they do. You know, I hear Bono's father was a real piece of work. But then again, so was Joshua Tree, so you know?
Ted: How come every time I look back there it's like she's getting closer and closer?
Coach Beard: Optical illusion induced by your mistrust of her profession?
Ted: Metaphor, huh?
Coach Beard: Bingo, Ringo.
Ted: There ain't nothing going on out here on this field that I can do better than any of y'all. Unless you break into a game of "finish that Jimmy Buffett lyric." Then I'll be changing your latitudes and attitudes left, right and center.
Roy: (on the phone) What if everyone thinks I'm shit?
Keeley: Since when do you care what people think? You're Roy fu%king Kent.
Producer: (interrupting) Ready for Mr. Kent.
Roy: I gotta go. Thank you.
Keeley: Kill 'em. Roy-o!
Jeff Stelling: Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea legend joins us. Welcome, Roy.
Jeff: Right, what did you think? Did your former club play well?
Roy: No. I thought they played like shit.
Jeff: Our apologies to the viewing audience. Roy Kent with some salty language. Would you care to elaborate, Roy?
Roy: All right. Chelsea was shit today. They were shocking. Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home. They were too timid. They were too respectful of United. They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten.
Chris Kamara: That's harsh, Roy. United's been on a good run recently.
Roy: Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em. You could see it in their faces: Abject terror. Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas. Have some fu*king pride in your shirt or don't fu*king wear it.
Ted: Higgins, as a founding member of the Diamond Dogs, it breaks our little bowwow hearts to see you wandering around this building. A man without a desk. So we'd like to ask you to move in with us down here with my man, Nate.
S02E01 - Goodbye Earl (All Quotes)
Arlo: A hush falls over Nelson Road... With the exception of Richmond's venerable mascot, Earl Greyhound, howling his encouragement. Will Dani Rojas deliver the good boy their first win of the season?
Dani: Please, please, please, please. Come on, Dani. Football is life.
(Dani kicks the ball and kills the team mascot)
Nathan: Oh, no. Oh, my God. I promise that's not what I wished for.
Rebecca: That poor creature. It's so tragic.
Higgins: Awful turn of events.
Rebecca: You don't think that people will hate us because of it, do you?
Higgins: Well, it was obviously a horrible accident, but I guess that one perk of being in a lower division now is that not every game is televised.
Rebecca: Yes, but, Higgins, the Internet.
Ted: When I was three years old, I got attacked by our neighbor's dog. I-I don't remember it happening, but my mother said it was pretty-- pretty scary, you know. I do remember being afraid of dogs while growing up though. Like if I was at a friend's house for a sleepover or something, they'd have to keep their family dog outside, otherwise I'd bawl my eyes out. Then in high school, our neighbor, Mr. Grady, well, his wife passed away. And he was real sad about that, as you can imagine, and he just kinda stopped taking care of their dog. Same one that bit me. His name was Hank. And so I started looking after him, you know. Feeding him, taking him on walks, playing fetch, all that fun stuff. Eventually, Mr. Grady's son moved his dad into a nursing home, and he asked if I wanted to keep Hank, and I was like, "Yeah. Heck, yeah." And then a year or so after that we had to put Hank to sleep. It's funny to think about the things in your life... that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they're now gone. I think those things come into our lives... to help us get from one place to a better one. And I hope we helped Earl do just that. We gonna miss him around here a whole bunch.
Ted: Hey, Dani. What ya doing?
Dani: (In the shower) Washing the death off of me.
Ted: Well, I-- I recommend you use a little soap. Helps get the eternal rest out of those tough-to-reach places, you know.
Colin: Oh, it means to forget our mistakes and failures and just move on.
Jan: But I didn't make any mistakes. Only you played poorly.
Sam: Hey, guys, Jan Maas is not being rude. He's just being Dutch.
Ted: I'm telling you, all these ties are my fault. It's straight up celestial payback for the Man City game. There I was wishing and hoping for a freaking tie, and now the karma police are making good on showing me what I get when I mess with them.
Ted: (about Roy) He knows he's always got a ticket waiting for him at will call?
Ted: And don't forget, I don't put it under his name. I don't want folks messing with him. It's under an alias. Like, last week it was Loretta Lynn, this week was Dolly Parton, and next week is, if I remember correctly, Shania Twain.
Roy: (to his 8-year old girls football team) You listen to me! You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye, 'cause today, you all played like a bunch of little pricks! You hear me?
Team: Yes, Coach!
Roy: Except for Kokoruda. Way to put your body on the line out there.
Litle Girl: You know it, Coach.
Roy: All right, Monika's mum brought orange slices. Don't eat the peels, you animals. Off you go.
Roy: I see friends all the time.
Keeley: I know. You got your yoga mums. Don't you ever want anything more than sitting in child's pose, getting buzzed on rose, and gossiping about reality TV with a bunch of women that know nothing about you?
Roy: No, I love it.
Roy: I don't wanna be a fu#king football pundit, sat on fu%king telly in a dumb fu%king suit like a know-it-all twat. It's a shit job for shit people. I'd rather shit out my own fu^king mouth than do that fu$king shit.
Keeley: Got it.
Rebecca: So this chap I've been seeing... John.
Ted: (excited) Stamos?
Rebecca: No, his name's John Wingsnight... but that's not the point.
Ted: Now hold on a second. His name's John Wingsnight? Like at a sports bar? Like, "Monday night's wings night down at PJ Flatts," like that?
Rebecca: Ted, would you please stop?
Ted: Rule number one: Even though it's called "girl talk," sometimes it needs to be more like, "Girl, listen."
Ted: Dani, what happened between you and Earl, that wasn't your fault, you know. You suffered an unlikely and tragic coincidence. Not too dissimilar from those seen throughout Paul Thomas Anderson's 1999 opus, Magnolia.
Dani: Is that Tom Cruise with a little, tiny ponytail?
Ted: No, Dani. I think you're thinking about The Last Samurai.
Coach Beard: He's got a little, tiny ponytail in Magnolia too, Coach.
Ted: Oh, thank you, Coach. My apologies, Dani. Tom Cruise was rocking a little, tiny ponytail in both those films.
Nathan: If Dani needs motivation, we could always just show him his goddamn paycheck.
