Ted Lasso Transcript

♪ Maybe it's much too early in the game ♪

♪ But I thought I'd ask you just the same ♪

♪ What are you doing New Year's… ♪

♪ New Year's Eve? ♪

[Mae] Oh, look at that. You won't get lipstick off with soap. To properly clean a glass, you've gotta use the paste. Baking soda, salt, water, and an F-you attitude.

[Henry] Oh.

[Mae] Then you rinse them and leave them to air-dry.

[Henry] Well, what's the rag for?

[Mae] [chuckles] Looks cool when you throw it over your shoulder.

[Henry] Mmm.

[Mae] Oh, yeah.


[Michelle] I've never seen you so interested in doing dishes before.

[Ted] Well, that's 'cause Mae is paying him.

[Mae] Hmm.

[Henry] It's a time and a half on holidays.

[Michelle] Oh, well, let's see if you make it to midnight.

[Henry] I'm ready. I've stayed up the past two nights till 1:00 a.m. with hardly any hallucinations.

[Mae] Great!

[Mae] Next lesson, rinsing the beer mats.

[Henry] Awesome.

[Mae] Mm-hmm. Come on.

[Ted chuckles]

[Michelle] You sure you don't want to go to this boat party with the team? You used to dream of being a private eye who lived on a boat.

[Ted] Yeah, I grew the mustache and everything, you know?

[Michelle] Yeah?

[Ted] No, I'm good. I want to be here with y'all. Trust me, those gals don't need me to have a fun time.

Cheers, guys!


Happy New Year!

[all cheering]

Whoo!

[Gemma] Do you guys think Alice is gonna come tonight?

[Margy] Well, technically, she's suspended, but maybe a boat party doesn't count.

[Niamh] Oh, yeah, 'cause it's technically international waters, isn't it?

[Siobhan] We're on a river in the middle of London, you wet wipe.

[Niamh] There's no need to be so fucking condescending all the time, Siobhan.

[Siobhan] Have a laugh, man. Come on. You just…

[Niamh] No, it's not funny.

[Lizzie] Stop, stop, stop. You two are not going to pull this shit today. I've paid a lot of money for a babysitter and I'd like to get drunk. So stop it, okay?

[Niamh] She's talking to you.

[Zelda] Oh, there you are. What are you doing out here? We can't have our guests of honor just standing out in the cold. Unless you can't feel it because you're all doing ketamine. Mmm? No, just me? All right. Well, come on! Come this way. Come on. Let me lead the way. Come on, please.

[cheering]

[Zelda] Welcome, welcome.

[Rebecca] Oh, great.


[Keeley] What?

[Rebecca] Now Matthijs has turned his Find My Phone off. He obviously thinks I'm trying to track him.

[Keeley] Which you would never do.

[Rebecca] Course not. [sighs]

[Keeley] He's probably just been mugged and had his phone stolen.

[Rebecca] [sighs] That'd be lovely.

[hissing]

[both] Ooh.

[Keeley] Thank you.

[Rebecca] Thank you. Looks like the color of the soap in my gym.

[Keeley] Cheers.

[Rebecca] Ding.

[Rebecca] Oh. Ah.

[Keeley] Mmm. Oh! Thanks. [chuckles]

[Rebecca] Steady on. Right.

[Keeley] Should we go?

[Rebecca] Through here?


[Keeley] Yeah. [gasps, laughs]

[Rebecca] [exclaims]

[electronic music playing]

[Rebecca] Uh, I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna text Matthijs, "Happy New Year," for midnight in Amsterdam. He'll know I'm thinking about him, so he'll message me back and we'll get into a bit of sexy, texty banter. And bish, bosh, everything's back on track.

[Keeley] I love that. But, in the meantime, it doesn't matter that Matthijs isn't here with you or that Roy isn't here with me. Because we have each other and that is all we need.

[Rebecca] Mmm. Is that Roy?

[Keeley] Where?

[servers hissing]

[glass breaks]

[Keeley] Oh, he's here.

[Rebecca] He's there.

[Keeley] And he's all alone.

[Rebecca] Thought you said he had a girlfriend.

[Keeley] He does. Or did. I mean, maybe they broke up because who doesn't spend New Year's without their girlfriend, right? Sorry.

[Rebecca] Hello, Roy.

[Roy] Rebecca.

[Keeley] Hello, Roy.

[Roy] Keeley.

[Rebecca] I didn't have you down as a vodka-launch-party kind of a guy.

[Roy] Oh, uh, I'm not here for the vodka. I'm here to watch a man make an absolute tit of himself.

[dramatic music playing]

[thunder rumbling]

[Keeley] Oh.

[Roy] Here we go.

[crowd chuckling]

[animal snorts]

[glass clinking]

[slurps]

[crowd cheers]

[Rebecca] Is that supposed to be Jamie?

[upbeat music playing]

[all exclaim]

[Jamie] First, God created Adam. And then he thought, "You need to get laid, son." So he asked Adam, "Can I have one of your ribs?" And Adam said, "Of course, mate. You're God. Knock yourself out." And God took that rib and made vodka.

[crowd cheering]

[chuckles]

[Jamie] What the fuck have they done to my face?

[Roy] He never misses.

