S04E09 - Mae Rides the Bus

No: 43 | Season: 4 Episode: 9 | Air Date: 30-Sep-26 | Runtime: 42 mins

Bad call! Bad refereeing! (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Another great save by Quinn. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

You're too close to me. Sit down. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

The only person hoping for a green light more than me and Gemma is the Great Gatsby himself. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I take meds for high blood pressure, one of the many traits that my mum handed down to me like being overly competitive at board games, deep love for Irish butter, and boobs. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I love it... That you made the extra pass and that you play with a kid named Wally Buns. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

You never know with feta. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

All the pigs are really smart, but there is this one that is an idiot... Oo Goobley. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

So we go to Morag's and we're yelling, "Oo Goobley! Oo Goobley!" (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

He's been pig-napped! (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

One sec. Just let me fix this. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

We could do a diamond formation. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I got myself a few piercings from a deeply agnostic Satanist. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

So instead of acne, I guess you're having a baby. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

You're too in here. You just gotta bring it down here. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Hey, Siri... will I be a good mum? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Ted: Does Gemma know yet? / Alice: She knows. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I want the full experience. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I'm gonna take a picture. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

You girls are different. You're talented. You belong on that pitch. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Rebecca Welton. Suzi Campbell. Pleasure to meet you. To meet all of you. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

When you've got opportunity in your hands, it's important to hold on to it tight, like a lover who you know is about to leave you. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

That's all they get today. Come on. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I'm getting four shots of Fireball. You want anything? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Makeup Brush passes the ball up the field. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Remember, nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. Because we are just stardust floating in a void. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

She can! Of course she can. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

("Jump Around" begins to play through speakers) (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Beard: Stop me if you've heard this one. What brings no benefit to the bee brings even less to the hive. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I know you like to feel everything. But I want you to feel what it's like to get promoted. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

("Jump Around" by House of Pain plays) (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Wait. I'm going in? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

The other Harrigan! (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Loose ball into the box. Who's gonna get there first? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Lizzie Davis. The mother of two scores a mother of a goal. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Oh, God, that's the yellowtail. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Boots Quinn with a one-handed save, and she made it look easy. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

She's got one defender to beat! (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Great game, Shower Gel. I knew you had it in you. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Can I tell you something? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

That's the best f*cking thing I've ever heard in my life. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

What's wrong? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Summary

Morale is low, but the stakes have never been higher. Mae joins the team on the road. Keeley has news.

Director and Writers

Director: Matt Lipsey
Writers: Jack Burditt & Julia Linden

Blogs

No blogs yet.

Quotes

Zelda: Back in the day, a woman that hysterical would have been accused of being a witch. I miss the '80s.

Gemma: I can't believe you're benching me after begging me to come back.
Alice: I didn't beg... You're too close to me. Sit down.

Marcus: A large part of your recent troubles have been the team's lack of offense since Gemma Jay's injury. It's been six weeks now. Any update on her return?
Ted: Well, look, we ain't exactly sure when she's going to be back with us quite yet. But I know she's rehabbing the heck out of that knee, and the only person hoping for a green light more than me and Gemma is the Great Gatsby himself.

Lloyd: (at press conference) there's two games left this season. A win this weekend clinches the final promotion spot. Any other result opens the door to disaster.
Ted: Heavens to Murgaloid. Way to set a vibe, baby.

Ted: The standings right now are more crowded than a Planet Fitness on January 2nd. (laughs) But this team loves each other, and I'm proud of the way they fight, unless it's at a pub quiz going wild and they get the po-po involved.

Henry: We were tied 2-2 at the end of the second half, and I had a pretty open shot on goal, but instead of taking it, I passed it upfield to Walter Buns, and he kicked it in for the win.
Ted: I love it. That you made the extra pass and that you play with a kid named Wally Buns.

Henry: You were busy coaching a bunch of girls.
Mae: Ooh, I bet they're the ones that are coaching your dad.

Roy: Thank God you were sat with Rebecca and her Warrior Princess guns of steel.

Roy: You think you're safe with M&S cheese puff pastries, but you never know with feta. I said you never know with feta.
Keeley: Yeah, it's such an unreliable cheese.

Zelda: What's the deal with the Milk sisters? How come they got so much money? Did they invent milk?
Rebecca: Yes, before them, cows were just in the way.

