Roy Kent Quotes - Ted Lasso
Roy Kent quotes from the hit show "Ted Lasso"
Roy: Just ask me what I'm thinking about.
Keeley: What are you thinking about?
Roy: Stuff.
Roy: How do you know if a girl likes you or not?
Ted: Well, um... you know, that might be a tasty, little treat for the Diamond Dogs. (Ted, Trent, Coach Beard begin whimpering )
Roy: No. No! No! No! No!
Jamie: Are you hungry?
Roy: Well, you're still in training, but you can watch me eat a kebab.
Roy: Can I be a Diamond Dog?
Ted: Okay, hold on one second here. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hmm.
Roy: What the f?ck are you doing?
Ted: Uh, I assume we're all looking for cameras 'cause we think we're on a prank show.
Ms. Bowen: It's Coach Kent.
Roy: Hello, Ms. Bowen.
Ms. Bowen: You don't have to call me Ms. Bowen. You can use my first name.
Roy: Okay, uh...
Ms. Bowen: You don't know it, do you?
Roy: No.
Ms. Bowen: Leann.
Roy: Hello, Leann.
Ms. Bowen: I like your T-shirt. You off to protest the Vietnam War?
Roy: Phoebe made it for me.
Ms. Bowen: Ah. You look different.
Roy: (inhales deeply) Well, yeah. I don't normally dress like a f?cking clown.
Ms. Bowen: No, I don't mean the T-shirt. I mean you. You seem lighter than the last time I saw you. Less... (inhales) ...stuck.
Roy: Stuck?
Ms. Bowen: Yeah, stuck.
Roy: Hold on. Weren't you flirting with me last time I saw you?
Ms. Bowen: I teach kids. I don't mind cleaning up a mess. (chuckles) I just hope that mess didn't cause too much damage.
Roy: Fudge. It's good to see you. Yeah, you too. (leaves quickly)
Ms. Bowen: "I don't mind cleaning up a mess." (scoffs) Smooth move, fuckwitch.
Keeley: I still can't read your handwriting.
Roy: (reading the letter) Dear Keeley, I want you to know something. You never did anything wrong. It was all me. I was stuck. Stuck in my own shit. And I didn't wanna cause you any harm with it, so I pulled away. But you are... yu are and always will be Keeley f?cking Jones. And if I ever did anything... anything at all... that made you feel like that wasn't true... I'm so sorry. I love you. Sincerely yours, Roy Kent. XOXO.
Keeley: You are the only Roy I know.
Roy: Well, I didn't want to assume.
Roy: You never talk about a streak. My grandparents were happily married for 51 years 'cause they never said a f?cking word to each other.
Roy: Yeah. All right. (sighs) You got me today. Any questions? (reporters clamoring) F?cking hell. You. Five-o'clock-shadow head.
Reporter: Coach Kent, do you or the organization condone what Isaac McAdoo did today?
Roy: What a stupid f?cking question. (reporters chuckling) Course we don't. What Isaac did was awful. He was lucky he only got a red card.
Reporter: Okay. So why'd he do it?
Roy: When I was first coming up through Sunderland, there was an old-timer on the team. Local guy. He and his wife were about to have their first kid, so during training one day, I made a joke that, statistically, I was probably the real dad. And the boys fell about laughing, but he went f?cking nuts. He battered me. Properly. I had a black eye, chipped tooth, three broken ribs. I couldn't play for six games. He got booted off the team. After that, no club would go near him. Then in the summer, after I could breathe again, I bumped into him in a pub. And I got the chance to say sorry for my stupid f?cking joke. And he got to tell me... (swallows) He and his wife had lost the baby... (reporters groaning) A month before all that went down. He hadn't told anyone. Kept it all inside. Look, I get that some people think if they buy a ticket, they've got the right to yell whatever abusive shit they want at footballers. But they're not just footballers. They're also people. And none of us know what is going on in each other's lives. So for Isaac to do what he did today, even though it was wrong... I give him love. And as for why he did what he did... that's none of my f?cking business. Next question.
Roy: Yeah, New Trent.
Marcus: Uh, Coach, let's talk about Colin Hughes.