[theme music playing]

[Julie] Such a lovely party. Thank you so much for inviting us.

[Zelda] Yeah.

[Julie] Leslie's not usually one for boats, but with his new motion sickness glasses, the odds of him vomiting everywhere are decreased significantly.

[Leslie] There's nothing more embarrassing than a case of seasickness.

[Zelda] Well, I'm not sure about that. You know, I just thought it was time that all my influential friends got to know this exciting new team and the brains behind it, you know? Oh, by the way, where is Rebecca?

[Leslie] Uh… Oh, I'm certain she's on her way.

[Zelda] You'd think with those long legs that she'd get places sooner, you know? 'Cause she's really tall, isn't she? Yeah, have you noticed that?

[Leslie] [chuckles] Yeah.

[Zelda] Yeah.

[Hugo] David Hockney, you bastard, where are my rollerblades?

[Zelda] Shut up, you doughnut. This is Leslie Higgins. He's the director of football at Richmond. And this is his charmingly age-appropriate wife, Julie.

[Julie] It's me.

[Zelda] Unfortunately, this is Hugo Riddles. I don't like him. I don't trust him. He's my best friend.

[Julie laughs]

[Zelda] Tony fucking Blair. You little war criminal. Come here and give me a kiss.

[Hugo] My, oh my, aren't you delicious?

[Julie giggles]

[Hugo] Oh, yes, you are.

[Julie] [giggling, stammers] Leslie.

[Margy] Oh, this is wild. It's like Great Gatsby and the host is Maleficent.

[Mady] I told some creepy, rich dude that I was a professional athlete and he propositioned me.

[Margy] What? For sex?

[Mady] No, he wants to buy my blood.

[Margy] Oh. Well, we do want to get a new couch.

[Boots] I am telling you, we are one blindfolded piano player away from this turning into an Eyes Wide Shut situation.

[Margy] Oh, God, no.

[Lizzie] Wow. That's great.

[Gemma] Oh, no, no. Okay, Lizzie, just chill out a bit, yeah? Act like you've been here before.

[Lizzie] I have not been here before, Gemma. And it is very, very unlikely I'll ever be here again, okay? In fact, turn around. Make sure no one's looking.

[Gemma] At what?

[Lizzie] Make sure no one's fucking looking. Turn around.

[Gemma] Oh, my God.

[Lizzie] Don't draw attention to me.

[Gemma] Oh, my God.

[Lizzie] Ready?

[Gemma] Oh, my God.

[Lizzie] Shield me.

[Gemma] Yep, yep, okay.

[Lizzie] Keep shielding.

[Gemma] Aw, yes.

[Gemma] Ham, really?

[Lizzie] Yeah, absolutely.

[Gemma] Okay. Done?

[Lizzie] Yes.

What up, squad?

[players cheering]

You look nice!

Oh, my God!

Wow!

Tonight is my rebirth.

Baby, new year, but with swagger.

[players cheering]

[Lizzie] Very nice.

As you were, happy New Year.

[laughing]

Yeah.

You both are wearing the same outfit.

[groans] Not the same.

No.

[Gemma] Hey, Coach. Is Alice coming tonight?

I don't know.

[Gemma] Hmm.

[Camille] What do you mean you don't know? This is your 14th outfit. Do you want me to just pick for you?

[Alice] No. No, you've already done my makeup for me. Purple was a crazy choice, by the way, for a face. [sighs] Okay, I've thought about it, and I think I'm overthinking it. It's very simple. I just wanna look authentic, but also modest, but also, like, stand out but not too much. Like, just a little bit, just-just enough that they're like, "Oh, man, she's really cool. We've really missed her." Something… I don't know. I'm bitching.

[Camille] Hey. Look, I know you're stressed, but it's a party. It'll be fun.

[Alice] [sighs] Nobody even wants me there. Shouldn't even be going. I'm still suspended, remember?

[Camille] "Reject the sense of injury and the injury itself disappears." And who knows? Maybe then have a little dance.

[Alice] [chuckles] Yeah, maybe. If the DJ isn't shit.

[Camille laughs]

[Alice] Okay, please. Please, will you get dressed and come with me? Please. You can wear one of my 13 discarded outfits. You can wear… Oh, you can wear the suit. Fuck me, you would look so good in the suit.

[Camille] [grunts] No. No, look, I've told you, I'm not going.

[Alice] Why?

[Camille] Because if I go, you'll just hide behind me and my effortless charm and my crazy impressive reference level, and you won't talk to anybody. Especially if I'm wearing that suit. Then you're gonna want to leave after 30 minutes.

[Alice] Does not sound like me.

[Camille] [chuckles] Babe. I know how much this team means to you. Maybe it's time you let yourself show them.

[Alice] How? By standing around, drinking champagne, making small talk? Sounds fucking horrible. Except the drinking part, which I can do here, where nobody hates me. All right. You're missing out on a very good midnight kiss. I've been saving up.

[Camille] Oh.

[Alice] Mmm.

[Camille] Thing is, I don't have to kiss you at midnight. I can kiss you when you go to bed tonight. And I can kiss you when you wake up tomorrow. And I can kiss you now.

[Alice] [chuckles] Go on then.

