Ted Lasso Transcript

["The Tracks of my Tears" playing]

[sighs]

Doesn't feel real, Mae being gone.

I'm sorry about your loss, boys.

Hey, it's your loss too.

Yeah, we didn't know her like you did, though.

Yeah, Mae was like a mum to us, which meant a lot because we all grew up with shit mums.

That's not true. I love my mum.

Yeah, my mum's incredible.


Yeah, my mum's sweet too.

[murmuring]

Okay, great. That must be nice.

All your great f**king mums.

Let's keep today about Mae, yeah?

To Mae.

[chuckles]

To Mae.

To pineapple.

So I see you lost the tan.

Yeah, out of respect for Mae.

She thought it came off as anti-Brit.

And the diamond stud?

Mae thought it was pretentious.

Oh.

Henry: Mmm.

But you kept the dangly earring.

Oh, Mae liked that.


Oh.

She said it reminded her of the ear tag on her favorite sheep.

Michelle: Oh.

Wait, Mae had a favorite sheep?

All: Doug!

[stammers]

Oh, wow.

You think you know someone.

Thank you. Yep.

Okay.

Roll up for the sweet nectar of Ireland.

Here you go.

Mae's favorite, everyone. Get in.

Mae was Irish, was she?

No, but we are, so get it right.

Okay, little game, yeah?

So first go, glug, glug, glug. You gotta split the G on the Guinness.

Oh, yeah. This is like an Irish tradition, innit?


I think you'll find that this juvenile practice actually originated in Britain.

[attendees groaning, murmuring]

Oh, hold on.

Oh. [mutters]

[clamoring]

[cheering]

I hate funerals, but I love the drinks after.

Mmm.

The service cracks you open and the booze fills in the gaps.

Hmm. Until it doesn't.

Mmm.

To Mae.

To Mae.

[phone buzzing]

Oh.

[grunts] Oh, dear.

What is it?

You're in trouble.


[buzzing continues]

I'm gonna take this outside.

[huffs, whimpering]

Are you okay?

Keeley: Yeah, I'm okay, babe.

[phone ringing]

It seems like it comes and goes in... [retching]

[groans, exhales sharply] ...in waves.

[phone ringing]

Roy: F**k off.

[toilet flushes]

[door opens]

Keeley: Ooh.

That was close.

Roy: Mmm.

[exhales sharply]

Oh, thanks, babe.

Nope, nope, gross.

Roy: Sorry, okay.

[grunts, sighs]

Ooh.

So do you have any lingering funeral thoughts you need to purge?

Uh...

Yeah. I worry that Mae's death is our fault.

We're pregnant.

We're bringing one soul into the world, so another one has to go.

Who the f**k do you think you are?

Thanos? [laughs]

[snorts]

What about you?

Any dark, unsettling truths strike you during the service?

I mean, just the realization that everything can change in a moment.

You've changed.

My body is changing. [chuckles]

I have noticed.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, everything's changing around us constantly.

It's happening really fast.

I'm really excited and I'm a little freaked out. [grunts]

I hear you.

But do not worry, you got me, and I'm not changing a–

[phone ringing]

F**king hell!

[Keeley chuckles]

What?

Derrick: Roy, baby, there you are.

What the f**k do you want?

[chuckles] Cut to the chase. I love it. Are you sitting down?

Yeah, sure.

Well, you, my friend, our favorite client, have just been offered the head coaching job at Chelsea.

Congratulations, my man.

This is huge for both of us.

Not that it's about me, of course, but not that it isn't either.

[chuckles] Amazing, right?

Sure.

We should go for drinks to celebrate.

Talk to you later.

Get a bit of champagne–

[groans]

Roy?

[Roy retching]

[mouthing words] Oh, my God.

How you doing, bud?

Fine.

I told him we can leave if it's too much.

I told you, I'm fine.

Ted: Mm-hmm.

So what's gonna happen to the pub then?

[clicks tongue] It's a good question. I don't know.

Are we gonna have to move?

Yeah, I wish I had these answers for you, big guy, but that's one of them things about life.

Sometimes they throw big changes at you in bunches.

Yeah, I know. I live in London now.

I'm gonna go play darts.

He does, in fact, live in London now.

Gotta give him that one.

[Michelle sighs]

Oh, what you play? Come on, get in the game.

You play? All right.

Yeah.

Hey, do you get along with your mum?

I mean, yeah, I love my mom.

[chuckles]

How you doing?

Yeah, yeah, good. Um, no, I did-I did a thing.

Gemma: You got it framed.

Well, I thought they might wanna put it up in the bar somewhere.

[chuckles] That is a really lovely thought.

All right, don't sound so surprised. I can be nice.

Gemma: But why am I pulling such a weird face?

Yeah, it's my favorite bit.

[chuckles]

[door opens]

Who is that?

[spits] No, no, f**k no, f**k no.

[whispers] Jesus, Jane, what are you doing here?

How can you ask me that?

Meg was my best friend.

If that were true, you would know her name was Mae, and you wouldn't be dressed like a hooker's bridesmaid.