Ted: I mean, that's a tad aggressive, you know. But hey, I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm, so I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate.
Coach Beard: I think we already know what it is, don't we, Coach?
Ted: What you talking about, Willis?
Coach Beard: (holds up a clipboard with "The Yips" written on it)
Ted: Hey, you're not supposed to say that out loud.
Coach Beard: Which is why I wrote it down.
Nathan: What are the yips?
Coach Beard: It's when, just out of nowhere, an athlete suddenly can't do the basic fundamentals of their sport.
Ted: Yeah, you know, like Chuck Knoblauch's throw to first, or Charles Barkley's golf swing. You guys know what I mean... (no response)... Sometimes being here is like living in a foreign country.
John: And now, we're nose-to-nose with one another, and half of me is thinking, "Just kick this jerk in the balls and when he bends over, give him a knee to the nose and be done with it, 'cause screw this guy." And the other half of me is thinking, "But it's Martin Short. You love Martin Short." Well, the next thing you know, this tiny American woman says, "Is that it?" And sure enough, there it was, wedged between the couch cushions, Martin Short's wallet.
Rebecca: Martin Short's wallet. I mean, he didn't steal it.
John: Can I just say that your retirement speech was amazing. It's the first time my father's forwarded me an e-mail in the last five years that wasn't about the scourge of immigration. And that really meant a lot to me, so thank you.
Mae: Shame what happened to Earl. Him and his owner, Nigel, used to come in here all the time, till he started shitting and pissing all over the place.
Ted: Yeah. Nah, that's pretty common with older dogs.
Mae: No, I'm talking about Nigel.
Ted: I'm all for whatever it takes to help Dani get back to being a hundred. But this whole idea of bringing in someone from the outside to help us get him there, I don't know, it just kinda puts a little knot in my belly. I'm not sure why.
Coach Beard: Sounds like it might be your favorite Gin Blossoms song.
Ted: "Follow You Down"?
Coach Beard: No, "Hey Jealousy."
Ted: No, "Hey Jealousy" is their best song. My favorite song of theirs is "Follow You Down." You don't know that story?
Coach Beard: Uuhhhh...
Coach Beard: Do you remember what you said when I got dumped by that cruise ship dancer and swore I would never date another dancer again?
Ted: "Can I have your tap shoes?"
Coach Beard: "All people are different people."
Ted: I said that? That's pretty good.
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: You went out with another dancer though?
Coach beard: Many. Too many.
Roy: Most people are fine. But it's not about him. It's about why the fu$k you think he deserves you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by lightning. Don't you dare settle for fine. Not that it's any of my business.
John: And remember, this is when tickets to Stomp were tough to get. Anyway, this tall redhead pushes in front of me, so I tap him on the shoulder, he turns around and goes, "Is there a problem?" I go, "Yeah, there's a problem." He goes, "It's all right. It's all right. I know the choreographer." Guess who it was?
S01E10 - The Hope that Kills You (All Quotes)
Roy: Not sure if you know this, but the rules say you gotta pick a new captain.
Ted: No, sir. You're my captain. That's the rule.
Roy: No. The captain has to be on the pitch. That's the rule.
Ted: I say that the current captain has to pick the new captain. That's my new rule.
Roy: Don't want to.
Ted: Well, you have to.
Roy: I decline.
Ted: I insist.
Roy: Can't make me.
Ted: Roy Kent, until you choose your successor, your duties as captain of this squad remain unfulfilled.
Roy: This is why it's hard to love you.(Roy leaves)
Ted: You heard it, right?
Coach Beard: He loves you.
Sam: Coach, do they not have relegation in America?
Ted: Oh, no, no, no.
Isaac: So what happens to all the shit teams at the end of the season?
Ted: They play out the rest of the schedule, going through the motions in meaningless games contested in lifeless, half-empty stadiums, and everyone's pretty much fine with that. That sound about right, Coach?
Coach Beard: Yeah, it's dumb.
Jamie Tartt: Well, I'd never say a bad word about me old club... even though I did carry them through every match. But they're good lads. Apart from Roy Kent. He is a knob. You know, and it's nice to have a real manager like Pep, instead of that American rodeo clown. You know, Lasso sent me away, now they're facing the drop. Sunday, I get to put the final nail in the ashes. Instant karma, it's gonna get ya.
Ted: Okay, so if the Premier League is the best, then what's the league called right below it?
Coach Beard: The Championship.
Ted: Now, hold on one second. So if you come in last place in the Premier League, you get to play in the Championship?
Coach Beard: They also invented irony.
Nathan: There is a scenario where Crystal Palace beat Norwich by six goals, and we avoid relegation with just a tie.
Ted: No, no, no. Nope. Sorry. No. I hate ties, Nate. How many times I gotta tell you that? They ain't natural, all right? If God wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers, all right?
Ted: Well, hello, Nelson. Let me introduce you to another Nelson right here. I think you two will hit it off just fine, 'cause you're both so damn pessimistic!
Coach Beard: I believe the gentleman is suggesting that we are a pair of Negative Nellies.
Rebecca: There's a great saying in Dutch football.
Ted: Oh, I don't speak Dutch.
Rebecca: That's why I was going to tell you in English.
Ted: Perfect. Lay it on me.
Rebecca: "Every disadvantage has its advantage."
Ted: Ooh, I like that.
Rebecca: Sure, you don't know what you're doing, but doesn't that mean that you see the game in a different way than any other football manager? And shouldn't that empower you to cause complete and utter confusion?
Ted: Cause confusion or create chaos. Yep. Yes, it is. Thanks, boss.
(Quickly runs out of the office and hits his head on the top of the door)
Ted: I'm fine. The chaos has already begun.
Ted: Today's lesson is "trick plays." At least, that's what we call 'em back home. What do they call 'em here again?
Coach Beard: Elaborate set pieces.
Ted: Yeah, we gonna stick with "trick plays." That's a lot more fun. Now, the idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them. Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii. So, I want y'all to think about every single trick play you have ever run your entire time playing this sport. Anybody got one? Yeah, Dani, what you got?
Dani: When I played for Tigres, we had a great set piece.
Ted: Did it have a name?
Dani: "The Sandman."
Ted: Yeah. Now we're cooking. "The Sandman." We're gonna learn that play today. Who else got one?