Ted: Hey, guys.
Siobhan: Hey, Coach.
Niamh: Hey, Coach.
Ted: Y'all have a good Sunday?
Both: No.
Ted: Oh, why? What happened?
Siobhan: Yesterday there was an incident at our family's... pig farm.
Niamh: Pig farm. All the pigs are really smart, but there is this one that is an... idiot, Oo Goobley.
Siobhan: Idiot. Oo Goobley.
Ted: I'm sorry?
Niamh: That's his name.
Siobhan: He's always awake when all the other pigs are asleep.
Niamh: He has insomnia.
Siobhan: He has insomnia.
Niamh: So when we woke up and we didn't see him, we thought he'd run away.
Siobhan: And he's so dumb. Of course he ran away. So then we go to...
Niamh: Neighbor's house. Morag.
Siobhan: Morag.
Niamh: She used to be our babysitter. She's got purple hair.
Siobhan: Listens to Norwegian death metal.
Niamh: Because the thing is this pig loves music.
Siobhan: Loves music. So we go to Morag's and we're yelling like, "Oo Goobley! Oo Goobley!"
Niamh: "Oo Goobley! Oo Goobley!"
Siobhan: But he's not there. So then we go back to...
Niamh: Follow his hoofprints, and they lead us to a well, and then we're thinking...
Siobhan: "Oh, no. He's in the well."
Niamh: "He's in the well."
Siobhan: But there's no way he'd be able to fit.
Niamh: He's our fattest pig.
Siobhan: But he's completely gone. So then we're like...
Niamh: (gasps) "He's been pig-napped!"
Siobhan: (gasps) "He's been pig-napped!"
Niamh: So then we go to the market to get some sweets to make ourselves feel better, and who do we see?
Siobhan: Oo Goobley eating from a cheese wheel. It was Parmesan. His favorite.
Niamh: His favorite. So then we come back from the market with a pig and an entire cheese wheel because we had to buy the whole thing.
Siobhan: The whole thing. It was three kilograms. It cost 150 quid.
(both sigh)
Ted: Did all that really happen?
Niamh: Of course it did.
Siobhan: Yeah. Unless we had the same dream.
Niamh: 'Cause that has happened before.
Siobhan: 'Cause that has happened before.
Ted: Mm-hmm. Well, hey, I'm happy y'all found Oogly Boogly.
Niamh: Oo Goobley. First name Oo.
Siobhan: Last name Goobley.

Coach Beard: There was one day Siobhan burned her thumb on a tea kettle, and the next day Niamh had no fingerprint on the same thumb, completely smooth.
Ted: I don't believe that at all...

Ted: Which one of the twins are we gonna put up front then?
Alice: Siobhan, she's older by three minutes, she's used to being out front, meaning Niamh has more to prove, so she'll put the ball exactly where Siobhan needs it.

Keeley: My pills started making me break out, so I've been a bit lax about taking it.
Rebecca: So instead of acne, I guess you're having a baby.

Coach Beard: Where did she come from?
Alice: Ireland.
Ted: (chuckles) Yeah. Top of the morning to all of us.

Alice: You are so frustrating, Shannon, because you could be so brilliant but you're just thinking too much. And look, I get it. I'm the same. I'm actually a brilliant dancer. I'm just sh*t at choreography. (players chuckling) It is absolutely true.

Keeley: Hey, Siri...
Siri: Mm-hmm?
Keeley: ...will I be a good mum?
Siri: I can't predict the future, Keeley. However, my data shows that people who ask that question tend to be good at parenting.

Mae: So are you guys gonna beat Bristol City or what? Because they embarrassed you the last time, 6-nil.
Coach Beard: Whoa, it was actually 5-nil.
Mae: Do you think correcting me makes it any less embarrassing?
Coach Beard: No, ma'am.

Ted: (to Mae) Yeah, okay. It's been decided. We're gonna roll out the red and blue carpet, give you a little peek behind the curtain, show you how the sausage is made.
Mae: Like the time I took you in the back room and showed you how the sausage was actually made.
Ted: I don't have many regrets in life, but that is definitely one of them.

Ted: Can't wait to listen to those Pink Floyd bootlegs you got me. All I got to do now is track down a reel-to-reel player.
Kenneth: Or you could sleep with them under your pillow. Always does the trick for me.
Ted: Yeah, no, I'll give that a try first.

Ted: Yeah. Hey, let's make sure we show Mae a nice and respectful time, all right? By all of us being on our best behavior. Yeah?
(team groaning)
Mae: No, come on, Ted. Not since I saw Shirley Bassey at the London Palladium in '73 have I been around so much energy and estrogen. I want the full experience.

Higgins: You know, Rebecca, even without the Milk sisters selling, someone could still get 49% of the shares.
Rebecca: Is this how we're saying hello now?

Rebecca: Oh, is that sushi? On an aeroplane?
Zelda: Yeah. I love it when it's a little bit warm, 'cause it makes it easier to chew.

Zelda: I'm gonna hit the loo before we take off. 'Cause anybody else afraid of getting sucked into an airplane toilet and spit out into the clouds?
Rebecca: No.
Zelda: Oh, it must be nice.

Ted: All right, y'all. Here we go. Just like the acknowledgment section in the back of a book, it's all been building to this.

Mae: All right. Uh, so, listen, um, growing up, all I wanted to do was be a footballer, but women weren't allowed to play officially.
Lizzie: You'd have been a professional, Mae, wouldn't you?
Mae: No, I had a right foot like a rosebush. (team laughs) But my left, even worse. (more laughter) But you girls are different. You're talented. You belong on that pitch. And I love to see it. So go out there and make an old lady happy. And beat the f**king shit out of them!

Doug the Steward: Your guest, Mae Green, has requested to sit in your supporters' section. So we've had her switch seats with this woman. She appears to be normal... ish.