[gasps] Don't grief-shame me.

Anyway, I can't stay long. My show opens in the West End tonight.

Incredible cast, massive buzz.

I'm even wearing this vintage jewelry that was given to me with the silly expectation I'll ever return it.

I truly don't want to know a single thing about it, but at least now I know why you're here.

You're always picking a fight with me.

Fine, I'll go.

I'll miss those eyes though.

What are you doing?

Your earring is caught in my ring.

Ow.

Ow! I got it. I got it. I got it. [inhales sharply]

[cries, gasps]

[grunts]

[exhales sharply]

[exhales sharply]

[groaning]

Rebecca, I need to tell you something.

Mmm?

Oh, yeah. Uh.

Oi!

Oi!

[clinks glass]

[Niamh] Hello! Uh. Everybody.

What we got here?

If it's no bother, we'll have a tune for Mae.

It's an Irish tradition called "The Parting Glass."

I'm just checking.

Mae was not Irish.

No, she was not.

Not Irish. No.

Not Irish, copy that.

No, start the song.

Can I do the harmonies though?

[Siobhan hums]

[both harmonizing]

[Siobhan] Start the song. Let's go.

[Niamh] Yeah?

[clears throat]

♪ Of all the money that e'er I had ♪

♪ I spent it in good company ♪

♪ And all the harm I've ever done ♪

♪ Alas it was to none but me ♪

♪ And all I've done for want of wit ♪

♪ To memory now I can't recall ♪

♪ So fill to me the parting glass ♪

♪ Good night and joy be with you all ♪

♪ Of all the comrades that e'er I had ♪

♪ They're sorry for my going away ♪

♪ And all the sweethearts That e'er I had ♪

♪ They'd wish me one more day to stay ♪

♪ But since it fell unto my lot ♪

♪ That I should rise and you should not ♪

♪ I'll gently rise and softly call ♪

♪ Good night and joy be with you all ♪

That's what I'm f**king talking about!

[attendees applauding]

To Mae.

All: To Mae.

All: To Mae!

[all chattering]

To Mae.

[sorrowful music playing]

Hey.

You okay?

[sniffles] Yeah.

Yeah. I... I just...

I... I just wish that she could help me with my homework again.

Yeah, I know.

[sighs]

You know, when we lose someone i-it can really put things into perspective, you know?

Can even make all this football stuff seem pretty silly. [chuckles]

If Mae heard you say that, she'd reach out of her grave and pull you back down with her.

Yeah, that's why I didn't say it too loud.

[both chuckle]

[sniffles]

[sighs]

How did your dad die?

Um...

Yeah, uh, well, um...

Nana told me that he fell down some steps and hit his head.

Is that true?

Yeah.

And he was around your age?

Yes.

Hey.

Don't worry, I'm good on stairs.

You ain't gonna lose me anytime soon, I promise.

You hear me?

Yeah.

[hopeful music playing]

[sniffles]

Is it okay if we go back down?

Yeah, sure.

[sniffles]

[door opens]

[acoustic theme music plays]

Morning.

Morning.

[receptionist] Morning.

Hey, Coach, when you were growing up, your folks would lie to you, right?

[scoffs] You kidding? All the time.

About Santa Claus, cigarettes, the moon landing, tons of stuff. Why?

Well, Henry was asking me for some straight talk the other day and I went a little too serpentine on him for my liking.

Coach Beard: Okay.

Got to assume you had a good reason for doing so, right?

Yeah.

Well, then, so long as those reasons aren't tied to your own discomfort or f**ked up belief that Oliver North was some kind of goddamn hero, you probably made the right call.

Right, Seanie, pop that in there.

Okay.

[Lizzie] Good boy. Listen.

[groans]

You're with dad now and I'm going to work, all right?

Yeah, Mummy is off to play football.

Right, you be good at school. Listen to your teachers, please.

And you be good for Dad, all right?

Yes, be good for Dad because I don't want any of what happened last time.

[Sean, Archie chuckling]

What happened last time?

Well, unfortunately... [blows raspberry] Archie, no farting in the car.

It was you, Dad!

Archie.

It was me? It was not me.

Were you farting in the car?

They were farting!

Were they?

It was... [trills lips] You stink.

You stink.

I'm closing the door.

This is your fault.

They both smell, have to close the door.

Ben: Stinky boys.

You've made stinky children.

Closing the door, stinky boys.

[Archie, Sean chuckling]

[singsongy] Stinky little boys.

[sighs]

Okay.

Thanks for that, Ben.

Yeah.

Um, also you're still good for Saturday, yeah?

Uh, yeah, I should be, yeah.

No, no, no "should be"... [stammers] ...we're not doing that.

No, I've got a match.

It's the last match of the season, so I need you to do it.

Okay, listen, I might have a radio gig in Manchester.

What do you want me to do?

No.

I... Well, I want you to do it.

I can't. It's my job.

Keep your promise 'cause I've asked you to do this...

I'm not not keeping–

Okay, okay, okay, look...