Roy: Yeah, he's a hell of a player and a great man. I think we've underused him.
Marcus: I think you're right.
Roy: Glad we agree. I prefer you to Old Trent.
Roy: Do you wanna talk about it?
Ted: Yes, I do. Diamond Dogs, mount up!
Roy: (groans) Never f?cking mind.
Roy: You turn those frowns upside down 'cause we're f?cking doing this. We're gonna drill it, we're gonna train it and then in a couple of months, we're taking Total Football to the f?cking pitch.
Ted: No, actually we're gonna do it this Saturday against Arsenal.
Roy: Well, that's f?cking mental.
Roy: Whistle! On your feet, maggots! (players muttering) Right. Today you're gonna run from end to end to end to end. But lucky for you, I'm in a good mood. So you've only gotta do that for the whole f?cking practice. Whistle!
Roy: I've given this a lot of thought. Next time we do this drill, we tie multiple guys' dicks to one guy's d?ck. Yeah?
Coach Beard: That was a one-shot deal, Roy.
Ted: Yeah, I'm pretty sure we cooked that whole bird already, Coach.
Roy: Huh. Shame.
Reporter: Roy Kent, don't you think Richmond's objectively poor performance is, uh, due to the fact that you're nothing without Zava?
Roy: Who cares? It's a f?ck?ng friendly. A friendly is a pretend match. This is a pretend conversation. You're a pretend person with a pretend job. And I'm having a really hard time pretending to give a shit.
Roy: When I went to Sunderland, my granddad told me he'd teach me how to ride when I came back for Christmas, and then he f?cking died, and I haven't been on a bike since. And now I'm saying that out loud, I realize that never learning was actually a great disrespect to his memory and now I feel ashamed. So can we stop talking about it and go back to me just taking out my negative emotions on you, even if you deserve it or not?
Jamie: Go on, Roy. For Granddad.
Trent Crimm: Everything okay, Ted?
Ted: Uh, Henry got bullied at school this morning.
Coach Beard: (angrily) If we leave right now and take the connecting flight through Paris, we can be in Kansas by noon, and that punk's house will be in ashes by 12:30!
Roy: No, no. Best thing you can do with bullies is ignore them. Then you sneak into their house at 4:00 a.m., which, statistically speaking, is the hour people are least prepared to defend themselves. And once you're standing over them, as they sleep in their bed, you start to beat them. With a thick, heavy rope soaked in red paint. Pummeling them over and over until they wake, confusing the paint for their own blood. When they beg you to stop, you laugh as loud as you can, for as long as you can. (Ted gulps) And then you start to beat them again. (Trent drops his mug)
Ted: Mmm. Yeah. You know, I may just hold off on anything like that until I connect with Michelle and just get the details, see what actually happened.
Roy: Yeah, all right. Yeah, fair enough.
Roy: Now get dressed. Or I start flicking your balls.
Jamie: This is perverse.
Roy: I used to fancy Julie Andrews. Well, I still do, to be fair. The voice, the eyes, the way you know she'd tell you off if you'd been bad.
Roy: I mean, you still could be if you weren't such a pre-Madonna.
Jamie: Did you just call me a pre-Madonna?
Roy: Yeah.
Jamie: It's prima donna. Who the f*ck says "pre-Madonna"? What the f*ck does that even mean?
Roy: It means before Madonna, female vocalists didn't have to work that hard.
Jamie: Are you mad? You never heard of Tina Turner? F*cking Stevie Nicks?
Roy: So I finally watched it. I liked it. Gene Hackman was good. The drunk geezer. Stuff with the team. I did have one question.
Coach Beard: Yeah, what's that?
Roy: Why the f?ck is it called Hoosiers?
Roy:F?ck pundits.
Coach Beard: You were a pundit.
Roy: Yeah. And all we did was talk shit and eat f?cking meringues.
Construction Worker: Roy Kent, is that you?
Roy: Get f?ck?d.
Construction Worker: Yeah, definitely him.
Roy: We're opening the champagne.
Keeley: What? No, I thought we were saving that for something really, really special.
