Rebecca Quotes - Ted Lasso
Rebecca quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"
Jane: Oh, Rebecca, I hope you don't mind. I went through your wardrobe and borrowed this dress.
Rebecca: Oh, it's a blazer. But, yes, yes. Help yourself.
Rebecca: I only got into this to ruin Rupert's life. And he seems to be doing a pretty good job of that himself.
Rebecca: You know, I was thinking I should travel abroad.
Ted: Mmm. Eat, Pray, Love style, right?
Rebecca: Well, more like Drink, Sleep, f?ck.
Rebecca: If you'd like, I'd love to show you around.
Dottie: Oh, I've heard great things about the Sherlock Holmes Museum.
Rebecca: I mean around the facility.
Rebecca: I've got to go and see a man about a horse.
Ted: Oh. I didn't know girls said that when they gotta pee.
Rebecca: No, Ted, I'm buying a horse.
Rupert: Rebecca, what do you think?
Rebecca: Is this a f?cking joke? Excuse me? What do you think you're doing? Just stop it! I mean, how much more money do any of you really need? Why would you ever consider taking something away from people that means so much to them? This isn't a game. Football isn't just a game. It's one of those amazing things in life that can make you feel shit one moment... and then, like it's Christmas morning the next. It has the ability to make heroes and villains out of ordinary men. People love this game. My father loved this game. You all used to love this game. I'm sure of it. I knew this little boy. Working-class. From Richmond. And he loved football so much, he used to sneak into the matches because his family just couldn't afford the tickets. And one afternoon, he finally got caught. And the security guard smacked him round the face, knocked him on the ground. (Rupert chuckles) But that little boy stood up, smiled, kicked the security guard in the bollocks and ran away. Never to return. Until 25 years later, when he walked in and bought the entire club. And on his first day as owner, he went and found that same security guard and gave him a pay rise without any explanation. Just because we own these teams doesn't mean they belong to us. And I don't want to be part of something that could possibly destroy this beautiful game. Because I would hate for all those little kids and grown-ups out there to ever lose access to that beautiful, passionate part of themselves.
Edwin Akufo: What a lovely speech. Now, who wants to make a lot of money?
(Cut to Akufo storming out of the room after seemingly throwing a tantrum)
Rebecca: I just convinced a roomful of Rupert's dickhead friends to pull out of the Akufo League.
Keeley: Oh, no!
Rebecca: Oh, no, it's very good. Hug me.
Rebecca: Oi! Kent! Get your hairy arse into my office. Now! (storms out)
Players: (murmuring, chuckling, whistling) Oooooh!
Roy: Every single one of you knows my arse isn't hairy. Yet none of you spoke up. And I will never forgive you.
Rebecca: If I ask you to do a press conference, do the f?cking press conference.
Roy: Okay. shit. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a big deal.
Rebecca: So you just didn't do it? Is that the plan for the rest of your life? You're just gonna walk away from everything the second it isn't fun or easy? (sighs) What do you want, Roy? Hmm? What do you really want?
Roy: I just want to be left alone.
Rebecca: Oh, bullshit, Roy! You want way more than that! You're just so convinced that you don't deserve anything good in your life, that you'd rather eat a bowl of shit soup and then complain about the portions. Get out of your own way, man. 'Cause this whole "woe is me" thing you've got going on is just f?cking ponderous.
Rebecca: Oh, please. The Eiffel Tower is just a lamppost with a publicist.
Rebecca: You know, there might be a silver lining in all this. Just think of how many young women you are going to teach how to mast?rbat? properly.
Rebecca: I think she might be love bombing you.
Keeley: She's "love what-ing" me?
Rebecca: Love bombing. That's when you're bombarded with expensive gifts and trips and grand gestures of love.
Rebecca: (To Keeley) I'm not saying that Jack is like Rupert. But sometimes shiny things can tarnish.
Server: Actually, the bill was already taken care of by Jack. She said she hopes you both enjoyed your meal.
Rebecca: What a massive surprise.
Keeley: Wow, yeah.