[Camille chuckles]

[laughs]

[Alice] I know what I'm gonna wear. [snaps fingers] I know what I'm gonna wear.

[squeals]

[Rebecca] Ooh!

[Keeley] Cheers!

[Rebecca, Keeley laughs]

[Jamie] I can't believe they made me look like that, man. Fuck. They bottled it. They bottled the bottle.

[Keeley] Oh, but at least the vodka tastes bloody good.

[Rebecca] Yeah.

[Jamie] Who cares, man? I look like a two-eyed cyclops.

[Roy] I think they captured you perfectly.

[Keeley] Oi.

[Jamie] Anyway… [clears throat] …it's good to see ya.

[Keeley] Yeah?

[Jamie] I mean, Barcelona's great and all that. But I miss the boys, I miss you lot, innit?

[Rebecca] Oh.

[Jamie] It's just different cultures. You know what I mean? It's mostly just tapas and napas there. Seriously, we get scheduled naps every day. I think that that's the secret to the team's success. Mostly napping.

[Rebecca] And how's your Spanish coming along?

[Jamie] Très bien, merci. So, come on, did you miss me?

[Roy] Fuck off.

[Jamie] He fucking missed me.

[Keeley] He fucking missed you.

[Roy] I haven't missed you at all. It's fucking better without you. If-If anything, it's a relief.

[Jamie] If you miss me, tell me to fuck off.

[Roy] groans]

[Jamie] Mmm. Mmm.

[Keeley laughs]

[Rebecca] Should we have another quick round of tarttinis before we head off to Zelda's, you know, whatever it is?

[Keeley] [gasps] Oh! Do you gentlemen perhaps feel like joining us for a boat party tonight?

[Roy groans]

[Jamie] Can't. Gotta stay here till at least midnight, contractually. Unless there's some sort of family emergency or an act of God like, um, a earthquake or crucifixion.

[Roy] I would love to, but sadly, I have other plans. Sorry.

[Keeley] What? That's okay. [chuckles]

[Roy] In fact, I really should get going.

[Keeley] Oh.

[Rebecca] What w… Okay. Bye, Roy.

[Roy] Happy New Year.

[Rebecca] And you.

[Keeley] Bye, Roy. Happy New Year.

[Roy] Happy New Year, Keeley.

[Keeley] Yeah, you too.

[Jamie] Hey, all jokes aside though, Roy, appreciate you coming through and supporting me tonight. You're like the brother I never had.

[Roy] Yeah, you too.

[Jamie] A brother who was kidnapped by the government because they thought he was a werewolf due to the fact he was so fucking hairy, but…

[Rebecca] This isn't horrible.

[Keeley] I'm obsessed.

[Jamie] I know.

["Jump Around" playing]

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump ♪

[Jamie] Okay. Okay.

♪ Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump Everybody, jump ♪

♪ Pack it up, pack it in Let me begin ♪

♪ I came to win Battle me, that's a sin ♪

♪ I won't ever slack up Punk, ya better back up… ♪

[Keeley] Men do love a song with an instruction, right?

[Rebecca] Like a grown-up version of "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes."

♪ I came to get down I came to get down ♪

♪ So get out your seat And jump around ♪

♪ Jump around… ♪

[knee cracking]

[Roy] Whoa! [grunts]

[Rebecca] Oh, my God!

[Keeley] Oh, shit!

[Rebecca] Okay, okay.

Roy, no! No!

[Roy] [groans] Oh, fuck! I shouldn't have jumped around!

[Jamie] You had no choice, Roy!

[Roy] Fuck!

[Keeley] Roy, are you okay? Can you get up?

[Roy] [groans] I think my knee's exploded. [groans] What the fuck are you doing?

[Jamie] I always knew I'd end up looking after you one day.

[Roy groaning]

[Jamie straining]

[Roy] Fuck. Put me down! Fuck! This is humiliating!

[Jamie] We're getting you out of here! Move, everyone! I'm saving Private Roy!

[Roy] No!

[Ted] So, how's the book coming along?

[Michelle] Oh, it's been really fun.

[Ted] Oh, yeah?

[Michelle] I found all these gems about Mark Twain's time abroad, but then I'm like, I don't know. Is anyone going to care about the adventures of an American in London?

[Ted grunts]

[Michelle] And what about you? How's work?

[Ted] Hmm. Oh, thanks for asking. Um, yeah. I mean, it's good. I think. [grunts] You know…

[Michelle] I actually don't know. All I know is you're not at the team party tonight. Is everything okay?

[Henry] Ma'am. Sir. Nibbles and bits at your service.

[Michelle] Okay.

[Ted] Thank you.

[Mae] With a side of party hats.

[Michelle] Oh. Thank you.

[Ted] Oh, of course. [chuckles]

[Henry] Uh, put them on.

[Michelle] Oh, very sorry.

[Ted] Yes, sir. Okay, yeah. Right away.

[Mae] Rookies.

[Henry scoffs]

[Michelle chuckles]

[Ted] Hmm. Boy, that waiter is a little bossy, huh?

[Michelle] I'm still waiting for an answer.

[Ted] Yeah, well, I… You know, I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling a little, uh, all at sea these days, you know. Probably why I didn't want to spend the night on a boat.

