S03E05 - Signs

No: 27 | Season: 3 Episode: 5 | Air Date: 12-Apr-23 | Runtime: 49 mins

I knew positive thinking was bullshit! (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Wow, that's not very nice... "Even with Zava, Richmond eat more arse than your mum." (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I just have one quick question for you. Are we ever gonna win another f?cking match? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

We're gonna take that ship, we're gonna turn around. Go against the tide, point that baby right at the North Star and follow it all the way home. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

My shite in nining armor. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Shandy does not have a good relationship with rejection, or her ex, or with the workplace, or most nouns, really. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

It's called a compliment sandwich. You give someone bad news, but to soften the blow, you slap it between two delicious slices of compliments. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I love pigs. They are cute but also have the same intelligence as a human toddler. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I don't care about, uh, moving pictures. My favorite thing to watch is my wife. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Man City. I can't believe our white whale has the same name as the strip club where I danced in college. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

You're kinda like one of them sadistic nature documentarians that won't put down their camera even though they see a poor, defenseless, adorable, little, injured monkey about to get attacked by a pack of hyenas. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

If we leave right now and take the connecting flight through Paris, we can be in Kansas by noon, and that punk's house will be in ashes by 12:30! (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

As they sleep in their bed, you start to beat them. With a thick, heavy rope soaked in red paint. Pummeling them over and over until they wake, confusing the paint for their own blood. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

My Aunt Devorah has a touch of the shine, a little bit of the inner eye. And she predicted that Julie and I would have five children, all boys. And look at us now. Just a house full of soaking wet toilet seats. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

The universe is full of things we can't explain, Rebecca. Fingernails. What's that about? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Oh, um, hello. Uh, I'm glad that I've caught you. It's, uh, Nathan Shelley. Uh, I really enjoyed meeting you the other night, and I was hoping that we could meet for another drink... Yeah, sorry, Mum. I'm just, uh, practicing for the... (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Am I getting a raise? (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

All right! Listen up, sheep. I was just let go because some people can't handle working with an innovator. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Manchester City is going down! (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Check it out. 115 straight days, no pee drops on the khakis. New record. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

This is Anastasia. Uh, she is a very famous model, uh, and we are on a date. Togeth... Together. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Can we please leave? I mean, the food is yummy, but it's just so dumpy and sad. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

I'm going to make a call. My friend has the flu. And I have to check on her. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Sorry, mate. Still got to charge you for the booze. (Ted Lasso/Warner Media)

Summary

With their season in a tailspin, Richmond try to right the ship against mighty Manchester City. Off the pitch, everyone faces their own setbacks.

Director and Writers

Director: Matt Lipsey
Writers: Jamie Lee

Quotes

Baz: I knew positive thinking was bullshit!

Ted: Hey, Boss. What's going on?
Rebecca: I just have one quick question for you. (screaming) Are we ever gonna win another f?cking match?
Ted: Um... Well, I hear the concern in your voice and its volume. And it's funny 'cause we were just brainstorming in here, coming up with some real strong solves. You know what we're gonna do? Pretend this club was a ship. We're gonna take that ship, we're gonna turn around. Go against the tide, (pointing) point that baby right at the North Star and follow it all the way home.
Rebecca: (pointing in a different direction) That's north, Ted.

Jessica: My shite in nining armor. What? ( chuckles ) I just...
Rebecca: What did you say?
John: You jumbled your words there a bit.

Jack: (about Barbara) You ever think sunshine gets jealous of her?

Shandy: Now that your little, uh, cool girls meeting's done, just wanted to share the exciting news that I've started an app. Oh. It's like Bantr, but it's better and cooler and actually cares about helping people have s?x with celebrities... It's called "Star Fuckr."