Rebecca Lowe: For Richmond, the stakes are clear, secure promotion today or risk heartbreak tomorrow. When you've got opportunity in your hands, it's important to hold on to it tight, like a lover who you know is about to leave you.
Jill Scott: We've all been there.

Ted: Well, like they all say, it is a game of fingertips, you know?
Alice: Literally no one says that.
Ted: No one?
Alice: No.
Ted: I just came up with that?
Alice: Yeah.

Suzi Campbell: Oh, f**k this. I'm getting four shots of Fireball. You want anything? (leaves)
(Rebecca sighs)
Zelda: She's a torture, that one.

Roy: Okay. Uh, Fuzzy Pencil?
Keeley: It's a makeup brush, but carry on.
Roy: Makeup Brush passes the ball up the field.
Keeley: Wait, who is the makeup brush?
Roy: Gabi. Frosted tips.
Keeley: Gabi.
Roy: Okay. Passes the ball towards, um, Squishy Eye Scissors.
Keeley: Roy, you have a sister. It shouldn't be that hard. Eyelash Curlers.
Roy: Eyelash Curlers, moves the ball forward.

Roy: It's only 2-nil. And that's okay because, remember, nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. Because we are just stardust floating in a void.
Keeley: Hmm.

Alice: Oi, be careful out there. Listen to your body. If anything makes you uncomfortable, you can stop.
Gemma: It's a knee injury, I'm not losing my virginity.

Alice: Ted, I know you're trying to make me a more positive person, but let's face it, the world sucks f**king d*ck.
Coach Beard: With teeth.
Alice: Amen.
Ted: Oh. Okay, you two, why don't you cool your jets and let's see how the penalty turns out, please.

Roy: Scented Candle lines up to take the penalty kick, and everyone is really chill about it.

Roy: (shushes) And everyone is calm.
Keeley: Yeah.
Roy: And no one is celebrating 'cause there's no need to. We can breathe about it. It's not a big deal. It's 2-1. It's only football. Silly, silly football.

Mae: (sighs) I need to sit down, recharge for the second half.
Shirley: That's a great idea. (chuckles as they sit down)
("Jump Around" begins to play through speakers... they smile and look at each other knowingly)

Gemma: You're right, I should come out. But if we lose, I'll be fuming.
Alice: I'll be f**king livid.

Coach Beard: (To Boots) Hey. Stop me if you've heard this one. What brings no benefit to the bee brings even less to the hive. (hands her a pair of goalie gloves) I know you like to feel everything. But I want you to feel what it's like to get promoted.

Suzi Campbell: (overlooking Rebecca on her phone) Buying a bra, huh? Nice. Let's go, Greyhounds!

Ted: Hey, Shannon, Gemma's gonna sit second half, so I'm gonna need your help.
Shannon: Oh, yeah, cheer her up on the bench? Sure. But just so you know, she's a lot.

Rebecca Lowe: O Captain! My Captain! Lizzie Davis. The mother of two scores a mother of a goal to put Richmond on the brink of the Super League.

Hugo: I have found the Chateau de Milk. (chuckles)
Zelda: Hugo, you magnificent bastard. I'm so sorry for ever underestimating you, but it's only because I think so little of you.
Hugo: We've no time for your linguistic foreplay, my wicked pussycat. I need to know how high you're willing to go.
Zelda: Whatever it takes. Listen, you skinless hemorrhoid. If I get these shares, then I'll have majority control of the club, so don't f**k it up.

Roy: Great game, Shower Gel. I knew you had it in you. And you, Weird Shoe, perfect goal. And you two, Rouge and Contour, great teamwork despite your differences. "She was shite. I was grand." "Don't be a bastard, you little shite." Stop it, you two. You're both very powerful face coloring things.

Keeley: Can I tell you something?
Roy: Yeah, of course. ... (she whispers in his ear) ...That's the best f**king thing I've ever heard in my life.

Music

"Disposable Outcome" by The Safes (Roy expresses concern for Keeley after she faints. )

"The Little Mess You Made" by The Favors, FINNEAS, Ashe (Ted expresses gratitude to Mae for looking after Henry)

"Righteous Life" by Sergio Mendes & Brasil '66 (Shannon stays late to practice.)

"Jump Around" by House of Pain (Halftime music played in the stadium)

"Formation (Homecoming Live)" by Beyonce (The team goes on the pitch for the second half.)

"Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop (Shannon scores)

"Oh Love" by Kingfishr (Keeley tells Roy she is pregnant.)

Notes and Trivia

In memory of Anthony Head.

During the press conference, when Ted says "The only person hoping for a green light more than me and Gemma is the Great Gatsby himself," he is making a reference to F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby", where Jay Gatsby spends nights staring across the water at a green light on Daisy Buchanan's dock, longing for a future with her.

When Coach Beard convinces Boots to wear goalkeeper gloves, he says "What brings no benefit to the bee brings even less to the hive," which is a reversed version of the line from "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius (Book 6, Section 54): "What brings no benefit to the hive brings no benefit to the bee."

Emma Crompton, who plays "Shirley", the woman who sat next to Mae in the stands, is credited as an "Acting Coach" in the crew of two season 3 episodes of Ted Lasso.

There is no end-credits music. The episode ends silently.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.