I'm not the one that decided to try and be an athlete after having two kids, am I?

Elle.

Shit.

[wistful music playing]

All right. Okay, boys, we're driving, yeah, let's rock and roll.

[Archie] Yeah!

Bye.

What-What do you mean we have to go?

Rebecca, we are legally required to attend the shareholders' meeting next week, even if we have no idea who's going to show up.

Well, I'm not going.

There aren't any real bloody shareholders left anymore, thanks to Rupert.

Oh, I feel for you. I do.

It's like when Roger Waters tried to take Pink Floyd back.

And Rupert didn't even write Dark Side of the Moon, did he?

You want me to be there for you, a bit of moral support?

Oh, that's very kind of you.

[inhales sharply] Yeah.

But the lack of attendees is actually the one aspect I'm happy about.

Zelda: Mmm.

In more potentially pleasant, uh, non-Pink Floyd news, moving the last match of the season to Nelson Road is well underway.

Oh, well, that was a bit of a debacle last time, wasn't it? [exhales]

Well, since the Bristol win, yay, we've had a mild uptick in ticket sales.

We are close to a sellout, yes?

Um...

No.

Don't worry, guys. I've got this.

Rebecca: Ah, Keeley.

You look serious.

Thank you, haven't slept, too inspired.

We're gonna need a big push if we're gonna get to sold out.

What's the best way to do that?

Viral video, of course, but we've tried that.

Wait, first video, what went wrong?

It was too self-important. Made football feel like homework.

How? Wasn't like that when we shot it.

It was fun 'cause the team is fun.

So I went back and I...

I'm just gonna show you.

Well, I'm intrigued.

Keeley: Good. You should be.

Because you're in it.

Rebecca: But now, a message!

["I Love It" playing]

[both] It's our time. [chuckles]

Give her the Oscar!

[all laughing]

[imitating Siobhan, Niamh] "It's our time."

[children giggling]

Where are you?

Am I right?

AFC Richmond is always supporting this community.

Where are you?

[laughing]

[Rebecca, child chanting] Where are you?

Where the [bleep] are you?

Rebecca: Yeah!

[laughing, snorting]

[laughing]

That's sick. That's great.

Let's be having you!

[chuckles]

Where...

[laughing]

...are...

[cheering]

...you?

[players] You! [laughing]

Everyone I know has seen this. It's like Game of Thrones.

Yeah, but our lives have way less sex and violence.

[scoffs] Speak for yourself.

Oh–

Oi!

Behave.

Sorry.

I think drunk Rebecca might be my new spirit animal, you know?

I am definitely dressing up as her for Halloween this year.

[all laugh]

Okay, fine. I'll go as Higgins then and just stand awkwardly by you all night.

[all laugh]

All right guys, come on, let's lock in a little bit.

Big game today.

So what, you're the captain now?

No, obviously not. [mutters]

You're acting like the captain.

Can you stop being a bit nasty? Can you?

Bloody hell!

Hang on, hang on.

Oi, where is Lizzie?

[all muttering]

Right, I'm gonna head out.

Okay.

Unless you want me to stay, and I will.

No, I love that you're going.

And I am going to watch from our comfy couch...

Mm-hmm.

...in my comfy clothes, next to a comfy bin, ready for when our baby turns me into The Exorcist.

[both chuckle]

The exorcist is actually the priest... who removes the demon that caused the vomiting.

Which is why people... What the f**k am I banging on about?

Who cares? I'm so sorry.

[chuckles]

Love you.

Love you.

[door closes]

Game day, y'all. Game day.

Here we go. Game day. [whoops]

Here we go, up top.

No.

Ted: No worries.

Okay, so look, I have some ideas for today's starting lineup, all right?

Come on.

Maybe it's time you got a new chair, Coach.

It is a new chair, Coach.

[groans]

Knock knock.

Ah, good morrow, Sir Higgs-alot.

Ah. Good morrow, yon coaches.

Yeah, sure.

I hope this isn't a bad time, but we have a visitor.

Hey up, Greyhounds.

Nate the Great, are you kidding me?

Get out of town. Come on, man.

How are you? It's so great to see you.

[Ted chuckles]

You too. Absolutely.

Look at you.

Great to see you. Hey, buddy.

Hey, Coach.

[Coach Beard chuckles]

Hey, have your eyes always been blue?

Yep.

Uh, Nathan Shelley, this right here is Alice Chilton.

Alice, this is Nathan Shelley.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Congratulations.

You both just met a cool person.

Nathan: Aw, lovely.

How's the new gig going?

Yeah.

Great. Yeah, no, hey, how many people does it take to coach the Polish national football team?

Oh, I don't know. How many?

Three.

Same as we got here. How about that?

Yeah, one, two, three.

Hey, what brings you in town, man?

Just visiting family.

And then I... I saw the video of your team. Made me realize I'm long overdue a visit.

Ooh. How's the baby?

[groans] Jade and I just...

We're just great. We love little Athena.