Rebecca: Well, then I think we ought to have some tiramisu. Don't you?
Keeley: Definitely.
Rebecca: Oh, and, uh, two bottles of the '34 Ch?teau Cheval Blanc Saint-Emilion Premier Grand Cru to go. And one for yourself.
Rebecca: At the beginning, Rupert bought me so many tulips for so long, his florist was able to buy a castle.
Keeley: What?
Rebecca: I mean, it was in Scunthorpe, but still. A castle.
Roy: (referring to Keeley) Where's she going?
Rebecca: Somewhere that believes they deserve her.
Rebecca: Should I be concerned that you've got a giant Tupperware box of women's clothing in your floating house? These aren't trophies, are they?
Rebecca: So, uh, should I be worried about some giant Dutch woman wandering on here and strangling me for wearing her clothes?
Rebecca: It's not for me. If I wanted to be scammed out of all my money, I'd go the old-fashioned route and become obsessively religious.
Keeley: He goes through teams like you go through manicurists.
Rebecca: The fumes make me dizzy, and I overshare.
Rebecca: Years ago, when I was bartending in that private club, Rupert and his then wife came into the bar. (sighs) He was the life and soul of the party. Buying rounds of drinks for everyone, telling stories. Just charm personified. And he left me a massive tip. And then about a week later, he came back without his wife and asked me out. I, of course, said no. Then he left.
Keeley: What a dick.
Rebecca: But then he came back the next night and the next night and the next. And he would just sit at the bar with a drink and chatted to me until close. And he just said, "It doesn't matter if you ever go out with me. It's just worth it being here to get to know you."
Keeley: It's a fine line between stalking and romance.
Rebecca: And after about six weeks of that, he asked me out again. And I said yes without any hesitation. Because by that point... (inhales sharply) I just felt so lucky because he wanted me. He made me feel special. Chosen.
Rebecca: (to Zava who is at a urinal) You are such a f?cking chickenshit. I mean, if you were great, truly great, you could play anywhere. But instead you choose a club like West Ham, because it's big and shiny, and you know that they'll win whether you're there or not. And you'll never have to wonder if you're still as good as you tell everyone you are. But you and I know that you're not. You're overrated. You're overpaid. (sniffs) And you eat too much f?cking asparagus.
Ted: Dropped him off at the airport a little bit ago. Now he's up in a plane, 10,000 feet in the sky.
Rebecca: I think they fly higher than that.
Ted: You know, boss, you're starting to develop a bit of a habit.
Rebecca: Am I?
Ted: Oh, yeah. Same time, same place last year, you dropped another truth bomb on me.
Rebecca: See you next year.
Ted: I can't wait.
Deborah: What a chubby baby!
(baby cries)
Rebecca: Congratulations, Mother. You've just fat-shamed a baby to tears.
Rebecca: (while watching a Rick Astley video) I think you had a bit of a thing for Rick Astley, Mother.
Deborah: Well, maybe I did. But that's not him, is it?
Rebecca: Yeah, of course it is.
Deborah: No, I thought he was Black. That's Rick Astley?
Rebecca: Yes.
Keeley: I haven't found a term I like yet for when I tell people I'm taking a sh1t. What do you use?
Rebecca: I need to reapply my lip liner. Men don't know what that means and women understand it requires time and focus.
Keeley: Get in there. Either it's gonna be the most amazing night or it's gonna be so sh1t that you can punish me for it for the rest of our friendship.
Rebecca: I do like the sound of that.
Rebecca: No. Sam. We can't... I'm your boss. No. No. You are way too young. I mean, you're what, like, 24?
Sam: I'm... I'm 21.
Rebecca: Oh, my God. I'm a pedophile. I feel... I've groomed you. All these messages. I was grooming you!
Sam: You didn't groom me, okay? We didn't know who we were.
Rebecca: Okay, but... but now we do, and this is not happening.
Rebecca: I mean, everything always goes wrong. All relationships are a nightmare.
Higgins: My relationship is the oxygen that gives me life.
Rebecca: Apart from Leslie's marriage, which is a bloody greeting card of some kind.