[Michelle] So you're feeling adrift?

[Ted] Uh, yeah, cinematically speaking, I am on a raft and Wilson is just floating away.

[Michelle] Well, it's not surprising.

[Ted] Hmm?

[Michelle] You always could be thrown off by a Wilson. Wilson was a woman.

[Ted] What? No, come on. No, Wilson was definitely a fella. Yeah. Uh, otherwise, Tom Hanks's whole relationship with him would have been wildly inappropriate to Helen Hunt's character.

[Michelle] Fine. So now you have an entire team of non-Wilsons rattling you.

[Ted] Well, I wouldn't say they're rattling me, but there are a lot of them. And a coach that I believe in. I'm not sure I did the right thing by suspending her.

[Michelle] The amount of times I've seen you doubt yourself, Ted… [sighs]

[Ted] Mmm. Yeah.

[Michelle] You know what Mark Twain would say?

[Ted] Mmm. What's that?

[Michelle] When in doubt, tell the truth.

[Ted] I like that.

[Michelle] But I know you're a great coach. You know why?

[Ted] [scoffs] No, why?

[Michelle] You taught me how to throw a dart.

["Get Up (I Feel Like Being a Sex Machine)" playing]

[Ted] All right. Play again.

[Michelle] Yeah.

♪ Get on up Stay on the scene ♪

♪ Get on up Like a sex machine ♪

♪ Get on up, get up Get on up, get up ♪

♪ Get on up Stay on the scene ♪

♪ Get on up Like a sex machine ♪

♪ Get on up, get up… ♪

[Zelda] Beard.

♪ Get on up Like a sex machine ♪

[Claudine laughs]

[Zelda] Yes.

[Claudine] Whoa. [chuckles]

[Zelda] I want you to meet Claudine. She's my Botox injector, my facialist, my wellness shop mixologist. She's my microdoser.

[Beard] I can't tell if you're serious.

[Zelda] Well, that's because of the Botox. Look, no emotions. Like… [gasps] …my dog is dead. My dog is dead.

[Beard] You… You do very good work.

[Claudine] Thank you.

[Zelda] Yeah. This is the guy I was telling you about. This is Beard.

[Claudine] Mmm. So it is.

[Zelda] Yeah. I'll leave you to it. Nigel Farage, I'm gonna make you walk the fucking plank. Come here.

[Claudine] Pleasure to meet you.

[Beard] Mmm.

[Claudine] [chuckles] Zelda tells me you have a lot of good Burning Man stories.

[Beard] Well, I've heard it said that Burning Man has some great stories about me.

[Claudine chuckles]

[laughing]

[Siobhan] Hey. What's that guy's story?

Oh.

Who? Which one?

[Siobhan] The one that's dressed like Ace Ventura.

[speaking inaudibly]

[Boots] He is the richest guy here. He basically invented virtual reality, but now he, um… Now he makes weapons.

[Gemma] Hey, Lizzie, are you jealous of his cargo shorts?

Imagine the meat and cheese you could fit in there.

Mmm.

[Lizzie] Well, you're all saying that, but at 1:00 a.m., you're all going to be gagging for my purse ham.

[all clamoring]

Purse ham?

Never again. Never again.

Hey, look.

Whoo!

Guys, guys, look who showed up.

[Niamh] Whoa. [chuckles]

What is she doing?

[Margy] It looks like she's malfunctioning.

See, I told you she was a robot.

[Gemma] Hey, cut her some slack. Took guts to show up.

[Margy] Oh, when did you become so understanding?

[Gemma] It's my New Year's resolution. It's that or eat healthier, and I'm not doing that.

[Alice] Hello.

Hiya!

[Alice] Hi, sorry I'm late.

[Gemma] It's fine.

Don't worry, the people here are absolutely mental.

[Alice] You all look very nice.

That suit looks bloody gorgeous.

Stunning.

Do you want that?

Lovely tie.

[Alice] Oh, cheers.

Cheers!

Cheers!

[Alice] I actually, on the way over here–

[Zelda] I want you to meet these badasses because I'm in awe of them. You really are badasses. This is my friend Hugo. He is the worst.

[Hugo] I really am an enormous piece of shit.

[Zelda laughs]

[chuckling]

These people are really weird, right?

[Siobhan] Aw, do they frighten you, little baby?

Yeah, kinda.

[Siobhan] Yeah, me too.

[Zelda] This team… Hugo, they're really going places. They've got the best coaches. They've got that Ted Lasso guy, and they've got that guy who's called Beard. Oh, my God, you would love him. He'd hate you. And we have Gemma Jay. Oh, you're a superstar. You really are the future of this sport. Superstar in the making.

[Gemma] Thank you.

[Lizzie] Superstar, no less.

Way too good a star.

[Zelda] Oh. Sorry, excuse me. I have to go. Prince Andrew's trying to get back on the boat. [grunts]

[chuckles]

[Hugo] Ah. I once shorn a peasant to this song.

[Boots] [chuckles] Don't you mean "pheasant"?

[Hugo] Sure.

[vocalizing] Ow, ow…

[Jamie] So, a-are they gonna donate his old knee to science or something, because if they don't, do you think I could have it? I've got this idea for a necklace with his patella.