Oh, my goodness, squeeze a little–

[knocks on door]

Is that f**king Wonder Kid?

Roy f**king Kent.

How are you, mate? Nice to see you.

Nate, how are you?

I'm good, thank you.

It's good to see you.

It's nice to be back. [sighs]

Okay, you great coaching minds.

I'll leave you to it.

Ted: All right now.

Uh, Higgins, could you actually hang on for a minute?

I, uh...

I f**king hate to say it, but I need some advice.

[gasping]

Uh, Diamond Dogs mount up.

[howling, barking]

There was something here that I used to get on top of.

[panting]

[barking, howling continues]

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Woof.

I'm so sorry. Uh... [stammers] ...quick question.

Probably silly.

W-What the f**k is happening?

Oh, no, great question. Uh, Coach?

The Diamond Dogs are, uh... Oh, my God. What did I used to say here?

Higgins: Cartel?

A c... A collective?

Conglomerate?

A council maybe, or...

Ted: Uh... c-coven.

Coven, coven, coven... No.

[blows raspberry]

Cabal?

Or...

Higgins: Consort?

Collective?

"Carsophagus"? Is that... Is...

"Carsophagus"?

For f**k's sakes. Look, the Diamond Dogs is just a thing where we talk about the shit that's in our heads and nobody judges, but, for some reason, it has to start with some f**king barking.

[all barking]

Ruff.

Right, so it's a... it's a guy thing.

Yeah, I mean, traditionally, yes, but, uh, you're more than welcome to stay.

Uh, you could be a cat.

Dogs can sometimes be female.

Oh, right, duh. Uh, yeah, okay, be a dog.

No, no, no. I... I want to be a cat.

[grunts]

Proceed.

Okay. So, uh... [inhales sharply]

Keeley's pregnant.

How about that?

Wow, Roy, congratulations.

Yeah, but it's only been two months, so...

Oh, yeah, no, I wouldn't start telling people yet.

It's way too soon.

[imitating hounds whimpering]

Oh, I'm so sorry. That was... That was judgy, wasn't it?

That was judgy. S-Sorry. [meows]

I know it's too soon to talk about, but I gotta get this f**king shit out of my head because... [inhales sharply]

...I just mean...

I don't want to f**k up a perfect kid.

I think you're being a little tough on yourself there, bud.

You've always done a, you know, wonderful job with Phoebe.

Yeah, but being an uncle is a part-time gig.

Anytime Phoebe annoys me, I send her f**king home.

But this kid's going to be stuck with me.

How do I make sure I'm a good dad?

[inhales sharply]

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, I mean, fatherhood's one of them things you ain't never gonna be ready for.

Feels like yesterday I was crapping my khakis all worried about Henry being born, and here I am 12 years later, still wondering if I'm doing it right.

I guess I just got used to the smell.

[chuckles]

When Julie and I were expecting our first, my dad advised me, "If you drop your kids, and you will, just pick them up as quick as you can."

That's oddly comforting.

Oh.

At the end of the day... [stammers] Can you all hear me from up here?

Oh. Yeah, perfect.

Yeah.

Yeah. End of the day, love wins, and if you can surrender to the emotion of it, that informs the decisions you make, head catches up with the heart.

[grunts]

Roy, when I thought I was going to be a dad, I got more excited with each passing day until I finally realized that Jane had been pregnant for 11 months.

Having a kid is something a lot of people want, but not everyone gets.

That uncertainty you're feeling right now, just remind yourself that's something a lot of people hope to have.

Ted: Hmm.

[sighs]

[grunts]

Thank you.

[smacks lips] Oh, I see, it's a conversation.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's just a conversation.

But way cooler.

Right.

Something you want to add, Coach?

[smacks lips, stammers] Um, I don't know if I even want kids myself, but, um, don't tell them that green beans taste delicious because they don't, and it will take them years to rebuild that trust again.

That's a good point.

And don't disappear when you feel inadequate.

[gentle music playing]

Um, yeah, well said. Okay, uh...

Well, the Diamond Dogs and the, uh, Kitty Committee? Uh...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I want to be called the Cat People.

Mm-hmm. Oh.

Point of order, but that's plural, and there's only one of you.

For now.

Fair play.

Okay, well, the Diamond Dogs and Cat People have spoken!

[barking, howling]

Ruff, ruff, ruff.

[meows]

Oh, any word from Lizzie?

I keep texting her, but she's not responding.

Just like all your boyfriends.

[laughs mockingly]

[Sean, Archie screaming, giggling]

Oh, my gosh.

I'm really sorry. I had an absolute nightmare of a morning.

Can I give you them?

God, whoa, Lizzie, I didn't know it was Take Your Kids to Work Day?

Yeah, well, when your ex is a f**k-tastic guy, and he loves surprises, and he makes Mummy think really creatively about child care, then this is where we're at, so...

Hi, guys.

Sorry.

Should we sit down?

Do you guys wanna have some fun?

Yeah.

Okay.

No, June, you don't have to do that.

It's okay, you're actually doing me a favor. I could use the child labor.