Sam: "Pepper Shakers."
Ted: "Pepper Shakers"? Yeah, plural. Gotta be two.
Colin: "Beckham's Todger."
Ted: Beckham, I know. Todger, I don't know.
Coach Beard: It's dirty.
Zoreaux: "Midnight Poutine."
Coach Beard: That's not dirty. It's just super Canadian.
Player: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Ted: Oh, with Dick Van Dyke. The owner of one of the most authentic English accents in the history of cinema. What do you got?
Player: "The Broken Tap."
Ted: All right. That's not a complaint, that's an actual play name?
Player: Think Man City will leak a lot of goals from it.
All Players: Whooaa!
Ted: Oh. Nice. Yeah?
Another Player: "Loki's Toboggan."
Another Player: "The Upside-Down Taxi."
Another Player: "Hadrian's Wall."
Another Player: "Dirty Martini."
Ted: Oh, I'd love to run that play three times right now. I love it. Do me a favor and toss "Lasso Special" up there just for the heck of it too.
Jamie: Look, Keeley. When you're done feeding mushy peas to this old fart, then you give me a call. Look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Enjoy the view from the bench.
Roy: Well, now I want mushy peas.
Ted: So I've been hearing this phrase y'all got over here that I ain't too crazy about. "It's the hope that kills you." Y'all know that? I disagree, you know? I think it's the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief. Now, where I'm from, we got a saying too, yeah? A question, actually. "Do you believe in miracles?" Now, I don't need y'all to answer that question for me... but I do want you to answer that question for yourselves. Right now. Do you believe in miracles? And if you do... then I want y'all to circle up with me right now. Come on. Let's go.
(Players cheer and get in a circle)
Announcer: Obisanya with an inch-perfect through ball. Winchester was clearly offside.
Ted: Come on, now! Explain to me how that's offside.... No, I'm serious. How is that offside? I don't understand that yet.
Announcer: Here comes Lasso's assistant coach to review their tactics. What chess moves do they have in store?
Coach Beard: When the vinegar was next to the Heineken, they weren't offside. It's not when the vinegar catches the ball, it's when ketchup passes the ball.
Ted: Yes, I understand now.
Ted: I don't want to hear about any other game going on any other place. Okay? Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain't nobody here gonna kiss their sister.
Ted: Which is an American phrase that I'm now realizing does not exist here, and that's good, 'cause it's creepy, and I hate it myself, I don't know why I said it. I think it's just the adrenaline, the nerves and all that. But we are playing for a win. Win and in. You hear?
Ted: Hey. Y'all played a heck of a game out there. We may not have won, but y'all definitely succeeded. I mean, you gave the champs 90 minutes of hell. Zoreaux, where you at? That dude had more saves than a Baptist preacher. Give it up for Zoreaux. Yeah. (applause) That's right. What about Roy? Roy chased down his grandson. Stopped him from getting an easy one.
Ted: I want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain't nobody in this room alone.
Ted: Sam, do you remember what animal has the shortest memory?
Sam: A goldfish.
Ted: That's right. It's a goldfish. Sam, what do you think we should all do once we get done being sad and/or angry about this situation?
Sam: I think we should all be a goldfish.
Ted: I agree. Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together. And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish. Onward. Forward.
Ted: The teams that get relegated, they can get un-relegated, yeah?
Rebecca: They can get promoted.
Ted: So then, next year we get ourselves a promotion, which looks good on any resume. Then we come back to this league and... we do something that no one believes we could ever do. Win the whole fu&king thing.
S01E09 - All Apologies (All Quotes)
Ted: You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?
Rebecca: It's a profile on women in football. It's not a big deal. There's, like, four of us: me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.
Ted: Oh, come on, now. Being a role model's a huge deal. Don't you realize that there's probably a little girl out there somewhere rocking a tiny eggplant-colored power suit, and she's just dreaming about becoming a sports executive someday.
Ted: Hey, did those marketing folks from Tom Ford ever get back to you?
Keeley: Yeah, they did. They said they're gonna stick with the models they already have.
Ted: Aw, nuts.
Keeley: I know. But they did say that if they ever do an everyman campaign or something satirical, your name's on their list.
Rebecca: (referring to the equipment room) My God, it smells of feet in here. I mean, it just... it just hits you immediately, doesn't it? It's hot. Like feet funk, right up your nose. Can you smell it?
Rebecca: Imagine doing something unforgivable to someone who doesn't deserve it and then having to look them in the eye and tell them what you've done.
Keeley: I don't have to imagine. I've done it. Year Eight, I took a shit in Joanna Wellington's locker. I apologized, I was uninvited to her birthday party, and then we patched it up a week later. Just fu$king tell him.
Rebecca: Sorry, why did you do a shit in her locker?
Keeley: I don't know. I was 13. What? Teenage girls are, like, mysterious and dark and dangerous.
Nathan: (Walks in on Rebecca and Keeley in the equipment room) Sorry. Um, wow. I know women like shoes, but, girls, come on, this is silly. (laughs nervously) Sorry, that was really sexist. Um, I just wasn't expecting there to be anyone in here. Um, but you are in here, and that's great. Take as long as you need.
Trent: Trent Crimm, The Independent.
Ted: Ah, yes. That's the one. Okay. What's your question, Trent?
Trent: Many of your young players have improved during your tenure. Then there's Roy Kent. He played dismally last match. Thoughts?
Ted: Well, I think you could ask Roy himself. He'd tell you it wasn't his best day. But I'll let you know right now that Roy Kent is the backbone of this team.
Ted: All right, let's mix it up in here a little. If you're an introvert, I want y'all to raise your hand. You guys get the next few questions. (several reporters raise hands) Ah! That was a trick! If y'all were really introverts, you would've been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won't shut up.
Ted: Hi, guys. What's up?
Coach Beard: Please have a seat.
Ted: Okay. I feel like y'all are about to do some improv comedy or tell me that you're dating each other. Either one's cool with me. 'Cause your suggestion is ally.
Coach Beard: We have to take Roy out of the starting lineup.
Ted: I see. Okay.
Coach Beard: It wasn't just one bad game, Coach.
Nathan: He's showing his age, and he's made significant mistakes in each of the last five matches. We just haven't been bitten in the ass by them yet.