Roy: Well, we didn't open it when your mum moved back up north. We didn't open it when England got zero points in the Eurovision. And we didn't open it when the neighbor ran over their own snake.
Keeley: That was nasty.
Roy: So we are drinking it tonight. Duck. (pops the cork)
Roy: They better not have used any pictures of me smiling.
Keeley: Like that exists...
(Keeley opens the article on her iPad)
Roy: Wow.
Keeley: Oh, no. They didn't use any of the pictures with you in them. I'm so sorry, Roy. That is not cool. I'm gonna reach out and change that.
Roy: Don't you dare. Don't you change a f*cking thing. You look powerful. You're f*cking gorgeous. You look like a BILF.
Keeley: Oh, yeah? Go on, show me, then.
Roy: (about Keeley) The thing is... she looked so f*cking great. On her own. Without me. So natural. I... It would've actually been f*cking weird if I was in the pictures. And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral, Jamie f*cking Tartt tells her he's f*cking in love with her.
Coach Beard: And he's still alive?
Roy: Yeah. Instead of beating him to death, I f*cking forgave him. I'm still f*cking furious about it.
Roy: Wait. So sometimes the f*cking Diamond Dogs is just chatting about sh1t, and no one has to f*cking solve anything and nothing f*cking changes?
Ted: Sometimes. Yeah.
Roy: That's cool.
Roy: Oi, are my eyebrows crazy? I've gotta do a photo shoot with Keeley tonight, and the photo shoot coordinator told me my eyebrows are crazy.
Nathan: Jesus, are my eyebrows crazy?
Roy: They wanna do a "at home with the footballer boyfriend" shot. Bet they won't even use it. She also told me I've gotta wear all black so that Keeley pops.
Nathan: You're always wearing black.
Roy: This isn't black. This is dark heather charcoal.
Nathan: Here we go again. Give Ted yet another idea he'll take all the credit for.
Roy: That's the job, son.
Ms. Bowen: It's Coach Kent, which can only mean nobody told him it's a half-day and Phoebe's mom picked her up hours ago.
Roy: Fuuuuuuuuuu... ...n. That's fun, innit?
Roy: (referring to a table full of alchohol) I always thought this was what the teachers did when we went home.
Ms. Bowen: Art fundraiser tonight. For 20 quid, you can buy a kid's art. For 40, I'll send it home with you already in a rubbish bin.
Roy: That's a solid business model.
Roy: Hey. I'm sorry I'm late.
Keeley: You're not late, babe. Your outfit's in the closet.
Roy: You look cool as f*ck.
Keeley: Please say that it's gonna be good 'cause I'm really losing it. I'm so nervous.
Roy: Babe, you've done a thousand magazines. You did an advert for a service station where you jumped out of an airplane topless eating a hamburger. You can't be more nervous than that.
Roy: The real you is f*cking amazing. And now the whole world is gonna get to see that. You are Keeley f*cking Jones, the independent woman. You're gonna kill it.
Keeley: So where do you think her father is right now?
Roy: In the drawer of a funeral home.
Keeley: No. I mean, like, spiritually.
Roy: In the drawer of a funeral home.
Coach Beard: You know, if you weigh a person's body right after death, it's 21.3 grams lighter, and some say that's the weight of the soul.
Roy: Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again. You live, you die, you're done. Good night.
(Roy leaves)
Keeley: He's on his period.
Keeley: Roy, if you die, do you want to be buried or cremated? Like, if you were hit by a bus today, what do I do?
Roy: Go after the bus driver and make him pay for what he did to me. Avenge me, Keeley. Avenge me!
Roy: Cheer up, Keeley. It's a funeral.
Roy: (to Keeley) Listen, I was a prick today, making dumb f*cking jokes. It's, just, death makes me uncomfortable 'cause when my granddad died, I spent every single night for a whole year praying that I could just talk to him just once, or see him just one more time like he was Obi-Wan Kenobi or some sh1t. And I got f*ck all. But it did make me realize, we only got this one life, and I don't wanna waste a second of it. I love you, Keeley.
Ms. Bowen: Coach Kent, we've got a bit of an issue with Phoebe's behavior.