Once again, the doctor will be able to answer all your questions.

Questions. Yeah.

[Erin] Hi. Sorry, I came as quick as I could. Hello. Oh, hello, everyone.

Hi.

Hello, Doctor.

Hello, Doctor.

[Erin] You all right?

Fuck me, she's gorgeous and a doctor?

[Rebecca] Mmm. God giveth and God giveth to her.

[Erin] Have you given him anything?

Beer.

Yeah, we gave him the good stuff.

[Rebecca] Did you?

[Rebecca snorts]

[laughs]

[Erin] So what happened then? I thought we were meeting at 10:00 and then you just stopped responding to my texts.

[Roy sighs]

[Keeley] Wait.

[Jamie] Uh, doctor lady, I can explain. See, "Jump Around" came on, so…

[Erin] Right. No, I get it. Say no more.

Yeah.

[Erin] I was at med school during "Crank That Soulja Boy."

[scoffs]

[Erin] Lost a few good men.

[chuckles]

[Erin] Oh.

I was in a House of Pain.

[Erin] Were you?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's okay. It's okay.

[Erin] Are you drunk?

No.

How dare you…

[Rebecca] Uh, he's had quite a skinful, Doctor.

[Jamie] Oh, yeah, Jamie Tartt's tart apple vodka coming to a shelf near you. [grunts, chuckles] Um, but don't, uh… Don't… Don't actually look at the label though.

[Keeley] And he's slightly allergic to penicillin. He claims he has hay fever, but I'm pretty sure it's just to cover up that he's crying at Inside Out 2. And, uh, he shouldn't go too long without a protein bar or he gets all weird.

[Roy chuckles]

[Erin] All right, well, thank you. Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to ask any non-immediate family to leave the room while I sort this one out.

[Rebecca] Oh. Yes, of course.

[Jamie] Hey. Don't you die.

[Roy] Wassup!

Oh, you can stay to look after your dad, love.

[Jamie] [chuckles] Uh, thank you, but it's too hard seeing him like this. I think I'll wait outside. Good luck, Dad! [chuckles]

What a fucking arsehole.

[Rebecca] Let's get you a tea. Okay.

[Gemma] Don't jump!

[Alice] Oh, my God, no. I… I wasn't. I was just, um, having a minute.

[Gemma] I'm kidding.

[Alice] Well, yeah, obviously. Thanks.

[Gemma] I mean, if one of us dies, it'll be from an Illuminati blood ritual, right?

[Alice] Yeah. Well, I hope my iron deficiency makes me a less desirable candidate.

[Gemma] Cheers.

[Alice] Ah.

[chuckles]

[Gemma] I think it's cool that you came.

[Alice] Yeah, well, you know, I wanted to bring in the new year with my team.

[Gemma] You're doing a great job of it, mate.

[Alice] [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah. I'm really glad you're playing football again. Even if you are studying law for some reason.

[Gemma] Oh, I do that for the student discount at Pret.

[Alice] [chuckles] What does a rich kid need with a discount?

[Gemma] Rich kid? I'm a full-time student whose day job is in women's football. I'll take all the help I can get.

[Alice grunts]

[Gemma] Can I say something slightly personal? If you hate it, you can just throw me overboard. When we played together, you were–

[Alice] I know I was. I'm really sorry.

[Gemma] I didn't mean to be dramatic or anything. It's just weird being around you again. In a good way, mostly. It's just different. [chuckles] 'Cause you were an arsehole.

[Alice] [scoffs] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was. [chuckles] I think I still am really.

[Gemma] What? Why?

[Alice] Well, the team hate me for a start.

[Gemma] They don't hate you, they're just figuring you out.

[Alice] Hmm.

[Gemma] You're intense. Sometimes people need a minute with intense. For what it's worth, I like you. Even when you're being an arsehole.

[Alice] Aw, thank you.

[Gemma] You're welcome. [chuckles]

[Michelle] Did you know that The Adventures of Tom Sawyer came out in England six months before it came out in America? You know why?

[Ted] What? He ticked the wrong box on the paperwork?

[Michelle] No, because the only way to secure the British copyright was to publish it here first. That one choice made him a fortune.

[Ted] Ooh, I love me a business savvy satirist.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Happy New Year, lady Coach.

And Coach's lady.

[Ted] Hey, fellas. Uh… Y'all remember Michelle.

I guess.

Of course. And I think it's so mature, even though you guys are divorced, you're still giving each other's midnight kiss.

[Ted] Oh, no. It's not like that.

[Michelle] No, we're just good friends.

Oh, in that case, Michelle, if you're feeling lonely at 11:59, come find me.

[Michelle] Oh.

What is wrong with you?

I'm just trying to put myself out there, Baz.

I'm so proud of you.

[Jeremy] Ah, thanks, man.

[Michelle] They raise an interesting question though.

[Ted] Mmm.

[Michelle] Is there anybody out there these days that you'd like to be kissing at midnight?

[Ted] I, um… Hey, Mae. What happened to that new employee of yours?

[Mae] [chuckles] Follow me. … Adorable. I will have to dock his wage.

[Ted] Of course. Yeah.

[Michelle] Yeah.