Rebecca: Your noise is back. What's up?
Higgins: I feel compelled to tell a friend something he won't want to hear.
Rebecca: Is this about Beard and Jane? I see her sometimes, lurking around the car park. I mean, she's a bit intense, but she's adorable. Like a tipsy Reese Witherspoon playing Running Charades.
Higgins: What's Running Charades?
Rebecca: What's Running Charades?
Rebecca: This mystery man that I've been talking to on Bantr has just quoted Rilke. "Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasures".
Keeley: Oh, that is so hot. Maybe you're writing letters to a hung poet.
Ted: How you spending the rest of Santa's birthday?
Rebecca: I'm going to a Christmas party at a friend's house.
Keeley: What friend's that? First and last name, please.
Rebecca: Elton John.
Ted: Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer, Prancer and Vixen.
Ted: How long have you been doing this?
Rebecca: For years, but then Rupert... You know, I should have done it last year, but I just sat by myself instead. Drinking and plotting horrible things.
Ted: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Rebecca: Look, I know all too well how stunningly shitty the first Christmas after you get divorced can be. I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
Ted: Yeah, well, I am now, you know. A lot better than I would have been if I just drank whiskey all day and watched It's a Wonderful Life on repeat. That could have gone dark.
Ted: You're willing to miss a puppet show by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz? 'Cause that sounds like a lot of fun.
Rebecca: Don't get me wrong, they are incredible. But all I really want to see those two do together is fu$k.
Rebecca: We could go and see a show tonight. What about The Mouse Trap? You know that Agatha Christie play where someone dies every performance? Usually in the audience. Seeing as only old people go and see it.
Nora: Why do all their dolls have to be tragically orphaned? Edith's parents died in the war. Emma's had scurvy.
Rebecca: Yes. The Americans really do the historical doll concept better, don't they? Must be their innate sense of triumph, however misguided.
Nora: Yeah, but no one does the orphans better than us Brits.
Nora: Hey, dick hole.
Rebecca: (types) "Dear Richard Cole."
Nora: You creepy old pedo.
Rebecca: (types) "My old friend."
Nora: Sam isn't going anywhere, asshole.
Rebecca: (types) "I have decided not to release Sam Obisanya."
Nora: You're a shitty old man with a tiny, shriveled penis. I feel sorry for your wife. Her life must be a constant hell.
Rebecca: (types) "Please give Daphne my love."
Nora: Sincerely, boss ass bitch.
Rebecca: (types) "Sincerely, boss ass bitch."
Ted: You ever been to a therapist, Rebecca?
Rebecca: What for? I can diagnose myself in a heartbeat. I thought being invulnerable would protect me, so I pushed people away for years, leading me directly to my greatest fear... Being alone. Big whoop.
Keeley: Twitter is going bonkers. Look.
Rebecca: Oh, God. Did we really make Michael Jordan cry?
Rebecca: There's a great saying in Dutch football.
Ted: Oh, I don't speak Dutch.
Rebecca: That's why I was going to tell you in English.
Ted: Perfect. Lay it on me.
Rebecca: "Every disadvantage has its advantage."
Ted: Ooh, I like that.
Rebecca: Sure, you don't know what you're doing, but doesn't that mean that you see the game in a different way than any other football manager? And shouldn't that empower you to cause complete and utter confusion?
Ted: Cause confusion or create chaos. Yep. Yes, it is. Thanks, boss.
(Quickly runs out of the office and hits his head on the top of the door)
Ted: I'm fine. The chaos has already begun.
Ted: You get nervous doing this kind of stuff?
Rebecca: It's a profile on women in football. It's not a big deal. There's, like, four of us: me, Karen, Delia and Posh Spice.
Ted: Oh, come on, now. Being a role model's a huge deal. Don't you realize that there's probably a little girl out there somewhere rocking a tiny eggplant-colored power suit, and she's just dreaming about becoming a sports executive someday.