Oh.

Right, well, I think you'll find that it works when you pit them off against each other.

Got it.

Yeah.

Okay, so which one of you is the fastest at folding towels?

Me, me, me.

I am, I am.

Okay, but you've got to come out there and prove it to me.

First one out wins.

[Sean, Archie screaming, clamoring]

Bye.

You good?

I'm gonna kick that ball today like it's his f**king dick.

Yeah, you're good.

I'm good.

[Matthijs] I really wanted to be there today.

Oh, I know, darling, but work is work.

I'll be there on Monday... [knocks on door] ...or I'll quit my job and buy a football club just so I can see you more.

Well, that is very sweet, but know that if you did, we would beat the living shit out of your stupid f**king crappy little garbage team.

Whoa.

Sorry, I slipped into a different mode just then.

No, I liked it, and I love you.

[chuckles]

I love you.

Sorry, nearly ready.

No, no, take your time. How's your husband doing?

Matt... Oh. No, we're not married.

Ah, smart.

Yeah.

Zelda: Marriage is bullshit anyway.

If you're happy, or at least think you are, why risk it, yeah?

[knocks on door]

I have some troubling news.

What?

It's the Milk Sisters. [breathes shakily]

They've sold their shares.

[gasps]

I-I was sure they'd never break.

So this is why they didn't call you back either.

Bastards.

[stammers] I'm so sorry.

I can't believe this is happening.

Hey. The kids said they have snacks in their bags?

Yeah, they do, yeah, but you don't have to keep looking after them, June.

It's okay, really. Just a heads up, they do have a little surprise for you, but after that they'll be in their seats.

Great. No, hang on. What surprise?

Okay, gang. Let's all get behind the starting lineup.

Oh, go on, Shan!

[players cheering]

[player] All right.

All right. Hey, there you go.

All right, y'all, here we go. Last match magic.

[players whooping]

Yes!

You know, uh, I hadn't done this whole coaching thing in a couple of years, and I'm gonna be honest with you, I was nervous as hell to get back at it.

[all laugh]

But y'all have been incredible, for real.

I want to thank each and every one of you for your patience, for your hard work, and most importantly for expanding my wardrobe beyond khakis and chinos.

[players chuckling]

Though not evident this afternoon.

So, look, I don't know what kind of crowd we're gonna have out there today, how many folks there is watching and whatnot, but don't really matter because anybody that's here to watch y'all play is here 'cause they want to be here.

Same as us, yeah?

That's what matters.

In fact, I can only think of one person that ain't gonna be here that I know would want to be here, but assuming they got good Wi-Fi at the pubs up there in Heaven, she gonna be watching y'all.

[players chuckle]

So you better play hard, babies!

[players] Yeah!

You heard the man.

All right, come on, let's bring it in, yeah.

Let's do this, baby.

There you go.

All right, Richmond on three. Ready? One, two, three!

All: Richmond!

[players cheering]

Lowe: Wow, Richmond fans are showing their thanks with an incredible turnout.

And Nelson Road is absolutely pulsing.

If this Richmond team was a body, this crowd would be its ever-beating heart.

The singing of these fans like blood providing vital nutrients and precious oxygen.

You guys good?

Yeah!

Thank you so much.

Okay. All right, come on, boys, focus. Be serious.

[blows raspberry] Archie.

It wasn't me. It was Sean.

It was Sean?

It was him!

It was him?

Archie, was it you?

No!

No?

It was him!

It was me.

It was Boots! [laughs]

Lowe: It's Richmond against Crystal Palace... Okay, come on.

...and here come the teams.

Whoo! Come on!

[crowd cheering]

Lowe: AFC Richmond Women have done it.

They've sold out Nelson Road Stadium.

[cheering]

Come on, Richmond!

Lowe: And it's an especially big day for Richmond's own Shannon Stone, in her first start for her childhood club.

This is f**king incredible. [chuckles]

I changed my mind. I want to start.

[coaches] No.

[Gemma sighs]

[speaking Spanish]

[cheering]

Whoo!

[speaking French]

Whoo!

[in English] Let's go! Come on!

Did you ever second guess leaving Richmond for Man U?

Yeah, sure.

But as Dorothy learned, sometimes you have to go away to know where home truly is.

I love The Wizard of Oz.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Dorothy is my auntie, who left my uncle for a dance instructor for a little while.

Big, big scandal in the Obisanya family.

Let's go, Richmond!

[crowd cheering]

Whoo!

[shutters clicking]

Keeley: I'm sorry.

I should be at home resting, I know.

I couldn't stay there.

I had to come and feel the energy here.

[cheering continues]

Come on then.

Where are we going?

[crowd chanting] Come on, Richmond!

Come on, Richmond!

[chuckles]

[chanting continues]

Referee! What the f**k?

Okay, that's enough.

Let's go. Come on.

That's my bad, sorry.

Yeah. Sorry about that. But you did see that, right?

Roy: I did see that.

That was foul play!

And that's why we're going back inside.

We're going.

Ooh!

Yeah! Nice!