Roy: Let's have it.
Ms. Bowen: She's been swearing. A lot.
Roy: How bad is it?
Ms. Bowen: Today she called one of her classmates an "apathetic shitfucker."
Roy: Are they?
Ms. Bowen: Oh, yes. But that's not the point. Do you have any idea where she might be getting this from?
Phoebe: Thank you for the ice cream, Uncle Roy.
Roy: Oi! You can't swear, Phoebe.
Phoebe: But you swear all the time.
Roy: Yeah. And it didn't hold me back 'cause I'm a footballer. No one cares if we swear. It's part of the job. It's encouraged. But you can't be a doctor, or a teacher, or a...
Phoebe: Veterinarian for wild animals.
Roy: Or a veterinarian for wild animals. I still don't get how that works. You treat them in the woods and no one pays you?
Phoebe: Can you come in for one game of Princess and Dragon?
Roy: Can I be the dragon this time?
Phoebe: No.
Roy: Fine. But you better have fixed the wand.
Ted: I'm just doing some breathing exercises that Doc taught me, that's all.
Nathan: Hope it's not stomach problems again.
Roy: Tell me you didn't eat the prawn cocktail.
Roy: Whistle! Oi! I said, "Whistle!"
Isaac: Roy, why don't you just use an actual whistle?
Roy: I told you, my lips are sensitive to impure metals and whistles give me mouth hives.
Roy: Hey, Siri. Play the "Roy is sorry for not understanding Keeley" playlist. (Keeley giggles) I stole those roses from your neighbor's garden. Ripped them to shreds. And that... That's Phoebe's light, so I'm gonna have to give that back or I'm gonna get it in the neck. And that, that's a foot scrubber or something. The woman said it's good if you've got gross feet.
Keeley: What? You think I've got gross feet?
Roy: Babe, I think you're the cat's pajamas, but your feet are a f*cking state. (Keeley laughs) But who am I to judge? I found so much of my hair down the drain, it looked like a rat had got trapped and f*cking drowned.
Ted: Diamond Dogs dismount.
(all bark together)
Roy: Stupid barking means it's over, right?
Jamie: Why won't you coach me?
Roy: Because you don't deserve it.
Jamie: You're right. I don't deserve it.
Roy: And the way you play is dull and conformist.
Jamie: It's true. I do play in quite a dull and conformisty way.
Roy: And you're ugly. You're an ugly, ugly boy. With bad hair. Say it.
Jamie: I am...
Roy: Yeah?
Jamie: I am an ugly, ugly boy... With hair that maybe could be slightly... With bad hair, fine!
Roy: Cheers. I enjoyed that.
Jamie: You f*cking arsehole!
Roy: Yeah. I know you are, but so are you.
Jamie: I'm trying to build bridges here.
Roy: You couldn't f*cking build Jeff Bridges.
Jamie: How will I know when?
Ted: I'm actually curious about that myself too.
Roy: We'll give you a signal.
Jamie: What signal?
Ted: Any specifics we need to look out for?
Roy: You'll know it when you see it.
Ted: Hey, what do you think? Trick play? You know, maybe a Loki's Toboggan or Upside-Down Taxi?
Roy: You don't need it. The little prick's gonna f*cking score from there.
Nathan: No way.
(Jamie places the ball)
Coach Beard: It's too far.
(Jamie kicks the goal)
Ted: Are you kidding me?
Jeff: Roy, your old mob in Richmond, uh, struggling. There are a lot of theories as to why that might be. One that's gaining traction is a lack of leadership from your successor as captain, Isaac McAdoo.
Roy: Isaac's a good lad. He'll find his way.
George: You know, under Ted Lasso, Richmond, well, they're like a woman behind the wheel... completely lost!
Roy: George! Didn't you lose your license drink driving?
George: That was an allergic reaction to my medication.
Roy: The same medication that made you piss your pants?
Roy: I told you, either you take down my photo or you start giving me free kebabs.
Restaurateur: 7.50, mate.
Roy: Fair enough.
Roy: Let me finish my kebab and pray on it.