Coach Beard: But yesterday our butts had teeth marks. Deep ones. The kind you usually have to pay for.
Rebecca: Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I'm just gonna... get straight to the point. No faffing around, 'cause that's just annoying, and definitely no procrastinating. Procrast... Procrast... That's a good word, isn't it? Procrastinating. Pro... Procrastinating. Huh. I wonder what the etymology of that word is. Obviously, "pro," very good, but "crast"? Crast... I have no idea. Hey! Why don't we look it up?
Rebecca: (to Rupert) You're nearly 70, and you're having a baby? I mean, what are you, a character from the fu#king Bible? When your kid hits puberty, you'll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card.
Rebecca: I have something I need to tell you.
Ted: Mm. Deja vu.
Rebecca: I'm a fu*king bitch. Nope, that's new. Ted, I lied to you. I hired you because I wanted this team to lose. I wanted you to fail, and I sabotaged you every chance I've had. It was me who hired that photographer to take the photo of you and Keeley. I set up the interview with Trent Crimm, hoping that he would humiliate you. And I instigated the transfer of Jamie Tartt, even though you'd asked me not to. This club is all that Rupert has ever cared about, and I wanted to destroy it. To cause him as much pain and suffering as he has caused me. And I didn't care who I used or who I hurt. All you good people just trying to make a difference. (sobbing) Ted, I'm so sorry.
Rebecca: If you want to quit or call the press, I'll completely understand.
Ted: I forgive you.
Rebecca: You... What? Why?
Ted: Divorce is hard. It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if... you're the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things. Hell, I'm coaching soccer for heaven's sake. In London. (laughs) I mean, that's nuts. But this job you gave me has changed my life. It gave me the distance I needed to see what was really going on. Yeah, but you and me... We're okay.
Ted: All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain't warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.
Sam: Oh, food poisoning is no joke. One time, I was being sick, and at the same time, I was having diarrhea.
Ted: Mm. Yep. That'll happen. Anybody else wanna share?
Dani: To be able to do both those things at the same time? The body is a miracle.
Ted: Yeah. Good perspective. I appreciate that.
Ted: (to Coach Beard) All right. I see what's going on here. This is about Roy, ain't it? So you gonna give me the cold shoulder and the silent treatment. That's a combo. Does it come with a medium drink?
Ted: Oh. I saw this video online of a, um, a kitten and a little baby chicken becoming friends and just hanging out together. It was... Well, here, let me show it to you. I got it right here.
Roy: What's this about?
Ted: It's funny, 'cause whenever my mom has something tough to talk about with me, she'll, um... you know, she'll start it off saying something about, I don't know, something weird, something overtly nice. And, uh, yeah, I just thought the idea of a cat and a bird being all simpatico was nice. Look, Roy, we've been talking about the starting lineup against Man City...
Roy: Don't you dare. You're not fu#king benching me.
Rebecca: There are a lot of surprises happening here. Like that tiny little beard.
Higgins: It's called a Van Dyke after the 17th century Flemish painter.
Rebecca: Oh. Right.
Higgins: And I think it makes me look how I feel. Chill.
Rebecca: How does Mrs. Higgins feel about it?
Higgins: She hates it with a white-hot intensity.
Roy: Roy Kent has been the best player on every team he's been on since he was a kid. I like being Roy Kent. I don't know if I can handle just being some loser has-been called Roy. "All right, Roy?" Yeah. "What you been up to?" Fu*k all.
Keeley: God. I think men who feel sorry for themselves are so sexy.
Roy: Stop it.
Keeley: No, seriously. I do. And if you start telling me how hard it is playing a game for a living, I think I might come.
Ted: Hey. Who put a firecracker up your butt and lit it?
Coach Beard: You did! And I'm sick of it. Look, I understood this mission when we were in Kansas. But those were kids and these are professionals and winning does matter to them. And it matters to me. And that's okay. Ain't that right, Mae?
Mae: A-fu#king-men it is.
Coach Beard: How do you not get it? Losing has repercussions. We lose, we get relegated. We get relegated, this is over and we will have built nothing. And if you wanna pick a player's feelings over a coach's duty to make a point... I don't wanna drink with someone that selfish.
(Beard walks away, but is stopped by his ex-girlfriend Jane who is playing chess with another man)
Jane: That was the sexiest fu&king thing I've ever seen in my life.
Coach Beard: Get your things. (to Jane's chess partner) She's been toying with you. (moves a chess piece) Checkmate, mate.
Roy: Told my niece I might not be playing. She asked if we could go get ice cream.
Ted: Well, hey, at least you had someone you could talk to, right? How was the ice cream?
Roy: Good. It's fu*king ice cream.
Ted: Yeah, right? Ice cream's the best. It's kinda like seeing Billy Joel perform live, you know? It never disappoints. It does give me the toots though. The ice cream, not Billy Joel.
Ted: I promised myself I was never gonna watch Fresh Prince again when they swapped out Aunt Vivs. But truth be told, as long as they let Carlton do his thing, I was always gonna take a minute and just sit right there.
Ted: Alfonso Ribeiro, the greatest physical comedian of the 19th, 20th and 21st century. Case in point right here. (dances the Carleton) Iconic, yeah?
Roy: I never know how to react when a grown man does the Carlton in front of me.
Ted: You could see a silhouette doing this, you know exactly what it is, you know exactly who's doing it. It is the one, the only, Alfonso...
Nathan: I know now's not the best time, Coach, but I have been feeling physically sick since walking away from you the other day. Plus last night, I had a horrible nightmare that I was pecking you to death like a crow. I'm so sorry.
Ted: It's okay, Nate. We're all good in the hood, all right? But hey, but do me a favor. Try to apologize to me in your dream so we're good on that side of things too.
S01E08 - The Diamond Dogs (All Quotes)
Ted: Okay, look. I'm gonna tell you something but then I don't wanna talk about it ever again, okay?
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: I'm serious. I don't want to make jokes about it. I don't want you giving me any knowing glances. You know what I mean? Okay.
Coach Beard: Okay.
Ted: Last night, I... I slept with Rebecca's friend Sassy.
Coach Beard: Want to talk about it?
Ted: I'd love to. Yeah. Immediately.