Jamie: Man, how the f?ck does Nate bag a baddie like Anastasia?
Zoreaux: Oh, maybe she made a bet.
Moe: Oh. In, like, She's All That.
Jan: Yes! But Nate does not have glasses and a ponytail hiding his beauty.
Isaac : Nah, f?ck no. His transformation's gonna be on the inside. Yeah.
Colin: You know, She's All That is just the film version of the musical My Fair Lady.
Sam: Which is based on the George Bernard Shaw play Pygmalion.
Dani: I love pigs. They are cute but also have the same intelligence as a human toddler.

Zoreaux: Hey, Zava. What do you think of Anastasia?
Zava: I don't. My wife, Christina, is the only woman I see with clarity. Every other woman is a... ( inhales deeply ) ...smudge. Wow. My wife is sexy, but in a girl-next-door kind of way. Glasses, ponytail, she paints.
Dani: Like the girl in She's All That.
Zava: Like what?
Jamie: It's a movie...
Zava: I don't care about, uh, moving pictures. My favorite thing to watch is my wife.

Coach Beard: Man City. (scoffs) I can't believe our white whale has the same name as the strip club where I danced in college.

Trent Crimm: Everything okay, Ted?
Ted: Uh, Henry got bullied at school this morning.
Coach Beard: (angrily) If we leave right now and take the connecting flight through Paris, we can be in Kansas by noon, and that punk's house will be in ashes by 12:30!
Roy: No, no. Best thing you can do with bullies is ignore them. Then you sneak into their house at 4:00 a.m., which, statistically speaking, is the hour people are least prepared to defend themselves. And once you're standing over them, as they sleep in their bed, you start to beat them. With a thick, heavy rope soaked in red paint. Pummeling them over and over until they wake, confusing the paint for their own blood. When they beg you to stop, you laugh as loud as you can, for as long as you can. (Ted gulps) And then you start to beat them again. (Trent drops his mug)
Ted: Mmm. Yeah. You know, I may just hold off on anything like that until I connect with Michelle and just get the details, see what actually happened.
Roy: Yeah, all right. Yeah, fair enough.

Higgins: The thing is, the club is going in the wrong direction, and I fear that it has little to do with the quality of our players. Therefore, if we don't do well against City, we may have to consider... Think about thinking about possibly, maybe focusing on theoretically, as it were, changing the manager of our club.
Rebecca: You want to fire Ted?
Higgins: At what point during any of that did it seem like something I wanted to do?

Higgins: My Aunt Devorah has a touch of the shine, a little bit of the inner eye. And she predicted that Julie and I would have five children, all boys. And look at us now. Just a house full of soaking wet toilet seats.

Nathan: (on the phone) Oh, um, hello. Uh, I'm glad that I've caught you. It's, uh, Nathan Shelley. Uh, I really enjoyed meeting you the other night, and I was hoping that we could meet for another drink. (inhales deeply) Yeah, sorry, Mum. I'm just, uh, practicing for the... Yeah. How was I?

Barbara: Did you tell Shandy to call Emma Jayye at 4:00 in the morning, whilst drunk on "espresso martinis," to pitch her an idea for "c?nd?m for balls"?
Keeley: What?

Keeley: Shandy. Can I speak with you, please?
Shandy: Can you give me 30 minutes?
Keeley: No, now.
Barbara: Please can I watch?
Keeley: Barbara.
Shandy: Hi. I can give you five minutes, then I have to go downstairs and meet with a potential assistant. She's scared of elevators. It's cute, right?
Keeley: Can you come have a seat, please? (sighing) Yeah. Shandy...
Shandy: Am I getting a raise?
Keeley: You are so brilliant. But...
Shandy: My bold determination? What the f?ck? (storms out) All right! Listen up, sheep. I was just let go because some people can't handle working with an innovator. So, I'm starting my own PR firm to take this place down. Who's coming with me? I'll pay you double what you're making here. Who's coming with me? (nobody speaks) All right. Three months holiday every year, company car, massage table in the office with a licensed masseuse. Who's coming with me?
Dan: (stammers) I'll go with you.
Shandy: Not you, Dan. Right. Barbara. I know you're with me.
Barbara: I couldn't be less with you.
Shandy: That's because you're a coward, and I f?cking hate you. I hate all of you! (sobs and hugs Keeley) Oh, Keeley, please let me stay. (sobbing) I just love it here so much. We're a family. I love you.
Keeley: You're gonna be fine, Shandy. I pro...
Shandy: No, I'm not! Oh, you bunch of fascist f?cks! I f?cking... You f?cking ten-percenters. Yeah, that's what you are. You know what? f?ck you all. (takes laptop)
Barbara: That's ours.
Shandy: Well, f?ck off then. Dan, let's go.
Dan: Actually, I'm staying.
Shandy: Suck my d1ck.