Rebecca: (referring to the equipment room) My God, it smells of feet in here. I mean, it just... it just hits you immediately, doesn't it? It's hot. Like feet funk, right up your nose. Can you smell it?
Rebecca: Right, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I'm just gonna... get straight to the point. No faffing around, 'cause that's just annoying, and definitely no procrastinating. Procrast... Procrast... That's a good word, isn't it? Procrastinating. Pro... Procrastinating. Huh. I wonder what the etymology of that word is. Obviously, "pro," very good, but "crast"? Crast... I have no idea. Hey! Why don't we look it up?
Rebecca: (to Rupert) You're nearly 70, and you're having a baby? I mean, what are you, a character from the fu#king Bible? When your kid hits puberty, you'll be nothing but a pile of dust and a black Amex card.
Rebecca: I have something I need to tell you.
Ted: Mm. Deja vu.
Rebecca: I'm a fu*king bitch. Nope, that's new. Ted, I lied to you. I hired you because I wanted this team to lose. I wanted you to fail, and I sabotaged you every chance I've had. It was me who hired that photographer to take the photo of you and Keeley. I set up the interview with Trent Crimm, hoping that he would humiliate you. And I instigated the transfer of Jamie Tartt, even though you'd asked me not to. This club is all that Rupert has ever cared about, and I wanted to destroy it. To cause him as much pain and suffering as he has caused me. And I didn't care who I used or who I hurt. All you good people just trying to make a difference. (sobbing) Ted, I'm so sorry.
Ted: Mm.
Rebecca: If you want to quit or call the press, I'll completely understand.
Ted: I forgive you.
Rebecca: You... What? Why?
Ted: Divorce is hard. It doesn't matter if you're the one leaving or if... you're the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things. Hell, I'm coaching soccer for heaven's sake. In London. (laughs) I mean, that's nuts. But this job you gave me has changed my life. It gave me the distance I needed to see what was really going on. Yeah, but you and me... We're okay.
Rebecca: If any of the other players needed some branding work done, is that something you'd be interested in?
Keeley: I don't want you to offer me a job just 'cause I was nice to you in the loo the other night.
Rebecca: Why not? Men give each other jobs in toilets all the time.
Rebecca: Ugh. I haven't placed Elaine Kenner. Awful woman.
Higgins: She won't be attending tonight. She was kicked in the face by her horse.
Rebecca: Oh. That poor thing. Is the horse okay?
Rebecca: Are you mad? Pandas are fat and lazy and have piss-stained fur. Lions are powerful and majestic and rule the jungle.
Rebecca: Rupert and I bought this on our fifth anniversary.
Higgins: Well, you have exquisite taste.
Rebecca: Do you want it?
Higgins: But it's a Hockney. It must be worth a million pounds.
Rebecca: Good point. You should've said yes.
George: Hey. I love what you've done to the place. Did you do it yourself or get some poof to help you?
Rebecca: I could ask the same of your hair.
George: Fired? What the fu$k for?
Rebecca: I suppose I could go for any number of reasons, really. Your casual misogyny, for one.
George: What?
Rebecca: I know, it's a big word. Ask one of your daughters what it means. Or perhaps it's your performance, having led this team through yet another remarkably average season. Or maybe it's because you insist on wearing those tiny shorts that force me to see one of your testicles.... and there's the other one. Liam and Noel. Though, perhaps not an oasis.
Rebecca: This is a wall of our previous owners.
Ted: Okay. And now look at this fella up here. How 'bout the girls and the champagne and everything? He looks like a good time.
Rebecca: That's my ex-husband.
Higgins: Ms. Welton, I was a bit skeptical, but after hearing you speak in there, I'm excited by your choice. Coach Lasso is just what we need.
Rebecca: He's an absolute wanker.
Higgins: I know... Pardon?
Rebecca: I hope he fails miserably. See, my ex-husband truly loved only one thing his entire life: this club. And Ted Lasso is gonna help me burn it to the ground. 'Cause I want to torture Rupert. I want him to feel like he's being fu*ked in the ass with a splintered cricket bat. Just in and out, over and over, in a constant loop. Like a GIF.