Ted: Tell you what, I gotta get you all some satin jackets made, with "Ted Lasso's Personal Dilemma Squad" embroidered on the back there. That's a clunky name. There's gotta be something better here. Let me think. I know. How about the "EQ Warriors"?
Coach Beard: The "Knights of Support"?
Higgins: Nah. Sounds like a brand of jockstrap. The "Proud Boys"?
(Nathan vomits in a bucket)
Nathan: What about the "Diamond Dogs"?
Ted: Attaboy, Nate. Diamond Dogs it is.
Ted: I wanna thank you again for being there for me up in Liverpool.
Rebecca: It was nothing, Ted.
Ted: No, no. It was something. You got a coupon for life, young lady. Yeah. I got your back. Think of me as your own personal metaphorical Saint Bernard. You don't need to be dealing with a metaphorical avalanche to avail yourself to the metaphorical bourbon hanging around my neck.
Keeley: In my experience, I've always found that endorsements work best if you really believe in the product. So, I can find good opportunities for you guys if you let me know what you're into.
Colin: I love Air Jordans. I'd fu$k a pair of Jordans.
Keeley: All right. So, athletic wear then, yeah?
Sam: I'm into issue-oriented products. You know, pro-environment or anti-pollution. That kind of thing. Oh, and also Air Jordans. But I don't want to sleep with them.
Keeley: Isaac, what about you?
Keeley: So, sweets and chocolate then?
Issac: No. Just Rolos, yeah? And none of that Sour Patch bullshit either, yeah?
Roy: Look, me and Keeley might be starting up a thing, but every time I think about her, all I think about is Jamie fu$king Tartt.
Ted: Sounds to me like someone's trapped inside life's most complicated shape. A love triangle. Second place of course is the "I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit" dodecahedron.
Roy: Does my face look like it's in the mood for shape-based jokes?
Ted: No, Roy, it does not. But, in my defense, it rarely does.
Nathan: Okay, so this is about you and Keeley, right?
Coach Beard: Saw this coming.
Higgins: Nothing like the early days of courtship.
Roy: Okay, this is my fu*king nightmare.
Ted: I think the idea of you and Keeley is like cookies and cream. And I think we all agree, two great tastes that go great together, right?
Ted: Sure, Roy here has slept with a bunch of different people in his past. But Keeley's got her own romantic and sexual history that predates Roy. And that's not okay!
Nathan: Oh, he means the opposite. I love it when Coach does sarcasm.
Roy: I can't control my feelings.
Ted: Well, then by all means you should let them control you.
Higgins: He's doing it again.
Ted: Good eye. Look, Roy, all this Chandler Bing-ing aside, do me a favor. Don't let her past muck around with y'all's future, okay?
Roy: She slept with him last night.
Nathan: I mean, are you two officially dating?
Higgins: Have you already slept together?
Ted: Coach, you wanna bring this home?
Coach Beard: Grow up and get over it.
Ted: The Diamond Dogs have struck again.
All Except Roy: (howling and barking)
Roy: You're all pricks.
Keeley: Right. The product you'd most like to get into business with is joy?
Dani: Si. Mucho, mucho joy.
Keeley: I don't know if I can get you paid for that though, Dani.
Dani: I like to give away joy for free.
Keeley: Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman insert on Sunday. Could you please elaborate on the hip movement that makes your penis feel like it has a curve in it?
Roy: Right, no more questions. We'll see you on the pitch.
Ted: So, Rupert, y'all take your darts over here pretty seriously, huh? This and... what's the billiard game y'all do that sounds like a brand of cookies?
Ted: That's it. That's the one, yup. Boy, I'd love to curl up on a couch under a weighted blanket, watch You've Got Mail and devour a box of Snookers.
Roy: (explaining) I do yoga with a group of women in their 60s. They have no idea who I am, it's twice a week and it's really good for my core. Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's been going through a divorce and she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam. We all ended up at G-A-Y till 2:00 a.m. and then we had crepes in Balham with some drag queens. Like I said, it's private.
Keeley: I'm gonna kiss you now. Unless it's gonna make you run away again.
(Paparazzo takes photos of Roy and Keeley kissing...)
Roy: Where's your manners? You're supposed to ask before you take something.
(Takes the man's memory card)
Roy: For example, may I take this?
Roy: Well, I'm fu$king taking it. (Gives the memory card to Keeley) Here. It's pictures of our first date.
Ted: Mae, what do I need to win?
Mae: Two triple-twenties and a bulls-eye.
Rupert: (laughs) Good Luck.
Ted: You know, Rupert, guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman and it was painted on the wall there. It said, "Be curious, not judgmental." I like that.
(Throws a triple 20)
Ted: So I get back in my car and I'm driving to work, and all of a sudden it hits me. All them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them were curious. They thought they had everything all figured out. So they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realized that their underestimating me... who I was had nothing to do with it. 'Cause if they were curious, they would've asked questions. You know? Questions like, "Have you played a lot of darts, Ted?"
(Throws another triple 20)
Ted: To which I would've answered, "Yes, sir. Every Sunday afternoon at a sports bar with my father, from age ten till I was 16, when he passed away." Barbecue sauce.
(Throws a bulls-eye)
Ted: Good game, Rupert.
Ted: Fellas, I could watch you do this jaunty North Korean military thing you do all day, but I need a favor.
Sam: We'll die for you, Coach!
Ted: That's a little dramatic, Sam, but I see how you got there with me invoking the military and all.
S01E07 - Make Rebecca Great Again (All Quotes)
Keeley: I just want to say up front that I'm really flattered you asked me to come this weekend.
Rebecca: Oh. Come on now.
Keeley: But, hey, we're both single. I think you are super hot. If I'm gonna dip my toe back into the lady pool, I can't think of a finer body of water to do it with than you.
Ted: Obviously we're bummed out that O'Brien tore his butt.
O'Brien: It's my upper hamstring, Coach.
Ted: You tore your butt, son. There's nothing to be ashamed of, okay? It happens. People tear their butts all the time in athletics. You're not alone, man. (To COach Beard) Hey, Coach, you've torn your butt a few times, right?
Coach Beard: Three times.
Ted: All right, fellas, we got team meal in an hour. After that, it's either gonna be movie night or a pillow fight. What's it gonna be this time around?
All: Movie night.