[Keeley] [sighs, scoffs] I mean, you both saw how she said, "Immediate family only," right? You did. It was… it was rude. She wasn't even in scrubs. I think that's really unprofessional. Yeah, I think I'm gonna… I'm gonna report her to the medical board. I need to do that because she was unprofessional, she was mean, and she was really fucking hot.

[Rebecca] [sighs] Well, maybe we should ask them if they've got any of those drugs they gave Roy.

[Keeley] I mean… Oh.

[phone ringing]

[staff] Paging Dr. Brown. Dr. Brown, please dial…

[Keeley] [gasps] Oh, it's Roy's sister. Sorry.

[Jamie] Tell her I said hi.

[Keeley] I will. Hi, Jenni. Yeah, Tartt says hi. We're all here.

[DJ] Thanks for spending your New Year's Eve with Soft Rock Hits. It's 40 minutes to midnight. Hope you're with the one you love. This one goes out to my missus. "She Believes in Me" by Kenny Rogers.

["She Believes in Me" playing]

[Jamie] It's fun, innit? Just like old times.

[Rebecca] [sighs]

[Jamie] Oh, fucking hell, I'm so… I'm… I'm so shit at small talk.

[Rebecca] Jamie, no. Really, it's not you. Um… I just… I had the most amazing thing come into my life and because it wasn't perfect, I've just… screwed it. Sorry. It's just… You know…

[Jamie] That's exactly like my vodka label.

[Rebecca] In what way?

[Jamie] Okay, so, the original label, I looked amazing, right? Abs were shredded, had the perfect centimeter of ass cleavage, but I wanted more. Something I learned about myself actually, Rebecca, I always want more.

[Rebecca] Right, I-I remember that in your contractual negotiations. You wanted an atrium in your locker.

[Jamie] As if I have a fucking scooby of what an atrium was. Still don't. [scoffs] Anyway, so I goes to him, I said, "Oh, this don't stand up to the Jamie Tartt standards. You've got to redo it again." So I go to all the graphite design dweebs and I say, "You gotta do it. You do it over the weekend." I take away their Sunday Funday, and for what?

[Rebecca] Hmm.

[Jamie] An Adam with a squashed face, disgusting. Sometimes, perfect is the opposite of good, you know what I mean?

[Rebecca] Did you just come up with that?

[Jamie] No. It's Voltron, French philosopher.

[Rebecca] Oh, no. I think you mean Voltaire.

[Jamie] What, the cartoon robot? Wouldn't know. Fucking nerd.

[Rebecca chuckles]

["Love Letter" playing]

♪ Be my lover, love letter ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Won't you help me get out of my head ♪

[Julie] Food is delicious.

Yeah, I'll give you the name of my caterer. They can get fried dodo legs.

Uh… Miss Southport.

Yeah?

[Zelda] No, Miss Southport. That's my old roommate whose identity I stole. What?

I don't know.

[Zelda] Call me Zelda.

Yes, well, I just got off a call from Rebecca, and unfortunately, her and Keeley won't be able to make it tonight. Don't shoot the messenger.

[Zelda] [sighs] I quite hate that phrase. I'll shoot whoever I want. [scoffs] Scoot.

[Julie] Oh.

[sighs]

[Zelda] Um, attention, everyone. I have some very tragic news to report. It seems that Rebecca Welton will not be attending our amazing soirée.

[groaning]

[Zelda] I know, I know. No, no, no. No, I know. It's actually quite punk rock of her, not to attend her own team's party, you know. Mad respect. [kisses]

[laughing]

[Zelda] Look at us. We're just a-a gaggle of female footballers and some outlandishly wealthy pricks. [laughing] I'll be brief. Our guests of honor, the Lady Greyhounds. I wanna make a toast to you lot, to the AFC Football Women! Yeah!

[cheering]

[gasp]

[guest] Oh, my God.

[Zelda] Now, who's ready to take this party to the next level?

[crowd] Ooh…

[classical music playing]

[grunts]

[crowd cheers]

[Gemma] Uh… What do you think, Coach?

[Alice] I think we get the fuck out of here.

[Gemma] Yep. Go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!

[Niamh] Nah, we're getting fucking out.

[footballers clamoring]

[Lizzie] Nah, I'm too drunk for this.

Amazing.

What're you waiting for? Come on!

[Boots] [laughs] I called it!

[Niamh] Get in here! Go!

[Boots] [chuckles] Fucking freaks.

[door opens]

[Ted] Well, we do not have to worry about whispering because that kid's out colder than your dad on Thanksgiving.

[Michelle] His flag project is great.

[Ted] Yeah?

[Michelle] Did he let you help him?

[Ted] Heck, no. That's what he's been doing till 1:00 a.m. the last couple of nights. I've been falling asleep on the couch here. You want a beer?

[Michelle] Yes, please.

[Ted] You got it.

[Michelle] You still haven't answered my question.

[Ted] Hmm.

[Michelle] Is there someone out there you'd like to be kissing at midnight?

[Ted] Hmm. If you're gonna make me talk about this, I'm gonna have something stronger than a beer. You down?

[Michelle] Yeah.

[Ted] All right, let's cook. Mm-mmm. Geez Louise.