Lowe: What Richmond have achieved this season would have been impossible without the leadership of Rebecca Welton.

So long as her steady hand remains, Richmond's future looks very bright indeed.

Paul: This is the right day, isn't it?

Yeah, where the f**k is everyone?

I don't know.

Why don't you both ask your amazing mums?

[door opens]

She probably would know.

[Higgins clears throat]

[microphone feedback]

This meeting of AFC Richmond shareholders is called to order.

We'll begin with open comment.

[door opens]

Aw, you poor gullible little babies.

Zelda?

Why are you here?

Because it was me all along.

Dun dun dun!

[gasps] This is bad.

How do you know?

She said, "Dun dun dun!"

Sorry.

What are you saying?

It wasn't Rupert. 'Twas me all along.

Again, sorry, what are you saying?

It's very echoey in here.

And you're so far away.

[groans] F**king hell, I was trying to make a dramatic entrance.

Okay, look.

What I'm trying to say, is that it was me buying up the shares all along and not Rupert and blah blah blah.

I now have a controlling interest in your team.

Correction, my team.

Ta-da!

Now, she said, "Ta-da!"

What have you done?

Well, Rebecca, let me tell you, you remember my very, very good friend Hugo Riddles, you know, the sleazebag with the punchable face?

Well, it was he that was making house calls, buying up shares for me all over town.

Higgins... [laughing] Oh.

You were really hot on his tail for a minute there, until your obsession with Rupert, which you all seem to have, led you astray.

Leslie, you were so certain!

[gags]

Then, once Hugo had finally persuaded those bleeding Milk Sisters to sell their shares.

Well, that's me.

I own over 50% of AFC Richmond.

Bish bash bosh.

Bob's your mother's brother.

Why would you do this? What happened to women helping women?

I am helping a woman.

Me!

Don't worry. I'm not gonna mess with your Lady Greyhounds. [blows raspberry]

That's not what I was after. [sniffs]

No, you see, I wasted a lot of time, trying to make the men who make the decisions in football listen to me, and the one way to make sure that they do is by owning a men's team in the Premier League.

[singsongy] So, thank you! [chuckles]

Oh, Rebecca, don't look so surprised.

Come on. I mean, you knew from the beginning I'm a scorpion.

[imitates scuttling noises]

Scuttle, scuttle, scuttle.

Sting, sting, sting.

How's the homework going, big guy?

It's actually pretty tough.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you want, I can lend you a hand, unless it's math.

It's math.

Ah, shoot. [chuckles]

Um...

Uh...

I'm sorry I missed so many of your games this season.

But I just want to let you know that I'm gonna shift some stuff around on my side of things and make sure that don't happen next year.

I promise.

Cool?

Cool. Yeah.

Good.

[gentle music playing]

And, uh, there's actually something else I want to talk about with you.

Okay.

Um...

It's about how your grandfather passed away.

Part of... [continues indistinctly]

Leslie, you promised that we would keep control of the team!

Yeah, I know, but the numbers kept on changing.

Oh, and now we've lo...

I've lost the club because of you, you moron!

You can't say that to me!

I love it when they turn on each other.

I can't believe I ever trusted you!

Yeah, but, Rebecca, what if when the Milk Sisters sold their shares, they didn't actually sell to Zelda after all?

[elongated] What?

I don't get it.

Mr. Riddles, you can come out now.

Hugo.

[both] Dun dun dun!

Oh.

Good one.

How could you betray me like this?

What did they offer you?

Absolutely nothing.

Zelda, you didn't ask me to go to the Milks.

You demanded it.

And when you did, you were even meaner to me.

We Riddlesses are deeply feeling.

Oh, barf! [imitates retching]

So, at that moment, I decided to drink the milk of human kindness through the straw that broke the camel's back.

And sell the shares to Rebecca instead, you pubeless twat.

Yeah, but hang on. Your numbers don't add up, because that puts us both at 49%, so you don't have any more control than me.

Right. About that...

Yeah.

Leslie.

Mm-hmm.

Zelda, I'd like you to meet Elaine Pinter, of Pinter and Sons.

Elaine, I believe you had something you wanted to share with us.

Thank you, Rebecca.

Yes, I'm speaking on behalf of a former client of ours.

Her name... Did it freeze?

...was Mae Green.

Classic Pinter pause.

Ms. Green banked with our company for many years.

She also asked us to execute her will.

Are Mr. Blumenthal, Mr. La Fleur, and Mr. Primrose in attendance?

Ye-Yes, Miss.

Yes, milady.

You three gentlemen are now the owners and proprietors of the Crown and Anchor pub.

Ms. Green's only request in running the business was, and I quote, "Don't f**k it up." And that she loves you.

A colleague of mine is there waiting for you now.

So we own the Crown and Anchor?

Correct.

[laughs]

[all laughing]

[whooping]

[smacks lips] Are we watching the Looney Tunes?

Uh, and now in regards to Ms. Green's 2% ownership stake in AFC Richmond... She recently amended her will to say, I, Mae Green, ask that my entire holdings of AFC Richmond be given to Rebecca Welton.