Ted: All right. But I tell you what, y'all say "pillow fight" one time, and we'll never watch another movie together again.
Ted: Room 5150. Finally. Sammy Hagar, greatest lead singer in Van Halen history... In the post-David Lee Roth era.
Coach Beard: Thank you.
Ted: Coach, what room you got?
Coach Beard: 5148.
Both: Howdy, neighbor.
Ted: I'm just asking for your opinion. You understand that, yeah?
Ted: And you got one, yes?
Ted: Locked, loaded, ready to rip? Let me hear it.
Ted: Why not? What are you afraid's gonna happen if you tell me?
Nathan: That you won't like my idea and it makes you hate me. Then you fire me. Then I have to move back in with my parents and they'll be ashamed of me. Then everyone finds out back home and laughs at me until my face melts off. Excuse me. (leaves)
Coach Beard: Well, at least he didn't stammer.
Concierge: Right, how can I help you?
Sassy: Well, I was gonna go out for a smoke and hope my friend picks up the check while I was gone. Then I saw Magnum, P.I. in line, figured I'd flirt with him as well. See what happens, you know?
Concierge: Oh, well, good luck.
Sassy: Yeah, I think I fu*ked it.
Concierge: I... I actually get off in about 30 minutes if you'd like to, uh... (she leaves) Of course not, why would you?
Nathan: (To Isaac) I've noticed of late... that you've been playing like a big, dumb pussy.
Issac: What the fu$k did you say to me, bruv?
Nathan: You're more concerned about looking tough than actually being tough. There's a way to be intimidating without being physical. I hope you don't mind me saying.
Nathan: (to Sam) You're constantly getting beat on the wings. It's 'cause you're indecisive. You second-guess more than a shitty psychic. The only African I know more imprisoned by their own thoughts is goddamn Nelson Mandela.
Nathan: (to Colin) You and all your fancy step over bullshit. Let me ask you this. Do you wax your pubes?
Nathan: Did I stutter, dickhead? Do you wax your pubes? Yes or no.
Nathan: Then why are you always trying to play like a Brazilian?
Dani: Whoo! Roast me, amigo.
Nathan: All right. You say that football is life, right?
Dani: Football is life.
Nathan: Yeah, well, then your defense is death. The only person I've seen lose their man more often is Carrie fu*king Bradshaw.
Nathan: (to Roy) The great Roy Kent. You're old now. And slow. And your focus drifts. But your speed and your smarts were never what made you who you are. It's your anger. That's your superpower. That's what made you one of the best midfielders in the history of this league. But I haven't seen it on the pitch at all this season, Roy. I mean, you used to run like you were angry at the grass. You'd kick the ball like you'd caught it fu$king your wife, for Christ's sake. But that anger doesn't come out anymore when you play. But it's still in there. And I'm afraid of what it's gonna do to you if you just keep it all for yourself.
(Roy rips a bench off the wall)
Roy: Let's go get these fu$kers.
Ted: (To Nathan) See? Told you it'd be fun.
S01E06 - Two Aces (All Quotes)
Ted: You know, it's okay, 'cause it's a great time now for me to, you know, bury myself in my work here. And so... Although, I'm not crazy... I don't love the word "bury," you know what I mean? It's just got a negative connotation to it, don't it? What's another word I could say? Everyone loves a good bath, right? Just a nice warm bath, right? Yeah? So that's what I'll say. I'll say, "I'm gonna bathe myself in work."
Ted: (To Jamie Tartt) If you can't practice, you can't practice. If you're hurt, you're hurt. It's as simple as that. But it ain't about that... at all. You're sitting in here. You're supposed to be the franchise player. And yet here we are, talking about you missing practice. We're talking about practice. You understand me? Practice. Not a game. Not a game. Not the game you go out there and die for. Right? Play every weekend like it's your last, right? No, we're talking about practice, man. Practice! You know you're supposed to be out there. You know you're supposed to lead by example. You're just shoving that all aside. And so here we are, Jamie. We're talking about practice. Not a game. Not the game. We're talking about practice, with your team. With your teammates. The only place we get to play together, we got control over. Rest of the time it's us 11 against those 11. We're talking about practice, man! I'm talking about practice! And you can't do it 'cause you're hurt. Right? It's fine by me. Tell you what. Do me a favor. When you get out there, set up the cones so the other reserves can do a little passing drill.
Ted: You are a spirited fellow Dani. Just go on out there, and get the striker spot for us, okay?
Dani: Yes! Just like back in Guadalajara, you say it, I do it, Coach. Football is life!
Ted: I like him.
Ted: One more person says something that me and Beard don't understand, I'm gonna have one of my son's classic temper tantrums. It's basically just him calling me a bunch of silly names, you know, like, I don't know, "dummy head" or "poo-poo face" or "poo-poo dummy" or... I don't know. What am I missing?
Coach Beard: "Pee-pee fingers."
Sam: Coach, is it true in America you guys have so many beautiful dogs in pounds that some get put down for no reason?
Ted: That is true, Sam. But it's also something a lot of female singer-songwriters are trying to change.
Ted: I don't know about curses. But I do know this, they don't last forever. Okay, look at the Boston Red Sox curse. That's over. Chicago Cubs, over. Heck, even Mr. Martin Scorsese finally won his Oscar. But I think we can all agree that The Departed is not necessarily his best work. That belongs to The Color of Money.
Colin: No, it's Goodfellas.
Ted: Agree to disagree.
Isaac: Nah, nah. It's Age of Innocence, bruv.
Coach Beard: Cape Fear.
Sam: Do you know J.K. Rowling has more money than the Queen?
Rebecca: I did.
Sam: I like the idea of someone becoming rich, because of what they gave to the world. Not just because of who their family is.
Ted: Gentlemen, I am, by nature, a believer. Ghosts, spirit guides, aliens. Still, I can't actually tell you what lives beyond our physical world and what doesn't. What I can tell you, is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.
Roy: I was nine when I got scouted by Sunderland, and I'd never left London before. My granddad drove me all the way there, and it was freezing, and I was terrified.
Roy: I was fu*king nine! Say something! When I got there, he gave me this old blanket. He said it was to keep me warm and to remind me of home. And that was the last time I saw him. 'Cause he'd passed away by the time I got back for Christmas, so... That is why blankie means so much to me.