[Michelle sighs]

[Ted] [grunts] Well, to answer your question. No, there isn't anyone.

[Michelle] Really?

[Ted] Mm-mmm.

[Michelle] What about Rebecca's friend, Snazzy?

[Ted] Oh, you mean Sassy. [chuckles]

[Michelle] Sure.

[Ted] Yeah, well, I mean, her and I's thing was really more just, uh–

[Michelle] Fucking.

[Ted] [gulps] I was gonna say friendly, but you're the writer.

[Michelle] Oh, God.

[Ted] And yeah. [chuckles]

[Michelle] So, wait, you haven't gone on a single date since we split up?

[Ted] Yes, I have. Yeah, no, uh… You remember, uh… Henry's friend, Jackson? His mom and I went go-karting that one time.

[Michelle] That wasn't a date. That was her son's birthday party that no one went to because the whole school got lice except for you two somehow.

[Ted] Yeah, that was a real head scratcher. Okay, well, what can I say? I'm sorry I didn't have a shady therapist pursuing me, making my return to dating so easy. [chuckles]

[Michelle] What are you talking about?

[Ted] Mmm. You and Dr. Jacob. That guy manipulated that whole situation because he had the hots for you.

[Michelle] That's not what happened, Ted. He didn't pursue me. If anything, it was the other way around. [sighs] After our divorce, I hated myself. For over a year, I sat at home every night vacillating between feeling guilty and feeling confused, always putting on a brave face for Henry. And then… one day, I'm grocery shopping in my pajamas and I see Jake haggling with the cashier over an expired coupon. I asked him out on the spot. And he said no, because I was a former client. I insisted. "Nothing romantic," I said, and it wasn't, not for months. I was just sad and lonely, and I just thought, well… if I'm going to spend time with someone, it might as well be somebody that already knows all my shit so I don't have to explain it all, and they don't have to come figure it out.

[Ted] I didn't know you were going through all that.

[Michelle] How could you? I feel a lot better now, but I do worry about you. I've learned divorce makes us do crazy things, but it doesn't make you a failure.

[Ted] [chuckles] Mmm. You remember my first head coaching job down at Fort Scott?

[Michelle] God, and that tiny apartment?

[Ted] [scoffs] You couldn't fit a large pizza in that joint. Every morning, I'd wake up, I'd be like, "Uh-oh, today's the day. They're gonna sniff me out. They're gonna send me packing." Not you though. Nope. You just kept on encouraging me. Writing me little notes. Making signs that I could hang up in my office.

[Michelle] [chuckling] Yeah.

[Ted] You always could see things in me that I couldn't see in myself at times. Good and bad. So, yeah, you're right. I gotta keep telling my truth at work. Whoever I'm coaching. Or coaching with. And yes, I should probably ask someone out on a date.

[Michelle] Well, as Mark Twain would say, "Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection."

[Ted] Mmm. Wait. Are we talking about coaching or dating?

[Michelle] I'm just talking about Mark Twain.

[Ted] You're damn right.

[both chuckle]

[Claudine] You are wild. I cannot believe that you were at Burning Man during the Great Whiteout of '07. I actually, I vividly remember reading about it on MySpace at Brownies on my parents' computer.

[Beard] It's the exact same experience.

[Claudine] Yeah, exactly the same.

[both laughing]

[Claudine] I think it's almost midnight.

[Beard] Yeah, it looks like it.

[Claudine] Oh, my feet are a bit chilly. Do you mind?

[Beard] Oh, please, here.

[Claudine] Cool. Thank you. I hate being cold.

[Beard] You know what I hate?

[Claudine] What?

[Beard] Waiting till midnight.

[Claudine] Oh. Uh…

[Beard] Oh.

[Claudine] Oh, no.

[Beard] Oh! That-That's a shame. I… [clears throat]

[Claudine] You're great. Actually, you're-you're really fun and-and really interesting.

[Beard] I know.

[Claudine] It's just, uh… you're old.

[Beard] Factually accurate.

[Claudine] Yeah.

[Beard] Objectively true. [chuckles] Uh… But that's my misread. Sorry. Sorry about that.

[Claudine] Cool. We're good.

[Beard] Oh, thank you. Oh, hey!

[Claudine] Bud.

[both chuckle]

[Beard] That's energy for the new year.

[Claudine] I'm gonna get a drink. Do you want a drink?

[Beard] I'm good.

[Claudine] Okay. [chuckles]

[Beard] I'm good. See you… See you on the playa.

[Claudine] On the… playa?

[Siobhan] Oh. [laughing] Happy New Year, everybody!

[Lizzie] Happy New Year!

[Gemma] Do you think they have another one of these?

Happy New Year! Happy New Year!

Oh! Oh!

[footballers cheering]

[Lizzie] Happy New Year, bitches!

[tense music playing]

[Niamh] Bet you will there.

[Lizzie] Yeah.

Hey. Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie, look.

[Lizzie] What? What?

Siobhan.

[Boots] May I have that please?

We were hoping we'd bump into you lot again. You all got fucking robbed by Chelsea!

Were you there?

Fuck yeah, we were there.

Yeah, we love pineapple now.

He means you guys.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Well, let's be friends then!