Zava: You see, I am no prophet. Prophets believe in something. I do not just believe. I know in my heart, in my bones, in my well-defined delts, traps and glutes that there is no opponent this team cannot conquer.
Jamie: I literally just said that.
Zava: You will not win because of me. You will win because you work together. Because together... you can achieve anything.
Dani: Manchester City is going down! (cheering)

Jack: Can I borrow your office to make some calls?
Barbara: Oh, yes, of course. Just don't look in my desk drawer. (leaves)
Jack: (to Keeley) I'm definitely gonna look in those drawers.

Ted: Why can't the world just have one big time zone, you know?
Coach Beard: The sun.
Ted: Right, the gosh-dang sun.

Nathan: Hello, Jade. um... Shelley. Uh, reservation for two. Thank you.
Jade: And you, miss? How can I help you?
Nathan: (stammers) Oh, no, she, uh... We, uh... This is Anastasia. Uh, she is a very famous model, uh, and we are on a date. Togeth... Together. Two. For two.
Anastasia: Hello. (to Jade) You have very cute head.
Jade: Thank you. I got it from my father.

Derek: Oh, Nathan Jelly! The wonder kid! (laughing) Yeah. Touch it. (pushes his fist toward Nathan) Uh-huh. And, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slap me round the face. Am I dreaming? The one and only Anastasia in my restaurant. (chuckles) I'm a huge fan of your face and body.

Ted: Any news?
Coach Beard: Nobody knows where he is.
Roy: That f?cking prick's not answering his phone.
Coach Beard: Neither is his agent, his manager, his publicist, his trainer, his acupuncturist, his acupressurist, his fecalist, his avocado whisperer, not even his barber.
Ted: Hmm. Maybe he's dead.
Roy: F?cking better be.

Anastasia: (takes a picture of the hummus) I cannot post this. The little dips look like piles of vomit. I cannot post vomit. People will see this, and they will want to vomit.

Anastasia: Can we please leave? I mean, the food is yummy, but it's just so dumpy and sad.
Nathan: Okay, look, I know it might not exactly be cool, but this place is important to me. This is where my family celebrated our birthdays, anniversaries. It's where we came after I got promoted as assistant coach at Richmond. (inhales deeply) Every important event in our lives has been spent here. And, to me, that makes this place even better than cool. (chuckles) Hmm. Oh, what am I thinking? We should get the saganaki!
Anastasia: Oh, I'm going to make a call. My friend has the flu. And I have to check on her.
Nathan: No, that's... No, that's very nice. That's kind. (Anastasia begins to gather her belongings) Do you need all that stuff to go make a call?

Keeley: What? You actually dated a birthday clown?
Jack: For three wacky weeks.
Keeley: Did you ever have s?x with the clown? Like, with the nose and everything?
Jack: Of course I did. (laughs) It was in his car, actually. All crammed in there with, like, 30 of his clown friends.

Keeley: We spent all evening picking up, like, 50 kilos of lamb ka-poops. It's the most fun I've had in months.

Jade: (mocking Nathan) After all, our baklava is divine.
Nathan: Yeah, I don't... Um... For some reason, whenever I'm trying to impress someone, I end up sounding like my gran.

Coach Beard: The only modicum of comfort is knowing that in all the innumerable parallel universes, there is not one where we win that game.