Issac: Did you just say "blankie"?
Roy: No, I said "blanket." Conversation over.
S01E05 - Tan Lines (All Quotes)
Ted: Our therapist gave us this code word to use. So if either of us says "Oklahoma," the other one has to tell the God's honest truth. Yeah, you know, it's pretty helpful. Did ruin the musical for me though.
Keeley: Jamie, thank you. Whenever I break up with someone, I spend months questioning it, wondering if I made a huge fu$king mistake. But you have really helped me to feel good about this decision, just by... being you.
Jamie: You're welcome.
Ted: Jamie, how many times I gotta tell you to make the extra pass? Come on. Sam was more open than the jar of peanut butter on my kitchen counter.
Ted: Oh, that's right. Y'all don't know I like to keep the peanut butter open. That way, whenever I walk by, I can just stick my finger in there.
Roy: It's a fu$king good idea, to be fair.
Ted: Yeah, it is.
Jamie: I'm happy to be the new brand ambassador for Darsteiner. The favorite beer of Jamie Tartt. (Photographers take pictures) Oh, wait, wait, wait. Get my tats. Get that one. (rolls up his sleeve) It's very important to me. Chinese for "arm."
Rebecca: If any of the other players needed some branding work done, is that something you'd be interested in?
Keeley: I don't want you to offer me a job just 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.
Rebecca: Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.
Ted: (to his wife and son) Little tip for y'all, all right? Fries are called "chips." Chips are called "crisps." And "bangers" aren't great songs, but they do make you feel like dancing 'cause they're so darn tasty.
Michelle: Do they, um, wrap the fish-and-chips in newspaper? I read they do that here.
Ted: No, no. I wish. Boy, I'd love that. Having my food teach me stuff?
Michelle: Yeah, that's your dream scenario, right? A doughnut that knows about Rosa Parks or something.
Ted: Yeah. Exactly, yeah. Can fit a lot of wisdom just in the hole.
Nathan: If you were worried about your relationship, then why did you fly 4,438 miles away?
Ted: That is a very specific number to know off the top of your head.
Nathan: Oh, well, uh, my dad used to be a cartographer. Used to say I was .001 miles tall.
Higgins: If you're with the right person, even the hard times are easy.
Ted: (whistles) Someone call 911. I want to report a truth bomb.
Coach Beard: I think... think they do 999 here.
Nathan: It is 999.
Announcer 1: We certainly haven't seen this before. Ted Lasso is running into the stands.
Announcer 2: Well, where the hell is he off to?
Announcer 1: He's not slowing down on those steps. That's some real impressive cardio from Ted Lasso there.
Ted: Fellas, we're broken. We need to change. And, look, I know change can be scary. One minute, you're playing freeze tag out there at recess with all your buddies. Next thing you know, you're getting zits, your voice gets low. And every time your art teacher, Ms. Scanlon, leans over your desk to check and see how your project's going, you feel all squiggly inside.
(chuckles are heard)
Ted: Mm. She was a striking woman. Not classically beautiful, but striking. First time I ever saw tan lines.
(After winning the match)
Crowd: Wanker! Wanker!
Ted: Well, same word, ain't it?
Coach Beard: Yeah, but different.
Ted: Yeah, kinda like back in the '80s when bad meant good, right?
Coach Beard: Who was president back then?
Ted: Ronald Reagan.
Coach Beard: "Ronald Reagan? The actor?"
Ted: Oh, man. I love it when you do Doc Brown. You walked me right into that.
S01E04 - For the Children (All Quotes)
Sam: Jamie. Jamie. Sorry, I didn't put that cross where you wanted it.
Jamie: Ah. Forget it, mate. Hey, would it be too forward if I gave you some advice that might help improve your game a bit?
Sam: No. Please, anything.
Jamie: What you need to do is get yourself a time machine, and go back to the moment when your mom was about to fu$k a sad little man with no athletic talent. Pull her off him, fly her to Argentina, and drop her onto Maradona's c0ck. Hope that helps, mate.
Ted: Looks like we still got ourselves a team divided here. Coach, you know what I'm thinkin' about right now?
Coach Beard: West Side Story?
Ted: You know it. Sharks and Jets. You think these fellas could solve their problems with a dance-off at a gymnasium?
Keeley: Nate, that's a very nice suit. I think you look chic.
Nathan: Oh, thank you. It's actually only the second suit I've ever owned. The first one was my suit when I was a naked baby.
Keeley: (blank stare)
Nathan: Sorry, it's funny when Ted says it. I...
Ted: Well, the term "birthday suit" woulda helped you a ton there, yeah.
Rebecca: Rupert was always very good at the public speaking part.
Ted: Hey, here's a little trick of the trade. Just make fun of yourself right off the bat, a little joke. Folks will love that.
Rebecca: Okay, so, what should I make fun of myself about?
Ted: (inhales) Right, right, right. (stammers) Um...
Woman: (to Jamie) I will be bidding for a night with you.
Jamie: Oh. Thanks, love. Uh... Yeah, it's, um, it's just a date though. It's not a whole night. So...
Woman: We'll see. (leaves)
Roy: Mate, I've done these before. If she bids over 3,000, you will have to fu$k her.
Jamie: Is that true?
Keeley: You don't have to go all the way. Just, like, some of the way. Fingering. (laughs)
Roy: Just the usual. Jamie being a little bitch prima donna.
Ted: Roy, let me ask you something. What were you like when you were 23? Playing in this league, making all that money.
Roy: Little bitch prima donna.
Ted: Yeah. You know how they say that "youth is wasted on the young"? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.
Nathan: I just wanted to say thanks for talking to Colin and Isaac.
Roy: Why is your face so close to mine?
Nathan: Well, my initial plan was to hug you, but I just chickened out just now.
(Nathan hugs Roy)
Roy: Okay, we're done.
Rupert: And now, the only former Champions League winner on the menu, say hello to Roy Kent. And the highest bidder gets to spend a day at a swanky hotel by the pool drinking frozen daiquiris and soaking up the rays...
Roy: (abruptly) No, we said there's no daiquiris and no rays.
S01E03 - Trent Crimm: The Independent (All Quotes)
Ted: Yeah, finally saw Big Ben. Boy, I thought I'd seen the biggest clock there was. When I was a kid, my folks took me to the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower up there in Milwaukee. They ended up leaving me there all by myself. Yeah, three hours and 42 minutes. You know how I know that?