And anyone trying to take the club away from her can eat my arse.

Hmm. A bit salty, but nonetheless legally binding.

Well, that's all I have.

Go Greyhounds.

Thank you, Elaine.

Mm-hmm.

Speak to you soon.

[device chimes]

Now, Zelda, I'm no maths whiz, but I believe that puts me back over 50%.

[scoffs] All right. [chuckles] You got me.

It was worth a shot, you know?

[sighs]

I'm sorry, Rebecca.

I... I really am.

But, uh, you know what I'm like.

It's just–

Who you are.

[sighs]

Rebecca: I know.

And I forgive you.

I know you love the story of the scorpion and the frog.

A lot of people do.

But I care for a different one.

A woman sees a scorpion drowning in the river, and she tries to help it over and over again and keeps getting stung.

And a passerby says, "Why do you keep bothering to help something that hurts you over and over again?"

And the woman says, "It's in the scorpion's nature to sting.

Just as it's in my nature to save.

Why would I change my nature just because of theirs?"

Zelda: Hmm.

[sucks teeth]

You think it's the same scorpion in both stories?

I look forward to seeing you at the next shareholders' meeting.

[groans]

Well, I learned a long time ago that when you're not the craziest person in the room, it's time to leave.

So, Hugo, take me home.

[grunts]

You bastard.

[huffs, inhales deeply]

I'm hotter for you now than I have ever been before.

Right now, you're a naughty boy in big trouble.

Well, I hope you punish me severely.

[Zelda grunts]

Higgins: Do you think it's wise to keep her on board?

Well, like the man says, keep your friends close...

And your scorpions closer.

[phone chimes]

[gentle music playing]

[knocks on door]

Good morning, Coach Kent.

You got a minute?

Course.

[Rebecca sighs]

Oh, but if this is about your big news, I already know. Congratulations.

Keeley told me.

She what?

And please know that, even though I'm not family per se, I will insist on being called Auntie Supreme.

Oh.

I'm so thrilled for you both.

Thank you. Um...

[chuckles]

There's actually something else I need to tell you about.

Ooh. Tell me.

Chelsea asked me to be their new manager, and I'm gonna say yes.

Go f**k yourself.

Wasn't an easy decision.

What, to turn your back on the club that took you in when Chelsea kicked you to the f**king curb?

The club that actually gave you a chance to be a manager in the first place.

Oh, f**k, this is why you didn't sign your contract, isn't it?

You and that... sockless twat of an agent of yours just stringing us along.

You don't believe that.

Oh, the f**k I don't.

I need a drink.

[muttering] F**king hell.

[liquid pouring]

Is there booze in that?

No, bellend.

That is why I said I needed a drink.

[sighs]

Just so you know, they wanted me to start immediately, but I said no, not until the season's over.

Oh, wow!

Aw! That's so thoughtful of you.

Roy Kent, Employee of the Year!

Go get Higgins to give you a f**king plaque!

Goddamn it, Roy!

[sighs]

Well, go on then.

Aren't you gonna say... [imitating Roy] "Oh, I love Richmond.

It's just Chelsea's in my blood, Rebecca.

If it was any other club, f**k, f**k, f**kity-f**k-f**k."

[normal voice] And you're hoping that I'm gonna say...

[in sweet voice] "Oh, Roy, we always knew we couldn't keep you forever."

[normal voice] Which actually is true.

But there's something else I want to say.

You are putting so much pressure on yourself moving there.

You are taking the most massive risk.

I know.

But we've got to take risks, haven't we, Rebecca?

Otherwise, what's the f**king point?

I deserve for good things to happen in my life.

[sighs]

Don't I?

[sighs, clicks tongue]

You're right.

[chuckles] No. You're right.

You're the one who said that.

And then you said...

[imitating Rebecca] "Get out of your own way, man.

This whole woe-is-me thing you're doing is f**king ponderous.

Mmm."

I don't sound like that.

[normal voice] You sound exactly like that.

And you were right.

And I f**king love you for saying it.

Okay.

But know that when you get bored of Chelsea's unlimited budget and endless resources, you are always welcome to come crawling back to AFC Richmond.

I will.

Congratulations, Roy. Really.

[bittersweet music playing]

[chuckles]

And the best of luck.

With all of it.

Thank you, Auntie Supreme.

[chuckles] Sounds good.

It does.

I can come back later.

Oh, we were just saying goodbye.

Roy has some big news.

Yeah. Which I know nothing about.

Uh, actually you don't.

I'm gonna be head coach of Chelsea next season.

Hey. All right, congrats, Coach.

Thanks, Coach.

[Ted chuckles]

You yell at him?

Hmm. Was it scary?

Mmm. But y'all are cool now, huh?

Yeah, I love that.

I gotta get going.

Thank you.

Cheers.

[Rebecca exhales heavily]

[sniffs]

[sighs]

You okay?

Do you know how Mae died?

Well, I, uh–

She died doing what she loved.