Ted: (kneels and does the sign of the cross) Right there. (leaves money on the table) For the collection plate. Later, skater.
Roy: Well, this place is ruined now.
Ted: What about me? What do I get to do?
Roy: Nothing.
Ted: Aw, come on. Can I keep score?
Roy: Fine.
Ted: All right, I'm gonna use my fingers. It's zero-zero!
Roy: Nil-nil.
Ted: It is nil-nil.
Roy: (sighs)
Issac: What the f*ck, Roy? Did you bring me round here to get my leg broke?
Roy: No. I brought you here to remind you that football is a f*cking game that you used to play as a f*cking kid. 'Cause it was fun, even when you were getting your f*cking legs broken or your f*cking feelings hurt. So, f*ck your feelings, f*ck your overthinking, f*ck all that bullshit, go back out there and have some f*cking fun.
Issac: All right, game on.
Jeff: Let's round off the Premier League with Arsenal heading on the road to Newcastle, where 17-year-old Matthew Kerr will make his debut. They're calling him the Irish Ronaldo. What can we expect today?
George: Well, I think we can expect to see a commanding performance from the lad.
Jeff: Roy, what do you think he'll do today?
Roy: I don't know. He's 17. He'll probably have chips for dinner and a wank before bed.
Roy: All we do is sit around here and guess what a bunch of little pricks are gonna go and do out there, then we come back at halftime, and we complain 'cause they didn't do exactly what we thought they'd do. We don't know. Of course we don't know. We're not in the locker rooms with them. We're not on the pitch with them. We can't look 'em in the eyes and encourage them to be better than they ever thought they were capable of being. We're just... we're just on the outside looking in. Judging them.
Roy: I'll tell you the thing Nikki Sixx said in the Motley Crue Behind the Music. "You gotta date your wife."
Taxi Driver: Thanks, Roy.
(Roy walks onto the soccer pitch sidelines...)
Ted: Hello, Coach. Really glad you decided to...
Roy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at "Coach."
Keeley: Don't worry about it. We can do Sexy Boxing Day.
Roy: Can't. I've got a match all day. Working.
Keeley: I can't do the day after. Sexy December 28th?
Roy: 28th. Sexiest of all the days.
Keeley: Phoebe, whatever it is, we just wanna try and make it better.
Roy: What have you got to be sad about? Did one of the Paw Patrol dogs die?
Keeley: Why did Bernard get you toothpaste and mouthwash for Christmas, babe?
Phoebe: Because he told everyone my breath is rancid.
Roy: Right, where does Bernard live?
Keeley: Roy, we are not going to go beat up a little kid.
Roy: Why not?
Roy: I've spent the last 20 years in locker rooms with men. I promise you, I've smelled worse.
(Phoebe breathes on him)
Roy: I think you might be dying.
Roy: We're going to my stupid posh neighborhood, and we're gonna start knocking on doors. And if we don't find a dentist in 10 houses, you each get ?1,000.
Keeley: Let's go get our coats.
Phoebe: Yeah!
Roy: This isn't embarrassing. Embarrassing is me eating so much ice cream at a birthday party, knowing I'm no good with dairy, that I poop my pants on the bus. (pauses)
Keeley: Finish your story...
Roy: Three weeks ago.
Kid: You pooped your pants? Roy Kent?
Roy: Yeah, so?
Kid: I do too, sometimes.
Roy: Well... let's both try and knock that off, shall we?
Rebecca: Keeley's got me on that silly dating app she's promoting.
Roy: The one with no pictures?
Rebecca: That's the one.
Roy: What? So now you just get a bunch of unsolicited descriptions of dicks?
Roy: Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained. It's bullshit. I didn't need a fu$king parade every day growing up, did you? Truth is they just wanna feel like they're part of our lives. Little idiots. Watch this... Phoebe. Do you wanna come to my podiatrist appointment later?
Phoebe: Yes, please!
Roy: Jamie Tartt is a muppet. And I hope he dies of the incurable condition of being a little bitch.
(They spot Ted riding on the back of a mower)
Keeley: What is Ted doing?
Roy: He's probably homesick. Closest thing he can find to a Dodge Ram.