[cheering]

[Boots] Sorry, I forgot I don't drink. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

[Mae] Oi, ah! You lot are still banned till the end of the year, which is in 15 minutes. So until then, why don't you take it out on the green? Here, entertain yourselves with this.

[Siobhan] Let's go!

[cheering]

[Jenni] So sorry we're out of town, Roy. Don't worry, Phoebs and I will be there first thing in the morning, okay?

[Roy] Thank you, Mr. President.

[Keeley chuckling]

[Jenni] [chuckling] What?

[Keeley] No, it's your sister, babe. It's Jenni.

[Roy] Thank you, Mr. Jenni.

[Jenni] They gave him the good stuff, huh?

[Keeley] Yeah.

[Jenni] Well, don't worry. He's in good hands.

[Keeley] Yeah. Happy New Year, Jenni.

[Jenni] You too.

[Keeley] Give a kiss to Phoebs, will you?

[Jenni] Yeah, will do. Bye.

[Keeley] Bye.

[Roy] Thank you, Keeley.

[Keeley] Guess what? It's almost midnight.

[Roy] [gasps] Oh, no, am I in trouble?

[Keeley] No. [chuckling] Not at all.

[Keeley] Oh, sorry. I was just letting Roy talk to his sister.

That's all right.

[Keeley] I'm heading out now. It's nice to meet you.

Likewise.

[Keeley] Happy New Year. Yeah.

Happy New Year.

[Erin] Right. Hello.

[Roy] [sighs] I'm glad you stayed. I wanted to tell you something.

[Erin sighs]

[Roy] Meeting you has actually been one of the loveliest things that's ever happened in my life. So random. There was no way of knowing that was gonna be the start of something. But I love how I feel when I'm around you. And I loooove you.

[Erin chuckling]

[Roy] I love you, Keeley.

[Erin] Yeah. All right. [chuckles] All right. Come on, then. Let's tuck you in.

[Roy grunts]

[Erin] You rest up, Mr. Kent.

[Roy sighs]

[Ted] You know, I actually did meet someone pretty interesting recently.

[Michelle] Oh, what's her name?

[Ted] I don't know.

[Michelle] Where'd you meet her?

[Ted] Backstage at a theater.

[Michelle] Is she an actress?

[Ted] Mm-mmm. No, she's a stage manager.

[Michelle] Well, you should ask her out.

[Ted] Would that be okay?

[Michelle] Yes, Ted. Better than okay.

[people chattering, laughing]

Happy New Year!

[clamoring, cheering]

[Michelle] Why don't you go down there, ring in the new year with them? I'll stay here with Henry. Go be with your team.

[Ted] So, no midnight kiss then for either of us, huh?

[Michelle] Hmm. How about an 11:57 hug?

[Ted] That old tradition. Come on, come here.

[Michelle chuckles]

[Ted] Hey. Thank you for always believing in me.

[Michelle] Go.

[Ted] Hmm.

[Zelda] Okay. Okay, you reprobates. Are you ready for the countdown?

[cheering]

[Zelda] Yeah!

[chattering continues]

Mmm! You can still… Hey, it's fucking… It's fucking Ted!

What's he doing here?

[cheering]

[Ted] What the heck are you all doing down here?

Yeah, we're barred still.

[Ted] Oh, right!

[Lizzie] Hey! Oi! It's nearly time!

[phone chimes]

[DJ] Well, folks, it's about that time. Thanks for spending your New Year's Eve with Soft Rock Hits. If you're not next to the one you love, look around the room and, hey, pucker those lips, you never know. The countdown begins now.

Ten! Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

[DJ] Four. Three. Two. One.

[phone chimes]

[Matthijs] Here. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year!

[cheering]

[gunshots]

[screams]

[Leslie] Jesus! Quick, let's go! Let's go!

[screaming]

Happy New Year!

[cheering]

[Boots] Happy New Year.

[Alice] Happy New Year.

[no audible dialogue]

["Auld Lang Syne" playing]

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind? ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And auld lang syne? ♪

♪ For auld lang syne, my dear ♪

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

[Rebecca] How are you here? You didn't answer any of my texts.

[Matthijs] Yeah, well, uh… it wasn't midnight in London yet.

[Rebecca] But you turned off F-Find My Phone.

[Matthijs] I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

[Rebecca] [whispers] That's Jamie Tartt.

[Ted] [chuckles] Happy New Year, Coach.

[Alice] You too.

[Ted] Yeah. Yeah.

[Alice] Would you like a… hug or something?

[Ted] Yeah, okay. Come on. Bring it in. Let's do it. Good to see you. Yeah, I'll see you at work.

[Alice] Yes.

[Lizzie] Hey, Coach. Coach. Happy New Year. Um… Listen. I know you think that we don't like you. But we really like you. We really like you, okay?

[Gemma] Hey.

[Alice] Did you tell the team what I said? Have you just all been talking about me behind my back?

[Gemma] No, no, no, I… No, I… I was just trying to help.

[Alice] Okay, all right. Well, I don't need your help, okay?

["Auld Lang Syne" continues playing]

[shouting] ♪ For auld lang syne, my dear… ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And auld lang syne ♪

♪ And auld lang syne ♪

♪ And auld lang syne ♪

[fireworks hissing, cracking]