Rebecca: You were staring at a clock?
Keeley: When this shit hits, Jamie is going to go mental. There's going to be photographers all over us.
Ted: Right, right.
Keeley: The next picture of me will not be this perfect. I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like... Guess what the headline will be.
Keeley: "Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart."
Ted: Did you just come up with that?
Ted: Everyone would read that.
Keeley: Of course they would. You have no idea the power of rhyming in this goddamn country.
Ted: (toward Rebecca) This woman right here is strong, confident and powerful. Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it either.
Rebecca: There's no way she can trace that photo back to me, can she?
Rebecca: What do you mean "yes"? Did you not use an alias or a burner phone?
Higgins: I'm not a spy, Rebecca. I'm just the director of football operations.
Ted: Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons on the rough-and-tumble playgrounds of Brookridge Elementary School. One, if little Ronnie Fowch offers you a candy bar, you immediately say no, and you get the hell outta there. 'Cause there's a good chance that little son of a gun has just pooped inside of a Butterfinger wrapper.
Roy: I've had it with your mind games and your stupid gifts. I mean, what even is A Wrinkle in Time?
Trent: It's a lovely novel. It's the story of a young girl's struggle with the burden of leadership as she journeys through space.
Ted: Yeah. That's it.
Roy: Am I supposed to be the little girl?
Ted: I'd like you to be.
Ted: (to Trent) I love coaching. Now, I'm gonna say this again just so you didn't think it was a mistake the first time I said it. For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It's about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field. And it ain't always easy, Trent, but neither is growing up without someone believing in you.
S01E02 - Biscuits (All Quotes)
Ted: Hey, look at Isaac. He looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats.
Coach Beard: Boots. They call cleats "boots."
Ted: I thought you said that the trunk of a car was a boot.
Coach Beard: Also a boot.
Ted: Hold on now. If I were to get fired from my job where I'm puttin' cleats in the trunk of my car...
Coach Beard: You got the boot from puttin' boots in the boot.
Ted: (going through the suggestion box) Let's see what we got here. "Wanker." Let's see what else we got. "Piss off, wanker." "I hope you choke on a Big Mac."
Coach Beard: Good thing these are anonymous.
Ted: No, Roy signed that one.
Ted: Okay, I got one. What if I joined forces with a swashbuckling cat to play tiny guitars for women of the night as we read Alex Haley's most seminal work?
Coach Beard: You'd be in cahoots with Puss in Boots, playing lutes for prostitutes, reading Roots.
Ted: No, The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I gotcha.
Ted: Let's tie up some loose ends from yesterday. First concert, Kenny Rogers, right? Best concert, we got Beastie Boys at HORDE Fest, 1995. You're gonna love this story. Actually, did y'all get the O.J. trial over here?
Trent Crimm: Could you explain the offside rule?
Ted: Well, Trent, I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.
S01E01 - Pilot (All Quotes)
Rebecca: Rupert and I bought this on our fifth anniversary.
Higgins: Well, you have exquisite taste.
Rebecca: Do you want it?
Higgins: But it's a Hockney. It must be worth a million pounds.
Rebecca: Good point. You should've said yes.
George: Fired? What the fu$k for?
Rebecca: I suppose I could go for any number of reasons, really. Your casual misogyny, for one.
Rebecca: I know, it's a big word. Ask one of your daughters what it means. Or perhaps it's your performance, having led this team through yet another remarkably average season. Or maybe it's because you insist on wearing those tiny shorts that force me to see one of your testicles.... and there's the other one. Liam and Noel. Though, perhaps not an oasis.
Tommy: You coaching football. Mate, you are a legend for doing something so stupid. I mean, it's mental. They're gonna fuc$ing murder you.
Ted: Well, you know, I've heard that tune before. But here I am, still dancing.
Coach Beard: You know how they came up with soccer? So, these Victorian-era headmasters, all they wanted to do was get the boys to stop masturbating. So they invented a sport where the boys wouldn't use their hands at all, and they thought that might do the trick. I'm not sure if it worked, but...
Rebecca: Some of the locals claim they still see fallen soldiers wandering around the pitch.
Ted: That's spooky.
Rebecca: Do you believe in ghosts, Ted?
Ted: I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves.
Rebecca: This is a wall of our previous owners.
Ted: Okay. And now look at this fella up here. How 'bout the girls and the champagne and everything? He looks like a good time.
Rebecca: That's my ex-husband.
Ted: Heck, you could fill two Internets with what I don't know about football. But I'll tell you what I do know. I know that AFC Richmond, like any team I've ever coached, is gonna go out there and give you everything they got for all four quarters.
Ted: What was that?
Reporter: Two halves.
Ted: Right. Sorry. Halves, yeah. They're gonna give you everything they got for two halves, win or lose.
Reporter: Or tie.
Ted: Right. Y'all do ties here. Sorry. That's going to take some getting used to for me. 'Cause back where I'm from, you try to end a game in a tie, well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.
Higgins: Ms. Welton, I was a bit skeptical, but after hearing you speak in there, I'm excited by your choice. Coach Lasso is just what we need.
Rebecca: He's an absolute wanker.
Higgins: I know... Pardon?
Rebecca: I hope he fails miserably. See, my ex-husband truly loved only one thing his entire life: this club. And Ted Lasso is gonna help me burn it to the ground. 'Cause I want to torture Rupert. I want him to feel like he's being fu*ked in the ass with a splintered cricket bat. Just in and out, over and over, in a constant loop. Like a GIF.
Ted: It was real fun watching you out there today. You know, the boys really respond to you. It doesn't surprise me though. You've had a heck of a career.
Roy: Thank you. Never thought it would end being coached by Ronald fu*king McDonald.
Ted: You gonna let him call you that?
Coach Beard: I don't think he was referring to me.
Ted: He thinks he's mad now, wait till we win him over.
Coach Beard: He'll... be... furious.
Keeley: You're trending hard on Twitter right now.
Ted: How 'bout that.
Keeley: Do you even tweet?
Ted: Nah. But I do beatbox all right. (beat boxes a line)
Keeley: I never know how to react when a grown man beatboxes in front of me.