Roy: (Speaking to his young girl football team) You all played a hell of a game. But you lost. I want you to remember this feeling. Burn this moment into your brains.
(The girls smile back)
Roy: Good.
Phoebe: Is it time for trophies, Uncle Roy?
Roy: Yeah, yeah.
Ms. Bowen: Emily's mom bought everyone consolation trophies.
Roy: Must be nice to just burn cash. "Best dressed"? That's stupid. You're all wearing the same thing.
Roy: Look, when I was young, you got shouted at for losing.
Ms Bowen: Same. But then, tough love never bothered me. As long as I knew the coach gave a shit.
Roy: (to the team) Oy! It has been an honor coaching all of you. I do hope you'll come back and play next year. But only if you fu*king mean it!
(The girls giggle)
Roy: Well, we lost. Would have been closer, but one of the goals got disallowed because apparently nine-year-olds aren't allowed to do headers yet. Fu$king brain development.
Roy: Babe, come on. Don't be embarrassed. Whatever it is, it's fine. I like watching couples have sex in the woods.
Keeley: You do? Why?
Roy: 'Cause I could never be that free.
Roy: Fine. I will try it once. But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of children to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
Keeley: I look forward to the attention.
Roy: (to the television make-up artist) What are you doing?
Woman: Sorry. What do you usually do with your lashes?
Roy: I leave them the fu&k alone.
Roy: Jamie Carragher sent me flowers. We fu@king despised each other when we played, now he's sending me flowers. How the fu*k does he know I love white orchids?
Jeff Stelling: Roy Kent, ex-Chelsea legend joins us. Welcome, Roy.
(Roy grunts)
Jeff: Right, what did you think? Did your former club play well?
Roy: No. I thought they played like shit.
Jeff: Our apologies to the viewing audience. Roy Kent with some salty language. Would you care to elaborate, Roy?
Roy: All right. Chelsea was shit today. They were shocking. Watching them, you'd never know they were playing at home. They were too timid. They were too respectful of United. They were lucky they didn't lose by three or four or ten.
Chris Kamara: That's harsh, Roy. United's been on a good run recently.
Roy: Who gives a shit, Chris? That's no excuse to play like you're afraid of 'em. You could see it in their faces: Abject terror. Like children waiting in line for the handsy Father Christmas. Have some fu*king pride in your shirt or don't fu*king wear it.
Roy: (to his 8-year old girls football team) You listen to me! You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye, 'cause today, you all played like a bunch of little pricks! You hear me?
Team: Yes, Coach!
Roy: Except for Kokoruda. Way to put your body on the line out there.
Litle Girl: You know it, Coach.
Roy: All right, Monika's mum brought orange slices. Don't eat the peels, you animals. Off you go.
Keeley: Phoebe, how was the match today?
Phoebe: Outstanding. I got a red card for elbowing a girl in her neck.
Roy: And I'm very proud.
Roy: I see friends all the time.
Keeley: I know. You got your yoga mums. Don't you ever want anything more than sitting in child's pose, getting buzzed on rose, and gossiping about reality TV with a bunch of women that know nothing about you?
Roy: No, I love it.
Roy: I don't wanna be a fu#king football pundit, sat on fu%king telly in a dumb fu%king suit like a know-it-all twat. It's a shit job for shit people. I'd rather shit out my own fu^king mouth than do that fu$king shit.
Keeley: Got it.
Roy: We got a cup final next week.
John: In October... W-What cup's that?
Roy: West London under-nine girls.
John: Can I just say that your retirement speech was amazing. It's the first time my father's forwarded me an e-mail in the last five years that wasn't about the scourge of immigration. And that really meant a lot to me, so thank you.
Roy: Cheers.
Roy: Most people are fine. But it's not about him. It's about why the fu$k you think he deserves you. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by lightning. Don't you dare settle for fine. Not that it's any of my business.
Roy: Not sure if you know this, but the rules say you gotta pick a new captain.
Ted: No, sir. You're my captain. That's the rule.
Roy: No. The captain has to be on the pitch. That's the rule.
Ted: I say that the current captain has to pick the new captain. That's my new rule.