Ted: Well, you know, a hip-hop song's a great way to get across a message. You know? Just look at the hip-hop song "The Message."

Zava: I have to share something with you, my friends. You are not my followers. You are my believers. (inhales deeply) And so it... I have to tell you. Zava has played his last match. I will now dedicate all of my time and all of my energy to my family and my avocado farm. If you put your energy into the things you truly love, the universe puts its thing back into you. You're welcome.

Sam: Hey, hey. Hey, Coach. What about Zava? ... He quit the team.
Ted: I mean, technically he retired from the whole sport, which makes it feel a little less personal, yeah? You know, like if, uh, your girlfriend runs off with some dude and it turns out they were soul mates.
Coach Beard: (whispers) Oh. Yeah. Gina f?ck?ng Gershon.
Ted: Uh, but look, look, look, look. I hear you, okay? Zava is gone. And you know what? I think it's a good thing. (players murmuring) I do. Okay, look. Do I wanna win? Heck yeah. But I also wanna do it with folks that wanna be here. (players grumbling) It's not like we could handcuff him to his locker and make him love us.
Dani: We could have tried. (players chuckle)
Ted: Hey, guys. Guys, look. We got a good thing going here. All right? Mm-hmm. We didn't need Zava. Yeah. All we need to win are the fellas in this room right now. And all you fellas need to do is believe it. (the 'Believe" sign splits in half )
Moe: Whoa! It's a sign.
Colin: That's it. We're doomed.
All: We're done. We're done. We're finished. We're finished.
Ted: Now... Now, hold on. Hey, knock it off, okay? We're not doomed. No one is doomed. But, Bumbercatch, yes, you're right. It is a sign. I agree. Yeah. In fact this, it's just a sign. (Ted takes down the sign and rips it up. The players gasp.) All right, guys, listen to me. Belief doesn't just happen 'cause you hang something up on a wall. All right? It comes from in here. You know? And up here. Down here. Only problem is, we all got so much junk floating through us, a lot of time we end up getting in our own way. You know, crap like envy or fear, shame. I don't wanna mess around with that sh?t anymore. You know what I mean? Do you?
Players: No. No, Coach.
Ted: No. No. Do you?
Players: No.
Ted: No, me neither. Hell no. Well, you know what I wanna mess around with? The belief that I matter, you know? Regardless of what I do or don't achieve. Or the belief that we all deserve to be loved, whether we've been hurt or maybe we've hurt somebody else. Or what about the belief of hope? Yeah? That's what I wanna mess with. Believing that things can get better. That I can get better. That we will get better. Oh, man. To believe in yourself. To believe in one another. Man, that's... That's fundamental to being alive. And look. Yo, hey. If you can do that, if each of you can truly do that... can't nobody rip that apart.

Jamie: Tomorrow at 4:00 a.m.?
Roy: Damn f?cking right.

Music

"You Can Do It (feat. Mack 10 & Ms. Toi)" by Ice Cube (Team workout session)

"Oh What a Performance" by Nirvana (As Man City game begins)

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! (As the car picks up Anastasia)

"Quiet" by Rachael Yamagata (As Rebecca ponders the Doctor's news)

"Come Together" by Spiritualized (End credits)

Notes and Trivia

When Ted says, "your girlfriend runs off with some dude and it turns out they were soul mates." Coach Beard whispers, " Oh. Yeah. Gina f?ck?ng Gershon." This harkens back to episode S02E05 "Rainbow" when Roy Kent mentions that he "Dated Gina Gershon once."

You can see Ted's open peanut butter jar in his place, which is a reference to an earlier episode where he claimed he loved to just dip his finger in whenever he felt like it.

When Anastasia ditched Nathan at the restaurant she gets in a convertible with model friends and the Wham song "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go" is playing, very similar to a scene from "Zoolander" where the same song plays.

Goofs

None

Locations

Details about common filming locations such as The Crown and Anchor Pub, The Dog Pound Stadium and The Richmond Greyhounds practise field can be found here.