And the rest of us, we're all still... in it, aren't we?

We laugh, we hurt, we fall, we get back up. [sighs]

We're a mess.

And that is... fantastic.

'Cause... being messy just means... being alive.

And we could all do with being a bit more alive.

[whispering] So what are you waiting for?

Sorry, Ted, did you say something?

No, not yet. [chuckles]

But... funny enough, I was kinda hoping you and I could have a chat about your newly-opened manager position.

Coach Beard: "Under the nimble direction of Julie Taymor, Emma Stone is a revelation, forming an electric chemistry with her oblivious paramour, the Bearded Coach, as memorably portrayed by Richard Schiff."

Richard Schiff?

Margy: Hey, Coach.

Hey, guys.

How's your foot?

Tough way to end the season.

F... Yeah, I'm good.

Caroline said it's just a hairline fracture.

Yeah, but she promised not to dance on any more bars at the next party.

No, I promised not to fall off any bars.

[chuckles] Well, you're lucky to have someone to look after you.

[stammers] Look, Coach, we know breakups can mess with a person's head.

Mmm. Especially if your ex never really gets out of your life.

And then goes on to write a hit show about your relationship.

Yeah, which I actually thought was pretty moving.

Margy: Oh, yeah.

You saw it?

Yeah. And I think your character comes across as powerfully mysterious.

Mmm. And Richard Schiff does a really good job at making you likable.

Look, but despite all that, we want to let you know you're great.

Yeah. Just the way you are.

Thanks, M and M. I appreciate it.

Right, well, we're off to the Cat Shelter.

Yeah.

You're adopting a cat?

Oh, no, it's a lesbian bar in East London.

They have a great brunch. Thank you.

[gentle music playing]

Hey, Siri, how old is Richard Schiff?

Siri: Richard Schiff is 71 years old.

Oh, that's great.

[in Dutch] Hey. My friend!

Hey, Thijs. How's it going?

Good, and with you?

Ah. Top.

What happened to all the mistakes and stuff on your face?

Trying to make fewer of them.

Oh, good.

Now there's just a guinea pig left on your head.

Guinea pig. [chuckling]

[in English] See ya.

Yeah. [in Dutch] Have a good day!

Until next time.

[knocks on door]

[Rebecca gasps]

[in English] Hello, my love.

Hello.

Roses for my English rose.

F**k it.

Marry me.

Oh... [chuckles]

Did you just say "f**k it" and then "marry me"?

Yeah, I did.

Uh... Funny. [chuckles]

I wasn't joking.

I'm done being a marriage hater.

I actually really loved being married.

It was just to the wrong person.

But then you came along, and I want to stop worrying about what might be wrong and just start living my life.

With you.

If you'd like to do that with me.

Are you proposing to me?

Yes.

In your office?

Yes.

Uh, that's romantic.

I got you some flowers.

Oh, wow, my favorite.

Hmm.

And I'd get down on one knee, but, um, it's quite hard to assume that position in a pencil skirt.

Well, someone's got to do it.

[chuckles]

Okay.

Rebecca Welton.

Yes.

Yes, of course, I will marry you.

Oh, my God. [chuckles]

Matthijs.

Oh, no, uh, this is absolutely not happening.

[grunts]

Please get up and kiss me.

[grunts]

[Rebecca chuckles]

[Matthijs inhales deeply]

F**king hell.

[both laughing]

["Clover" playing]

[birds chirping]

[Mae] When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn...

[Jeremy] First round's on us.

Welcome to the Crown and Anchor.

Did you know oysters come from the sea?

[patron laughs]

[Mae] ...when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse to buy me, and snaps the purse shut... when death comes like the measle pox... [clippers buzzing]

...when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades... I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering... what's it gonna be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility... [sighs]

Something for everyone in that couple, ain't there?

[sighs]

[vehicle beeping]

[song continues]

[Mae] ...and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular.

And each name a comfortable music in the mouth... What are you doing here?

Some of us actually work during the offseason.

Here, hold this.

[Mae] ...tending, as all music does... Hmm.

...towards silence.

You're a psychopath.

I know.

Have a nice break.

And each body a lion of courage... and something precious to the earth.

[chair hisses]

[Ted whistling]

Oh.

Morning.

Morning.

[Mae] When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement.

[typing]

This is for you.

Wasn't this my going-away gift?

It was.

Go ahead, open it.

Yeah.

[wrapping paper rustling]

[Mae] That I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

Congrats.

[Chilton] Thanks.

[Ted chuckles]

[Mae] When it's over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular... Thank you.

Well done.

[Mae] ...and real.

Oh, did I miss it?

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

Change is good.

All right.

Made copies.

Here you go, Coach.

Oh, thank you, Coach.

What do you think, Coach?

I love it, Coach.

[Mae] When it's over... Are you kidding me? [sighs]

[Mae] ...I don't want to find myself sighing.

Okay.

[chattering]

[Mae] And frightened... or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

["Enjoy Yourself (It's Later Than You Think)" playing]