Roy: Don't want to.
Ted: Well, you have to.
Roy: I decline.
Ted: I insist.
Roy: Can't make me.
Ted: Roy Kent, until you choose your successor, your duties as captain of this squad remain unfulfilled.
Roy: This is why it's hard to love you.(Roy leaves)
Ted: You heard it, right?
Coach Beard: He loves you.
Jamie: Look, Keeley. When you're done feeding mushy peas to this old fart, then you give me a call. Look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Enjoy the view from the bench.
Keeley: What?
Roy: Well, now I want mushy peas.
Richmond Fans: Roy Kent! He's here, he's there, he's every-fu#king-where. Roy Kent! Roy Kent!
Roy: What if, God forbid, I end up having to play in fu#king America, where I'd dominate, by the way. They'd be like, "Oh, is this football then?"
Roy: I always end up with my watch being stolen or a story in the press about how my penis has a curve in it.
Keeley: Does it actually?
Roy: No, I just make it feel like it does with my hips.
Keeley: Keeley Jones, The Independent Woman insert on Sunday. Could you please elaborate on the hip movement that makes your penis feel like it has a curve in it?
Roy: Right, no more questions. We'll see you on the pitch.
Roy: (explaining) I do yoga with a group of women in their 60s. They have no idea who I am, it's twice a week and it's really good for my core. Normally only takes an hour, but Maureen's been going through a divorce and she needed to talk about it and blow off some steam. We all ended up at G-A-Y till 2:00 a.m. and then we had crepes in Balham with some drag queens. Like I said, it's private.
Keeley: I'm gonna kiss you now. Unless it's gonna make you run away again.
(Paparazzo takes photos of Roy and Keeley kissing...)
Roy: Where's your manners? You're supposed to ask before you take something.
(Takes the man's memory card)
Roy: For example, may I take this?
Paparazzo: No.
Roy: Well, I'm fu$king taking it. (Gives the memory card to Keeley) Here. It's pictures of our first date.
Roy: I was nine when I got scouted by Sunderland, and I'd never left London before. My granddad drove me all the way there, and it was freezing, and I was terrified.
(laughter)
Roy: I was fu*king nine! Say something! When I got there, he gave me this old blanket. He said it was to keep me warm and to remind me of home. And that was the last time I saw him. 'Cause he'd passed away by the time I got back for Christmas, so... That is why blankie means so much to me.
Issac: Did you just say "blankie"?
Roy: No, I said "blanket." Conversation over.
Rupert: And now, the only former Champions League winner on the menu, say hello to Roy Kent. And the highest bidder gets to spend a day at a swanky hotel by the pool drinking frozen daiquiris and soaking up the rays...
Roy: (abruptly) No, we said there's no daiquiris and no rays.
Roy: Never been much for public speaking or school, really. Always seemed like a waste of time to me. Why don't we get out of this stuffy auditorium, go out on the pitch and have a proper fu$k-about?
Roy: I've had it with your mind games and your stupid gifts. I mean, what even is A Wrinkle in Time?
Trent: It's a lovely novel. It's the story of a young girl's struggle with the burden of leadership as she journeys through space.
Ted: Yeah. That's it.
Roy: Am I supposed to be the little girl?
Ted: I'd like you to be.
Roy: (Reading to his niece) "Mrs. Which's voice was grave. 'What do you understand?' 'That it has to be me. Can't be anyone else.'"
(pauses)
Roy: Fu$k!
Phoebe: That's a bad word, Uncle Roy.
Roy: Oi. Walk away, you little prick.
Jamie Tartt: All right, granddad. Keep your wig on.
Roy: Oi! If I don't hear silence, I'm gonna start punching dicks.
Ted: It was real fun watching you out there today. You know, the boys really respond to you. It doesn't surprise me though. You've had a heck of a career.
Roy: Thank you. Never thought it would end being coached by Ronald fu*king McDonald.
(Roy Leaves)
Ted: You gonna let him call you that?
Coach Beard: I don't think he was referring to me.
Ted: He thinks he's mad now, wait till we win him over.
Coach Beard: He'll... be... furious.
